Dormant

Thankyou so very much DP and Carla, really does mean a lot and honored to be on the same journey....

Deary Diary

A return of the S***e thoughts i try my damndest to push out the back f*****g door. A creeping return of the bubbling anger, dampened down by the sadness i feel.

Thrown of course yesterday and wondering why the f**k always me. Even in the brightest sunshine it always seems to rain on me. Got tipped the wink that 2 new staff being transferred to our site next week. One of whom invented the f*****g wheel, so thoughts of here we go a f*****g again. Could possibly work in my favour, especially with this inside info afforded to me in manouvering a internal move, thats my positive voice an back of my head, yet the voice that drives me thinks, here we f*****g go back on this foooking scrapheap. Think of the Millwall football anthem of ' No one likes us (me) but we (i) dont care' but thats my bravado talking, coz i do care! Oh bol-lox, love that word and really makes more sense in times like this. Im a contractor, hence the maths dont add up.

Have always got the plan B, yet i alwaysend up in x,y or f*****g Z's. Wonder whether its time for that big bird in the sky to whisk me off to see the butterflies and buffaloes, hanging out with other lepers.

GA tonight..

http://youtu.be/y7rPDPyT_MU

Hey V

Hope GA went ok for you ..good on ya for giving it a go as I know you have had reservations...

Some times you just got to shop around for the right vibe in a group and that's as much part of the journey in recognising what feels right and what doesn't ...

Keep posting...there's folks on the same path as you and can support you....

R and D xx

Hi Paul,

I always read ur posts and don't comment cus I'm scared of saying the wrong thing. But ur last few posts have really touched me.

U r a fighter Paul, u deserve good things. I hope that one day u find true happiness and are content cus u soooo deserve it!

I just wanted 2 say I am thinking of u and hoping with all my heart that one day ul find peace and happiness!

Take care xx

So you missed the meeting too.... it's ok. You are staying on course in other ways and you are not giving up. This rollercoaster of emotions we experience isn't us... it's the addiction(s) likely combined with early learning and maybe some DNA. Remember that. So we continue to learn new ways of being. Can I help it if I'm a slow learner?!

Thanks for the quackers, my dad used to sing it to my grandchildren.

Love the Travis song but trouble is I actually like the rain, nothing nicer than snuggled under a duvet with someone listening to it tapping on the roof of my boat but too much of the stuff flooded my garden twice last year. Guess in a really naff corny way I am trying to say that gambling can be ok for some but too much and you submerge under the water. Sorry that was complete bollocking bollockaroonies so will just say thinking of you instead.

xxx

Just checking in... you alright?

Hi Volcano,

Thanks again for your posts, must be some kind of confusion because my name is not roger, its Patrick actually but hell I can be called anything. When i am gambling there are several f****n (to use your expression) words that can describe me. Forget about those birds whisking your off my friend, that time comes to us quick enough ! enjoy the c-r-a-c-k and defend your soul, it will be the defining moment in your life and all of us when later on we sat dwon and in a quiet moment said to ourselves ! yes i beat it and it no longer does or can control my life or emotions now or ever ! we look in the mirror and watch our faces change, they can change back also, when we do not gamble that is what happens. Have a great week Paul, all the best Dark Place

Thankyou so very much, really is appreciated. Carla, your so right, we are slow learners and on the threshold at getting this!!

Dear diary..

Not much to write off late, which i guess is good. Embarking on day 45 to no gambling. Never sustained a no drinking stance but not hitting the red wine and steady on the beer and zero doob. Progress i reckon.

Calmed down heaps on both work and life front. Do feel a little bit dead man walking as i show new possible replacement round the job, but get the food chain and steadily prparing my self.

Was due to move out of my abode last friday, reneged and got another couple of months as still pondering or even gambling like procastination, and still not sure of what direction i want to go. Levelling i guess as i prepare to move up a notch! f**k knows if im honest with my self but getting closer, i hope?

Did have a pr-ik targetting me with eggs from a highrise, would of taken my f*****g head off. Some angry pr-iks in this world. Trying my damndest to not be one of them!!

Hi Ho

Paul

fella I was laying here topping up my resolve and your thread climbed to the top of the pile, pondering your latest post I take one huge thing.

that 3 week cycle has more than doubled, your effort has gifted you that. Me i like the fact there is no competition in that, there is no finishing line, it's not snakes and ladders for me it's bricks and ladders. whether day one or 1000 we can choose to lay another brick in our wall, the one between us and the next bet and as the wall grows the ladder can be used to keep an eye on the enemy.

yes there are times when we go up the ladder and straight over the wall but you should be pleased your wall is twice the height and more!!

I also think there are days when that brick doesn't get layed we use it for a better purpose. to launch it at the sh##it in our lives, my advice enjoy that too!!!

with honour and strength my friend.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

TY Duncs, really feel like launching that brick, just dont know what at though.

Absolutlely no energy today. Wondered aimlessly with the dark cloud as company yet basking in sunshine. What the foooks that about? Unable to think and stringing a sentance together was biggest achievment of the day...

f**k is this my life or is it just normal and people handle the mundane alot better. I get up, i go to work, i come back to somewhere i hate, i think about work, i go to bed to cat nap. Then it starts again. What the hell is that about? Its more like a sentance.

I fully understand the rut and the escape to gambling. I get it too well. Build my self a life but all i can see is isolation and solitary confinement.. Rotten flesh, thats how i feel. was crying on the inner and laughing on the outer, now just numb inside and out...

The sad thing is, iv'e got it good!! Up and Down we go

Out for a pint, better than the count i guess.

No gambling, red or green

Hey you, just checking in on my inspiration! Really proud of how you are doing and thank you for your continued support! That numb feeling is only too familiar to most of us on this gang no-one wanted to join I'm sure, but I guess if we can see each day gamble free as a massive achievement we can all regain the pride and self assurance we need? Hope you enjoyed your pint much deserved I feel x Lyn x

TY Lyn, think us gang members inspire each other as we march, stumble along.

Dear Diary..

Really wasnt interested in any thing yesterday, complete exhaustion as i await the storms.

Am p*s-sed about latest work scenario and seeing the gleeful snakes poke there heads out the grass at possible demise. I can never give up, which i use to think was a quality now guessing its a curse.

I do feel a fraud on these diarys as i harp on about f/a really. Have to say im in a lucky position with no home to lose, no dependants and to top it i can earn well.

Have always fought the ladder of work, which seems to be the opposite of my fellow robots. Am not lazy, yet i know we're not designed to work. I still await the outcome from the tax beast and its not really comforting knowing theresmany others out there suffering the same fate as they try and recoup there past f***k ups. Feel like the tax, work and what ever dark forces out there are just playing with my irrelevant life. Yet, even though i whine, i know ive got my head round it.

Was due to see a friend last w/e who's had a great shock after finding himself in hospital. I blew him out last minute and chose my settee instead. What a top friend i am hai, need to try and redeem myself this w/e. A friend in need is a friend indeed.

I think its such a strange world with 8 billion plus peeps habitating, yet sometimes i look at my phone and thankful with a cold call from a sales man. Makes me realise that im also a spec of sand and not invisible after all.

Life is a blag, just got to find my doppleganger and others who share the same blag. Will need to advertise, yet scared to conpletely alienate my self if i really say whats on my mind. Which truthfully is entwined with numbers and colours.

Will probably read back on this and wonder what the f**k am i talking about, yet im tapping at a box, preparing for more b/s and politics.

Reflection............

Gang of Outkasts

http://youtu.be/PWgvGjAhvIw

Bath and out

Paul.

fella human nature was at the forefront of my mind yesterday. For me the irony is as a whole folk bang the oh we are so caring and humane drum but in the same breathe seem to play some form of human trumps.

There is pleasure taken from others demise and a quest to out trump other folk.

I stood and observed it all day.

thinking f**k if I feel down ill would you gift a helping hand or pick over the bones??

Decisions we make good and bad are there to bare, For you I hope you find a resolution in yours my friend, as yesterday i took this from what i saw.

Nobody holds all the trumps, that's impossible in my mind so today I will not obcess over other folks judgement, I will work with what I have.

as for everyone you see that holds a better set of cards there are many whom hold worse.

And without doubt i won't judge either.

with honour and strength my friend.

keep posting f**k all, it helps alot !!

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hai Duncs, TY, i think we stood together yesterday but i think you got it more as well as laying the bricks more level...

Washed, ironed and pretty smart today as i embark to the front line.

Last thought. Have to stop trying to reverse the universe, no wonder i spin. The carpets was layed out for me, just got to follow!!