Diary of a familiar tale

Day 4

Target 85

Thanks so much for the kind replies after my recent slip, you have all been so supportive and patient with me during this difficult time. It really really has helped, I feel alone with this addiction so all you kind diarists on gamcare have been like a massive support network.

WARNING --- THIS POST CONTAINS SOME XMAS RAMBLINGS, IF YOU THINK IT IS WAY TOO EARLY PLEASE CLOSE THIS DIARY......

85 Days until the new year, it is quite scary to see it so close but so far away in terms of staying gambling free. But it can be done, we can do it, I am so determined to have a gamble free period up to this date.

I have never been free during this period, the contrast between the happiness we should feel and my feelings of guilt were enormous,

Penniless with presents scraped together were embarrassing. Borrowing money to travel to see my family and not contributing anything.

Now I want it to be so different and the foundations have to be laid HERE. It is not just about being gamble free for the holiday period but starting today to help pay off some of the gambling debt I have accumulated.

I don't want expensive gifts for Christmas, I dont want to follow the latest fashions, unwrap the latest i-phone. I just want to wake up with a smile again. To be around loved ones receiving dodgy socks and reading awful cracker jokes.

I have been in a hole the last few days but I feel like my head is popping out of the top now into the light. I can see carnage all around that is for sure, but at least i am seeing again.

Stay safe and sound

Paulds

Yo,

Thank you for your post , could not open your link , but will maybe try on my phone later .

You can have a merry Christmas , you know what you need to do . One day at a time , it can be done!

I have every belief in you , it's important you do .

So to send you on your merry way , I have just sent you a virtual kiss , whilst standing beneath my virtual mistletoe ...... Did ya get it ?

Shing xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

yeah think way to much is put into christmas with the gift giving. hell seems we can give our way into a mass of debt we sure dont need. guess its hard if ya got kids to buy for, but found as they get older they are happy with a 100 dollar gift card and real glad i aint buying them that shirt they so hate. lol lol lol guess nobody ever threw the gift of cash back at me no matter how small the amount would be. guess its easier to stick to a budget to cause it is what it is and no more or less in the giving.

glad your feeling better

Day 5

Days until target 84

Target - New Years Day

Happy to chugg along now and build up those gamble free days. Have to pay a huge bill soon but don't have the money for it, everyone thinks everything is ok. I feel like that guy in the film Elizabethtown who finds out the trainer he has designed is a nationwide flop but the magazine article announcing it won't get published until a weeks time.

On to the positive side i feel strong, I can do this, I feel confident each day, just a minute away from disaster but that seems less likely.

Today I will not gamble and tomorrow I will put up a good fight.

Really want to stay gamble free up to the new year and as I have gone that many days before it does seem possible.

Flagg has a new thread starting soon and can't wait to join, that will be a massive boost to my motivation, signing on with everyone else.

Today I choose not to gamble, today the demon is back locked in chains under the stairs with triple padlocks, last time I kept a spare key to help him escape. This time I threw the keys in the canal.

Stay safe and strong today

Paulds

Morning Buddy,

Sorry to hear of your recent slip! However, as many have said getting back here takes courage and determination! You have shown that in abundance! I think it's pretty easy to spot someone who genuinely wants to be rid of this addiction and I really believe you want a gamble free life!

You have been a big supporter of the 90 day thread and for that I thank you! I know you are keen to be involved in the forthcoming thread so I just thought I would pass on a bit of insider knowledge! The thread will tie in very nicely with your personal target!

Im sure you have heard all the advice before so I won't ramble on just take it in bite size chunks and you will reach that target!

Take care,

Flagg

well good to hear ya in a good and positive mode. yeah them blues dont last forever and theres better days ahead. only day that matters is today cause the rest ya cant touch any way. lol keep smiling cause it just makes it all the better.

hi paul

carl

Sorry to here of your slip but its great that your right back on the horse and determined to hit your target and stay gamble free for the rest if the year. I'm gonna be joining the new thread also, so be great to have each others support and keep on clocking up them gamble free days.

Hi Paul,

Want to introduce myself, I dont live in a Jungle but couldnt decide a name when I first joined on here! Anyway's sorry to hear you slipped, I also slipped but managed to drag myself back to my original post, i felt a bit embarressed in a way but definitely the right thing to do, It would have been easy for me to start a new thread under a new name as if the last one didnt exist but for me that is just the same as gambling, lying to mself.

Sometimes the slips help, it may make you stronger now. I slipped twice in 6 months (and many many times prior to that) I only really count the last 6 months as a proper effort for me. i grew stronger eached time i slipped, and so will you.

I am also thinking the same as you, a christmas with family again (not stuck in a room shutting myself out and locking the door, waiting till everybody has left and the family is asleep before coming down to eat something!) Having a bit of money to buy people pressies, i dont care about myself, i probably dont deserve any after neglecting anybody for the last 8 years, what will make us happy again s being around family, friends and giving back!

I can't wait! Yo have all my support Paul and will continue to follow your Journey.

Pete

Hey Paul....its sad when you read thru 40+ pages of someones recovery and they fall over near the end because it drives home how exposed a newbie like myself will be to the urge....but the way you handled your blip is admirable , with honesty and an immediate desire to right the wrong... and Im now an avid fan of your diary....Good luck in your new initial 85 day quest and then for whatever you set yourself afterwards.

hope all is good with ya and the family.

Hi Paul,

Chuckled at your warning there - Xmas should come with a public health warning!!! lol

Paul, slips happen mate. It is what you learn from them. I have every faith that you can succeed in your abstinence. Just keep plugging away.

Take care,

f x

well thanks for the post to me thread. hope all is going good on the gambling front for ya.

Hi guys thanks for your support,

I have been posting less on my own thread, keep giving myself the same message, keep hearing those messages and still not doing enough. I think as CG's we have suffered so much guilt and heartache it will take us years to shift it, sometimes our actions are never going to be enough, never enough to undo all the lies.

Cut now to positive half of message......... The past is the past, can't ever be undone, it is not coming back......

Signed up for flaggs thread, really want to do this, have had some urges but the thread knocked them out, clean out. Marching on now with gamcare friends, xmas and new year gamble free for the first time in 20 years..............that be the target.

Stay strong and safe

paulds

Paul

Carl