Every Day Is A Second Chance

Bah Dr Phil, what does he know...He's right, of course, but that doesn't mean it is easy!

& bah again, wish I hadn't read past your 1st line, I liked the idea of being a genius...But, it's not my idea, it's plagiarism like all of my advice - I sometimes give thanks to whomever I 'borrowed' it off of but mostly, I can't remember, old age, not alcoholism 😉

Why don't you give Gamcare a ring? I know you had counselling for your 'gambling addiction' before but you stayed away for the counsellor, not for you! This journey is about your wants & needs not putting someone else 1st! I don't think you will ever get over the loss of your sister & I'm really torn about writing this (& I really hope you don't feel insulted) but I'm going to say it anyway, she would want you to be happy! I have no idea whether she would be kicking you up the b*m or holding you tight but if you find a way to really deal with your grief, you won't need to run away from it anymore!

A massive well done for getting through Day 2, welcome to day 3 🙂

You will find you again - ODAAT

Thanks ODAAT...whatever you say, I still think you're a genius!

My sister definitely wouldn't want me to be unhappy. I don't think she'd understand about the gambling, but she would be there for me for sure. For about two years before she died she was having problems in her marriage and she was deeply unhappy. Of course, she didn't know she was going to die (3 weeks from diagnosis to passing) or she'd have kicked him to the kerb! Yet to this day I'm sad that those last few years were spent in despair and misery....if I were to go tomorrow I don't want people to say that about me too.

Day 3 and I'm holding on. The kids (they're teenagers) have been out with friends so I've been whileing away the time alone with temptation at my fingertips, but no real thoughts of giving in. I will def have to think of some things to do come September when they're back at school though.

Things I've learnt today...

The days seem really long when they're not filled with slots

I have lots of small triggers/associations with gambling (as in lots of times throughout the day when I've thought "I would have been online now")

I can get an awful lot of cleaning done in a day if I'm not gambling....who knew?!

I'm starting to reach my limit of tea and biscuits...will have to find some other substitute soon or I'll start getting stuck in doorways

There are an awful lot of gambling adverts when you're watching daytime TV

But probably the most important realisation today has been that when I gave up before I never really believed it would be forever. Looking back, I thought that if I could go a certain time without gambling it would mean that I didn't really have a problem. I think, deep down, I went into it with the idea of controlled gambling in my head. This time round I know that won't work for me...it's all or nothing. I'm choosing nothing x

Hi,LB,

Well done on 3 days:)

I like your saying I choose nothing, you are doing fine, remember one day at a time, keep that triangle broken and keep busy.

Stay strong and keep winning your life back( even if it's cleaning lol)

Suzanne xxx

Bah 3 weeks til she went to sleep 🙁 I could cry for you (in fact, I'm going to, just a bit, it's been one of those days) but @ least she got to say her goodbyes, painful as that must have been on so many counts. Don't carry her regrets but you are right to learn from them!

I have some answers to your triggers although I'm a little surprised that the Blonde one did not pass on any of her speciality knowledge! I'm more a wipe & go kind of gal myself but Suzanne as our resident (cleaning) expert has the all the gear & the know how to make cleaning fun 😉

Anyway, I digress, my top tips for today are check out GT's thread on Tips for keeping busy & celery! Celery you might ask but I hear it takes more calories to chew it than it provides (someone will be along with the correct terminology soon I'm sure) & there ain't no more room turning sideways once us girlies have consumed too many biscuits :-0

& as for that realisation...That was my turning point! I didn't want to read it @ first, the concept terrified me but I read it so many times that I couldn't ignore it anymore! We cannot win because we cannot stop & like you, I don't want to live with regrets!

Well done on Day 3...There will be tough days ahead but it will get easier! Keep fighting - ODAAT

Thanks ladies. I'm not sure that cleaning could ever be fun (no disrespect Suzanne!) but at least I'm doing it properly now. The amount of times I'd do the panicked quick whizz round with the hoover and a squirt of pledge into the air before hubby got home, just to make it look like I'd done something with my day.

I will check out that thread for sure. As to the celery...think I might have to pass on that one. I'd rather be fat 🙂

The "I cannot win, because I cannot stop" is becoming ingrained in my brain. It sums it up so well and gets straight to the heart of it for me.

Day 4

Hubby went to bed early last night as he had a headache. In my previous life that would def have been a trigger for me. Just last week he did the same and I went to bed bleary eyed at 3 in the morning after a huge session and massive loss, with the reels literally still spinning when I had shut my eyes to go to sleep. Not last night. I came on this forum instead. Went to bed at 11.30 feeling pleased with myself rather than ashamed.

This morning I'm waiting to meet a friend to go for a walk. We've been doing this fairly regularly for about 2 years now, and this is the first morning that I'm not waiing for her whilst playing slots. So many walks I've had the sinking feeling of a loss or the anticipation of getting straight back to what money was left going around in my head as we've been out. Not today. Fantastic.Got a feeling I'm going to enjoy this walk a whole lot more.

Sleeping a bit better now, but still waking with it on my mind. Not gambling itself (the urges aren't too bad) but remembering all the things I've done in the past. Kind of flashbacks I suppose. They'll go as time moves on I'm sure. For now, I'm just working through them and reminding myself that they're the past. They don't define me and they don't make me a bad person.

I heard a line in a song which sticks with me....

"my conscience called but I hung up the phone"....well I'm not hanging up this time. I'm staying on the phone x

How was your walk? Just wondering if you found enjoyment in the weather or a flower, something 'insignificant' that you never noticed before? I have found recovery to be like seeing things with a different set of eyes! Some days I might even say it's like rose tinted glasses but it sure beats spinning reels or the falling Candy that I replaced my addiction with in the early days!

Great work last night by the way, you really earned that feeling 🙂

Keep working through stuff - ODAAT

The walk was great. Enjoyed the sunshine and the company but it was weird how I got a jolt at the end. We always split up and go our seperate ways home. Instantly as I left, I got a big ping of gambling compulsion. I guess it's just become so ingrained. A Pavlov's dogs type reaction. I ignored it and it had gone by the time I got home. Spent the day getting the house ready as we've got friends coming to stay for the weekend.Remembered that the last time they came I did all the cleaning and making up of beds with my i-pad on autospin....not even looking at the screen but just listening for the sound effects that said I'd got the feature. Madness.

Anyway, am currently feeling like s**t and feel like screaming. Nothing's happened...no major cravings...but am feeling in an absolutely foul mood.FOUL.No idea why. PMT?...maybe. Withdrawal...probably. Have bitten both kids and hubby's head off for no good reason. Just want to tell them all to P**s off and leave me alone. Could easily retreat to the bathroom with the i-pad and a trusty on-line friend but there's no way jose that I'm doing that. Can't cave on day 4. Actually, can't cave ever. Maybe that's my problem. The dawning that this is forever. Sometimes that seems fine...welcome even. But sometimes, forever seems like a really long time.

Anyway. Obviously it's not the answer,but I'm retreating to the sofa with a glass of wine and a huge bag of crisps. And no, I'm not sharing them with anyone 🙂

I've just reread that, and now I'm crying.

I will stay strong.And I'll remember to try my absolute hardest not to think about forever, but just to remember ODAAT x

Thanks x

I Hey LB,

Really relate to your feelings, but it is withdrawal/ void , just push through, this is when one day/minute / hour really counts, when we feel like this, we don't want to know anymore, it's still very raw, and it is painful, these feelings are part of the initial process of recovery, just keep pushing through, you are not abnormal, you are arresting this horrendous addiction, and your feelings and moods will change like the weather, several times in one day, but you are on a raw 4 days and you really are doing fantastic, and that is why that addiction is digging deep,,it just doesn't want you to gamble again, it is still trying to self destruct you.

That is why on the first raw and vulnerable days we do literally take one day at a time, honestly this will pass and you will feel soo positive that you did not give in/give up, have a drink, have a swim in the nude in a puddle, do anything to just get away from these feelings, because they will subside.

You are doing just fine,

Suzanne xxx

Ah hah, the recovery rage...Yep, I had that :-0 To be fair it is slightly possible that I had it before also but pre recovery I never had time to notice my feelings, always far too busy losing money! I can't look back to see if I recorded any specifics but it is horrible being a cow & not knowing why (sighs) 🙁

I think you may need to have a quick look @ a dictionary, unless of course you were talking about retreating to the bathroom with us 🙂 Mr Gamble is not a friend, he is a lying, cheating, manipulative scumbag & they're just the words I won't get edited using!

You did great today, cut yourself some slack 🙂 Keep the wine but maybe offer round a crisp or two yeah, or you'll have no choice but to consider the celery option 😉

Don't wish your life away, sometimes you gotta fight minutes or even seconds @ time but the only day that matters is today!

You can do this, you are doing it - ODAAT

PS

Forgot this, and you deserve it ((((((LB)))))))

Xx

Huge thanks yous again to you Suzanne and ODAAT. It really does help to know I've got your support and understanding. That you've been here, done it, bought the t-shirt and have come out the other side is huge and I keep reading your posts and diary entries and they keep me going. I'm not sure if I'm meant to reply to you here or on your own diary? I'm new, so please forgive me if I'm doing it wrong 🙂

I got through the evening and I didn't strangle anyone, so that's good.Couldn't manage all the crisps, but did drink quite a bit of the wine 🙂

I do understand that my feelings are going to be all over the place. I think it's just the speed with which they change that's catching me by suprise. I'd been feeling fine 5 minutes earlier and then bam, I was snarling at everyone. An hour later and I was sobbing in the bathroom. This morning I feel ok again. I guess this is the emotional rollercoaster that everyone talks about.

I'll be fine. I know I will...just got to ride the waves. Friends are staying for the weekend so I'll be kept busy and it'll be fun. Think the sun is meant to put it's hat on so that'll be good.

Just checked my account online as my monthly allowance is due on the 1st but it hasn't gone in. I think it's because it's a Saturday. If I'd still been gambling I would now be climbing the walls. The frustration at having to wait would have felt overwhelming and it's def a time that I would have taken money to pay in.Not today, thank god.I just felt calm and thought I'll have to check again Monday.The calmness felt amazing. I like it. I want more of it.

Day 5 and I know that today's going to be gamble free.

You don't have to worry about protocol on here 😉

That calmness is there for the taking as long as you hold on tight for the loop de loops! Isn't it ironic that in such a short period of days, the need for money has paled! Thank goodness, coz I'm not sure climbing the walls will be achievable for much longer with all those biscuits sitting inside you 😉

Have a wonderful time with your friends & I'm sure that even if the sun doesn't bring it's hat out, it's gonna turn out nice again - ODAAT

HL,

5 days and I know I won't gamble today,

As I have said you are doing just fine, well done on getting through yesterday.

Take care.

Suzanne xxx