Diary 1st entry, Repeatedly letting down everyone who has supported me.....one day ill lose everything

Sorry to hear that you have had a relapse. What were the circumstances - online poker? Are you able to put some immediate blocks in place? Are you writing to your Dad to ask him to bail you out? Keep using this site as it will give you strength and we are on your side.

Come on, NW - it's a c**k-up, but it's not 'The End'. I'm sorry you've slipped, really - but it did seem to me that your resolve was a bit crumbly when you said (a few weeks ago) that you don't post as much because the people aren't the same (or something similar). We make virtual friends here, but that's not what it's about - it's about you, and being able to recover from your illness. To tell you the truth, I have to force myself on here most days, because the clique of 4 months ago (me, pat, you, elite, badgirl, liz40 etc and others such as GT and smiler) have been joined by lots of others and it's difficult motivating myself to read and reply, other than those in my 'group'. However, I do it precisely because I know that, even though I'm 100 days down, I'm not ready to be let off the lead yet, and I have to work at it. In many ways this bit is harder than the beginning - then, I knew I couldn't gamble otherwise it's 'goodbye old life'. now, the finances have recovered a little and the cosy temptation has returned.

Have you read your own diary back to yourself? It can make for cringy reading, reading ones own diary back, but it does help, I feel. Look how YOU felt just around christmas when your friend couldn't lend you that money. Or, look how you felt when you had to confide in your boss. Are thses really experiences that you want to continue ad infinitum?

I wouldn't usually recommend borrowing, but under your circumstances (ie no heavy long-term debts) can't you find someone or some organisation/credit card to lend you a grand to sort this out before you tell your Dad? Or, perhaps coming clean would be the right thing to do, and provide more ammunition to stop you gambling. Whatever, taking customer money is not the best way to gamble, and you need to ask yourself how much trouble you are willing to get yourself in to. You ought to make yourself post on here daily, as before, read the diaries and comment on them, and set yourself small targets - a day, a week, a month - and get it going again.

Pick yourself up, grit your teeth, and get on with it. You owe it to yourself.

Oh no mate, so sorry to hear of this. My thoughts are with you as I have been in your position so many times in the past.

Lucky Jim has said everything that I wanted to say. The main thing really is the trigger. What was it? Was it that the weekend away was so great that you were after even more "thrills"?

What really matters is that you came back on here and admitted all. You are also ready to admit this to your Dad and this can only help you massively in your future.

You desperately seem to want to stop this absolute madness...

...and you WILL!

You CAN do this and you have proved this by managing a long time without going back to the hell-hole called the gambling world.

Time is a great healer, dust yourself off and start this journey again.

All the very best and stay very strong and very positive.

GT

Hi guys

Thanks for the feedback

I'm lying here in bed, Sunday morning with what is probably about an 8 page letter to my Dad written in the computer

I drew up the letter before I last posted but since then I have been editing it and adding to it as thoughts and feelings run through my head everyday

I have tried to get finance from every possible source in order not to have to tell my dad, I don't want to ruin the relationship we have and the last time was so horrible

However I'm in a debt management plan for past mistakes do I can't get credit anywhere or a loan. I already owe wonga £650 and work £550

If there was anything I could do to not tell him I would because he doesn't deserve this

In answer to your question Pelle yes I do need him to bail me out technically as I have no way of getting the money. However ive decided to tell him everything about my struggles and problems over the last 3 years since I came clean before

I'm telling him all about the Counsellors, borrowing from friends, telling my gf, handing over bank accounts and I've described how I've felt each time I've let another person down and explained why I didn't want to tell him and let him down

I don't believe any dad should have to read such a letter from a son, I hate that I hurt so many people

I read people's diaries and there's some inspiration but I look at myself and think that while everything I try might work in the short run how can I ever trust myself in my future

I won't always have people to check on me, I'm too good at sneaking around and finding awry to gamble. Something I'm not proud of

I didn't sign up to be an addict but I'm not sure I have what it takes to beat it. I've tried and relapsed do many times, my heads sore from worrying all the time

Any feedback is appreciated

Does your girlfriend know about your gambling and financial problems? Have you discussed it with her? If you have no means of paying off the money that you took from your work, then you are better off having the support of your family than relying on more PayDay loan companies, which will rob you blind in interest and charges. Your family will support you if you come clean and promise that you will never gamble again. Try to post on here every day, try some one-to-one counselling sessions and try a GA meeting if you think that would help. We are all on your side on this website so make use of it. Just take your recovery one day at a time and be grateful for every day in which you did not gamble. Believe me, it gets easier - the first few weeks are hard - but once you get on a roll, you do not want to go back to Day 1 and you realise that there is more to life than gambling anyway. Good luck!

You're doing exactly the right thing by writing to your Dad. I know as I did a similar thing to my parents a few years ago - I think it stretched to 5 pages.

Just think if you had a son or daughter that you love very much but got sucked into an unfortunate addiction like you and all of us on here. How would you feel? You would want to know all about wouldn't you? And you would want to do all you can to help wouldn't you?

But you would also be very wary of helping them too much in case they relapsed again. And this is where you really come in. Your resolve to beat this madness has to be incredibly strong now.

It may feel strong now but would it be this strong in a few weeks or months time when the dust settles. You need to make sure that plans are in place for this resolve to be just as strong then as it is now.

Hope this helps, stay very strong and very positive. Together, we WILL beat this madness!

GT

Thanks for your feedback guys, I appreciate it

I feel sick as a dog at the thought of leaving this letter for my dad. I have no idea how he will react, I really hope he understands how hard I've tried to beat this addiction

I've asked him not to tell my mum for the time being as she reacts with her heart and will just berate me and keep saying "just stop doing it" over and over and I'll get nowhere

Tomorrow could be the worst day of my life.

I can't tell my gf, she took the bit of me coming clean in July. We went through such emotions and arguements and it was so hard.

I couldn't deal with giving 1300 my whole wage away every month from aug-nov and having to live off a tenner a week from her. I tried so hard but it ate me alive

I tried to talk gambling to her but it upset her and I hated to see her upset

If she knew I opened another bank account to get spare money to gamble she lose all trust and faith in me and I don't blame her, I'm the lowest of the low for doing to to someone I love and someone who has supported me with her own money and love

I really am a scumbag when I think about it. Pity I didn't think about it more when I was doing it and I wouldn't be in this sorry mess

Worst case scenario, dad goes mad, tells mum, she breaks down, they can't act normal around my gf and it all comes out and I'll lose her

Best case dad understands I've spilt my guts to him and I am trying so hard, he helps me and we work on telling mum and getting into serious recovery

Part of me feels I need to lose something seriously important to understand what my actions have done

The other part of me believes If that happened I'd break down and go into meltdown immediately

Part of me wishes I'd just shut up and go away like I'm going to right now

Thanks guys for your support

Hope all is well with you.

Keep us posted.

GT

Did you send the letter? What was the result?

are you planning to use this website as aprt of your recovery?

Any chance of an update?

Any chance of an update?

I think you've probably gone, but if you're still around I'd love to hear what happened.

Milkman

That's the problem with online 'friends', you never really know when they'll go.

I would really like to know how you're going on, and what happened after you wrote the letter to your father; any chance of an update? Are you still reading?

Hi Everyone

First of all i would like to apologise to all the people who have posted asking for an update, i cant believe its been like 10 months since i last posted here.

I hope everyone is well and life is as good as it can be as a gambling addict.

I dont want to write a massive essay, although i probably will, ill take everyone back to that letter to my Dad in Feb last year, i hoped my life would be better now 10 months later, and in some cases it is, but in the most important case it isnt.

Timeline FEB 2012

Dad got the letter, asked to meet me that nigth after work at a local bar to talk. The letter was a good one, i was happy cause i addmited absolutely everything of the past 5 years to him. He was like my dad is, understanding.

He has gambled plenty in the past but he does not anymore and is and always has been a senior professional in his industry, always providing for his family and never putting that at risk...but he knows what its like to put £500 into a fruit machine and chase it until your sweating and 6 hours has passed.

By the end of it he said i needed to go back to couselling, he would give me the £1200 to clear the work money and the payday loans and we wouldnt tell mum just yet cause she hadnt been well and it wasnt a good time. He told me to ring him anytime i felt the urge and think about what i was risking.

So i went back to counselling for a 6 week intensive strecth and then monthly and it was fine.

The 'dust settled' as everyone says on here and of course i put £2 on a US Open golf bet.....just cause a couple of friends (we all play golf) were doing a sweep and unfortunately for me it won. and at the odds on the golfer i got £260

I never sports bet, it was literally a sweep bet but the result shows why any bets a bad bet as a gambler. I picked up the £260 and seeing as my gf has access to my bank account to check im behaving and dad has access to any savings accounts i did not know how i could explain the money so i gambled it. High money slot machines and i made about £1500

3 months later its August and im £1100 in debt that i cant pay.

I had to come clean to dad, he was NOT amused, he told mum. Queue family meeting, the demand of non stop councilling, all passwords to wonga, and all accounts, barring my own which the gf still has access to.

So i went to the councillor with my dad for the first time. It was horrible but good. I went to councilling 8 weeks in a row, then monthly.

May i state that my gf does NOT know of any lapse since i told her about my problem in July 2011

Since Jan2012 my gf and i have saved £12000 for a house deposit....so thats my good part.....

So i was gamble free Feb to June.....relapsed JUne and July, then Ausgust gamble free to December

In December i struggled so much with the urges, i held them off for weeks but i didnt tell anyone. Im a closed person to my family and for all the help they have given me i still cant physically bring myself to reveal when im struggling.

I decided i wanted to play online poker. I wanted to play it, i really really wanted to play it and i should have rang my dad and said that but i just couldnt beat the urge.

So i did. I turned $50 into $350 and then it wittled away in a few hours.

As a result of that i had lost £30....thats not much, i should have just let it go

But im a bad loser. The nest day a customer gave me £750 that they owed us. I gambled it all in the amusements.

In november my gf had deleted my account app from her phone cause she felt it was no longer needed and a burden cause she wanted to trust me.....i let her very silly.

So its december, Ive gambled work money again. I was worried but i knew i was getting a christmas bonus. I was annoyed that id pretty mych blown that bonus before id got it though.

I got my bonus, it was £1000 plus my pay. I took it all out and went and gambled. £70 into it i won £1300 and walked out of the arcade like a cheshire cat.

Id made my bonus back, so i wanted to go and pay off my whole years golf club fees and give my gf the rest towards our deposit. Thats a great start to 2013

However i kept gambling. I have until this day gone from having £1300 bonus to being £1400 in debt.

I owe wonga 310 and counting

work 630

a friend 300

and i havent paid my 500 into our savings deposit or my 100 housekeeping this month.

Im 1400 in debt and i have only have £500 of this

My wonga password has been changed by me but my parents seem to have forgotten im an addict again, like they did the last time.

My gf has no idea whats gone on in the last 18 months and im juggling money like its going our of fashion.

I logged on here thinking i might play online poker just cause....well im weak.

However i felt i needed to talk to someone and seeing as my councillor cancelled on my today for the 2nd time in 3 months i just wanted to get all this off my chest.

I do not want sympthay or expect it. I have literally taken EVERYTHING and EVERYONE i have for granted yet again. I do it over and over and have for years.

Im going to ruin so many lives yet i cant bring myself to tell them i have FAILED for the 3rd time in 10 months after my parents have already spent £2000 this year bailing me out.

I really dont know what to do. I dont mean that in the im lost everyone help me money wise way.

I literally dont know what the best option is anymore. I think if i cause my dad more pain like this hes going to have a heart attack, hes got so stressed the last two times.

My parents and my gf have their own problems, i really dont want to yet again add to their issues.

I dont have the money to pay these things but im juggling work money by using new customer money to pay older customers bills. I am paying all the bills its just juggling so i can live

Its no wy to live, its all going to com eto a head eventually i believe cause well.....i cant just find £800 to clear what i need to clear.

I dont know if theres anyone whos relapsed as much as me on this site whos had so much care and support. I must be the most selfish person knocking about on here cause im clearly not trying hard enough.

I push really hard for 4 months then and i stabilise and then when the urge comes calling i tell it to P*** off for 10 days and then give in.

If you were me what would you do?

I see myself either completely crippling someone elses life or ending my own.

Im not saying im feeling suicidal right now but i cant see me ending up in anything lse but a bodybag if i continue this destruction.

I guess its ironic that people think im sucessful and have a great gf and job.

If only they knew what sort of person i was.

I have just read my entire diary for the first time in 10 months

All my relapse posts sound the same

deceit, lies, letting people down, blah blah

Not sure what i even believe in anymore

Grim