Diary of a Bankrupt

Firstly, Good Morning to all of you.

Since 2008 i have registered to Gamcare, writing diaries, leaving for a while, and then returning, And i am committed to regulary updating this Diary from now on. I would love to commit to at least once a day writing an update, but i will update at least 4-5 times per week.

There is so much to my story, i feel i will be sitting here for hours writing and still missing important parts out.

I will start by saying this though.

On the 26th June 2015 i declared myself bankrupt.With debts of nearly £50,000 i took the 'cowards' way out.

That is If you call the 'cowards' way out committing to pay £1050 a month into an Income Payment Agreement for 36 months.

I thought through my steps in great length. Thinking about the Pro's and Con's of everything.

But i made my decision, and called the local county court up. I had my £715 to hand and only 2 days later i was sitting before the judge who declared me Bankrupt. Just like that.

It was such a strange feeling. i dont know if i felt happy, Sad, i pretty much felt nothing for a while. I remember just going food shopping later that day with £12 in my pocket and thinking, 'i dont have to worry anymore', such a surreal moment.

Last year (2014) was almost the end for me. Everything i held dear at that point and kept me going suddenly disappeared. My relationship with my girlfriend at the time ended after 3 years and i had to find somewhere to live. At this point i was in over £22000 worth of debt and now my expenses would be increasing, my earnings were less than they had been for a few years ( i will discuss this further later) and i wasnt in the right frame of mind, mentally and physically i felt weak and it all got on top of me. I hit a rock bottom.

As a guy who always prided myself on being seen in a good light, Happy, Smiley, a Family man, i felt that person was no longer there. A good friend of mine allowed me to live with him at his parents house, although temporarily, this provided me with enough breathing space to think through things. Living there though was hard. I was in a small box room with my friends old toys from when he was a young child there and i really felt sorry for myself. I became a recluse. Never leaivng the house unless i had to (going to work), I never met up with friends. I lost weight, i was very ill, and all of this happened due to Gambling.

Nobody knew of the situation i was in.

everybody who knew me thought i was doing well for myself. A top performer at work, Always cheerdul. But inside i was falling apart, and if only i had the courage and could swallow my own pride i would have admitted earlier i was in need of help.

The only thing that blocked out all my pain was Gambling.I would sit for hours gambling on anything. I would win big and lose much bigger. this would happen all the time. Until i had 4 weeks until i next got paid and didnt even have the money to buy a cup of tea.

I broke down to my Dad and Brother (separately) I remember clearly it was a Thursday morning and i just broke. I felt 100 times better after telling them how i felt. The support they showed me at that time was priceless. And i thank them for that, i needed a release and to get the issues off my chest really helped.

I knew i needed help when i kept saying just in conversation 'if i dont wake up tomorrow i wouldnt care', i said this too many times and my brother urged me to see my GP. My brother was there for me and i wouldnt be here without his help.

I setup a DMP with Stepchange who were really kind and supportive, dealing with creditors on my behalf and being a shoulder to me.

But then my Nan, who was like a mum to me passed away in January of this year. I think this broke me. I was worried about where our family was heading, i was in severe debt, not sure how my dad would react to the loss of my nan, and i relapsed.

I was at a weak point and wasted about 6 months wages in a few nights.

This continued for a few months and after deciding i have nothing left, i filled out the bankruptcy forms ( all by myself, if you have seen them, they are about 30-40 pages long, and some of the questions are very in-depth) and handed them in.

Years of pain over....

Taking time to reflect on this, i do feel good. I am proud of doing something about it.

I genuinely believe the only reason i gambled was because i was so scared of the debt. So the deeper i fell, the more higher my stakes were, and all i ever wanted was to be debt free. Now i am not so naive to believe that i dont have some kind of addictive personality, as the proof is there to see. But since i made myself bankrupt, i could see a light. The main reasons i am happy about my current situation is as follows:

1. Whatever happens, in 36 months after the Income Payment Arrangement is complete, i will be free of paying any more money to creditors.

2. If circumstances change within the 36 month term, I.E i lose my job, earnings adjust etc, I can negotiate or suspend the I.P.A and the end date of this would still remain the same.

I was frightened of the prospect of anywhere between 5-8 years of other debt routes, DMP or I.V.A, and Bankruptcy to me was the best option, as mentally i couldnt go the other routes. I wouldnt have lasted.

I'm not saying that this route is best for everyone, i am just saying it is best for me. My circumstances were dire and i am feeling a great weight lifted, knowing i am out the other end. Although there is still a long road to go.

I wish i knew of the help and support available to me when i didnt have anywhere to turn. This should be more easily accessible. Especially when i felt like i had climbed a mountain just getting out of bed and going through my normal daily role. The thought of having to think about my situation was one i wanted to avoid and that was the problem.

I will write more another time. But i hope you can see an aspect of my story and can relate in some way to how i got where i am.

Joe