Welcome back. This is the best place for you, for me and for all compulsive gamblers. Non-gamblers cannot and will not understand the behaviour of compulsive gamblers. I understand you completely. I have had several big losses and relapses this year and they have messed me up mentally, physically, emotionally and financially. I am now on Day 40 gamble-free and, even though I still have debt around my neck, I feel better about life in general. However, I know the next big urge is lurking around the corner so I am constantly on my guard.
Hey Pelle
Sorry for my absence.
Things just go from bad to worse. Ive used Wonga to get myself a payday loan.
I had opened a new bank account with a different bank and got a maestro debit card with it so i could avoid my main bank account having any 'wonga related' transactions.
Ive been able to get the funds into that account but they have declined accepting my maestro debit as a reypament debit card as its not 'a card we accept' even though maestro is one of their options.
So now im even more gutted because i have to pay it back on december 30th which means itll be seen as a transaction. Im so screwed
I cant believe ive got myself into this situation again.
So you got your money from Wonga in the end?
I hope you've got your finances sorted. At least you seem to have generous friends who are prepared to help out when needed. All my friends seem to be skint. Have you managed to do your Christmas shopping? I cannot afford anything at the moment. I have never taken out a payday loan but Wonga seem to be less mercenary than some loan-shark companies.
Hi mate,
glad to see your back on here and writing again, sorry to hear you've has a couple of set backs, hope things haven't been getting on top of you too much. Try and stay positive and try again, 'one day at a time' is all it takes to start building some days up.
Best wishes,
Lee
Another 48 hours have passed. Please give us an update. I hope you are not using Wonga to fund your gambling addiction.
Hi Guys
I got the Wonga loan, it was used to pay off bills that i hadnt paid yet. Not that i havent used Wonga money to fund the addiction in the past. I bought all my christmas presents (barring 60 pounds worth) as soon as i got paid so thats all sorted.
I have told my boss that i have fallen off the wagon again and he is going to lend me an ear tomorrow night. Itll be nice to have someone to talk to, i admitted my addiction to him late September as i had got in over my head and had spent a lot of customer money to try and get myself out of debt.
I really feel like my lifes a complete mess currently. On the surface i look and seem fine but in reality i feel that the way things have gone in the last years will lead to me in 3 years being single, working a dead end job and being alienated from my friends and family.
Sometimes i just dont think theres any light at the end of the tunnel. Ive 'admitted' countless times to many people
Ive got cold turkey countless times and reverted back to gambling
Ive borrowed from every single person and company under the sun, used work money, used other peoples money and generally gambled with any money i have
10 years of this. Why should i think itll change? Ive gone long periods before but it always comes back. And now more than ever it seems too difficult to build up a gamble free period.
I dont like to admit defeat in anything but i just feel like im fighting a losing battle.
I really hope im not because if my life goes where i think it could go if i dont stop then i really dont want to be part of ruining so many differen peoples lives.
Ill see how my chat goes tomorrow night and go from there.
Safe to say another Christmas is ruined though
That's a very honest post.
I know what it's like to feel how you feel now (I'm sure most of the people reading do). Without going into detail, I've got similar cashflow problems to you at this very moment. And it's easy to say to someone else 'it's not so bad because...', but bear with me a mo.
In my opinion, Xmas isn't ruined. You've bought the pressies and got a little change. All right, Wonga isn't ideal but it sounds like you can manage it (with your friend's help) and, as we all know, your finances WILL get better with time. you're going to talk to someone about it all. I'm sure he'll be very disappointed, maybe angry, but at least you're not alone. Have you thought about seeing a doctor? They could refer you to a psychiatrist, or someone equally qualified to deal with addictions. Or, ask Gamcare. They seem to offer such a service.
Read some diaries that are 'worse' than yours. I don't like to name them, but there's plenty. Things are bad, but you need a sense of perspective. For ex, I'm 13k in debt, no cash coming in, and no-one to talk to other than here. That's s**t. On the other hand, I still have a family that loves me, I am happy apart from gambling, and (I hope) a bright future once I've slain these demons. That's a lot more than some of the people on here, and reading their stories helps me keep in check. Suss out where YOU are, and if it could be worse.
Good luck with it all, seriously.
Milkman
Thank you for your post, it means a lot, and i like that you are also honest, no sugar coating no nothing.
The things im really struggling with currently are A.
That im being a lying and decietful to my gf. She thinks ive nailed this gambling habit for months now but i havent.
However she really just doesnt seem to understand addiction and what it means. Shes been amazing to me and helped me monetary wise but we all know the monetary help is just bail out, its not actually a help in the long run.
She seems to think you just 'stop' gambling and she like many of the other friends and family i have have used the threat techniques
eg. 'if you do this again its over between us' 'if you do this again our friendship is over' 'if you do this again your cut out of the will' etc and so on.
A never ending long list of threats that just piles the pressure on me and when i *** and slip up i cant tell anyone because the people i have told have said to me i cant keep slipping up.
Maybe i should eventaully run out of chances, i dont know, i just know that none of those people understand addiction and how it works, threatning me doesnt work for me because i know what i have to lose and as much as that SHOULD stop me gambling.....it doesnt...because im an addict
Tell me you know how that feels because honest to God i do what to stop so bad but the more i slip, the more decietful i am the harder it is to stop because the deeper the black hole
🙁
Well, I DO know how it feels. I'm deceiving my other half and my Father too (indirectly, but he helped us out a year or two ago and I gambled a large part of it - we're talking thousands). I feel terrible if I dwell on it. Worse than terrible. I'm the lowest of the low.
But pray to God that you don't run out of second chances. I used my last life a month ago, and (partly thanks to this site) it suddenly became clearer. I'm on my last chance, and it isn't a very nice place to be - but it's still better than a lot of others on here. I agree that threats won't work, it prob stresses you even more and makes you need an escape ie to gamble, but if you were to tip over the edge you'd wish every day for the rest of your life that you were back in the place you were before. You've admitted you're an addict, but don't hide behind it - you still have an element of control, and it's that what we try to nurture and grow on here. Ask yourself where you'll be in 6 months if you manage to stay clean. All the serious money worries will be a step or two back, right? As for the gf, maybe you can tell her the truth in, say, 3 years, when all this is past. Or, maybe you'll have to live with it forever. but that CAN be dealt with at a later point. get through the current crisis, get a couple of salaries under your belt, take a breath and see where you are in Feb.
no point in sugar coating when you're anonymous. It'd be interesting if we were all in a room together, trying to work out who's who. i wish I had been wise enough to follow my own advice, but things are much clearer now I've got 7 weeks under my belt. You will be too.
Mm
Man 7 weeks, thats amazing!
I was thinking the other day how i went a full year without gambling, it was the whole of 2009, ive NO idea how i did it looking back.
Id give anything to get 7 weeks under my belt, youve done so well and you deserve all the kudos for it!
I know times a great healer, as a gambler a few days of non gambliing really gives perspective but seeing as my friend will be lending me 500 to pay off the wonga loan i have to pay him back at 100 a month
My gf has the app to my bank balance and transactions on her phone, ive no idea how im going to get 100 a month to my friend. So seeing where i am in a few months is so hard to think of because im in the whole 'how can i wangle this to get the money to him without being found out'
Once again i will point out that id LOVE to just tell her....but she supports me yes in lots of different ways, but she just doesnt understand that talking about it helps, its more of a bury the head in the sand and forget its happened cause 'youre doing great' sort of thing
Horrible stuff
You def know how i feel with the lies you have to tell as well, thats why i really appreciate your opinion on all this
I recommend logging onto this site daily and reading as many diaries as possible. There are so many similarities between us all. Also, you should restart your daily count. It feels good to get gamble-free day after gamble-free day under your belt. I have built up a lot of momentum now and never, ever, ever want to go back to Day 1. Good luck.
Like you, I went through a whole year without gambling - way back in 2000.
That was wonderful! I will never forget that pound coin that I stuck in when I was in a service station. That broke the peace in my life.
And started off a decade of hell.
I am so determined to repeat this in 2012. Perhaps you could endeavour to do the same?
GT
Your right Pelle i need to get counting the days again. I will do that and post reguarly again!
GT i know how you feel. You can remember that first pound you put in after a year off it and so do i.
I rememebr it like it was yesterday. I lost 20........took out 100 from the bank.
Turned that 100 into 845, went to my mates house and was like 'look at all this...caaaaching'
Those words reverberate round mate head because that 845 was the worst thing that could ever have happened
I want to be gamble free in 2012....2013 and forever
Its a bit far sighted but i really have more to lose than i ever did before. Plus i really feel like ill be dead in 5 years if i dont seriously stop because although i would never ever consider doing anything like that now....if i continue on this path im going lose everything and everyone and get myself to the point of no return.
Maybe that sounds extreme but lets be honest, gambling ruins lives, and its currently ruining mine more than ever
Well it's Saturday morning
I spoke with my boss about my problems last night. I had told him before so he knew my past and was always supportive and doesnt treat me like a leaper or liability
I told him how I had fallen off the wagon and it was all just becoming a mess. He offered some advice but said he could t currently offer any money as our business just breaks even at the minute.
He said to let him know how much my friend can lend me and he will see what he can do in a couple of weeks.
I wasn't directly going to him to money but I needed to tell him how I was feeling and how I feared I'd lose my job and my gf if things continued like this. Of course in the back of my mind I guess I hoped he could bail me out, I guess it's a gamblers mentality
Anyway work do tonight....I had been looking forward to that for weeks, now I'm not. Last night I was this quivering emotional wreck too my boss and although he does not Judge me and will act no differently to me tonight I'll still feel like S***e.
There is Only 3 people in the company, he me and one other person so it's us and partners tonight, if only my gf knew what he knew, she'd kill me. I already have 150 knocked off my wages for the the last 3 and next 6 months for money I owe the company, what a sorry f*****g mess
Yet anothe example of people reaching out to help me and me sticking to my word for a couple of months and then forgetting about the mess I'm in and gambling like I'm financially stable.
Best get out of bed and go play golf here. I self excluded myself from the fruit machines in the golf club at last, ish I had done it months ago.
I really want some time to pass so I'm not thinking about how financially screwed I am for the next while and how much juggling money I have to do make sure my gf doesn't find out and get a broken heart
Ive got a sore head, my minds heavy.
I should be excited about golf, work do, Christmas week and the partying, but I'm not, all I can think about is debt and if I will ever be able to
Stop gambling
I really look forward to building up a gamble free 2012
I'm 4 days without gambling
I hate myself right now though
I'd like to be who I am
Not who gambling makes me
Ryan,
Good to read your recent posts buddy.
Keep up the good work! 4 days may not sound like many but its a good start and that number will soon increase.
As you said earlier: 'I'd like to be who I am
Not who gambling makes me'. You can be a better person without gambling.
All the best,
Elite
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