Dormant

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Morning. To me the fact that you're thinking so deeply about this relationship and whether it will affect your recovery shows how far you've come. That your recovery is that important to you. That's got to be a good thing. You're very self aware Paul. I think it's great that you've shown a more vulnerable part of yourself to your friends. For me, that's been so important. To show the sides of myself that I didn't like, to take a risk and open myself up. To face the fear of being judged or rejected. To take a deep breath and just be me, and wait and see what the reaction was. And you know, it's always been ok. As you've also found. Because we're good, decent people who maybe don't always see ourselves the way other people see us. And as we do it more often, drop the maks and become real, it gets easier. And slowly we become our real selves more and more of the time. Which is a huge weight lifted, and life just gets easier. Did you ever watch the Brenee Brown TED talk?

Anyway, this lovely woman of yours. I can see the dilemma. If you can both be totally honest with yourselves and each other, then I can see that it could work. Yes, there are inherent dangers if you are both addicts, but you're aware of what they are. In some ways I can see that being with someone who really gets addiction (an addict themselves) might make recovery easier. It's not like me talking to Mr. LB, who just cannot get it (however hard he tries to use his imagination). You'll also have a heads up on the BS that we can come out with. Do you have to be selfish in recovery? Maybe single minded might be a better way of looking at it. Focused, determined...but they all allow for relationship. I'm not sure you can have recovery without connectedness and relationship. Many moons ago I remember thinking about you and wanting to write that you needed the love of a good woman. I stopped myself, as it didn't seem appropriate and certainly none of my business! Can't remember why now. I think it was connected to how you talked about your ex. I had the sense of the "one who got away" of the loss of a true love of yours. I never knew the circumstances (and I'm not asking now) but I kinda felt that at some point wouldn't it be great if you found someone. Not that we can't be complete on our own...far from it...but there is something to be said for being in an equal partnership.Maybe I'm just an old fashioned romantic, but there is something to be said for love and loving.

And as for the chase. Hmmm. Or do we just do it to get lost? In any part of the cycle there's immersion in something else. Something other than what is now. If you're pushing away (something you've talked about before) that would be a great thing to talk through with the therapist. Duncs asked are you afraid of failure? I'd simply ask what are you afraid of?

And as you asked, things are going really well for me. Calm, contented, mostly peaceful. Life feels balanced. At some point, I'll get my finger out for a diary update 🙂

 
Posted : 24th January 2018 10:34 am
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What a fantastic post there LB, your a very thoughtful nice person and feel quite honoured that you took time out to write that.

Joan, I did read your post on your diary, thanks and I think you’ve hit the nail right bang middle on its head. Despite these recent diary postings not really being about gambling, there very relevant to me with regard to addictions and the possible danger when two finely tuned functioning addicts get to together. A possible collision of chaos, the past 5/6 months has been full on chaotic, I did hang in the best I could untill I eventually sank back into the arms of gambling which is 20 days now since I’ve had a bet. I’m well aware of this cycle I’m on at the moment, which Also includes the push - pull cycle of relationships. Gut feeling and instinct has been clouded by addictions and now I really don’t trust myself for rash decisions, so now feel a little bit of in limbo. It’s all about me Hai.

Agreed LB you can be complete on your own and in truth I quite like the solitude and can get worn out in 24/7 company. Is that selfish ? Am I capable of compromise, is this transient ? Is my cycle just continuing but longer In between the mahem ? Mmmmm possibly ?

LB, I’m afraid of not really knowing my mind well enough to get into a relationship and destabilise my re(dis)covery coupled with being afraid of losing my focus of reaching the destination of a simple life

A confused ramble to start my day

 
Posted : 27th January 2018 6:50 am
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I, in a daft way picked a horse out yesterday that was running in today’s big race and spent the majority of the day ‘ do I, don’t I ? ‘ I never did but none the less quite a debate going on in my head and ended up passing on my fancy to a friend as a compromise to ease my thoughts. Madness really but guessing that’s where the thin line is. In a random way, I kinda know how close madness can be with my phantom limb and how I have to combat my mind and not think to closely about it when it’s playing up.

Went out with old work bunch yesterday, only know 2/3 people out of the 15 or so who was there. Listened to the bi.tching going on and didn’t really enjoy the frequency of one particular chap and felt very uncomfortable so quickly removed myself from there . I can be fairly sociable and seem to be approving as I get older but I can also be very socially awkward where I learned my skill of the grey man with which having no anxiety last night but did make my self invisible. It’s amusing how us addicts when we’re in action think that we’re invisible when in fact we are very transparent...

Ramble

 
Posted : 27th January 2018 4:18 pm
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Having fleeting thoughts of a footie bet today. Have been hemiraging money of late with one bill after another and possibly that’s where this deluded thought has come from ? Who knows ?

Anyway will just need to ride the waves until 2 and then drag myself to my Saturday meeting. In work tomorrow, it’s ramped up and happy with my demeanour and seem to be taking things in my stride, cool !

I use to phych myself into a mood this time of the year but realised I can be a miserable f***k anytime of the year. Yay, a revelation !

Rambling on and realising that we are all one .......

 
Posted : 3rd February 2018 12:44 pm
judy
 judy
(@judy)
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Hi Paul,

I feel like I'm in a similar head space. Back in the day when booze was my nemesis, I remember reading something about "romancing the drink". I guess today, its maybe about romancing the punt. Not good. The initial thought is just that. A fleeting thought. Nothing but mist. If we linger though that's when we give that mist shape and form and before you know it we allow ourselves to get sucked in. That Saturday meeting is just the thing for moments like these. Don't drag yourself in. Dance yourself in fingers poppin.

 
Posted : 3rd February 2018 3:42 pm
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Romancing the punt, funny but so true Joan. I was aware that I had wrote drag myself to a meeting as that’s how I felt but shoot, was an enjoyable meeting listening to what depths drinking can do, yet witnessing the spirit of people from all walks of life bouncing back with that 2 fingered salute to what ever there chosen poison was.

I heard a share yesterday and It regarded a strong ex fireman and about the post trauma and guilt he felt and how he had bottled his feelings for an eternity. It made me think about the abstinence Vs recovery debate, so for me it just reinforces my thoughts that abstinence are the foundations to build, yet it’s only when you start dealing with the contents of what’s in the box is when recovery becomes part of the equation. It’s a tough one as sounds absurd, but hai many facets of life is.

Running late for work but the suns fresh, unlike me.

 
Posted : 4th February 2018 8:33 am
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Random alert.

I feel an energy when I go to meetings and listen and sometimes share, a connection of sorts. I feel an energy when I can be vulnerable to friends / family and take my bravado mask of. I feel an energy when I connect to random people. I feel an energy when I drop my bridge and let people in. I feel an energy when I open my eyes and see what’s around me rather than the decades of having my head in the sand. So, albeit lots not liking the terminology of a higher power, in new money HP to me now is all what I’ve written above.

It’s about energy and we are all one.

 
Posted : 4th February 2018 10:38 am
Aum
 Aum
(@aum)
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Thank you Volcano. My heads really mixed up at the moment. I need some time away to get my thoughts together. Can't believe I have been so stupid. I was given a lifeline and I've wasted it.

Take care...stephen

 
Posted : 5th February 2018 10:02 pm
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I’m going to respond on this diary to keep it fluid. You’ve not wasted anything my friend, your beating a path that’s not easy but your very much on it. The penny drops from invariable heights, but it’s dropping, albeit sometimes getting tangled. I get it and so do many others, now it just needs you to believe it. I get your thoughts and so do many others.

Stick with it Stephen, your going the distance, gambling has given you a few sucker punches, something the great Ali also took but he stuck with it, and so will you. Sleep and drag yourself of the canvas and realise that your not starting again but now with more wisdom. I see on another post that you said that you did 6 months, so what are you doing different this time around ? So trying not to be flippant but saying in a straight northern way, your dancing is cool but I think possibly something is cooler than them dance evenings. Knowledge is power Stephen .....

I look forward to speaking to you soon .

 
Posted : 5th February 2018 10:13 pm
(@Anonymous)
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Hi Paul

Glad you are still posting and dumping on your diary.

For the abstinence vs recovery, thats a tough one. I know what abstinence is but not sure what recovery is at this point. Seems alot of people don't get the latter without first doing the former.

 
Posted : 8th February 2018 12:08 pm
cardhue
(@cardhue)
Posts: 839
 

Hi Paul

Not had time to catch up properly with yr diary but I do like #1274

Hope all's well. Am leaving London for job up north - home of yr team no less. Pretty happy to be getting out tbh. Usual stuff - house prices and countryside mean London's not viable on term.

If yr ever in leeds gimme a shout.

Best

Louis

 
Posted : 9th February 2018 1:39 pm
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I fancied a footie bet during the week, picked the score but never acted. I feel pretty much the same today. Never say never but I can say I won’t.

I seem to have landed at the bottom of the cycle in the last 24hours and having escapism thoughts and not just to gambling but back to the push, push and pull. It’s a bu.gger when you can’t read your own thoughts and decipher whether there irrational or rational, will need to sit tight and see. Therapist Tuesday..

Recognising the surfing of obsessive thinking is a start but shooot still very confusing and annoying.

Hai ho

 
Posted : 10th February 2018 10:03 am
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Thought for today -

"Imperare sibi maximum imperium est ‘’ with which also equates to ‘ Is to rule yourself is the ultimate form of power ‘’

 
Posted : 13th March 2018 8:44 pm
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Just like a insect to flames I’ve found myself back to the chaos of addiction. An extreme few months, with work, relationships and health and now sat in Hungary undergoing latest treatment.

Reading quite a bizarre book titled the ‘ Red lion, elixir of eternal life ‘, making my imagination go to every realm of my mind.

Recovery is possible, abstinence is the foundation. Addiction is the disease of the soul, a progressive aggressive disease which is invisible and defy’s all logic and analysis. If there’s a bridge between the organs and the soul then the bridge is broken with the sympton of addiction.

After another stint back in the eye of the storm, now starting to feel the calmness return.

 
Posted : 5th April 2018 10:34 am
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After a life time of running, when is the right time to walk a way ? That’s the present conundrum I find myself in ? Whether this is in a relationship or work, despite my many failings I have faced up to a lot of things in life and at the top of my cycle I do know that I can face head on any adversity thrown at me. My addictions trick me in thinking that I’m a weak chap, yet I know that addiction doesn’t define me and that there is a coal burning away some where inside. This is all pretty random, but it’s what’s in my mind at the moment.

Reflecting a little about work and someone whom I got a job for and has turned out to be quite a inept snake, disappointed to say the least. Then on the flip side someone who I initially thought was a snake has become quite a valuable friend, albeit intense. I question myself about these two people and was it after all me and timing ? Confusing I know, but a question for me that I want to know, or as I type that, does it really matter as the only thing that should matter is me and my matter.

I quite possibly come across as aloof in my latest fall back into the chaos but one of the many lessons I’ve learned in re(dis)covery is that it’s futile to beat my self up. To use an old cliche, there is no mistakes in life only lessons. And s***t I’ve had a few of them as I seem to keep sending myself to the back of the class of recovery.

Random head

 
Posted : 6th April 2018 6:47 am
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