Easy does it!

I have had a fair bit of time to reflect on where I am and what I see is not too bad. In the past I would have focused on the negative. I have to 100% accept where I am today. Logically I know where I am but truly deep down acceptance is stil an issue. To be honest it hurts to accept me for who I am!

Gambling takes away having to look at myself and makes me feel better. The last year or so has been a struggle as I haven't allowed myself to gamble. Also, and more to the point, I haven't allowed myself to move on. Maybe I like feeling negative. The holiday I just had gave me some time to sit and think very deeply and I gave myself all the right answers. Today all I kept thinking about, bacause I'm home, was to have a little gamble. It is driving me insane but I'll not surrender as I can ride these storms out without any problems. It is when the storms clear and I'm left with myself I struggle sometimes. I have to move on and hopefully I will. Keep moving forward!

Yo,

I can see what your saying , but who do you want to be ?

Because lets say I want to be like Adele , but I can not sing and I am thirty years older . Lol

But I have people at work who respect and would like to be more like me.

Little do they know , see what I'm saying , are we chasing an impossible dream , everyone I suppose has good and bad traits. We as CGs have spent soooooo long feeling we are bad people we can not see the good , if someone tells we good , gifted , beautiful funny ect ect we walk away thinking either they want something or they must not see us as a whole and there judgement is wrong .

Yet on this site everyday we comment on the good we see in people . But can not see that on ourselves.

I like you am working hard to change that , by being positive and congratulating myself for a job well done .

So if we turn that on its head and start to like ourselves , which is very new to me . Then maybe just maybe the person I want to be was inside me all along .

Do not if ant of this help , just my thoughts

Shiny xxxxxxxxx

Great post mate,

I am looking forward to my next holiday next Easter when hopefully I will be debt free. This will really give me the opportunity to restart my life and think about how I want to move my life forward.

These recovery journeys of ours really do give us the opportunity to reflect and like you say, gambling takes away all the time to do this.

Have a great weekend,

NT

Right now I feel recovery is cobblers! However the alternative is even worse. I used to find great comfort from this forum but I don't gret the same buzz from it nowadays. Not sure why! I understand it is my problem and no one elses. Depression is so closely linked to addiction of that I'm sure. Maybe I'm thinking too long term and realising I will never be able to get the same buzz from gambling as I used to without going over the top. I am in a strong position in recovery and got all barriers in place. I have to keep moving forward although I don't know what direction that is. Truth is I'm not happy for some reason something is bothiering me but not sure what it is. Hope any newcomers get on board and hang around for a time to give themselves a chance! Take care

PS Just writing things down makes me feel better. Just rambling really!

Hi Smiler... I too have lost my zeal for this forum. I still post a little but more out of habit than anything else. Which i suppose is exactly what the gambling was... a habit, albeit a self-destructive one. So I guess better to be here reading and posting a little than back gambling.

I think when folk first arrive here its such a relief to see that one is not alone. I use to get great comfort from the fact that i was not the only one that sat for hours at some god dam machine and as i learnt what i needed to do to stop gambling I enjoyed passing on that wisdom to others.

However despite the many positives of this place eventually I came to realise that being here had in itself become a way to avoid facing and dealing with my reality and the original reasons that had led to my compulsive gambling in the first place.

Ive heard similar stories from Ga. The one that always sticks in my mind is this guy who had not gambled for more than 15 years and who through attending weekly meetings and getting heavilly involved with Ga was able to recite "recovery principles" chapter and verse with exquisit clarity. Folk always listened with great care to what he had to say.. but was he happy?... no, no he wasn't.

A few years later when i was a regular for a while you could see that he had eventually become happy or happier at any rate. As he would say himself... after many many years of abstinence he woke up one morning wanting to die rather than carry on... and realised that he MUST act to tackle the areas of his life that needed attention.. or sink into the abyss and over the following few months he did.

Somehow my story is not too dissimilar to his. Ive gone for long periods of time not gambling, albeit with occasional lapses and yet despite months and occasionally years of not gambling am still not in a good place within myself.. depression ways heavilly on my soul. I wait for some sort of ureka moment to guide me to a better place and yet it doesn't come.

As with you am just rambling really.. better to be here than gambling. Better to be writing self-pitying stuff than gambling. Onwards.. S.A

Hi

I so agree with what SA just posted

The 5 years I spent in recovery was an exsistance I was unhappy and could not see how to live differently

This time I feel different , I think you have learnt to live with not drinking and have accepted it without it weighing you down .

Slowly I hope we will learn to live with this accept it but still be able to find a way to live contently

It is frustrating cause I do crave the escapism that drinking and gambling gave me but understand that I can not go back there

Is there another way to get that buzz or escapism Probably for me not but if I try to deal with the areas I need to escape from maybe the need to escape will not be so strong.

With this site I suppose at the moment I am not really looking for a reminder of the deep dark days but some insight into the what's next

You take care and what seems like a ramble to you get some folk who are maybe a bit further along in their journey thinking just like you have me and SA today

Shiny xxxxxxx

Hi,

Was thinking bout you today .

Hope all is ok with you , .......

Shiny xxxxxxxxx

Long time, no post. Yours is one of the diaries I catch up on regularly.

How are things, Smiler?

Sitting on my own today and caught myself checking odds on football matches etc! Why? I have no idea but I almost forgot about this site (sorry). This site saved my life and sanity and I owe it everything. However it was time for me to move away. Maybe I'll be back again for a time, I do not know. There is a life after gambling but you have to find it. I spent years addicted to one thing or another. It now appears I'm a workaholic! Is that a bad thing? I do not know! Getting an even balance in my life seems to be impossible but something I battle with on a daily basis. I am no longer a victim in my life I am a survivor of the situations I had no control over. Today, I take full responsibility for my actions in the past and have moved on from them. There is no right or wrong way to do this recovery but one thing that has saved me is self exclusion. It is a powerful tool in this fight against recovery. Strange how this addiction will lay dormant for a while and still be there when you least expect it! If anyone is on this site for the first time or you're new please take care and be easy on yourself. Things will get easier once the mist clears. I'm glad I've posted here and left the odds behind! Take care

Smiler

Thanks for sharing with us today.

You will never know how profound an effect you had on my belief in recovery.

For it I will be ever thankful.

With honour and strength.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Yo,

Always!!! Good to hear from you !

Read your post and yep

Little house of horrors came to mind .

Enough said

Shiny xxxxxx

Hey Smiler, nice to hear from you! Glad to hear life is going well for you, better to be addicted to work than to gambling, drinking etc. Good luck for the future and hopefully hear again from you soon x

Had an eventful day in relation to recovery but solid it is! I know where the thoughts came from and I sent them back. A lad I know vaguely was telling me how he needs one team for a win on a footy bet and then asks me how my coupon got on this weekend! I promptly replied it's a mugs game. Then he said It's only a bit of harmless fun! Which for most is true but not for me thank you very much. Many thanks for the few replies and good to see Duncan carrying the flag into battle. I'll hopefully be hanging around for some time until I feel settled. Not sure how long that'll be. Take care

Hi PinkS and Shiny

Apparently this weekend was the worse for bookies in years according to a fellow today! However it was an even better one for me as I never gambled a penny! I am much safer once the week comes as I'm at work and out of harms way. If I wanted to gamble I would need to travel a fair few miles as self exclusion kicks in for miles around! Take care

It matters not how old we are or how much debt we get into! If we stop our gambling at any given time our lives, by default, will get better for us on a personal level. Yes there may be fallout from relationships but to be honest is our relationship with our partners a true one if we live a constant lie. All we are doing is using this person to enable us to carry on with our addiction. Kill it stone dead I say and be honest with yourself. Have a relationship with yourself and hold your heads up high. Take care