Dormant

Sorry to have offended Paul, I am glad you are finding your way & figuring stuff out, I really am.

I was being cheeky to Pops & I should have put that on his diary.

Rabdom head on a train thoughts.

It's been an exhausting past couple of months, working on bizarre job in even more bizarre place, good experiences and bad experiences in equal measures, been to more meetings than I've missed and same goes for the weekly chats I have, where I go centre stage.

re(dis)covery a confusing voyage and deceiving sign posts, some times the path is wide and clear, sometimes large clouds appear and gets overgrown by dark forests, sometimes it's a tight rope, sometimes one stumbles and sometimes one falls. People tend to go at varying speeds, we addicts are impatient and tend to forget the path and voyage is unique to oneself, yet it's a beaten, challenging path.

I'm tired now and need a rest, I also feel quite sad, but not in a bad way. re(dis)covery worries me as never had faith in my perseverance, now I do sometimes but in equal measures sometimes I don't.

Sleep ahoy, need to get prepared for tomorrow's new contract. Failure to prepare, prepare to fail!

I hear you volcano.

Hard to have faith in my sporadic perseverance when I have a penchant for impatience.

Although, I would consider myself anxiously calm and even an unnervingly calming influence to others.

Good post, capturing the mixed-up, conflicting confusion of addiction.

We live in perpetual flux, it's very easy to get out of sync.

All the best with the new contract.

Knock 'em dead V.

Thanks for the song Paul. xx

Random Alert,

Im quite adept in beating myself up and going many a round of full on combat with myself and the low esteem always coming out with his arm raised high, albeit this being my ego. And then I/ we find/ seek re(dis)covery and our natural ingrained addict instincts then go in the ring with fighting our addiction ? Is that not absurd and futile ? It's hard to articulate but is addiction our very own unique natures way in dealing with uncomfortable emotions and helps in the form of a comfort blanket, so why fight something which was designed to help us cope ? Only thoughts, now sent into cyber space.

More thoughts, I had an uncomfortable evening last night. I spent to much time in my head thinking about someone and recognised this thought process, before they were of a spinning fobt wheel, now it's about someone I've met in the last couple of weeks. We talk lots, I enjoy it and have made a connection of sorts. But now thinking I need to pull away or put the brake on. Back to my meeting tomorrow and my chat Tuesday, maybe will hold them thoughts there.... focus on work Paul

Hey Paul

re first part of your post- yeah realising that our minds don't always know best, and that autopilot is often a dodgy drivetr - was a revelation for me.

Stuff like the self - defeating comfort blanket, can be explained with evolution. We've still got some evolving to go - we haven't quite got past the impulses of the fight/flight or red/green - getting triggered when it really necessary in today's generally safe world. Stuff that 'feels' good isn't necessarily good.

re second part of yr post. Natural defence mechanisms to stop being hurt? Maybe off, maybe not the place to chat. But maybe cutting off is another comfort blanket of sorts?

Louis

Life leech dressed as a comfort blanket? Almost, could be more snappy

Rambling random alert -

Went back to the meeting yesterday after a couple of weeks off being busy living. Kinda missed this 2 hour sit down, listening to kindred spirits who have taken a nosedive in life and are now slowly rebuilding. There is one chap who bugs me, but, I know that's my issue and what I need to work on. I never really gave GA a chance, but with this meeting more on drink and drug abuse, there's never really any talk of money. It was spoken about a previous member who has just lost his battle * against the drink and now no longer here. Somebody mentioned that they were told that in there re(dis)covery that they would need a good funeral suit as it will get pretty worn...

Not intending to be dark, in a relative good place, but shoot addictions can and will suck every drop of blood if you let it

* A fruitless unnecessary battle

Paul

As usual your support is inspiring, fella without doubt I will fall into the odd puddle, manhole and have some sh# t to wash down and more to stand in but I will do with great enthusiasm my friend.

Thanks for being there.

Duncs.

I'm starting to think this captcha thing is a farce for instance it said tick the car so i purposely didn't and here I am .

Anyway obviously you've been out the game a while but still being a siteman I believe? Can you believe the standard of today? When I started there was no cavity trays and such yet all of a sudden it's a dilemma if you miss one out . Also cleaning cavities what's that about? We literally have to point the work to within an inch of its life both sides. Last I checked all the previous thousand and odd houses I worked on are still standing. Another conundrum is I believe today's build quality is not that of days gone by reason being a bricklayer spends more time messing around with dam silver foil and insulation than they do actually grafting the bricks in. The above being the reason we only build footings these days. Obviously the same rules apply to us . But it's a tad disheartening when you top and tail and brush her down to be covered in 5 ft of soil and the cavities mass filled with concrete. A bit of a gamcare random on a Monday evening there. Strength and honour returned to yourself also

That bought a smile to my face Delano ( predictive text always throws that up, so new name ). With regards to catcha, possibly a illusion and there was a car after all. Your no robot. The brick layers remain the salt of the earth, apart from the odd pig, bricks and mortar stand for a long time, it's the rest that amuse me, hence the house may still be standing but the inhabitants are having a nightmare. Worked on first new build residential briefly on last project and was asked to sign confidentiality agreement and now understand why.....luckily this is a anonymous forum so I'm not breaking that agreement, but f**k did I see things I've never seen. Anyway Delano always in the game and do have a trowel/ bolster/hammer attachment to go with my hook

A dilemma alert.

Have been reading with various degrees of interest regarding transient addictions. It has been of interest for a while. There's been a somewhat shift in my life this year, a certain calmness and clear head. Diet improving, commitment to friends, meetings, therapy and all round life in general. Even becoming quite an amusing conversationist and meeting many a random person and putting smiles in faces, yet retaining my quietness that I like.

My dilemma is I somewhat enjoy my singledom, and quite happy in meeting random people, as well as my small circle of good friends. I've also became quite good at focussing with work and better at switching off when necessary, so my dilemma is regarding someone I've met. I like her as she's also got her priorities in order and that's her family but guessing like me that there's also a little space in the circle. But like last week, last night and waking up early this morning, my mind has gone to the place I want to leave behind. I obsessed about gambling and what number the ball would land in, then in re(dis)covery I started obsessing about money and now I'm having moments of obsessing about a person... Not good, albeit healthier.....I guess!! but not good. Did mention this amusing Portuguese lass in last meeting, was spoken about the possible switching of addictions but quickly dismissed. I'm back to my chats tonight, which no doubt will be a big part of conversation...

Was kinda hoping by putting this out there it will help of sorts in my head. Not sure, maybe will, maybe won't !!

Going of tangent now, but my best pal said something quite cool last evening, I'm planning a stay and trips to his contacts in Hungary to sort teeth out, not cosmetic but more on a health basis after years of smoking and fast diet/ not looking after my self. Told him about my meetings, he said a important part of the process in admitting that alls not hunky dory in front of others who admit the same. Agreed, it makes me feel human again and new friendships bonding with people who I would never meet in my normal circles from every walk of life I can think off...

I was chatting to a couple the other night when one of them , Epictetus I think was his name said ; " Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle.. Some things are within your control . And some things are not " . His friend going by the name of Eckhart Ttolle replied " Life is the dancer and you are the dance " . A third guy chirped in and said " Volcano knows wot makes him tick , a trowel n a well made brick . Passion can be portuguese , makes him tremble at the knees . "

Shoot, sounds like you keep some good company there Stephen the Abstainer, if it's ok with you but I would like to bestow that title to you as reward for your post that duly put a smile on my face.

Something on my mind and possibly a tapping thoughts into the box will join a dot. Have put the brakes on a tad with last dilemma, thinking, possibly over thinking on transient addictions. Have always lived a transient life style from day dot, being a Airforce brat and pretty much doing it ever since. Yet never really saw much as head in sand for big part of my life. Going off the beaten track here, but now over two months with out a gamble or a herbal cigarette, which is bye the bye. Thinking, again possibly over but what if I wasn't a addict, would I over think with regards to the beer intake I have, would I over think in regards to the new person I've recently met, am I just having normal healthy thoughts .A potential trap !! Still none the wiser and little confused ?

Up at 4. Mind a little spinning and need to process and slow down.

Not off on battle but need a little box time via Gamcare to try and process thoughts. Personal and a work issue I need to resolve. Understanding the body and mind axis as I feel a bit of anxiety. Had similar feeling this pass Saturday when sat in a meeting. To me honesty has to be a corner stone if proper re(dis)covery, but the most umprtant honesty is with myself. I'm learning patience, and trying to tell the difference between procrastination, a thing I've mastered...

Need to maybe resolve minor work issue, and let the life issue fly away into orbit.

Work is my escape at the moment, not ideal but a start. Need to refocus on work and back on myself... Wad doing well, the anxiety telling me that I'm slipping again.

Have built a good few days of non gambling, non doobying, non red wine. Grain intake better but can improve on that as well.

Self preservation starts with me

No man ever steps into the same river twice , for it's not the same river and he's not the same man ....... Heraclitus

Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them .... Einstein

Chill , be patient , honest too . Laugh and smile the whole day through ...... Abstainer

Your confused , misunderstood , life is empty , dull and dreary . I can fill the void with excitement ...... Gambling Addiction