A key word for me today - Focus
Your posts are v cryptic - are you in the middle of treatment for an oral health scare?
re the addictions, in my view there’s one way to address them but not so easy to physically get to meetings if you’re ill. But thinking and reflecting isn’t a substitute for turning over self will.
Wish you strength and assuming I have read your post correctly, I wish you as easy a time of it as is possible for you. Take care.
CW
Hello CW, thanks for the message. In truth I never ever intend to be cryptic or speak in ridddles, yet I’m quite aware that I do. I’ve seen over the years people use this forum in different ways, firstly for me I use it as an escape to will a way uncomfortable emotions. Hence I find myself talking about things pretty irrelevant but it helps me to focus on something and escape to something far less damaging to myself.
Yes, I’m receiving treatment for oral health, part hiredetary but mostly accelerated by my smoking. Albeit slipping quite alarmingly in my addiction(s), this is part of my personal MOT. My big challenge at the moment is my none existent diet with myself regurgitating any thing I try to eat and my cabin fever insomnia. Hai ho ....
I do have a dilemma though, I have been seeing someone for past few months. It started very intense, with bright shiny lights and fire works, then from out of no where I cooled it and completely threw her. Part of the reason was that it was too heavy but the biggest thing was that I was slipping back to my old ways. I was pretty much honest from the start and told her about my addictions and that I was seeing a therapist and also doing meetings. Then she threw me with a lot of the knowledge she had, and it turned out that she also in the past had attended GA and AA and pretty hard still on the latter, so this made me think, f***k will this be detrimental to my recovery getting involved with an addict in action.... I broke things up in early December and in truth missed her, hence saw her on and off. Now, I’m confused, is this the start of a pretty explosive toxic relationship or do I go with the flow ?
I have moved in the right direction with regards to attending the meetings I use to and also going back to the therapist I saw.
Anyway first day back at work and have to understand that I can’t reinvent the broken wheel of the job and controlling things
Over or deep thinking is the crazy driver at the moment.
I really get and want the bliss of ignorance. In my time on this forum there’s been many a argument on whether this behavioural addiction is an illness of sorts, a ingrained tool to avoid uncomfortable emotions. I’m aware that at this moment that I’m fighting the urge to gamble by letting my self to be defeated by transient addictions. I sit here in a somewhat money laundering pub listening to music and letting my fingers download my thoughts, letting them stay there I fear will push me beyond the line of madness. I am a very grey man, I’m old enough to remember the black and white TVs, and that’s the stage I sit on for the majority of my life but now I’m slowly switching to colour.
I’ve experienced one of the most emotional rollercoaster periods of my life in this past week. And I’m scared, I’m pushing boundaries that are completely alien to me, and I can’t do it alone. We’re defini not designed to be alone, the randomness of small talk is, in my book so very important. Today, to combat my thoughts have gone from sleep to music accompanied by beers , my therapy for today.
These are my thoughts, my facade would throw most, I’m a normal come across as decent chap, I’m fortunate to have been handed down some good ethics and I do mostly practice them in a natural way. I do have an element, to a quite high degree a lot of self doubt about my self and yet deny my self the proof in the pudding through life’s experiences and the friends I have is that I’m a good chap. I feel like I’m lowering the bridge to the moat of my life and this scares me, am I breaking through something or am I heading to commital.
Validation - that above I just let flow as I avoided thoughts and subconsciously listened to musically lyrics.
Disclaimer validation is it’s my diary, my rules, my vulnerability, my thoughts
Volcano the man in the mirror mark 2018
The intensity continues, the overbearing emotion of sadness and the unknown is very much alive. I’ve walked for miles down the river today, fleeting dark thoughts of running away into the comforting arms of addictions very much the forefront of my mind. It’s only a weekend but I so very much miss the company of work and that scares me as I know I should be enjoying my down time, yet my thoughts are unbearable. I really don’t know what to do, I’ve spoken to a lot of random people this week, it was good therapy. I also ramped up my game with work and started delivering what I know I’m capable of. I know full well that’s I can’t reflect and think my way to recovery, I know that I think too deep, this worries me but also I like to get lost in m thoughts when there at least tangible. To me, re(dis)covery has to be internal rather than the dreaming of external and thats also a complete worry for me. Patience is something I really struggle with, truth a complete b.itch. I am in the middle of a massive ‘ urge ‘ to escape and seek the 16, 32 or zero on a fobt and also in the knowledge that I carry with me the access to do that. I’ve reconnected with the therapist I was seeing last year, planned for alternative weekends to Saturday meetings that I enjoyed. I’ve never been one to let the tears flow but very capable of letting the eyes well up, but I know I need them tears to really feel and to heal, how do I do that ?
I will get there
Random thought alert - I’m always intrigued by some people I’ve met in my life who seem to have the balance. One particular chap who has the external b.s of the money but lives a life without the trappings off what we gamblers seem to look for. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow isn’t there, it’s not going to happen folks, that’s the gift I give to myself when I’m not in the zone of gambling
Volcano congratulations on 85 days gamble free.
Sorry to read that the addiction is battering on your door. Access to money, thoughts of numbers and fobts are a lethal combination. Please stay strong and just get through today.
Your early morning walk along the river reminded me of a Bob Dylan song I like "Watching the river flow" ~ If I had wings and I could fly, I know where I would go. But right now I'll just sit here so contentedly and watch the river flow. Sadly I have on many occasions walked by the river and been completely oblivious to my tranquil surroundings. Obsessive thoughts of gambling blocking out everything else.
In a recent post Changemylife commented that whilst in the compulsive gambling bubble we are unable to think in a rational way. Hang in there my friend and remember that tomorrow is another day.
Desiderata; Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
Your a nice man Stephen. I was never a day count man and forgot that I had it ticking by, I guess this morning if I kept it going it was really about 10 days and now it’s abput an hour. In truth, I needed an escape of zoning out and I know that I can’t articulate this but gambling helped me to zone out earlier. It’s a bu.gger when you can’t face upto life on life’s terms and use a behaviour, drink or substance as an aesthetic to calm but I do accept that. Abstaining and recovery is something within my ***, I know it is but more than anytime in my life I know that I need to continue both internally and externally
My thoughts are with you Volcano. At the moment you seem to be in a dark place and are not seeing things very clearly.
You are a genuine, caring man. I believe you deserve peace and contentment in your life. You work hard and try to do the right thing by others. Sometimes we are our own worse enemy and do not show ourselves the love and kindness that we need.
Take care my friend...stephen
Hai Stephen, again nice to see your name pop up. I’ve learned over the years that it’s only myself that puts my self in the dungeon, I’ve learned for my self at least that recovery is easier when you can feel some sort of pain but when things are good, complacency and arrogance can seep in and bang your right in the middle of the descent to your ‘ f***k it ‘ demonic mode ‘ . I’ve come a long way and I won’t deny myself that but I know my foundations that I had build wasn’t sturdy enough for the pressure I put upon them and need to re - design and fit more re-bar in the form of talking / meetings etc
To much reflection and thinking isn’t going to get me to the place I want to get to, I know that. But, I also like reflecting and learning from mistakes is good, I’ve learned this past week or so and that’s the actual meaning of the ‘ serenity prayer ‘ , I obviously New the words but could never figure out how thri could help me, now I do.
I found focus back at work last week and probably the first time in the past 5 months of this contract, I put myself out there and gave what I’ve got, rather than the just enough. Focus is very important, but compartmenting focus is hard as can get entwined, I can only really to the best of my ability do one thing at a time but possibly not articulated very well, have a number of projects on the go with getting balance between work and life.
Work is my therapy today as well as talking
I felt my head start dropping again round about October last year, was just prior to when I let gambling back into my life after my latest 6 month stint of abstinence. I put a wall up to woe me and found myself trying to force thoughts, i tried to push the balance of negative and positive. The therapist I was seeing pointed this out and commented on my head drop and they hadn’t actually actually seen this side of me, so even though I knew but I denied my thoughts as I was at that time a good bank of gamble days behind me.
I went through one of the hardest fight or flight battles I’ve ever been through resulting in a two week crash over Xmas, What with my heavy dental treatment, lack of food and sleep and probably the most damaging complete isolation.
It seems easier to deal with the rollercoaster of thought and isolation when you haven’t got anyone else to think about and this is a reason why I pushed a way someone that cared for me which was pretty reciprocated. ‘ fight or flight ‘ again. Fear and pleasure run through the same conduit and I tried to separate it and possibly repeating my self but I tried to force on feelings rather than live and breathe hard feelings. I’m quite a dry sense of humour chap, a deep thinker but likeable with the proof in the pudding eclectic group of friends I have. That was random ... Anyway, I’m now very much back with the person I was seeing, we’ve found a two way street and I’m feeling pretty good in that part of my life. I know that I can’t force my self to be happy, yet I know that I deserve to be and have done the leg work. I also know I need more armoury and understanding and I’m also aware that I managed to get my self out of the head funk by the knowledge I’ve accumulated from past adversity’s, and very much inclusive of my comfort blanket addictions.
Focus and balance today
Focus. Busy and balance -
My thoughts are for me but with Homer Simpson this morning .
I’m standing tall albeit with my head down. Life is good, life is S***e just like how the sun goes I guess so after all we are all one.
Thinking captcha is quite appropriate for this forum ‘ I am not a robot ‘ because when I’m in that zone I am a robot.
‘ To keep the sheep you have to feed the wolves ‘ Heard and liked that saying this morning as another thing I get the wrong round when I’m in the zone.
Everything back in place with regards to meetings and therapist. Tick, tick
My awakening with regards to work I’m enjoying, giving my best again and not really noticing the hours tick by but with a smile behind the focus. I was in quite a dark mood yesterday morning, it happens and this is something I need working on, I can’t push or isolate them feelings a way, I own them ....
Random battle charge to work as I focus on this box of Gamcare
The crash of the body and mind was going to inevitably happen and now it has as I very labouredly go to work. The adrenaline rush can only last so long as acting as an alternative to sleep and diet. My therapy and counselling are going to work on alternate weeks as I juggle work in between them. A hard buisness end to this contract for next couple of months but importantly I need to ensure that I look after myself and stick to my new routine before I resume treatment to my oral health in March. I’m finding it tough, but I need and will persevere. I’m worried and excited by the future in equal measures but the former spends time in my head space as never really had these health scares before. I’ve been pushing myself out there to the extreme in the past couple of weeks and very grateful to the mix of pals I have who have listened and laughed. I do feel, albeit gradually that for the past few months that I entered the eye of the storm and now slowly the ripples are turning to calm, another learning curve and hopefully more self awareness for when it happens again. Adversity is hard, very hard but can act as a gift when you break through it and make some kinda sense in what happened.
I’m I’ll, I’m tired, a little anxious and hungry despite not wanting to eat but I will have a good day, I deserve it and won’t deny myself it.
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