Diary of Nick- Day 1

So Here I am 36 years old sat in my house all alone contemplating how to finally kick this disease, The reason for me being sat on my own is this illness has pushed away my ex wife and 2 young children who I dont get the pleasure of seeing grow up on a daily basis, you would think that alone would be enough encouragement to give up this awful addiction but no so, within a week of me moving out of my ex house I was back in the bookmakers looking for some more pain in my life, I've discovered that iun my twenty years as a comulsive gambler, that gambling feels no pity towards us, when we are at our lowest it sees an opportunity to step in and make everything much worse then we ever though possible, it doesnt discriminate on age,race or academic prowess if you let it in it will try and destroy your life, inch by inch bet by bet pound by pound. I cant remember why I started gambling I always recall being fascinated by the flashing lights on fruit machines and as soon as I was old enough I started playing them, this led to horse racing/greyhound racing, which in turn led to anything you can Physically bet on to get the adreniline pumping, Ive used to think oh its Ok by the time I am 30 I will of given up which then moved to 32 then 35 and now my magic age where I am sure I will be magically healed is 40, its a horrendous theory that I honestly believe one day a magic angel is going to come down and make these urges go away but I guess that the make believe world of the gambler that we believe these things can happen as we believe the next bet is the one where our luck begins to change. The baffling thing for me is the mist that gathers when you aren thinking of being in action, nothing else matters, I like to think that I am a intelligent bloke and indeed in my job a huge part of what I do is analysing situations and making informed decisions, and I can quiteeasily sit here now and analyse the situation and say Nick....you are being stupid gambling but when the switch goes in my head, theres no logiv theres only action and as much action as possible, everything else is insufficient. I'd like to see myself in the bookmakes someday and see what a mess I look, Rushing up to the counter everytwo minutes to Bet on anything thats running including my new latest craze cartoon racing or virtual as the bookmakers call it, surely this is the bottom of the pit for a compulsive gambler, pinning my hopes on a virtual horse or dog to get me out of jail... Ive tried quitting several times I have done, GA, 1-2-1 counselling and hypnotherapy but still I persist with full throttle into self destruction. The main feedback from the counselling I received is that the compulsive gamblers brain is wired slightly different to casual gamblers and the dopamine released causes us not even to gamble for money but the thrill of gambling on a outcome. I would take a normal brain anyday, I am now currenlty around 2 weeks into my recovery and am self excluded from all online bookmakers and also from the closest 30 high street bookmakers to my house so If I want to bet I have to make a real conscious effort to drive 25 miles to go to a bookmaker, this is helping, its not perfect and I think about gambling a lot but its a start. I am inspired by so many recovery stories on this site and will keep uodating with progress(although not war and peace like this) I pray that this time I can conquer this god awful illness and enjoy the second part of my life without this hanging over me...

Nick, 36 compulsiv gambler