Dormant

Holly cr** 25k? that would have me crying big fricken tears and shi-tting meself. Guess we all know what not to do and try to fix it the quick fix way. Hell ild be drowning me sorrows in vats of beer about now and am. Feel for ya and yeah where theres that will theres a way out of anything. Head up and feet forward we go.

Thankyou Soul, D/f and oor Rach.

Feel like running everyday, whether it to gambling, drinking or flying off into the sunset. But know i have to face it. Sick of the '' if it doesnt kill, it'll make you stronger '', what a load of bollx that is.

Yep, starting the day with the ranging hump. Really cant be bothered with the BS of work with the different varietys of snakes. Cant be fooooked with the insecurity's. The 1 bad apple is sooo true. So want a break from it! If im not thinking about work, im thinking about tax. I get a glimmer of a dream and crash bang, back to thinking about the tax. My head swirls, looking for a glimmer but always hitting the lights out... Confused and p*s-sed off..

Vr o o oo o m

Hey V

I know that feeling of your life being affected and altered by the actions of A.N, Other party.

Some days you can be accepting and others just furious and thinking what's the point trying any more...as you see your hopes and dreams go down the pan.

I guess all we can do is change our dreams? ...I am and have been also guilty of perusing a fixed goals in the form of "at my age I should be XYZ" ....

The anger for me comes because I see my goals as being pretty simple and basic yet they are still threatened every day ..a roof over my head . The stuff that other people seem to have for free or take for granted.

The family / child thing now is totally not even in the dream as I feel terrific anger seeing people take that for granted and then treating their kids like accessories.

For folks who may not understand the see saw of extreme emotions dealing with stuff like this I only have 5 words to say "they haven't lost enough yet"

I'm not sure it does make you stronger...I think it makes you seriously doubt justice and feel resentful and less inclined to mix with people and isolate as why would anyone want to put themselves amongst people who have it all, don't seem to appreciate it and still behave like total toss pots because they want "more"? It's masochsitic .

This is why I stick around here because most people do understand that as they have lost ..and in some cases it all.

I will be honest ..Somedays I still read posts on here and think ..big whoop ..is that ALL you've lost...and you still have your other half,house and kids and money in the bank...so i think " go live a few lifetimes and then come back and talk to me as an equal" ....and I'm not even the addict FFS! Imagine the injustice I feel...

I used to blow a gasket when I saw time - location- boredom...as I used to think its not enough reason to totally slam another's life into a f*****g wall....I have physically smashed things up in reading that ...

Its hard somedays to see what lesson I have to learn from all this but keeping the faith in some bigger picture is what keeps me going...

Who knows V...? Maybe my hopes and dreams and visions for myself as being safe with roses round the door are too limited for what the ol' HP has in store for me? ? ...maybe all this loss is an extreme way to shunt me on another more life fulfilling path lest I waste my life grazing in rural Cheshire....??? ....seriously I even started thinking about retirement apartments yesterday and dreaming as you can sign up at 55....that's like only 9 years to kill until a safe haven with a gym aswell and cooked meals.

I'm using the myself as an example here but really I'm asking you the same questions...and now running for cover, xx

R and D xx

Ps ..feel free to quote this back to me if I loose it all and then run for cover...x

Paul.

Fella when I read your post's they are like I'm casting my thoughts back 18 month's.

Sometimes it's good to run fella, in a wierd way it re-energizes us.

but to keep running the wrong way is futile, the if's, buts and maybe's catch you up dont they?? well they did me.

I read here once, written by someone much wiser than myself

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

there's alot to be found in that, maybe it's time to change the ride??

Just throwing it out there my friend, as we both know there is one thing worse than killing something, its neglecting it,whether it needs feeding,nursing or amputating only we can decide how to stop the rot setting in.

With honour

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Oh ya aint gotta tell me about that glimmer of hope. Sh-it sat in hopes of finding it so long, aint nothing but a power outage lining my black out that I see back at me in return. Lol lol lol yeah

Yup yup yup what rhymes with hug me? Lol lol lol

Hope you havent vrooomed too far away from us all.

xxx

Well thanks for the hamburger clip. Them burgers I created look way scarier than the big kahuna burger. Lol

I'll be joining you with a cold one later when I fire up that grill. Had quite a few of them yesterday and feeling a bit slow today. Lol

Glad were both gamble free and making progress there.

Heat sizzling my brain and wrote in my diary instead of yours. Doh

Cumbrian dictionary - helpful on trips to the old place - 1.(noun. hor-nee) Policeman. e.g. Sometimes whenyer git caught playin' hikey dikey, ole gadgees'll git the 'orneys = It is possible that when caught playing 'hikey dikey' you may attract the attention of the law.

Have fun

xxx

On reserve

Empty.

http://youtu.be/CySYwZNH65I

Well hope things are smoothing themselves out on your end. Times get tough but im kinda old and tougher than that sacred cow slab of meat. Lol lol lol yeah nothing ya can bite into and something only a dog would wanna naw a pond. Yup we toughen up as the years go by like it or not.

Day Zero.

Read back on this diary and seeing i'm on a 3 week cycle. Looking back to early today and subconsciously knew i'd be doing the walk of shame, just didnt realise 4 times. Why? why the f***k am i doing this?

Worse thing is, despite trying my hardest, i didnt lose today. Or more to the point, I did lose. Lost that little more of self respect.

Gambling to me is the ultimate numb out, tried this morning to use my red, amber and green to mask my numbness., yet failed miserably and just lined my self up to another few days come down. w*f, is that about? I use the red as downer, the green as a leveller and the amber to take the edge of. Feel completely trapped, yet i dont do f****k all to release myself.

I never got ' nothing changes, if nothing changes ' yet really i'm scared of change. I dread being a grumpy old man, stewing over my beer, spewing ' what if ' and poor, poor me to any one who'll listen.

I'm scared of facing me and moving on. I hate my broken record and deep down knowing in 3 weeks time, i'm going to be back, expecting support but having nothing in my locker to return the support.

I see this site as the Travelling Wilbury's, a happy accident. I so want to be a Wilbury, yet i hide in the toilet without a ticket and expect to be delivered to my destination. I feel a fraud.

I'm in a rut, yet, what the f***k am i doing to get out. f****k All. I know what i need to do, yet, i dont know how. Things are right in front of my nose, yet i'm foooking blind.

I need a aim, i need to get off my ar-se. Somebody said to me during the week if there was a room of a 100 people and only 3 ar-se holes thn i'd probably upset all of them, just to get to the three. Whats that about? Am i deludedly admitting thats how i feel about myself. I take things personal, w*f and more importantly who the f***k am i to take things personal.

I started the week end down, yet i know deep down i'll come up again, so why the f****k do i feel the need to go through my traffic lights of adictions followed by the vroooooom of a foooking volcano.

I lower my head, not for understanding but for the fraud i am, whether its these diarys or life in general........

I need to hurt...

3 years and 3 weeks, since coming to these diarys. Over 90% abstinence, yet know i'm no different or made any progress since my earliest appearnace. All i did was stick a band aid, where it hurt!! Seem to resent people who are getting on whilst i remain frozen, would of thought i would of thawed in this hot climate.

Strive for an aim. Strive for self respect. Yet i dont do any work to achieve it.

Have a abundance of dark thoughts. Pulling the trigger to my sniper rifle to unsuspecting targets. Kidnapping and urinating over the she devil of tax woman playing with my life. I have nothing to lose...

Never got the recovery versus recovered, now its slowly dawning on me....

Scared of giving Up