Diary 1st entry, Repeatedly letting down everyone who has supported me.....one day ill lose everything

BTW, very funny!!

🙂 thought youd like that one!

Hi mate,

and cheers for dropping in on my diary, all good this week no gambling for me and no thoughts of roulette, I still think I will have a bet tomorrow, but you never know if nothing catches my eye perhaps I won't.

Glad to see you are building your days up again and glad that you managed not to get sucked in by one of them bandits the other day.

Stay strong.

Lee

Anything to report? I hope you are still gamble-free and going strong. I smashed through the one-month barrier on Saturday and am now looking forward to hitting Day 50. The days cannot pass quickly enough at the moment. I am desperate to get my teeth into 2012 and to consign my gambling days to the distant past.

Are you okay? I imagine you are busy at work but it would be good to have an update even if you just state how many days you are now gamble-free. You must be approaching the three-week mark.

Just echoing pellekanin's post, hope you're ok. If not, you need to talk about it.

You seemed in such a good mood last Thursday, it's certainly the first time I've laughed out loud reading anything on this site.

It is a week since you last posted anything on your diary. Please let us have an update on your progress. I am worried you have had a relapse yet do not want to admit to it. Do not worry, we have all been there and we will support you all the way.

Just thought i'd get you on Page 1 mate, hope ur ok. Drop in on my diary if you get chance and we'll catch up.

Best wishes.

Lee

Hey Ryan,

Just checking up on you buddy. I see it's been a little while since you last posted. I do hope everything is OK and that you've simply been busy enjoying life!

Just remember gambling urges can strike at any time and the smallest thing could trigger a slip. It's best to keep posting on here so you stay on top of this addiction.

Remember the diary is here to help you. If you're finding it tough let me know we are here to help 🙂

Best wishes,

Elite

Please give us an update on your progress. I hope you're still gamble-free, but don't worry if you've had a relapse - we are here to support you.

Pelle is right,

Don't worry if you've had a slip. It's the war were trying to win and that does sometimes mean loosing a few battles.

Remember everyone is here to help and this support is here for you even if you had slipped up

Elite

Hi All

First of all i would like to apologise for my absence, unfortuately over the last 10 days i fell back into spiralling binge gambling.

Im not looking for sympathy because i dont deserve it but as i had tried to go to sleep there i felt it was best to get the computer on and discuss whats been going on because people have been kind enough to ask.

I hit the fruits machines a bit 10 days ago and had a few small losses. Then a few became about £200

That wasnt great but it was manageable and i could get my way out of it.

However during a sombre conversation about gambling with my gf on Friday the conversation (which was a very depressing and emotional one on her behalf) went something like this

"Have you gambled since you told me (July)"

"No"

"Have you thought about it?"

"No"

"You know if you ever go in one of those amusement places again we are over dont you, because i cant go through that again, it was too painful, yes?"

"Yes i know"

The guilt was running through me.

I cant chastise my gf, shes the one who has financially supported my everyday life while all my wages went to paying off my debts and bills since July. She has given me money to get everyday things and helped pay off the big bills that i couldnt cover at the time.

And heres me.....went gamble free for a couple months, then couldnt help but get back into it.

The conversation depressed me, i thought of the 200 hanging over my head that i needed to clear in order to rid all evidence of my current gambling (seeing as she checks my withdrawls to keep me on the right track....)

I binged gambled today, i hit the megaslots and lost 420

Im 620 "in the hole"

Having to get a payday loan tomorrow to pay 300 that is owed to a friend asap. I also owe work 200 of customer money i "borrowed"

The rest is needed for xmas socilising and presents.

Its a dire state of affairs. My good friend has agreed to lend me 500 for 4 months on December 30th, this will cover the payday loan but im still 120 short of what i need to just cover everything.

Im not quite sure how i feel. When i was gambling i didnt feel so much guilt, when i lost i was annoyed for a while but then i seemed to just shrug it off. I shouldnt feel that comfortable with it.

My main mental challenge is how much im going to hate the next 4/5 months of lying and deciet as i try and clear up my gambling mess whilst trying not to gamble.

I just seem to easily 'forget' how many people have bailed me out in the last 4 years alone, no less than 10 friends or family have lent me money when ive needed it.

Thats a bit pathetic really. I guess i wonder if this will ever end.

Sometimes i feel ashamed, sometimes sad, sometimes angry, sometimes i feel nothing.

I think thats the worst part.

If i had one underlying feeling it might be easier to deal with but my moods after gambling are so different and all i do these days is lose....but yet i still have a different mood after each time.

The intial worry is the money flow as always right now but to be honest ive just ruined my xmas and my first 4 months of 2012

But my main concern is my gf....she has a lying, decitful, ungrateful, selfish bf who has taken advantage of her good nature and litereally thrown her support back in her face by not trying hard enough.

She looks at me and is proud, i look at me and im disgusted. Im the lowest of the low, shes a wonderful amazing giving person and i just act like i can do these things and cover it up so ill never lose her. Id say im going to lose her soon enough when something eventually slips up and ill get everything i deserve and my life will be shattered and pointless without her

What a horrible feeling...unfortunately if i get back on track ill forget how horrible this feeling is and ill end up doing it all over again until one day im jobless, single and shunned by friends.

Sometimes i think that could never happen, but as the days go on the more i think it can and will

Alright mate,

This is my first post on the site. I read the first couple pages of your thread and then i jumped to the last page. I feel your pain is all i can say.

I too find myself sitting here tonight in the knowledge that christmas is now something i will have to get through rather than be able to enjoy. I sometimes feel that the amount of strength it takes to be able to suck it up and carry the emotional pain that the gambling causes, why cant i use that strength to just take the gambling and push it far away and keep it away and never let it back.

I mean my gambling seems similar to yours, can not do it for a wee while, then it's just a tenner or twenty quid and before you know it your stepping back from a machine in a complete daze having lost god knows how much. Personally for me when this happens i want to be angry or i want to cry but all i feel is just emotionless, feel dead inside, and this scares me the most bc it's like my mind over the years has found a way of dealing with the consequences of this addiction. Just shut out any feeling. Then reality kicks in again when i have to sort money for bills and just to survive the month.

I'm here tonight because i want away from this, from the gambling, from the frenzy that takes over me. I'm not angry and i've let the money go. I don't even know if it's really about the money anymore, i mean sure everytime i gamble i want to win money, win money so i can do nice things, which is ironic because i can truly say gambling has never brought me one single nice thing, only pain.

I don't know how i'm going to get away from gambling, but i do know that everything i've read so far (not much i know) has resonated with me so i know i'm in the right place and it kinda feels important to me right now just to write this here, say it out loud so to speak. I don't want to have to carry this weight anymore.

Thanks.

Ryan,

I am sorry to hear about your recent return to gambling. But as I said before the important thing is that you deal with your addiction - you will not be chastised here. We are all in the same boat and here to support eachother.

I understand your concerns about your girlfriend. It's a tough one mate: she might respect your honest if you tell her what happened but in reality people just don't get this addiction and I fear she won't understand.

When it comes down to it there is no wrong or right answer, you must do what's right for you.

I wish you all the best,

Elite

Elite, Ems thanks both for your comments

Elite i fear your right, she doesnt realy understand addiction because i dont think she can 'picture' me gambling because she had never known me to be a gambler.

She cant see me sitting at a slot machine putting money in like its printing paper and dealing with the loss by being slumped over and depressed.

I guess if she never sees that she can never imagine it.

Ems i 100% know how you feel.

You seem to have those feelings, or lack of them that i have. I dont think i gamble to win money anymore either, i dont know why i do it, force of habit i think.

I can safely say the last 10 times ive gambled i havent won a penny. About 5 of those times i could have walked away between 50 and 300 up

But i didnt, i dont know why i gamble....its never like an amount of money is enough.

Anyway i have no idea what today will bring.....i really have absolutely no idea anymore

Anyway thansk guys