Diary 1st entry, Repeatedly letting down everyone who has supported me.....one day ill lose everything

NI

Fella good to see your finding therapy in your posts my friend.

Two things stand out in your last post.

'I know there is no cure'

A very true statement, gambling will always be a part of our lives, it is how we live with it.

And for me fella the most poinient thing is you appear to actually want to help yourself.

This for me is a huge moment in recovery, that feeling that you want to make things right, because through experience I know that folk can offer as much help and support and financially bail us out over and over but the bottom line is WE have to want to help ourselves.

For that I hope your own courage to face addiction continues to grow.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Niboy.

Nice to see you back on here. I read thru most ure diary with interest last night.

Two things stick out.

1. You appear to have some amazing support and the fact they continue to stand by as you try your hardest to fk ure life up.

2. What u r is a CG. No thoughts at all of gambling then bang it hits you. And you cant stop until everything u have is gone.

I am you without the support. Think about this. Most people with the chances you have been given would be out on there a**e. Then the downward spiral would kick in.

You appear to be testing boundaries and they won't keep lengthening.

I know where I am at. I am one relapse to oblivion so I made my peace with myself and agreed that this time is it.

I think you need to be having a good think where you go from now.

I read a post that likened gambling to the fire triangle. To be able to gamble u need time. Location and funds. Remove one or more and the ability becomes unlikely. Hand over all control of finances to ure partner. As soon as you get work money. Straight in the bank and to ure next app. It can be done and think you need to get it addressed.

I really hope u stick to it this time bud.

Take care.

A.n.d

I don't mean to sound blunt bud. It's my own therapy I am going thru too.

Hi

Thank you for the posts Dunc and new dawn

They are refreshing and insightful and straight to the point which is what I need

I wrote letters to the head office of the bookies that I have been going into to banning myself nationwide. I included a photo and told them I want the self exclusion note circulated to every outlet with photo and its a lifetime ban

I have also written the same letter to two amusements that I have been too. Too my knowledge that is now all the gambling outlets I have ever visited that I have lifetime banned myself from

I meant to write those letters when I told my parents. That would have saved me a lot of time and emotional hassle and helped everyone around me

But it is done now.

I already have betfilter on my computer and that's been on since March and it really is amazing

I went to my GA meeting last Wednesday and I will be back this week as per usual

Im TRYING to do the right things. I haven't really got many more lives, ive had more than a cat already

Trying to do the right things. Want to do the right things. Need to do the right things.

Gambling really has ruined a lot of my life but yet my lifes still intact........just

Id like it to stay that way

Went to my GA meeting on Wednesday, it wasn't a great one but I was there

Talked to a GA member on the phone today to let him know ive been gamble free

Wrote off three more self exclusion letters to bookies, think that's all of them now

I have a £800 surplus I need to locate within the next 10 days because its debt I haven't admitted to from gambling over 3 weeks ago. I came clean about £800 but not this £800 because of who it is owed to and the friction it would cause

But I haven't been gambling and im trying to do the right things

In some way im hoping by self excluding myself, going to GA and telling the TRUTH that I will hopefully get the Christmas bonus I probably wont get and that will clear the £800

Just maybe because Im literally doing EVERYTHING I CAN to stop gambling that I might get a little bit of luck from life in order to sort this £800

I wont be attempting to gamble it back I know that

Each day that has passed has got easier and little things are happening in life that make me realise what im working towards

I haven't gambled all week

Im really really trying

niboy

great to here u remain gamble free and didnt take my last post badly.

the blocks r in place and u need a couple of paydays to come and go to get ure head above water. it can be done. i am in a very similar situation. think its called on ure a55. lol

chin up and think about ure options. best options r credit unions to sort it.

do u have any near u. very low apr. dont do what i did and go to payday loans. i did this at my bottom and once hooked with them u r fooooked.

it can be sorted bud.

u r doing great.

a.n.d

Any chance of an update? I hope you are well and still gamble-free.

Dug out your diary.

I hope it all finished well for you. If you're still hovering...how are you?

A

Hey milkman and pelle

long time since I posted on this

in that time I've got married and bought my first house

sounds great eh? It should be, I've got everything I ever wanted

unfortunately my life is one big charade as I've been gambling pretty much every day for the last two years

In that time I've managed to pay off one debt management plan and gamble myself into another

ive had my parents bail me out of not getting sacked due to stealing from work twice and I've borrowed money from friends family and co workers. Pretty much everyone

i have somehow managed to keep all this from my wife who thinks I've been gambling free for over a year

I am in so deep over my head with debt that I've contemplated suiicde every day for the last two weeks but I don't want to die I just don't want to blow my world apart by coming clean with the lies

the problem is the lies. There are so many to so many different people. I've pushed my parents to the edge of a breakdown and pushed friendships to the limit

ive lied to people I've lied to and then I've lied some more. What I would have to tell all the people in my life would just destroy pretty much every relationship I havr

by by house by by marriage by by family and by by job

I have two options. Come clean and lose everything. Or end it all

to be honest I don't want to do either but I've walked the tight rope for so long that I've just run out of lives

I've no one to blame but myselg

ive done the following

been to ga

been to counselling

written letters banking myself from every casino and bookies (bar one...cause every gambler leaves a hole)

put betfilter on my computer

had hypnotherapy

i realy have tried everything but I always go back. I want to gamble....but I don't want to gamble

to be honest I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm a shell of the young kid who made people smile years ago

I only see one sad end for me in the long or short run

on Monday I go to work needing to find £3,000 by Friday to pay the money I've taken. I've one potential loaner but if that fails I'm just done. And even if I do get it will I actually stop?

friends and family support hasn't worked

professional help hasn't wirked

what actually works?

I guess whatever it is I don't want it enough

anyway hope everyone is doing better than me.

Ni boy

Fella I could have taken that post straight from my own gambling life.

All the good intentions of as many folk in an active gambler's life simply won't count for anything unless the gambler seeks to face their own addiction.

I can with honesty write that for me I relished the dodging the bullet through finding a way out of another self dug hole more thrilling than the act of gambling itself towards the end of my gambling life.

I sought to commit suicide because I believed it would gift those who I had effected most through my relentless feeding addiction.

Each bail out just gifted my next green light to continue gambling, the vicious cycle that is the compulsion to gamble.

Suicide is not the answer, a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

In my opinion it is a truly selfish act, but one who's shoes I wore.

I know today how close I came to losing my 'perfect' life, all because I didn't feel I deserved it, I sought to better it, wanted to peacock about the world bragging about being a winner, all for little or no effort.

Life as an active gambler doesn't work like that though fella, does it? ?

Life as an active gambler is one where you kid yourself that tomorrow all will come good.

At best I would break even, live to gamble another day, prolong the outcome for another day, because gambling gifted me nothing in return.

You are at a fork in the road fella, your choice is twofold, you can stick another band aid on the wound and blag on for what another day? , week? Or maybe for the next twenty years

But I know this, gambling ceased to make me happy long before I sought recovery, gambling my gambling caused some catastrophic damage, three and a half years on I am still repairing.

Your second choice

Recovery.

It's on offer fella, but you need to want it, yes you might lose your house, wife and all that carries, but it just maybe you won't.

I will say this

If you continue to gamble, feed addiction, you will lose more than I stated.

So what have you got to lose?

There is a wealth of help and support out there, again you have to want it for you.

Recovery is the one selfish act that I allow myself, because the profound effect it has I those folk I profess to love gain a positive outcome.

I hope you make the right choice, because the other option is pretty frightening.

I have in my recovery time sat and have spoken to too many folk who gambled away the opportunity you have, they left themselves without any options.

Don't become one of those statistics.

Because life is worth much more.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hello NI

What a mess you're in. But many of us have been there, or in a similar place.There's people on this site who've been here long enough still tripping themselves up every so often, so you're not alone in making mistakes when you should be staying stopped.

But what to do now?

Firstly, I have no training in how to deal with a potential suicide, so I don't know the right thing to say here, but I would just point out that your parents - who have helped you so many times, and undoubtedly love you - will live in Hell every day of the rest of their lives if you kill yourself, not to mention any siblings and your wife. Additionally, the problem will not go away - someone will still have to find and pay the money that you owe, likely your wife or your parents, which means they're going to find out anyway. So, please, don't do it to them. And don't do it to yourself!! You are still young, people recover and move on...not just gambling, but drugs, alcohol and so on. There is a better life waiting for you. If you live to be, say, 80, you are not even a half of the way through. You've got children, grandchildren, friends and family milestones, personal achievements, all open to you. I had my first child at 40, and I really thought it'd never happen (after my wife had had 6 miscarriages in a row). I now have three children. I was resigned to being childless when I was 36. Point being, you never know what's ahead. Let's face it, if it can't get worse now, what is there to lose in trying to recover?

Duncan gave a great response before me. To add to that: yes, you might lose your wife. But you might not. Your parents will be angry. But they will still love you, and they won't abandon you.

I hope you get your 'last chance loan'. I hope you get it, never gamble again, slowly sort out your debts and, 5 years from now, lead a wonderful life.

How about a few practical steps? You can start by closing that door you were talking about (I've done the same as you in the past - not good enough at this stage though). If you survive financially this week, how about giving all your cards and cash etc to your wife? you can tell the truth, a semi-lie or an outright lie ("I'm feeling urges and it's just to be on the safe side") but the end result should be the same - no access to cash. Do GA, counselling etc again and all at once. You are bitty at best on here - what happened to your commitment to post here regularly?

I don't mean to sound sanctimonious - I had and have my own problems with gambling and debt. At the moment I'm winning, 8 months clean. I had a Road to Damascus moment last July when chabb number 3 was born and I realised my attention was being diverted away from my children and I was missing the important stuff. but I'm still tempted, daily. I just don't want to lose it all now.

BTW,I'm 12 yrs older than you, so I hope you sort yourself out before I did. You and I have a 4 year history on here, and it's time to sort it out. You were the first person to make me laugh out loud on this site, probably my old diary, something about fiddling politicians. Remember it??!

Good luck

Any chance of an update? How are you?

Update please. What happened?

NI,

I do hope you're still reading. What happened? You were talking about ending it all in your post. Duncanmac gave you some terrific support, and advice. I added my twopenneth. I'm sure we're not alone in wondering if you're okay. How about a couple of sentences? There's more help out there if you apart from this site; please tell us how you're going on.

Mm

Hello NI,

Perhaps you don't want to share what's happened...but are you OK? Just a word would be good.

It's never too late to turn your life around. There's only one way to go when you're lying in the gutter.

Mm

Dear NI,

four years ago your final post made a real impression on me. I still check up on you every time I check in.

It would be great if you could give some sort of update.

Mm