Dormant

Shooot, this train is slow ! Had a 2 nd wind at work and achieved as much as I could with the resources at my disposal.

Have some flue like symptoms going on at the moment, not sure whether crash from what’s been going on or this flue I’ve been reading about as I cough like a frogdog with dark droopy eyes and a hundred daggers in my back. I did have fleeting thoughts of a gamble as I wondered a round victoria, hai ho, I didn’t and I won’t on my arrival.

Still a very much lobbyist that to hate the big bad industry and also to dwell on the money lost is futile to tackle this rather mind boggling disturbing addiction.

Addiction is a blinker, it’s stops you seeing what’s around you, it’s pushing water up hill, recovery can sometimes feel like rounding up a herd of cats when you fall into the trap of thinking that you gambled to win money, a better life. It’s hard, very hard to change but despite my many falls, I’ve changed and am a changing man

Another very random thought.

Coming from a post regarding doubt. It can be healthy but it can also flip, it can be like crystal clear water with mud at the bottom and when you drop more mud in, it becomes cloudy and murky but eventually it becomes crystal clear again. Hence a natural human reaction/ emotion

Morning Volcano. Thankyou for posting on my diary.

You may like the 5 Rhythm Dancing. Not everyone's cup of tea but there again what is ? I believe music, singing and dancing is in the genes but maybe nowadays we're a little self conscious and too reserved. I imagine Witchhunts & The Spanish Inquisition encouraged people to keep their heads down and not do anything too controversial.

I wouldn't normally tell people what to do, but on this occasion I will put my twopenneth in xxx DON'T SMOKE xxx. It really is horrible when your struggling to breathe because of damage to the lungs.

Enjoyed listening to " Imagine Dragons." I particularly identified with the song " Rise Up." Liked the chorus; "I would always open up the door ~ Always looking up at higher floors ~ Wanna see it all give me more ~ I was always up for making changes ~ Walking down the street meeting strangers ~ Flipping through my life turning pages."

Take care. Wishing you well. Stephen

That’s a good twopenneth worth Stephen and I know your so right.

I was on a course yesterday, finished early and some quite overwhelming thoughts of a sneaky bet, just back from town, a little focused on some private jobs I need to do and low and behold the same sneaky gambling thoughts came back. Life is ok, I do have uncomfortable thoughts and emotions but I seem to be living and breathing them well and saying begone when I know that there going against the universe type thoughts. I’m thinking my gambling thoughts is a worry I seem to be denying myself regarding my health. Need to man up and face it, may be nothing but it is a nag.

Anyway, back to meeting this avo, has been a while and I’m kinda looking forward to it. This evening I head into Soho to see my oldest school friend play in celebrate of Burns night, going with a good friend and expecting a good night.

That’s it really but enough

Hey Paul,

Sounds like a good plan. Surround yourself with good people and you will get goodness and light. Maybe not sunshine and roses but I will take it eh? I get those needling little thoughts too but it's nice when the monkey part of my brain isn't in charge of the decision making. For now at least. Good seeing you out and about!

Wishing you an enjoyable evening with friends, celebrating the life of Robert Burns.

What an amazing talent that man had, for his work to be fondly remembered so far on into the future. Centuries may have passed, people have come and gone, but human nature hasn't really changed. The following quote from Mr Burns could be seen as relevant to our current battles with gambling addiction.

"Firmness is enduring and exertion is a character I wish to possess. I have always despised the whining yelp of complaint and cowardly resolve" ...Robert Burns.

I am also moved by the words of your compatriot Spock. A renowned Vulcan who campaigned for logic and reason from his contemporaries, sadly these are qualities which seem to be lacking amongst us compulsive gamblers.

"One can reshape the landscape with a single flower" ...Spock.

What I take away from this post is that change is possible from small beginnings, courage and little steps in the right direction.

Thanks for commenting on my diary really appreciate it

Thanks Boro and Stephen and Joan,

Went back to a meeting earlier, wasn’t any shake in my bone shares, but seeing and hearing people who are doing well and tackling there conditions well. A big thing for me is just learning to listen and also patience and at these meetings I feel. Cool !

Now heading to London, has been fairly busy day and did have them sneaky thoughts of blowing the evening out. Don’t like them thoughts as I know will be a good evening, but did go through the isolation thought , begone them thoughts ..

So, it’s all Good

On the train running late after seeing Drs for giving up smoking. Like most things in life, I have to realise that despite I need to do it by myself but I also can’t do it alone.

From my return to last saturdays meeting there’s one thing that stood out and that was a share from a old chap, who despite a long time now in abstinence but was returning as it was a vulnerable time of the year for him due to sad anniversaries, something that stood out was how his smile hit his eyes. He was asked at the end to say one thing to anyone just starting out in recovery and that was ‘ you can’t do it alone ‘

I have a dilemma going on at the moment and I’m hoping for possibly the first time I’ve been on these diary’s that someone will give there slant on things and even a tough love which I possibly might / might not listen to. I’ve been in a some what quite intense relationship since August, we’ve had some major up and downs, mostly caused by me as I pushed her a way. From the outset we’ve had an amazing honesty and she has her demons, just as I have mine. She shared some thing in our early days regarding a experience from her young years, she’d picked up something I had said and realised that we had a common connection. I know the rules that you can only help yourself and I care for her, but I’m also wary about destabilising my recovery. I don’t want to make ultimatums to her, she has reached out and I’ve seen the vulnerabilities of this strong intelligent woman. But I know I can’t fix her ..... confused ?? Go with the flow ? I deserve happiness ?

A vulnerable confused Paul reaching out to this box of Gamcare

Paul.
Fella is this the time for that leap of faith.surely the same rules apply for both of you, neither can fix another without the commitment from within.
You write with humility, you are considerate, you have empathy so with that keep being honest.
It goes a long way, it gives foundations.
With strength and honour.
Duncs.

Hi Paul, long time no see eh? But I couldn’t ignore a vulnerable Paul reaching out. I guess my question is “what’s your question?”. What are you asking for help with? Is it a straightforward shall I stay or shall I go? Hard for anyone to give you an answer to that my friend. You say you don’t want to give her ultimatums. What type of ultimatum? What are you asking of her? What’s your gut telling you to do?

Duncan your right, I’m over thinking this.

LB, so very chuffed to hear from you. This is all very alien to me, i want to be sure that this isn’t some transient addiction and I was being obsessed with a person rather than a punt. But, deep down I know I’m not, this new relationship is more important than I ever realised possible for myself. But, I’m also aware that I’m operating well in other parts of my life and not getting to carried a way. My question was can two people who have there demons be healthy ? I think as from Duncs post that we can but we need a complete honesty which I believe we have. She has reached out and admitted that she’s wary of her drink intake, ultimatum possibly not the right word but I’m wary that we could embark on a relationship based a round drink, but my gut says to stop worrying and to go with the flow . I have been in re(dis)covery for a long time and I’ve switched whether re(dis)covery is easier a lone or when in your in a partnership, we know there’s a element of selfishness both in recovery and addiction, but I do like the thought that I’m now doing the recovery not just for my self .......

A real ramble there but the moral is honesty and respect are major foundations of any relationship along with many other fingers and it all seems to be falling into place....

Anyway LB, thanks for popping up, I did actually think about you yesterday as I dug for a post from Louis that resonated with me in my present confusion. Would be great to hear how you are getting on ....

Paul.
My dear friend there are many moments in a life where the old
Coulda woulda shoulda
Analogy can be applied and I would apply that more over to someone who has fed addiction.
I may be barking up the wrong tree but is it failure that you fear most??
Because I view that in the regard that surely if you don't try you fail before you begin.
That old better to have loved and lost than not loved at all??

I miss Louis, in fact I miss a great deal of the folk who have passed through the doors here.
I will never forget a single one of them because even if I didn't see it at the time they all contributed to where I am today.
Sorry to ramble fella.
Hey better than to gamble!!!

Duncs.

Hello Duncs,

Again thanks, no, your not barking up the wrong tree and what you said was very similar to what Louis said to me in a post a while back. Then, I dismissed the thought of fear, of being guarded and using pushing as a safety mechanism just like how I use addictions. Now, I get it and will go with the flow. I have a small group of very strong, charismatic friends who I’ve shared my vulnerabilities in the past month, I’ve let them see a side of me that most have never really seen before and it made me understand more that we’re all pretty much the same with our fears, emotions etc . Now, that was cool, I’m not a fan of being on a journey but we are definitely on a trip of sorts and addiction is the bad lsd like trip, where the colours fade and the darkness descends. So the more I learn, see and understand addictions the more I realise that albeit slyly its a challenge of sorts to heal us and the aftermath of the roller coast of emotions is just the continuation where we need to hang on very tightly and learn to harness them.

A real business manic part of the contract I’m on at the moment, my head is pretty clear and able to compartmentalise the ever increasing f***k ups or jobs a head. Lots of stress flying a round and without the cloud of addiction I’m handling it pretty well. But, did in a fairly calm way pull my boss up with a comment he made yesterday regarding being late due to my Drs app, and then realised by the avo, that really it was me being over sensitive and he was just showing his stress but in his usual calm manner. Another reinforcement that we are all the same animals.

It’s all good and even when it’s bad the cycle will revolve.

Random -

It is cathartic to write in this little box. Now, a thought has just popped into my head, but whether it’s gambling or a person, does a GA become addicted to the chase ? ie lose, lose chase Vs push, push chase........ woulda, coulda shoulda