So I want to just use this to check in maybe every now and then if need be. I've finally had enough of "Gambling" - The story does not need to be put out - Its a familiar one as they all have the same tone. Started off "Successful" at playing Poker - Even had some huge wins in other means but Stakes get higher and Chasing becomes the order of the day.
I'm in a lot of debt - Debt that will require serious knuckling down to really chip away at it - Finding a regular job in today's world is not easy mind.
The debt is in the form of a Loan - The payments are pretty high but they would only offer that so it is what it is.
I don't feel angry, disappointed or any of the previous feelings that have brought me to this forum. Whilst playing Blackjack I knew without a doubt something bigger was playing its part. I'd known for a while now I have a problem but its a problem that I give life to. I don't really believe its like Alcohol or Drugs - Not for me anyway.
The reason I kept going back was purely for Greed - Chasing the easy life and trying to get that the Easy way. I think I was pretty skilled at many of the games I played but Ultimately it didn't matter - I could win thousands and still refuse to withdraw it - Justifying it as some form of Bankroll.
I've gone really to the edge now - I mean in terms of Money I couldn't go any further in the Black Hole. I can't gamble again - Its not even a choice now.
In the past I used to hate the fact I'd lost more than anything else - This time the feelings are very different. I don't want to sit here and write worries or how I could of done this with the money or that with the money. That kind of processing is no good for my mind and just leads you to go back on the merry go round.
This time its no small bets in a few months time or when the stable lads ring me betting so I don't miss out on the "Good thing". Reality is this chapter of my life must be closed - I don't regret anything I've done because I believe ultimately it will make me a better man - Possibly but not today but certainly somewhere in the distant future.
The plan is to come and go from here - If the thoughts get strong I'll be here typing my thoughts into words.
This post alone can be a reminder to me that you cannot win - You have gone far to deep now and the only way out is by changing who you are.
Thanks for reading whoever you are,
I don't blame anyone but myself - My own weakness and lack of self discipline has brought me to this edge - Now its time to see what I am truly made of.
Hey Emily,
Thanks for your reply. I totally agree with putting measures in place that being said it ultimately comes down to will power. If I want to gamble I'll find a way regardless of the measures you suggest putting in place. That being said I've banned myself from nearly all bookmakers but there is always one available if your desperate enough to get a bet on or have go on the cards etc.
I feel a bit sick today - Been around racing for a long time myself so its hard to watch the sport and just enjoy it for what it is. However I'm doing it. I am not in a strong financial position and what gambling has done to me is eradicate the worth of the things that I do have. Chasing the things you think you want does that to you.
I haven't gambled today - I won't gamble again. I'm a beaten man in the regards to taking on the bookmakers. Its just not possible to beat them when you cannot ever stop regardless of how much you win.
Thanks for your reply. It means a lot.
Hey Emily its been 10 Days now,
I plan never to gamble again - I just can't do it. The debt will be paid for through nothing but hard work. So have to just apply myself correctly - What else can I do. I ain't beating myself up about it to much. It is what it is.
As much I am all for people willfully gambling. I can't help believe the Bookies must know the damage that is done. They see your accounts. I mean who can honestly afford the amounts they let people bet at on there Blackjack tables etc. Its total madness.
I don't blame anyone other than myself though.
How's everything going for you ?
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