Diary of a familiar tale

Hi Paul

Well done on hitting your current target. Keep going. You're doing great. Strength in numbers on here. So many positive people to read about when the going gets tough but you sound like you're coping well. Best wishes.

G

nice one paul glad you reached the current target fella, now its time to set next one and enjoy life fella

hi paul

keep at it fella

Day 1

I hate &*!!£$% day ones

What is it in my brain that does not compute, now to start all over again, now to hang my head in shame once again, now to check in with my tail between my legs on the gamble free thread. Now to apologise to all those who have helped.

I lost £400 in 4 days, it is gone, I had access to a huge amount of my cash so I am glad I stopped and did not gamble it all away. Most people do not know I have this problem so still trust me with huge amounts of cash that I accpet with a trembling hand.

I wont detail the bets as I know this can trigger others. I have spent the nights crying and I dont mind admitting it, not anymore, not least here on this wonderful site that has so many great people that have come together from all walks of life to beat this horrible addiction.

Once more I am back and soooo determined to beat this, I will soon be moving and have to self-exclude from the local bookies which are my curse.

i will get paid in 10 days so until then will exist on air sandwiches but I do not complain, all this is my horrible fault.

It is not all gloom and despair, I am back to fight, each time I feel stronger and more able to step out each day I choose not to gamble, just for today that is all, so my target is day 2 that is all.

Paulds

Hi Paulds,

It must feel like groundhog day sometimes but a year on your still here and still fighting the battle, sometimes the strategy of war has to change, Like duncs says recovery is bespoke and one size doesnt fit all, you have to keep trying different things untill you find what works for you.

Your diary serves you well and I know you stay close to it after a slip or when the urges are strong, Maybe committ to using it daily for the next few days/weeks.

I read at least 1 newcomers post every day so i can keep re-programming my brain about the destruction gambling will cause if i go back.

When the urges come think about tactics you could use to distract yourself ?

I know its so easy to just go into gambling mode or (f**k it mode) but for me its about giving my brain some time to think rather than just acting on them straight away, when i have urges I count to 100 sounds stupid but it works for me.

You are strong paulds you are resiliant keep using that strenght to fight, I know you will.

One day it will just click, " I cant win because i cant stop so I wont place that first bet".

Keep going paulds, Go easy on yourself .

Take care

Blondie

Awe sorry to hear about the slip and know what your feeling. Been there oh so many times.

Guess every day brings us a new day that brings us closer to that goal. Today is only the beginning and tomorrow just brings US another today. So yeah, just work with today.

Paul,

Change is hard. Really hard. That is all you are experiencing. You are trying to wipe out a compulsive habit, that had you at your knees every single day 2 years ago. I would say you are doing pretty fantastic!

It's OK to make mistakes. Not wanting to use this person as an example with nasty intentions, but it is not as if you are failing to make changes, act on advice and put work into your recovery like Baljit seems to be. He is just as capable as myself, as are you, but it's about effort and persistence. Just coming onto the forum to complain about your gambling, is not working at recovery. You don't just do that. You help yourself. I know you were interested in learning from others how to put up barriers to gambling, when you first came here. Forgive me for not being up to date on what barriers you have put up, but I'm sure you have taken steps to make it harder for yourself to gamble.

You are straight back on here after a relatively minor slip (£400 would be a massive slip to me, but it depends on the extent you were gambling before, and I know this is on the lower side of what level your gambling had reached at it's worst).

Yes, it's good to feel disappointed that you made a mistake, but don't beat yourself up. A common trait I have noticed in us CG's is we are very harsh on ourselves, and have low tolerance of mistake-making in ourselves. Really, it's happened now, and your energy would be much better spent fuelling determination to overcome this. Learn from this mistake - it's a process recovering from any addiction. Ask yourself what you learned from this? Use that insight to prevent it happening again.

I wouldn't recommend trying to read my whole diary right from the start - you would be on all day - but I'm happy to share with you that I made more frequent mistakes than you have done. I also don't think I have encountered anyone in the 3 or 4 years or more on this forum who got it first time, and as soon as they decided they weren't going to gamble anymore, never ever did.

Anyway, as I say - I started off more shakily than you have by far - and now I'm on over 18 months free. Don't let your mistakes dictate what you are capable of. I think you are capable of long-term abstinence, and mistakes may happen again, but thats OK.

I very much doubt at almost 34, that I will go to my grave never having gambled again, not even once. For me, 99.99% is great.

Anyway, I've rambled on a bit! I'm not posting as much as I used to on the forum, but I am always here should you need me, these days I just need people to give me a shout, as I'm not reading daily.

Keep at it!

f x

Hey Paul

Not sure any words are going to make you feel any better right now but I wonder what reasons you came up with for gambling this time. What triggered you to do it after you were doing so well. I'm sorry you've slipped. The gambling gods show us no sympathy. All they want is your money, your pain, your guilt and your pride. They don't care for us at all. They're only happy when we're in the gutter struggling to come to terms with what we've done.

We mustn't give them that satisfaction my friend. We have to be stronger than anything they can throw at us because they feast on our urges.

If you have to have one more bet why not bet on yourself coming out of this a stronger better person. Someone who won't be beaten again. The only way to win is to not bet.

Sleep on it and wake tomorrow with a new sense of purpose that you are the better man. I wish you well. Supporting you all the way.

G

Hi Paul,

Sorry 2 read about ur slip, this journey is sooo tough!

It takes a lot of strength 2 come back here and admit it but wot matters is that u have not given up u r back here so determined and fighting!

U can do this!

We r all here 4 u 🙂

Stay strong 🙂

Day 2

target - Day 3

Simple as that for the target, yesterday was a big day, but how can we expect to change when we dont change?

Thank you so much for your comments and support, I am back fighting again and I am never going to give up. That is the main difference from now and one year ago. I had given up then and thought that my whole life woulkd be one gambling nightmare after another. Now I believe it does not have to be true. Now I have sen how others have taken back control of their lives and fouind happiness once again. A year ago I discovered this forum and I just think that with hard work and determination to live again this site could be my salvation. Although as we all know salvation lies within....

Freda, every word you type is true and thanks so much for such an honest response. You have been there for me from the start, I read through your diary one afternoon last year! I may just re-read it to give myself some more inspiration.

Too many slips now, soon I will be moving so going to self-exclude, this was where I slipped up as I was visiting my new neighbourhood where I was not self excluded from. I have blocks on the internet so have not gambled for a year from any computer. I WILL DO THIS! I WILL BE HAPPY ONE DAY!

Paulds

Day 3 gamble free

Target day 10

Small target but immeasurabley important, each day gamble free is a blessing and an achievement no matter how hard we are on ourselves.

Whether on day 3, 303 or 3003 we all stride on together, only positive thoughts today as I can now imagine a life gamble free filled with happiness.

That day is a long way off but I will enjoy counting the days one by one. One year ago I set a target of 4 years or 1460 days until debt free.

Over a quarter of that has gone now so down to 1083 days until I can save money again. When that reduces to three figures I am going to have small celebration.

Just going to take small steps for now, not looking too far ahead......Just for TODAY i CHOOSE not to gamble.

Stay safe and strong

Paulds

Day 4 gamble free

target Day 10

Waking up in a determined mood these days and feel much stronger.

I am moving this week so have arranged to go in a suit of armour and for all the barriers to follow me around.

Really feel much better, more positive and I just really do not want to gamble anymore. So just for today I am choosing not to gamble.

Don't think I can cope with anymore slips, gonna stay strong, have to stay strong.

Paulds

Day 0 - not even waiting for tomorrow to log straight back on. Couldn't get the blocks in quick enough in the new town. Now they are in but I gambled this morning, ashamed and embarrassed especially after all the great advice.

I had dreams that 2013 would be my year, I still want it to be so. I once wrote a letter to my future self and it really helped so going to do it again.

Dear Future Paulds,

It is one year since you started to take the necessary steps to stop gambling as it had had you in its grip for 16 years. During that year you spent most of your time gamble free but kept having slips including today.

There are no kind words that can express the enormity of what you were doing today. You will ruin your life and make everyones life a misery around you as you fill what could be a loving and peaceful life with lies, deceipt and poverty.

I write to you in the future knowing that if you haven't changed then no changes will occur, if you have not given up gambling for good then you will have thrown away, everything you have worked for and above all the most precious thing in this world namely love.

This love will have left you and you will have deserved it, you will lose your house and you will have deserved it, you will have lost your job and this too will have been your fault.

I want you to know that this day was a day when a line was drawn in the sand, on this day you made your choice, I do hope that you made the right one as there is still a chance, a glimmer, but a chance nonetheless. There is a path you can take towards redemption and not disaster.

The future Paul will have had this choice, just having the option is a very strong position to be in as today, right now i can decide which door to take.

Future Paul I also want you to know how I feel right now, as tears run down my face,what I am doing to myself? and have done for so long? This disease which is eating me from the inside out, destroying everything in its path little by little.

Future Paul if you find happiness then hold it so tight and do not let go, embrace change and believe in yourself. Don't feel like this again.

If you have managed to find a way to live with this addiction and can reach a peaceful place as others have done, then don't forget to thank all those who have helped you along the way, if you have found salvation then the first step was registering on this site. Gve yourself a pat on the back too.....from me.

Paulds

Strong stuff Paul.

I truly wish you well in your recovery. Post as often as you possibly can. We all need help in our recoveries as well as drawing strength from seeing others doing so well.

So now you've drawn your line in the sand. On one side stands a destructive, unhealthy, nasty manipulative, uncaring gambling god rubbing his hands at the thought of pulling you easily across that line that you so confidently drew in the sand. He will try to drag you all the way across the beach and in to the water to drown you if you don't show him you are the better being. On the other side of the line is you Paulds. So face him down, tell him no more, enough is enough, right up to his face then turn your back and walk away from him. He doesn't need to know your name. He doesn't care and neither should you. You don't plan on meeting him again.

Keep that dream alive for 2013 Paulds. We will support you all the way. Be ashamed and embarrassed but only for this weekend. Come back Monday stronger, a bit wiser, post your thoughts regularly and fight the fight. You will inspire others too. Best wishes.

G

Day 3 gamble free

Thanks Sad G for the wise and heartfelt comments, everything you say is true.

It has been a tough three days but now I know it does eventually get easier I just have to fight harder, to walk taller and to remove the time and means necessary to gamble.

I am never giving up as i feel now it could finish me, I am here to take back my life as others have inspirationally shown me.

Paulds