Diary of a familiar tale

Day 42,

Fight, fight, fight that is all, got to keep going, got to stay positive, this addiction isn't going to give me a day off, got to keep it simple.

Paulds

Hi Paulds my old friend. Thank you for your post. Yes you're right. Gambling is just one of my many addictions I fall foul to. An addictive personality is something that's very difficult to live with. It's also very difficult for people to understand so relationships are not easily maintained. Also why we on Gamcare understand each other so well. So many things in common. I think my last partner also had one. My god, there were some fireworks there lol. As for you my mate with the great music taste. I have always admired your perseverance. If you slip you try again for another fight. I think that's all we can do. Keep bouncing back and eventually it might just give up on us. You can't change who you are but you can change what you do! You are 10 days in front of me today. Let us maintain that. If you want to talk privately ever then I will happily give you my number or email address. Just like I did with a few a couple of years ago. Take care pal. Xx

Hi Paulds,

Thank you for your lovely message on my diary.

46 days today 4 days off that big milestone, keep fighting and keep winning, and stay strong.

Well done and take care

Suzanne xx

Hello my friend.

Long time no hear. I hope all is well with you. It's good to talk. Speak soon.

Ian

Still here and still fighting, never going to give up.
Currently 195 days gamble free. Every day is now a blessing, only thinking about tomorrow and day 196. Just have to get through today nothing else.
Haven't kept up with my diary which contributed to my downfall. Life is not good but when I lie in bed at night a smile returns to my face as it means I have come through another day.

Paulds

Day 207 gamble free.

Those days where your life seems to have no meaning, everything is lost, I am wasting away. And yet I lie in bed and smile because despite the mess i have not gambled and that makes me smile.
Urges are strong but I am stronger, I am never going to give up.

Day 210

I am never going to give up. My only aim is to get through today gamble free, that is all.
Thoughts race through my head on what I could have won, I knew that match was going to be a draw, I knew that they would come from behind and win...
Yet none of this matters because once I start I cant stop. One bet and the devil re-enters my life, one bet and I throw away all I have tried hard to preserve. I am one bet, one second from disaster, I have to learn to live with this as it will always be true....
Stay safe and strong
Paulds

Day 211 gamble free.

It doesn't matter whether this is day 1 or 1001, I am one step away from disaster. I have to keep positive and work on doing the best I can at everything.
That is all.
Paulds

Day 215 gamble Free.

Today I will not gamble, that is my aim.

I have destroyed the trust in our relationship, suspicion anger and fear. All emotions that she goes through because of the wrong decisions I have taken in the past.

Only time will tell, I just have to keep walking past those open windows.

Thankfully I am in a place with no bookies. All that I gambled was my fault, I never blame anyone else but by golly those places and those machines are helping to kill our highstreets and ruin families.

Staying upbeat! Just for today i will not gamble.

Paulds

Day 219 gamble Free.

No longer desperately chalking off the days because there is no end, no final destination, it is a journey of recovery with no time limit.
I have learnt that I am not strong enough to go through the rest of my life gamble free, it seems like i am facing an imposibly tall mountain with inadequate footwear.
But i can take one step...that is all , just for today i won't gamble no need to face the whole mountain today, just one step.
Paulds

Day 223 gamble free

Another day, another dollar (not thrown down the fobt drain of hell)

Still impatient, still chasing thrills that take us away from reality. I have to keep taking the right decisions every day, well not every day , just today. Tomorrow is a battle i will face when I wake up.
I am never going to give up. It doesnt matter what life throws at me. I now feel strong enough to live with the gambling demon. I will never squash him, he will never go away, but I do have control over him. He is currently locked up under the stairs and I have thrown the key away so he isnt coming out anytime soon.

I remember someone at GA saying that stopping gambling is easy, it is staying stopped that is the problem!

Stay stopped today everyone.
Paulds
.

Hi Paul

i have a cat called Schrodinger. Here's to hoping I never listen to their advice again

Been a while since your last post, everything alright?

I have resurrected my diary as the fight begins again. For the past 18months I have been unable to go any lengthy period of time without gambling to horrendous circumstances. I am broken mentally physically and financially, I am on my knees and am desperate to survive.

Reading back through my diary I had put together lengthy stretches of abstinence with blocks in place and this is my only help. I had planned to be debt free by now and was counting off the days before it all imploded. I went to having debts of 35k down to just 4K before the horrifying spiral began. Credit card after credit card, loan after loan maximum overdraft, a familiar story. Now 35K in debt with crippling payments. I know it is not always healthy to talk about numbers but it is mind blowingly stupid actions that got me here and it is time to face the truth. I cannot make the repayments each month so genuinely do not know what will happen. All that I know is that stopping gambling is the only thing to do right now, it is my only option.

I have killed my past and am slowly strangling my future. This is a hell I want to leave, I did it for long periods before, I can do it again. It is the only hopeful light I am hanging on to.

I will catch up with the old and new diaries over the next few days and take it one day at a time. Today I will not gamble, that is all. I must stay safe and strong.

Paulds

Good afternoon Paulds,

You can do it you have done it before and we can do it again, not sure what advise to give as you have seen it all before. YOu are in the right place only thing to do is stop gambling put all the blocks in place hand over finances.

Stay Strong Stay G/f

Malc

Day 2 gamble free

1459 days until debt free

I am going to count down again from 4 years, it worked before until I had paid off so much debt so I am going to try again. I have no idea how to make immediate payments but I will have to speak to the bank to explain. Month by month I hope things will improve, only staying gamble free will help. I will take it day by day, my only thought today is to stay gamble free until tomorrow, I will deal with tomorrow when that comes.

Thanks Malkie for your advice, I have closed my online account which I had opened after I barred myself for 4 years. I don't cure have money to gamble so no temptation at the moment at least.

Stay safe and strong

Paulds