Diary of a familiar tale

day 36

target Day 43

Thanks first of all Del Girl, Judy and Bsoul for your comments and support, it is something we always need and something I am always glad to receive.

Just one week until my target and one week until my diary is one year old. Terrible urges these past few days and yesterday just wanted to put money into those stupid FOBT's. But I passed them, gave them a v-sign from my pocket and bought £20 worth of shopping thinking woah that is a lot for two bags of shopping not perhaps realising the irony of how quickly I would have gambled that amount if I had entered the bookies!

Shame and guilt are my bedfellows but in the morning I try to awake to hope and gamcare. I don't want to gamble, I dont want to start at day 0 again. Today was another day spent fighting and today I won, each time I win I get stronger and can take a step back into reality.

Saty safe and strong out there

Paulds

Hi paulds

I've just taken to reading peoples entire threads. 2 days ago it was Duncanmac and today randomly it was yours. I don't plan on always reading what advice others have passed on but concentrate on what the writer is saying.

I've worked my way up to 52 days gamble free and after the initial few weeks of just concentrating on my own thread plus a few others that started their diaries at the same time as me I've decided to read entire threads.

Just wanted to let you know that your honesty is to be commended. To go from 40, to 80, to 100(with a very nice little bit of Belle and Sebastian thrown in) and on to 117 days is a great progression. I really hope you smash through the 117 mark this time and go on to be the ex gambler you crave to be. 117 days was a fantastic achievement. I am still dreaming of those sort of targets. I hope the losses on each of your slips has been minimal and that the support and inspiration you've given others and gained for yourself far outweighs the slip.

I am stuck with this sick addiction for life I fear and only need to learn how to harness the urges so as not to appease the gambling gods. I think they have had enough of my hard earned cash over the years. It's time they laid off me and let me be. I am a shadow of the person I wanted to be in life and this has been brought home to me in waves of guilt and emotion in the last 52 days of abstinence but most importantly I am learning on a daily basis that gambling just has no place in my life any more. Your words are a great encouragement but also a warning to guard at all times against complacency and I draw strength from that. I wish you so much luck in hitting your targets and hope we can support each other along the way. Best wishes.

G

Day 37

Target Day 43

Thanks SadG, that was such a lovely post, reading through my diary is not a pretty sight so well done for enduring it. At least the ups and downs are all there for me to see and I think this has contributed to the fact that I am still here!

Still fighting and yes I hope to get to pass 100 days again, then my record of 117 and then the whole year gamble free! Now I believe it can be done, but it is s important to take it ODAAT and this is the only way that we can build up significant non-gambling periods.

As CG's of course we want everything too quickly so we have to accept that patience is a virtue and there is nothing that gives us more strength each day than spending it gamble free and bing able to say, today I CHOOSE not to gamble, it is me in control, each day we get stronger.

It is tough and slow going but hang in there the improvement in our finances, health and relationships with others improves dramatically with time.

The relationship with ourselves seems to take longer, one of the side effects of non gambling is suddenly having to deal with a load of feelings, emotions like guilt and despair that were previously masked by the fog of gambling. It seems to be a common thread on these diaries that we struggle to deal with these emotions and I have been no different, crushing the urges yesterday was tough but dealing with the emotional fallout has been much harder.

All I can hang on to i the fact it may be cloudy today but it can't rain forever.

Paulds

Yeah sometimes feels like the rain will never end. boy gotta say it feels like It's been hurricane season around here the last week or so. LOL guess the sad thing is it ain't nothing I didn't bring on myself and knowing it full well and didn't really care at the time. Guess it don't take long for them caring thoughts to kick in and back to calling myself a idiot again. LOL just seems funny how all the misery and headaches disappear with a new pay day like what were ya crying about ya big baby? LOL dam just goes to show there will always be stupidity that will always flow through this head in thinking it wasn't all that bad. Boy be great if there was some.sort of operation that just cut out stupid. LOL

Congrats on your days.

I hear you on that one Broken, I wouldn't mind that operation myself! That hurricane will pass my friend, just batten down those hatches, ride it out and wait for the sun to shine once more

Still making big debt repayments each month so.....

Original target until debt free = 1460 days

Current Days until debt free 1100

I just love counting but not really stressing, just going to take it ODAAT that is all that matters, tomorrowsbattle I will deal with tomorrrow.

Paulds

Day 38 gamble free

target = day 43

Just five days to go and I believe I can make it, I feel stronger. The urges are still there each and every day but not as strong now.

I have been looking back over my diary this week and every day I have felt down and this is not good, I know it is not good and I know why it happens. When I stop gambling reality bites and I have to be grown up and deal with everyting else in my life, what a mess.

Well of course abstaining from this addiction is THE only way forward from that all other paths will sprout.

Have a good day out there everyone, just taking it ODAAT and staying safe and strong.

Paulds

Day 39

Target day 43

Thos days be a creepin' along, getting a bit obsessed with recovery now, when you watch the water boil that cup of tea is just going to take longer to make.

I have been posting every day for a while as I have felt weak and it sure helps and especially to concentrates the mind.

Just focused on the weekend now, take it ODAAT, boring but sensible, then maybe cut back to posting once a week again.

Reading about all those gambling thoughts on other diaries keeps gambling thoughts at the forefront of my mind. I know I do it as well as obviously these are our diaries and of course it is better to speak our minds.

Some wise old heads on this forum used to say ENJOY your recovery which I just couldn't understand in the beginning but now I realise what they meant.....

Stay safe and strong out there!

Paulds

well hey and your just zipping along in them days. whatever ya do dont let me catch up. lol nothing worse than seeing that day one as we all know. just keep doing what your doing cause its working.

Hi Paul,

Thank u so much 4 ur post on my diary. It made me laugh about the cards 🙂

Well done on 39 days gamble free, ur determination and positivity shines thru!

U can do this Paul, I believe in u!

Have a gr8 nite 🙂

well paul

well done keep at it the target will soon fly past

Day 40

Target day 43

Thanks Carl, it is indeed good to see the two digits change!

Still thinking of posting much less and taking a small break from the diaries as I have to get on with life and not obsess too much about my recovery.

Reading other diaries really helps and I have Flagg's thread to check in for 2013. Who knows just by taking it ODAAT I might get to a whole year.

Another reason for posting less is that some people seem upset with each other. Everything is so open here it is such a shame when people feel they have to leave because of it. I don't really want to read about my friends being upset as I am sensitive old soul. Peace and love!

Paulds

Hi Paulds,

You are doing great! I share your thoughts about writing less, and for similar reasons. I will however continue to look for your posts maybe once a week? 🙂 OR, of course whenever, and wish you continued success on your journey. Take Care friend, -joan

Hi paulds thanks for your post, great to see you so close to your target. I know what your saying about posting less and also about the "mood" of the site recently. But I really think sticking to this site is the best way forward. We are all different but from experience whenever I take a step back I get complacent and end up slipping. Every recovery is different but my advice would be don't stray to far. Take care and looking forward to seeing you hit that target.

well congrats on the big 40. hell wish i was that age again. well maybe not. lol lol lol

Day 41 gamble free

Target = day 43

Just one foot in front of the other at the moment is the way forward.

A couple of days until target and reckon I will make the next target the half-century.

Just really do not want to gamble today, the urges are still there but as they get weaker I get stronger.

Stay safe and strong

Paulds