Dormant

Paul.

Fella the cycle of recovery is bespoke, you have to find a way that works for you.

Me i am in it for life, its unconditional. In return i actually don't want anything I took enough when i was at it.

Those walks of shame still live with me, I had many too many to count. Funny because addiction made me forget all too quickly the pain it caused. All too soon I convinced myself it would be different next time.

The ever decreasing circle. Eventually i took out the want to win I wanted to get it over with, each episode i would raise the stakes to feel less pain. Yet it's not about the money is it??

Addiction robbed my self esteem my belief in myself.

I would give this advice in three weeks time take the funds and gift it to something else, there is more pleasure to be had elsewhere.

The door revolves my friend just remember that.

With utmost respect and honour.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Reached out for support and you delivered Dunc's. Thankyou.

Agree recovery is bespoke and finding the combination that works foe me. I'm worried I do know the code and just scared to cr-ack it.

I've asked exsmokers, what made them give up 10000 times and 3 answers what reaccur are -

1. Got cancer.

2. Had a heart attack

3. Started loving life and thought whats the point?

Think its going to be 1 of the 1st 2 that will be my rock bottom on that score and thats how i feel with the life i lead. I fumble on invisibly and expect some miracle to happen.

I raised the stakes today, i went in with a plan. Been thinking past couple of weeks regarding the Ashes. As i took the 1st walk of shame, i consciously planned, 1 bet controlled, 1 random and 1 dose of the fbot. Foot over threshold, control out the window and a zombie willing the ball to hit a red.

Waiting in earnest for the door to revolve..

Paul

fella we share the same addiction.

Me i am a hopeless addict i fall head over heels for whatever comes my way.

Our difference, just a word, i put recovering before addict.

You will too.

My reward i just got to enjoy dusk over the h#ill overlooking the city i love for the right reasons today, and the whippets got to enjoy the rabbits!! Lol that's there addiction!!!

Try that for your addiction.

Life.

With honour i doff my sweaty fedora to you.

As for the cricket i wish we had the assuies ruthless streak.

We gave them an easy ride, not something they reciprocate!!!

Keep at it my friend the code will break.

Duncs proud to be side by side

stepping forward never back.

Hopeless addicts hai, your right Dunc's, do need to get recovering in front of addict. Need to drop my cockiness also, in the disrepect i show gambling and adictions on the whole.

Complacency drew me back into the gambling malarkey and sheer feeling of hopelessness got me entangled again.

Completely wired and on edge. Despite being completely out of my hands, shi-tting it with the tax hanging over me. Lost and controlled by foooking HMRC. Being fooooked for unpaid taxes for my worse gambling years of 07-10. Feels like i'm being punished for past stupidity. Cant run, trying to kid my brain but cant hide from the reality that for now atleast, i'm f****d!!!

I know i'll come out of it but now a double whammy to deal with, of how the f***k i'm going to pay and also the depths i go to numb out any feelings. Have to get something out of this and getting out of this environment is paramount to any recovery... 1st step

Shoot, a full moon and a hovering police helicopter lighting up the sky.....

Hi Volcano

Perhaps controlled gambling is the way forward for you?

Some people on this site feel bad that they do that and others will have strong opinions to the contrary but at the end of the day as Duncs says ..recovery is bespoke.

I was going to write that yesterday . Who knows? It could be he right way for you .

R and D x

Thanks ExD.

I know this site is about giving as well as recieving and the former is where i let my self down. Recovery is bespoke and controll doesnt come into the vocabulary of a compulsive gambler. Despite trying.

Advice is churned and stored. Had 2 plus years where i started to smile, see and breathe again. Thought abstinence was the only combination i required, i came short. Needed to maintain, needed an aim rather than walking aimlessly. Nearly got there, nearly made my 1st step in getting out of this smoke iv'e trapped my self in. Nearly, can do it again. Did set my self over 3 years ago a goal, started to lose patience, then Kapow, i find myself in this whirlwind of a cycle. Just when i think there's a shift, crash....

Hi volcano

Good to see u still around and that tells u something ur not just giving up and goin back , finding that balance what's right for u is the only way , recovery is bespoke and we all know this we are here to support not judge

I hope u find that balance

Castle2

Thanks castle.

Day 2.

Saddened and deeply ashamed. Thats it really, dont feel anything just completely deflated.

Willing it to pass yet worried it will be replaced by cockiness and the cycle continues. Need to keep and learn from the sorrow. Me, me, me

Embarking on new day. No gambling or drinking. Head down and quiet.

Hi V

Thing is , you broke the cycle before so if you look back as to what prompted that decision then maybe you won't have to recycle again?

As your cyber friend I offer my support in you finding the right path again , as your 3d pal I have to back off and let you find your own way which as we know is a big test of my own recovery.

Recovery is bespoke ...and one mans meat is another mans poison.

For me it's involved brutal tough love as thats how strong my will is to be involved in self defeating and self abusive situations.

It came to this otherwise i would have continued to make the same mistakes over and over which as we know is insanity.

This process has involved the shedding of old skins as I cannot go back to the person I once was.

For many on here a period of grief has to be gone through as you let the old Paul go. You can't go round it , over it,skip it, go under it ....you have to go through it and it is an emotional ride but one worth taking as you gain riches that have no price tag,

Thats why it's called a breakthrough ...not a breakdown...

"Pour me ,pour me ,pour me another" ....You're better than that Paul, don't waste more time thinking ..just take action and commit to not taking that first hit.

You can't think your way out of this one mate .

Keep posting

R and D xx

Ps have you joined that gym yet?

Ty ExD.

Day 3 i plod on too.

_______________________Thats about how i feel.

No thoughts, quiet and flat.

Hi Volcano

Just keep connected even if its just a few words like today....

"This too shall pass"

R and D xx

The smile will come again one day.

Sending a simple hug.

xxx

Thanks for that simple hug DF.

Use to think i was a hard ar-se builder who never needed a hug. But as like alot of things i was wrong on that count.

The recent theme seems to be wired during the week and flat at weekends. Seem to be vulnerable to the gambling bollx at weekends especially Sundays. On my toes.

Shame and Self respect, 2 of many things i struggle with....

_________________________Still Flat...For now!!

http://youtu.be/gJNqaWlsnXE

Would be nice for the star to stop....Need tying to a tree