Diary of a familiar tale

Well good to hear all is good on the gambling front with you. Way to go and keeper up.

243 gamble free

762 until debt free

Tomorrow will be 8 months gamble free and all I am looking forward to is waking up to another day gamble free, that is all, just one more day, I can do it.

One day is possible; a lengthy period of time is not. One day is manageable when today is a day I'm finding it hard to manage my life and emotions.

I can do it, it is just one day.

Today I bought some Christmas presents when last year there were none. I must think of others when those urges come.

Paulds

256 Gamble free

749 until debt free (counting down from 1460)

Horrible urges this weekend, I have the time to gamble, I have the money to gamble and I have somewhere to gamble.

It cuts me up inside, the demon is large and seems to have a lot of good arguments;

it is only xx quid,

it can't hurt,

even if you lost it wouldn't matter,

this match is a sure thing,

you are bored let's liven up life,

no-one would ever know.....

Walking back up my street felt like I was returning home after a marathon, incredibly drained but happy, knowing that today was another battle but I was giving myself a chance. Imagine it was your loved one you were placing on that roulette table instead of money.

It shows that it will never be over, that I will never 'get there' or 'beat it' or 'solve it' or 'arrive'. This is it, just don't put on that first bet.

I can never remember being gamble free at xmas the sports come from everywhere, my tactic this year is to send as much time with the family to spend time at work and to go and do things keep myself occupied.

Even though it is the 22nd I am not thinking about being gamble free for xmas, not yet, just today will do, tomorrow is a whole new battle.

Paulds

Hi Paulds,

Great post and well done for fighting the urges!! You are right, there is no point to try and "beat" this addiction, it has immense power, but ..ya know, we are stronger over it, each day making that choice and putting our life in a first place. Day at a time, the only way to come out as a winner.

You did it today my friend, you should be proud!! Great achievement and inspiration, thank you and keep up your ongoing recovery!!

Merry Xmas and lovely New Year

Enjoy it with your loved ones, because that's what matters the most 🙂

Sandra

Hi Paul,

Thanks 4 all ur support this yr, it means a lot 🙂

Happy new yr xx

Day 264 gamble free,

741 until debt free.

Every day there are urges to gamble, to ruin my life and to ruin the lives of my loved ones.

Each day now is a battle to walk on, I am determined to get through this day and no further than that, tomorrow is a new battle.

The guilt and remorse manifest themselves in nightmares. The trust has gone, she will never fully believe in me again and she is quite right to do so. She says put yourself in my position and I know that I wold be feeling the same.

All I can do now is to be honest, firstly to myself as from his honesty will spread to others. To be truthful and most importantly of all to walk past those bookies, their doors are open windows on the fifth floor, one step through and I will plummet to the ground.

Walk on together we shall, just for today, I will not gamble.

Paulds

Hi Paulds,

Firstly thank you so much for your post. Really touched me, and I can't believe you took your time to read through it..( long story told there 🙂 )

The reality is, i am trully taking this recovery seriously, and trying to get out of addiction's chains will all my strength. But another seious note - I couldn't do it by myself. And every and each soul walking the walk beside me, had input so much more strength and believe in my recovery. I learned so much so far, accept everything life throws at me, good and bad days, be honest with myself and find the person who was running from herself most ofher life. I am very greatful for this site and oopportunity to get my life back on track.

Now, back to you 🙂

Sorry I can carry on talking too much sometimes 🙂

I have to say you are doing brilliantly and are true inspiration. So really well done.

I do sense a little sadness and dissapointment in you too. But you are so right - we have to be honest with ourselves first to let that honesty spread around. Trust is very important thing, it is easy to to lose it ( one wrong step ) but ever so hard to gain it back. That's where day at a time comes in, patience and determination to make it work. Only this way, being honest with ourselves we can make those steps forward.

Never give up Paul, you are doing amazing and should be proud. The rest will follow my friend.

I wish you all the best for 2014, you deserve good things in your life, walk the walk my friend and take each day at a time. Little tiny bit of trust will be back in time, only you can prove it and I know you will. Recovery is bespoke and I wish you all the best 🙂

Thank you so much for your post again...and sorry for story here 🙂

Take care and keep going strong

Sandra x

Day 268 Gamble free

Thanks Sandra for your lovely post, this site never ceases to amaze me the people on it are incredibly supportive.

Yesterday I went to GA for the first time in a few months. I really need several types of treatment to cover all bases, there are some there who only use GA an have been going to 3 meetings a week for 20 years. I could never do this but it has obviously worked for them and I completely understand why they do it. I need someone to check my bank account each month, it is so childish and makes me think of when I was a child and wouldn't steal biscuits because mum would find out.

I also continue to need this site, my GA meeting is so busy that I don't always have the opportunity to speak. I need an outlet with people who understand. I may use my diary less and less these days but I read when I can and that really inspires me.

I have urges every day, isn't the brain daft. It forgets all the pain, heartache, financial meltdowns and emotional problems and just thinks hmmm yes it would be a good idea to bet on football today.

Hello? tock tock, concentrate!

Just for today I will not gamble, every year I used to say 'This will be my year' This is the first year that I have not, I never used to actually DO anything to try and make it my year just used to hope that the answers would fall from the sky in a gift wrapped box. Now I a say that TODAY will be my day, I can't handle a year, month or even week, just for today please that is all.

Fight on the good fight and stay safe and strong.

Paulds

Paulds

Fella a great post. one with such honesty and humility. One I relate to greatly, like you I need as many aids to help me fight this addiction as I can take.

There is no shame in that, the shame for me came when I dropped all those crutches and tried to walk alone. the result I went running back.

A long standing member of my GA room often is asked why he returns weekly after so many years abstinence.

his answer double edged.

He says 'well what if everyone decided to take this week off, they are ok and know they wont have a punt. What happens to the fella who walks through the door needing help like I did??'

Then he finishes with ' If the cost of recovery is two hours a week, then count me in!!'

For me both very true and very apt.

Keep taking it one day at a time, keep making a choice to WIN.

I Did win because I did stop.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Paulds,

Once again, very inspiring post and thank you for your thoughts on my wall 🙂

You are right, addiction changing into another addiction. I believe this site is a lot more helpful for us all than crappy gambling..( sorry for swearing )..It all depends on the circumstances we live in. Me, for exampke, I was struggling with my emotions most of my life ( as u see from recent posts ) but I come by this side, and hey...what a transformation. I will be thankful for you all dear fighters on here, recovery is trully bespoke and I learned so much on the way. We have good days and bad days, I will not stop bad days to enter my lufe ( it is normality after all ) but I sure take it with calmer manner, and give myself some breathing space.

I met many people here, who I can honestly say picked me up number of times. I shared my life story, it is all there in my diary. Maybe I did wrong, but at the end of the day it was immense help to put it all down and I don't regret it.

I am sorry to hear you are having a bit tough time with urges and all that, very sneaky addiction always ready to pounce on us...but you, as me, are a fighter and will fight your way through it. GA sounds like great help, I never had one..( Jeez, I think they would soon get rid of me couse of my moods lol ) but at the minute I shall stick by this site. Step back, then it's needed, and take it easy each day.

I had very bad start for the beginning of this year, but really believe it will improve by each day. I am the one to make changes, and I will give my very best to make it all work.

Honour and strength tobyou my friend. Hope to see you around now and again.

Take care

Day at a time

Sandra xx

Urges/temptation unfortunately will always be there but for 270+ days you have made the right choices and should be so proud of that fact. It's a little late but merry Christmas and happy new year to ya. Hope 2014 is a good one for ya. Saw your post on my diary mentioning the fact that are diaries are 2 years old - that's mental - where has 2 years gone? Great tho really shows we know the right choices, shows we know that we have to do this, have to stick at it and we will get there - we are getting there. Well done mate on your continued success it's been great having your support and encouragement over the past 2 years and thank you for that and let's keep striving forward!! Take care mate.

Day 287 gamble free

Thanks so much guys for the heartfelt posts, they have helped so much, I will catch up on the diaries soon.

Feeling quite down at the moment and have strong urges every day, even listening to the tennis all I can think of is, I would have won a fortune if I had gambled on that game, that set, even each point.... But I can't and I wont because as a CG I can't win because I can't stop.

That is the simple truth and I have to keep it simple because I am simple. I have to blow myself a kiss to keep a check on reality.

Keep

It

Simple

Stupid

Paulds

Day 300 gamble free

705 days until debt free counting down from 1460

Ticking along with no particular place to go. The more I think about it the less I think this is a journey we are on as CG. Journeys tend to have an end. This for me is taking one step at a time and each step is a day. Each day has its own pitfalls and open windows ready to jump through...nothing to do except keep on passing them..

Paulds

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qolUC13bwMc

One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

take care

blondie x

Day 309 gamble free

696 days until debt free

Thanks Blondie, it is all about the climb!

Really had an urge to gamble today, miserable weather, work is tough, not feeling great, went into the bookies watched two races and left. So dangerous I know, so stupid, so tempting, evidence if I needed any more that this will never leave me... Just for today I will not gamble, that is all I can do, tomorrow is another fight.

Paulds