Enough is Enough

(LONG READ)

I'm exhausted! mentally, physically and emotionally! 

I've had enough! And today is the day of stopping! 

I have always been very good at finding different avenues, whether that be.. conversation avenues, problem solving, making money or the worst of the them all finding a way.... any sort of way to gamble! I put self barriers/ blocks in place and I find a way around them!

It's smart and clever but it's not good! Really isn't good! 

Today's tasks! 

Today I've signed up to GamCare! To find permentant barries that I can put in place! 

I'm self excluding my mothers account (she didn't use it, tried online once and didn't like it) 

I'm deleting my mates banking details! So that I can no longer send him money! 

I have read there is a software or app that can be installed on your phone to stop accessing gambling sites! 

My wife knows that I gamble a little... a wee coupon here n there and a the odd shot at the machine in the bookies. When in realtiy it's a football coupon evert weekend, Saturday and Sunday! And I'm in the bookies almost every day, losing up to £500 at a time! Obviously winning sometimes, but not really overall. I could be up a few grand and then be down £500 spending 4/5 sometimes 6 hours in the bookies when I should be working!

We are struggling as a family financially due to the cost of living! We would be so much more comfortable if I didn't hide part of my salary to accommodate my gambling addiction! I'm also in 5 grand debt that with my wife doesn't know about.

On top of my salary job, I do beer line servicing in a mates pub every 2 weeks. I do deliveries 2/3 times a week plus I do an additional on call job through my own work. So working 4 jobs! Just to keep gambling, when I could be working less and be a bit more comfortable! 

It's taking its tole on me! I'm physically exhausted with all the work I undertake! Tired all the time and little energy to do things that I should be doing as a family and with the kids

I'm mentally exhausted with the worry about money! The debt and how I can make more moeny to gamble!

I'm emotionally drained! My emotions are all over the place when I've had a win I'm on cloud 9 until the next day when I lose and I'm feeling low! Feeling angry but them getting emotional! 

I've only told 3 people about my addiction. My mum- who always bails me out and supports me. My dad who thinks I just had a mad spell loosing 2 grand and loand me the money and lastly my mate who also has a problem.

I don't want to tell my wife! The thought of being treated like a child, like you can't be trusted to go to the shop or not being able to have any control over finances makes me resent the idea. Plus the look of disappointment is unbearable! Knowing that I've put us into this debt when we are already struggling! 

I know this is a lengthy post, but hope others can relate and share their experiences of what they are going through and how they are coping! 

I plan on updating this weekly for now, with an honest update on what or how I've progressed in the previous week. 

Time to take back control!