Diary of a familiar tale

HI Paulds,

Having something to aim for is always good to keep us focused, flagg has been putting £1 away every gamble free day and in 36 days he flys to barcelona.

Gambling steals our dreams from us, a trip to asia is more than achievable, GO for it !!! Grab it with both hands. Save me a place at that table of happiness .

Take care

Blondie

Totally true Blondie, we can make our dreams come true, life is ours to take back!

I went through March last year gamble free and intend to do the same. I have set my self a mini march challenge to help me get focused

Tomorrow will be Day 1 of 31. Each day I do not gamble I will reward myself with a smile as I get into bed each night as I will have deserved it. This may not seem much but these days a smile is worth so much more as I try to keep sane and keep the bad feelings away.

If (when) I make it to the end I will reward myself with a new sports watch with GPS.....

On you marks....ODAAT... go...

Stay safe and strong

Paulds

Day 1/31

Last year March was gamble free and this is the aim again. Just for today i am not going to gamble.

Paulds

Well hoping ya get that sports watch and with gps none the less. Never heard of it myself and the technology today has no ends. Guess they got a watch out there too that tells ya ya got a email or some kinda message just in case you missed it on your phone. Lol

Day 4/31

Thanks for the reply BS that is true about that technology! Time to take it nice and slow at the moment. Just want to be happy again, only by not gambling can I do this...

Paulds

Day Zero,

I don't think I can really beat this, it is just too strong and I am weak.

All I wanted was to be happy and to be able to sleep at night and I could not achieve this.

I have blocks on the pC and have not gambled online since they were in place over a year ago. I get paid cash by customers and have to travel which takes me to places with bookies that I am not self-excluded from, the rest is history...

I am about to lose everything I wanted, a house a loving partner, my family and my sanity. I feel that I have let everyone down on Gamcare, so many times people have taken the time to offer me heartfelt advice and I have thrown it back in their face. I really cant go on it is killing me from the inside out.

I have never said this before but this is it, if I can't beat it this time I will lose everything, I am on the brink mentally physically, financially. I am going to quit Flagg's 2013 thread and give this one more go. I am going to do what it takes, if I have to quit my job so i don't handle cash then i will do it. I will take any job, if it means i have to move abroad again I will, if it means I get counselling then I will. This can't go on, it is killing me...

Finally I am so sorry for letting people down, feel free to rant or if you feel I am a waste of time then I understand why you may never want to post on my diary again.

Anyone who is thinking £20 it wont hurt.....this is what it does to you.....

Paulds

First things first Paul, you've let no-one down - and shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed to come back on here. You've done exactly the right thing in holding your hands up and accepting defeat. Of course, it's disappointing to hear about someone's slip-up, but there is no judgment - we share your pain having all been in the same situation ourselves.

It sounds like you have hit a really low point - and this may be a blessing in itself. Despite stating 'you don't think you can really beat this,' with courage, determination and commitment, you CAN and WILL. Indeed, determination shines through later on in your post; it may be that you need to bring about real change - to address some difficult things and make choices that will help you beat this monster.

Dust yourself off, remind yourself of what's important in life, and commit to recovery. You can do it mate.

Supporting you all the way

D123

Hi Paul,

Could never judge you! you have tried so hard, from the second you reached this forum. I have been gambling today. I feel like cack too. We can't look at the worst days mate - we have to look at the overall trend.

You have massively addressed your gambling, and put many blocks in place. It is massively, massively addictive. People jump off bridges cos of this demon. Don't underestimate what you are fighting - it's not as if it's a small, easy thing to beat. Give yourself credit.

I believe in you Paul, together we can all beat this. We just have to accept as close to 100% as we can get.

Take care,

f x

Day 1

Thanks so much for the messages of support, it is now or never I can't continue like this. Just going to take it hour by hour at the moment.

The only way to change the routine is change the routine. Being gamble free today will be an achievement. It will takes months to get over the financial loss caused in 2 days but I am not looking that far ahead. Step by step.

Paulds

Still day one and still taking it hour by hour. I have spent everything I have this month and cannot pay for the bills that remain I will default on my house payments and yet I still think about where I can get money from to try and get myself out of this situation.

MADNESS!, the urges are strong but I am determined to resist, I can't stop gambling if i can't stop gambling......

STRENGTH today please STRENGTH! Deliver me to day 2...

Paulds

Hi Paul's

So sorry to see your struggling and have gambled, you must feel like your going round and round in circles at the moment,

Your head will be all over the place I'm sure and the urges are strong because you can't see a way out at the moment but the answer doesn't lie with gambling again.

If You can't pay your bills or your mortgage why not ring them up and explain that you have to miss this month, face it head on rather an hide from it for a month, you will be surprised how helpful they might be.

You said in your post that you might lose your family or home that could happen if something doesn't change, be that change Paul's ? Just one day at a time, embed that in your mind you only have to do it today, tomorrow you get to decide again.

If nothing changes, nothing changes. .

Keep hold of that strength and fight it Paul's, with all that you have. Keep yourself busy give you head some breathing space, there is no easy way out of this but there is a way out.

Take care of yourself.

Blondie

Hiya Paul,

Delgirl here...Still floating about here from time to time, just wanted to say thinking about you. xo

Just to add about the mortgage, I was able to take a couple months holiday from my mortgage when things got really bad, check to see if that is available? It does come as at a price, but another option for you to look into maybe.

Also because you are travelling to other towns, would having self exclusion forms and photos with you at all times, be a solution...being prepared might just make a difference. Also with carrying the cash around, what about lodging the cash straight away?...eg into a post office account? I'm not sure how practical all this would be for you.

I know you want to beat this...keep fighting...you will get there.

Love Del xo

Sorry to hear ya been having a hard time beatin the bast-ard down. I know what its like only to well to loose it all and go in search for more to loose. Hell just compounding the troubles and misery and its hard to except that money be lost forever. Its a sickening feeling but one that needs to bring us to our knees in that all has been lost and I cant do this any more. Yeah we can only take so many beatings and it starts to take a big toll on us emotionally and physically. Seems like our bodies had enough of this torment and just time to let go.

day 2 - gamble free

Thanks Blondie Del Girl and BS, your words of kindnes have given me a massive boost as well as a good dose of reality. This forum has helped me so much and your messages mean so much and make me more determined.

Yesterday there were urges all day, each minute really but now it is different as I had expected them.

This morning those urges are there again, where can I get money from to gamble. Yesterday i chose not to give in and I am determined to make that choice again. I am seriously looking for another job and will default on payments this month that will have to be repaid in the following months. So be it, this is what it is, my credit rating will be destroyed but my sanity will remain intact.

If I keep making the right choice I can start to live a normal life again in a few months, the alternative is quite frankly hell. I feel lower than ever before but I know oh so well that even this is not the bottom, I could fall further. However I am going to fight until the last breath in my body exists. The long periods of non gambling were achievable last year so I know i can do this.

Thanks again for the support it means so much xx

Paulds

Hi Paul's

Well done on day 2 , keep fighting those urges with all you have your fighting for your life back.

You deserve a good life you deserve to be debt free and happy and have that trip to Asia that you dream off, don't let gambling steal anything further from you. It's all there ready for the taking , keep making those choices and it is nearer than you think .

Take care

Blondie