Diary 2

Thanks for the response elsewhere Alan and I know you are not and never have a go at me. I appreciate your feedback. Best wishes, Phil.

This is not a "rant" but I want to clarify my position and view on sponsors on my diary without seeking an argument + I thought it was appropriate to delete my comments elsewhere because I do not want vulnerable people to take my opinions as Gospel.

If you go to a fellowship whatever your poison of choice was, there is massive trust involved in choosing a sponsor. You feel a rapport with someone and approach them because you've been told to get a sponsor to "work the program".

So, you meet up with a person regularly and disclose a lot of personal information, start working the steps and I b-loody made a massive effort with the steps in the fellowship I attended regularly and then found out my first sponsor was still using. What was his motivation to be a sponsor? No idea.

My second sponsor, with more cynicism, I found out was hitting on vulnerable women in the meetings. The so-called "13-step".

Moreover, without arrogance (naturally I may be told differently!), I do not need to be told what the 12 steps are because I know they are pretty much the same in slightly modified form in GA, AA, NA, CA, OA....and the list goes on.

I have made my position very clear regarding meetings. I do not have any issues with people attending meetings and I am happy for those who get a lot out of them but if I ever go to the one and only GA weekly meeting in Cardiff and expressed myself I would still be very wary about sponsors.

I am not tarring every sponsor with the same brush - no way as I know there are good and kind people out there who want to help people with addiction issues.

More clarification - I stopped using when I was 33 and "only" started betting when I was 40. My addiction (which I am addressing one day at a time in my interpretation of the expression is working for me) lasted three years so I don't believe with a seven year gap I swapped one addiction for another.

I am honest, everyone near and dear to me - my wife, some family and small circle of friends know I am a recovering gambling addict and accept that but believe me I have had to eat some S**T sandwiches which I 100 per cent accept.

I could go on but I think on MY diary page I have made my view clear - I am not in denial about anything and live my life one day at a time, live honestly, pay the debts I accumulated and am a happier man with no complacency and more importantly a better husband, son,brother and friend.

Best wishes to anyone not gambling on the path you are on and please constructive criticism only and no dogma, Phil.

Had a lovely afternoon sitting in the shade as I burn easily with a couple of cold lagers and great company. More importantly no gambling or thoughts of gambling but good counsel from some of my best friends including a psychologist and a lorry driver. Great friends from lots of different backgrounds who know all about my gambling problem. Best wishes, Phil

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6byTftvSQyo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oV8PSj-hQvw

Dear diary: I've realised I've got to take these blinkers off I've been wearing. I had to look up the meaning for certain online: "To be able only to see things one way and unwilling or unable to consider other possibilities".

This is not true in many areas of my life where I am always willing to debate etc. but I can now see how I can come across here sometimes and for that I apologise.

The battle I've been fighting with myself mostly - lots of inner confliction which I've had in one way or another for my whole adult life for reasons I am only now discovering and discussing. Best wishes, Phil.

I looked at my bank balance earlier it was like "Ouch"!

But I'm in a DMP and I borrowed that money to gamble and I have to accept responsibility for that without feeling hard done by.

A DMP is not for everyone of course but I'm paying back my debts proportionally to each creditor through Step Change monthly and it does give me some peace of mind to no longer receive loads of phone calls, letters, text messages and e-mails.

Best wishes, Phil.

Dear Diary: I genuinely feel in my heart that if I gamble today - that's it. I'm back in the lift that only goes down. The consequences go way, way beyond losing money.

I'm struggling a lot with much inner conflict at the moment so God knows how I'd feel if I added gambling. I know fear won't keep me gamble-free, counting days (although it can of course give me a sense of achievement) won't stop me gambling etc.

I thought I had clarity - I didn't. I'm insecure - I'm learning why in therapy which I have just started again after a break of several months. I'm fearful and nervous - again learning why.

Gambling has come up in sessions but now it's time to look beyond the actual gambling and move onto the motivating factors and how to become the man I want to be.

An olive branch

Hi Phil 72

re your yesterday's post.

I hope you resisted the urge and didn't end up gambling.

I find that I turn to gambling to shut out negative thoughts. And it's daft cos after I've lost time and money then I end up with even more negative thoughts.

I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir here though.

And as for your post re voicing your opinions - I would rather someone voiced their opinion even if I don't agree with it cos it shows I'm being listened to and thought about and so don't feel so alone in my difficult journey to kick this addiction.

Hi Magsy, thanks for post. I didn't really have an urge I was just reflecting on recent events and realisations about my mind and like you say - negative thoughts.

I'm seeing a therapist but I'm a long way from where I want to be for lots of different reasons. My active gambling lasted three years but my underlying issues go way back.

Anyway here's to another bet-free day! Best wishes, Phil.

re: Chat. I am less and less complacent every day. I'm not into anniversarys but I think numbers bet-free should be acknowledged. It's not a brag, boast or commeration - just a comment. Best wishes, Phil

@Phil I was only joking. You normally say One Day At A Time every day in chat and on this occassion you were thinking ahead (2 days at a time). I am sure you will make 500 days. Very well done.

Cheers Degen - good talking to you last night and hopefully later. Well I guess another landmark or just a nice round number?

It's pleasing to have had the compliment from my wife I received earlier but at the end of the day I still have a long way to go to be the person I want to be.

Secondly I still have debts to pay which is part of taking responsibility for my actions. I advocate the debt management plan unless you have realistic alternatives. It really has given me a lot of peace of mind and I can sort of see the end in sight if I stick with the plan.

Here's to a bet-free day! Best wishes, Phil.

"A journey of a thousand miles must being with a single step." Lao Tzu. Ancient China philosopher.