Diary of a familiar tale

Day 3 - gamble free

Fighting those urges but determined not to give in and helped by the comments on my diary this really spurs me on.

As other hsve pointed out nothing changes if nothing changes, if I don't put that first bet on then I will be bet free.

Today I CHOOSE not to throw my money and sanity away. Today the armour gets tougher.

Paulds

Hi Paul's,

That's fighting talk if ever I heard it, you can do,this believe in yourself move away from thinking your not worthy or that gambling can change your life, like he man says. I HAVE THE POWER. You have the power to change it, I know it might sound airy fairy but its true and it's a great feeling when you start to see the results.

Keep going your doing just great

Take care

Blondie

Hope all is good with you and holding your own with them urges. Happy St pattys day and hope ya get a extra big plate of corn beef in there. Guess I dont know if ya all get into the corn beef on the day but big in the U.S. that and good cold beer to go with of course. Lol well way more than one and a good excuse for a lot of drunkenness really. Lol lol lol

Hi

notice you have not posted recently after your slip and just hoping that you are ok.

Would be good to hear from you so we can all offer support as we all understand how difficult life can be at these times or just to hear that you are doing fine.

xxx

Hope all is well with ya also and wishing ya a happy easter.

Hey paul

Come on fella keep posting on here. If not every day then every week. Find the time and strength to get on here and better yourself for you if nothing else. Gutted about your slip but hopefully you've learnt something about yourself. If I can give up then anyone can. My life was soooo destructive last year. I sank to depths I wouldn't wish on anyone yet I saw the light and chose to walk a different path. Now nearly 5 months gamble free. Lots of debt but without the gambling I still have my sanity and my 2 families- My one at home and my Gamcare one.

We will support you always. Never judged. Best wishes fells.

G

Hi,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am

just checking in as I have been away from the forum for a while and there have been some monumental changes.

I had been tackling this on my own in secret with the help of everyone on the forum but could not get away from the slips even when building up months gamble free. This resulted in losing all the money I had for house repayment and bills and after also losing money I subsequently borrowed to cover this I broke down, told my partner and came clean.

Many others have done this, many others have not, of course in an ideal world we would all do it but I am not here to judge those who do and those who do not, just to say that handing over my bank card and taking arranging counselling sessions were quite liberating and for the first time gave me real hope. I think I always was leaving myself a way back in, now I cannot, I feel helpless but protected.

The relationship with my partner has in one way strengthened as they knew something was amiss and feared the worst, on the other hand I have destroyed all trust that we had and face questions every minute o the day , checking up on me, it feels horrible but it is what I deserve. If we do not behave responsibly, how we can we expect trust in return?

As I was ahead with my debt repayments, this latest setback has put me back to the start again. I started this journey with the aim of becoming debt free in 4 years and I am 1 1/4 of the way through.

I have the utmost sympathy for anyone going through this right now it is soul destroying.

I know that I could never have come so far without the support and advice from this forum, all my present actions come from what I have read here. I don't post often but am always reading.

Let us go forth and be the people that we want to be

Thank you so much for kind words in my diary and it is so a two way thing as we all need that support and understanding.

Sounds like you have been through a really rough patch but you are back on track and that is the important thing especially with your partners support. You will soon re establish trust and you acknowledge your relationship has strengthened so as the song says 'things can only get better'.

As for rocking my boat, I have been rocking boats for years and learnt to swim at a young age as fallen overboard many a time. At least on here I get thrown a life belt now and then.

You can be whoever you want to be.

xxx

start = 1460 days until debt free

now = 1008 days until debt free.

Just love those days coming down, even though it is still 1000+ I don't mind, it doesn't seem a long way off. Just taking it day by day, I had my second counselling session which went well and handing over control of all my cards means that the daily urges cannot be acted upon.

90% of my salary has been assigned to bills over the next two years which is very depressing but at the same time quite liberating, just have to find a new (free) hobby to take up to occupy my mind, that seems to be a recurrent theme on these diaries as us CGs look to replace the buzz...

Hey Paul's

Fantastic mate well done, you must be relieved in a way to have some support, your not on your own now, and the councelling will really help.

You have taken some massive positive steps that will only aid your recovery and add some more pieces to that body armour, (thanks for mine by the way) , you can never have enough.

1000 days is nothing you have that target in focus keep stepping in the right direction and its more than achievable,

Well done, I'm so pleased for you.

Take care

Blondie x

Thanks Blondie,

You are right those steps are painful but they really do help

Original target 1460 days until debt free

Current target 1001 days

Quite a milestone this week as it will be under 1000 days and time to start enjoying each and every one of them.

The counselling sessions are going well although can be raw and painful, trying to explain what goes through my head when I gamble is difficult, I know it is wrong, I know I am destroying myself and those around me but I still do it. Well still DID it I should say, I just don't gamble anymore.

Also checked out the GA meetings which although aren't in my area but I thought I would give them a try as I have never been before.

Whatever it takes I guess is the message, whatever it takes to be able to live again is what I will do...

Stay safe and strong

Paulds

1000 days until debt free.

Feel great as 460 days have gone by, not all of them gamble free unfortunately but feel I am getting better.

Now everything is out in the open with my other half I feel safer, still urges everyday, I was trusted me with 15 pounds to buy some shopping, managed to avoid those dreadful places where in the past I would have lost this and so much more without even thinking.

Well I say trusted, I think this has gone forever between us, who knows. I can't do much about the past now apart from tell the truth.

Just one bet away from disaster, I am going to try a GA meeting for the first time, not sure what to expect or what to do but anything it takes to get my life back I will.

Still gamble free and one day more on the road to life, I am not sure if this is a journey as journeys often have to have an end destination and the gambling addiction is never fully conquered.

Not all journeys have a destination mind you, I remember reading about a man who has been travelling around the world for 30 years and never plans to stop....

Down to three figures today, just 999 days to go until debt free, this may sound like a lot but it is not compared to some people and considering I started this journey at 1460 days I am happy to see the ticker counting down.

I went to GA meeting it was good, another piece of armour has been added, felt self-conscious and embarrassed about telling my story and wont mention gamcare again as several members were incredulous that I could combine both as a form of recovery. Not going to judge them though as some of them have 20+ years non gambling so they must be doing something right! I am going to make it regular occurance as whatever it takes is whatever it takes

I am going away now so on lockdown mode and will post at the end of next week

stay safe and gamble free

paulds

Day 20 Gamble free

988 days until debt free (counting down from 1460)

Still ticking along, first few weeks are always the worst, have to do it this time and want to build up some nice months gamble free, let's just take it one day at a time, target is 21 days no more no less.

I have been attending counselling and GA meetings and have handed over all control of my finances, still need cash for work but so far so good. Really going for it this time, sometimes you reach a point of no return, just keep trucking!

Paulds

Hi Paul's,

Well done on the gamble free days, and also attending ga, my first meeting was one of the scariest things I have done but within seconds I felt at home, sharing your story can be liberating and people like here understand and don't judge.

Keep building that body armour.

Take care

Blondie