Every Day Is A Second Chance

Hi again (just popped onto your other thread) welcome back to the Recovery Diary section 🙂

Don't sweat the dreams, they are normal, sometimes terrifying but @ least it wasn't Captain Birdseye giving you evils 😉

Maybe you don't need to be different, just being yourself could be enough!

Thanks ODATT. Captain Birdseye?...now, that is a scary thought!

I like your point about me being different. I guess what I mean is that my actions need to different. I can't expect things to change if I keep on doing the same thing.

So, I'm nearly at the end of day one. Cravings wise, it hasn't been too bad although I know I would have gambled if I hadn't made the commitment to stop. The kids (I've got 2) have been busy all day, so I've had plenty of opportunity and I know that in the past I would have played (without doubt). My mind remains in a whirr, constantly going over and over everything connected to this horrible addiction. If anything, I just feel a bit flat and low in mood.

I've done a bit of gardening to keep occupied and have answered a few emails that I've been putting off. I even sat reading the paper at lunchtime, which felt really weird. My mind was saying "you can't waste time reading the paper" and yet when I think of the countless hours (days/months) that I've lost over the years!

I've spent a lot of the day reading people's diaries and posts. It's so helpful to know that there are others like me out there and that I'm not alone. Posts from other women really resonate with me. For such a long time, I couldn't imagine that there could be other women in the same boat as me. I thought gambling was a "man's problem" and couldn't believe that I could find myself in such a state. Now, I realise differently.

I'm going to bed early in an attempt to put this out of my mind. Hopefully the dreams and thoughts won't be as bad tonight.

Onwards and upwards x

Hi ive been reading your reovery story and just want to say well done on day one. Im nearly two weeks into my recovery and feeling good. I just want say that for us compulsive gamblers we unfortunately cant win because we cant stop, and no matter what we win we want more. People find different ways to put it all into perspective and as most poeple say you dont see a broke bookies/casino. One person once said to me even for every win you have, you are winning someone elses loss who are in exactly the same situation as you. The more you abstain from gambling the more you t**t to feel like that person you used to be, no lies, wasting your hours and a clear conscience.

I hope you continue the good work and think about those closest each day. any advise you have please feel free to sahre. keep up the good work and take each day as it comes

Oh LB I'm such an r*e (but you've probably figured that if you've flicked through my crazy diary)...I had another thread open (someone who likes fish fingers) & not entirely sure how but I muddled his post with yours...Soz :-0 I'd still be inclined to agreed that Captain Birdseye would have been rather scary but he might have even raised a smile had you been psychic 😉 Your tiny mind is going to be working overdrive these next few days & Mr Gamble would have rubbed his hands with glee had you folded up the paper & jumped into his arms!

I'm not sure how far through my diary you got but I tried daily to give up but until I put my blocks into place I fell @ every 1st hurdle! From what I've read, my kind of gambling is deffo a man's problem but yours is extremely common so you most definately are not the only one in this state!

If you are minded to, I'd love to hear what barriers you have put it place, I guess I'm looking for a bit if reassurance that you get this cannot be done on willpower alone!

Draw a line under what has gone down & focus on the todays, One Day At A Time! You owe it to your children but more importantly you owe it to you! Don't be too hard on yourself as you're gonna need your fight especially in these early days!

Onwards & upwards indeed or OAU - ODAAT

Thanks Curly and ODAAT...I'll reply properly in a little while. Right now, I've woken up early with thoughts in my mind that I just need to get down on here.

It's early and everyone else is still asleep. Lots of dreams again and mind working overtime, with recriminations, self loathing etc...then woke up this morning and bam! The first thoughts running through my head are the same old "justify it to myself ones"

which go like this...

I don't smoke or take drugs.I don't have any hobbies that I spend money on. In fact, I don't really spend much money on myself at all. My husband has a good job, so we've got money to spare. Other women spend loads on make-up, expensive face creams, botox!....not me.So why shouldn't I spend some money on gambling? It's just like a hobby really.I can have a set amount each month to spend and do what I like with it.

My god, I want to scream! It's like there's two halves of my brain at odds with each other. I know that all that is a load of c**P. I know that if I act on those thoughts nothing will change and I'll be in this sorry state for ever. I know that it's the addiction talking but part of me is saying go for it.

I started gambling about 10 years ago. Back then I really could take it or leave it. We went to Vegas a few times and it was fun, but I enjoyed the shows and restaurants more than the slots.I had $100 spending money for the machines, which seemed a huge amount,and there was no way I was going to lose it and I didn't.To this day, I've never been in a bookies and horses and dogs leave me cold.But those B*****d online slots. I can't even remember how I ever went on them. I can remember they weren't a problem for a long while. I'd put in £10 and play video poker for hours at a time at 25p a go. If I lost it, the upset of losing (money still meant something to me then) kept me off them for months and If I won I drew it out with a little victory dance. Then I tried the slot games, and the buzz was different...more exciting. For quite a while I kept it in control, although the losing became more frequent and the victory dances, not so much. Then my sister died and my world fell apart.The only thing I knew that blocked out the pain was to spend the day online. I'd get the kids to school and if I didn't go back to bed I'd go slot crazy until it was time to pick them up. I'm crying as I remember this. It was such a painful time and when I emerged from the worst part of the grieving I was well and truely hooked. A full blown addiction which I've been dealing with for about the last 5 years.

At that time, I reached what I thought was my rock bottom. I'd been using our joint account card and losing large amounts but I always managed to win it back. I'd confess to my husband and say how sorry I was and that I wouldn't do it again. It didn't seem so bad because the losses were covered but I knew he was worried about me. Then the day finally came when I didn't win it back. I kept trying and trying with bigger and bigger stakes but nothing.I can vividly remember telling him...the churning feeling in my stomach, the thoughts of running away, of how I'd let him down, of being a "disgrace". I gave him control of the money and all my cards, I self excluded and installed gamblock. I then had counselling for gambling addiction. It worked. I learnt a huge amount about myself and the unhappiness that leads me to gamble. I stopped for 6 months (i think in part because I really didin't want to let my counsellor down).I thought it was under control....I was wrong.

I hated not having access to money and my husband felt terrible about it. I got my cards back and we agreed that I would have a seperate account that I had control of with a set amount (£200) transferred into monthly. I could spend it how I wanted. Expensive candles, treats, luxuries...all the fripperies. If I chose to gamble it then so be it.I'm an adult... I was "in control" and it was limited so where was the harm? As long as I didin't touch the joint account, all was good. The controlled gambling lasted a few months but then it dawned on me that I could pay cash into my account and he'd never know. It's been downhill ever since. That £200 a month is usually £600/700 by the time I've added to it....plus I lose all my winnings. I feel terrible every time I pay in, but it doesn't stop me.I've been living in fear that he'll wonder where all the cash is going, but I've got a thousand excuses/lies ready to tell him. I've sold gold and paid in the money...I've even contemplated payday loans. Not to pay off debts, but just to pay in and ching with.

What a lying, deceiving cow I've become.

But no more. I really do want to stop. I think I've learnt the lesons.

And so begins day 2. Today I will not gamble x

hi life begins,

Just going to work, but read your post and want to reply.

Wow you are down that horrible dark road I was down, I can relate to everything you say. I went further after selling everything I possibly could, that Payday road, not only a lot in my name but I am ashamed to say I took ones (with higher amounts out in OHs name) to keep feeding it, it wasn't even about the money in the end, I had to get that fix, so to speak.

Well done for coming on here and opening up, it's not an easy journey, ( you know this as you have done an amazing 6 month gamble free time) but I guess you did not committ 100% to recovery, as too many gaps were left open,

I totally understand how you are feeling now, and it's S***e, but you have come back to the right place,

Keep posting and venting, I know you know what you have to do to stay with recovery, it will be tough, but you will have a new beginning again then, with honesty and determination, to contain this awful addiction.

It doesn't matter how small your steps are, even one tiny one a day is better than another one back.

I wish you the very best on this journey of a lifetime, recovery is really sooo much worth it, for our and our loved ones sanity if nothing else.

Take care and keep posting.

Suzanne xx

Suzanne, thank you for your message. I'm crying again now! Just knowing that people care really makes a difference. I'm so glad I didn't go down the payday loans route, but if I'm honest it's only because I still had access to money. If I didn't, then I was at the point that I would have done anything to get my hands on some cash. I even thought about cashing in my son's savings account, but I knew he'd have to sign it as he's over 18...how bad is that? No point in beating myself up over it now though.What's done is done.

Your words about doing it for my sanity struck a chord...that's really why I'm giving up for good. My goal is to live with a clear conscience and a calm mind and abstinence is the only way to achieve that.

GT, thanks for your words of encouragement. I can feel those strong, positive wishes...I think they're working 🙂

Curly, thank you for your post and encouragement. Well done on nearly getting to two weeks...that's good going. You're absolutely right that we can't win because we can't stop. That's becoming a mantra for me....together with one day at a time. You talk about getting back to the old me and I love the sound of that. I never used to be this way, so it's hard to accept how much it's changed me. As I move forward each day I take one step away from this me towards the person I want to go back to being. Thanks. Keep up the good work yourself x

Thanks, ODAAT. I didn't really get the Captain Birdeye reference...I just thought you must have a bit of a thing for bearded purveyors of breaded fish 🙂

As to what barriers I have in place? Not very good ones, if I'm honest. I really don't want to tell my husband (again). We've been through this so many times and I've had so many second chances that I really can't do it. I want to tell him at some point in the future but not until I can honestly say I've beaten this and this is what I was doing (past tense). We had blockers on the computer before, but they kept poppping up when the kids were on youtube and there's no way I'm prepared to explain to them that I gamble compulsively so that's a no-no...plus I also found ways to get round them before. My main goal is to break the triangle, with the most obvious starting point being money. The only account that my husband doesn't see is my single seperate bank account that my monthly allowance gets paid into, so I think I should give him my card to this.But I have to find a way to do this without admitting that I've been effectively stealing from him for the last few years...mmm, not good. I could just close this account and say I don't want a monthly allowance any more but I've got it in my head that I'd like to see that money build up and be able to do something big with it in a year's time as a celebration of reaching 365 days GF. I have closed/self excluded from my online accounts, but I know that's not the answer as I can always open another one.

I know I need blocks. I will work out what to do about that account. But I also know that I really have to just accept that I can no longer gamble. I really need to understand my triggers and watch out for and fight back against the voice in my head that says 20 quid won't hurt. Because it does hurt...it really hurts.

Thanks again ODAAT. And yes, OAU!!

Oh LB, I'm so sorry to hear about your sister 🙁 I lost mine about 7 years ago & although it would be fair to say we weren't close, I still miss her & that's not just because I have to take her 'brats' on holiday 😉 It must be desperately hard to move on from the loss of a loved sibling 🙁

You are completely right when you say gambling is not just about the money, recovery isn't either! You may have had a long blip in between but your recovery started years ago & you still have all the tools that kept you away from it for 6 months before!

I would suggest the 1st thing you do is cut up your card & report it lost! This will buy you a bit of time to decide how to progress because addiction does not want to let you go & the urges will wash over you out of nowhere! When the new one comes through, scratch off the CVV number, you won't be able to order stuff online but you ain't ordering stuff now except gambling tokens that can't be changed back into cash because we are compulsive gamblers! What about transferring your allowance into a regular saver that you can't touch or put it into bonds, it doesn't need to sit in a current account waiting for the addiction to strike!

I have yet to discover what sent me down this road but I am one of the lucky ones who doesn't need an answer to this (too lazy to look if I'm honest but I understand that I may need to try this if my recovery starts to wane), finding out why you gamble may help you make sense of it but it can't change your past! Nothing can! We can however make our futures brighter by working on the todays!

I understand why you don't want to let your husband down again but this addiction thrives on secrecy & recovery is a lifetime commitment so you will never have beaten it, just figured out a way to live in harmony with it! Hearing I could never gamble again terrified me @ first but now gambling again is what causes the fear! 20 quid wouldn't hurt if we were 'normal' but to us, it can be the difference between life & not living!

Time to stop hurting - ODAAT

You can do this, good luck!

ill be keeping an eye on your progress

ODAAT...you are a genius! Your idea about losing the card and scratching off the CVC number and then transferring the money to a savings bond. Love it! I'm phoning the bank tomorrow. And no, not being able to buy anything with the cash is totally fine because I never ever, over all the years, bought anything other than online deposits with it.

Thanks for understanding about my sister. It was, and still is, very tough as we were really close. It's not the reason I ended up here but it's part of it. However, a bit like you said, it doesn't really matter why or how I got here but how I get away from here that's the important thing to focus on. I can spend hours analysing my behaviour and trying to understand why, but the bottom line is that it is what it is. As Dr. Phil would say...."you've had a tough life. So what, get over it!"

Day 2 done and dusted and feeling ok. The racing thoughts are calming down and the urges have been bearable. This forum is helping more than I ever imagined it would x