Determined to keep a diary

Day 12 done. Tough day today. Dropped my wife off at that the airport to go spend some time with her family and I’m guessing decide the fate of our marriage. I’m home alone spending some amazing time with my dog. He’s been a great help (well apart from barking at anything that goes past the door and getting me soaked on walks!). Told my family everything today too so it’s all out in the open. Don’t imagine I’ll sleep much tonight but haven’t thought about gambling today. Considered having a glass of wine but in the past me, wine, and being alone has never ended well so thought better of it. My biggest fears now are not gambling but what will become of my life. To be decided in the next few days. Already looked at accommodation and planing for the worst but hoping for the best. Fingers crossed 🤞 

13 days done. Not even a consideration of gambling. Makes me feel sick thinking about it. Hope it stays that way. Spent today collating all my stuff for step change. Almost done. Also spent some quality time with my little dog. He’s a pain in the behind and we got soaked everytime we went outside but it was good to get out and clear my head. My parents were going to visit tomorrow but I’ve told them I would rather have some alone time right now. It might be the last I get to spend with my dog so wanted to make sure I got the most out of it. Wife is back on Sunday and I’m sure we will have a discussion about how we proceed. At the moment I can only see it going one way so I’ve been searching for accommodation. Depressing but needs must. She has been through my banking with a fine tooth comb and I have too. It’s amazing how much I’ve lied to myself over the years. I’ve been a compulsive gambler far longer than my brain cares to admit. At least it’s all out there now and I can begin to come to grips with it. 

Keep fighting the fight. Don’t let the bookies win. It’s time we won

Well done Weirdfish. It sounds hard, worrying about the outcome of what your wife will decide but it is good at least that she has gone away for a few days - give her some time to breath and think things through, which could benefit you, who knows.

Coming back to you, it seems like you are moving in the right direction in trying to sort your finances out for the better.  Also, putting steps in place and preparing yourself, just in case?🙏. Let’s hope the decision on your wife’s part is the one that is best for both of you.

Take care and keep doing this and taking steps forwards in the coming days.

Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.

Thanks again pink lady, good to see you holding firm too. 💪

Today marks the 2 week point. 14 days and no desire to gamble. The thought of it terrifies me. Spent today chasing the last of my debt plan stuff and walking the dog. Told my parents yesterday and my mum is phoning everyday! I knew they would worry and didn’t want to tell them so hopefully they realise I’m getting the help I need and can relax a little. Actually looking forward to my second G.A. meeting on Monday. Also got a doctor appointment on Wednesday to see if I have any mental health concerns. Should be interesting!

Anyway, time for bed. Don’t let your worries get you. Focus on the lowest you’ve ever felt and tell yourself never to go there again. That’s how I’m pushing through this. Good luck

👍👌👏💪 and well done reaching double figures!

pink Lady. 🍎

15 days gamble free and today was by far the toughest, not in terms of wanting to gamble. The thought didn’t cross my mind once. It’s my wife’s birthday today and she is not here. Driven away by my addiction. Forced to spend time away to consider our future. My dog has kept me company today. He’s not eaten much. I know he misses her too and senses something is up. 

I have no idea what the future holds for me at the moment. I’m not even sure if we can recover as husband and wife if she does decide to keep me around. I know I’ll do everything in my power to make it so, but I don’t believe she could ever feel the same way about me as she used to. 

Anyway, enough doom and gloom. I haven’t gambled, I have no intention of gambling, my step change stuff is nearly done (need to be in office to print something first so Monday is the day), and I’m still alive and well. what more could I want 😂

Another day done, another day the leeching gambling sites don’t defeat me 💪

Hi Weirdfish

Just imagine how much tougher it could have been if you’d had included gambling into the mix! So well done for not even thinking about it and even if you did, that is ok. The important bit is that we do not act on it!

Sounds like you are making good headway with Stepchange 👍.  I have been with them for some time and they have been great. Slow and steady wins the race with me and my Stepchange plan. 🙂. 

Take care and look after yourself.

Pink Lady. 🍎

16 days done. Not a thought of gambling. That’s the good news!

Wife id back tomorrow and I’ve been stressing all week about what that means. Will I be homeless, divorced, given a lifeline? No idea. To be honest I just want to know now. Been living off caffeine and not much else for the last week. Been more stressful than actually telling her. Can’t really complain after all the lies I told to continue gambling. Be nice to actually get some sleep though. Not knowing makes the mind wander.

great day with the dog today. Will really miss him if it comes to it so enjoying as much time with him as possible. 

Anyway off to bed, hopefully get some sleep. Stay strong 💪 

You’ve got this Weidfish!💪

Pink Lady. 🩷🍎

I am new to the forum Weirdfish. It seems that you are making strong progress. Wishing you all the best with discussions with your wife. 

Thanks for the kind words. 17 days done, no urges to gamble. No desire at all, even with the constant barrage of gambling adverts on tv and radio. They really are parasites!

Picked wife up today and she says we will speak tomorrow. Another night of no sleep and worry ahead. Oh well. Hope work goes quick so I can get back and find out my fate. 

Made a cake today. Belated birthday surprise. Actually pretty happy with it. Kept me busy and turned out quite well. Pretty sure it won’t get eaten but the thought was there 😂

Keep on fighting folks 💪

Hi Fish. 🐟. Look on the positive side - at least your wife actually said she will talk to you tomorrow! 👍. She could have just ended things there and then.  Also, put yourself in her shoes and just think of how she might be hurting, and could be feeling a whole mixture of emotions herself and finding it really hard in deciding what the right decision is for her/you and her. 🥲. 

Even though that cake did not get eaten, it was a nice distraction for you at the time so that’s good. 👍. This may not cut with your wife right now but again, the bright side - at least she did not rub the lot in your face! 🤭.

Take care and just keep trying your best for all concerned but mainly for yourself. 🙏.

Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.

18 days done. GA meeting tonight too which was really beneficial. 

So family update. Basically it’s time to move out. Not sure I can cope with that but it’s what i deserve. Have put in an enquiry about a place and will hopefully hear back tomorrow. I know I deserve this and I know it will destroy me completely to have to move out but there is nothing I can do to prevent it so might aswell suck it up. 

I going to try and end every day with a positive thought.
The cake did not get smashed in my face.

It still sits proudly waiting for someone to have a bite. Hopefully someone does as it ms really tasty! 

Hope you all doing well 

Sorry to hear this Fish. 🐟. On the non gambling side though, so well done for reaching 18 days abstinence 👏👏. Often, people like us can use our emotions to gamble and I know it has been a really difficult time for you and your family of late.  I think it is a really good thing to end your day with a positive, no matter how big or small.  I often do this and tell myself what I have been grateful for that day. 

Best of luck securing a place to live too.

Take care and just keep going in the right direction, day by day. 🙏.

Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.

19 days gamble free. Still not even tempted. 
Last family update I will provide as it’s depressing and boring to read! I’ve been asked to move out. Shortest lease I’ll likely get is 6months to a year. I’ve done not living together. It doesn’t work. The increase in rent/bills will also drastically increase my debt payment plan. Looks like I’ve got a long road ahead of me! Have put enquiries in about 4 places so will have to see what comes of them. Gutted beyond belief but I honestly don’t see this marriage being saved now. Too much hatred and resentment, which I fully understand and accept is down to my illness and stupidity.

On the plus side, I have a mental health appointment tomorrow to make sure I’m not a loony and have an initial meeting with a therapist on Monday. 

Every cloud! 😂

Hope you doing well pink lady. Always nice to see someone following along. I’ve been reading all the diaries for inspiration. Great to see progression.