Facing reality AT LAST

Hi,

Welcome, it looks like you have made a great start 14 days free aleady..

Keep posting, try to find another solution to blocking the computer if you know you will able to get round it.

I am sure there are people on this site that can help with that , me I was a FOBT girl .

Take care ,

Dusty

Hi and thanks very much for your reply.

My current block is great (currently have K9 with a password I don't know; had Gamblock in the past which worked great), but I know from experience that I "find a way around" it ie by going somewhere else and using another machine. I know there'll always be a way to do that so I'm working on my underlying reasons for gambling while seeing "blocks" as barriers/slowdowns.

I did contact my bank to see if they would block all gambling transactions. They claim they can't do this (I thought some banks did?) although thankfully there have been lots of times they've blocked an attempt to deposit due to their fraud alarms going off. (Often this has been enough to interrupt a "trance" of gambling and make me self-exclude from wherever I happen to be gambling at the time.) I think I will phone them and see if I can speak to a manager or really press them on whether they can do something.

I have closed all other cards etc and wouldn't get another credit card even if I applied for it, as I'm not currently employed. That has helped. I am not willing to hand over my cards to my husband as that would mean telling him about my problem, which I know is highly recommended but I'm just not ready to do that.

I have gone over two years without gambling, in the past, and it really felt as if I had let it go from my life, but then it raised its head again. And although each relapse is less bad than the last (in terms of time/money lost), I want to stop having them altogether by finding other ways to react to difficult (and even happy) life situations.

Hi ya,

Well done for getting through another day.

It's hard but worth it, but then you know this 2 years without a bet, just shows it doable.

You take care.

Dusty

Well, coming to the end of day 20 now and it's been an up and down nearly-3-weeks. Feeling great that I have not gambled.

Have been reading a lot, looking at CBT techniques to reduce urges (I am a great believer in CBT), reading other people's experiences which help to reinforce my decision to stay free of gambling.

Had some strong urges. Didn't come close to gambling due to good blocks and successfully distracting myself/diffusing the urge. But interesting to observe that they are still there even though I fully understand what the consequences would be. What I tell myself when I have an urge is something like "Well yes, it's an addiction, urges are inevitable." Doesn't mean I have to act on them any more.

Did a 10k race this morning and beat my personal best - I feel good about it but somehow have to "make" myself feel good about achievements like that. It's not natural to me to just feel good about myself and just enjoy the significant things I've achieved. All part of my psyche that needs a lot of work... 😉

Day 20 is a milestone and day 21 is too as it's 3 weeks, so that's my next target. Then 25 which is a nice round number, then 28 (4 weeks) and then a month to work towards, so lots of little milestone steps to work towards at the moment.

Hi there

Well done so far ur doin great , setting urself short goals is a great idea something u can achieve and be proud of , its also great to see how seriously and determine u r by reading up and lookin at all the reasons why u gambled

Putting all the blocks in place will help u so much but ur realistic enough to realise there are ways round them if the desire is there , goin gamble free for 2 years is a remarkable achievement in itself take real strength from this u know u can do this try and learn from ur mistakes if u can

Most of us gamble out of control due to life problems and not facing up to them it's so easy sometimes to give in and hide the pain away , so try and be strong and make that decision each day and choose not to gamble

Stay close to this site esp when the urges come fight them and get that strength to get through the next day

Stay strong keep reading and posting

Castle2

Thanks Castle2. You're right that my gambling got out of control due to not facing up to life problems. I was having a horrendous time and was looking for all the "private" ways of numbing myself that I could find, and then got addicted.

Even in the heart of a trance of gambling I knew on some level I was deliberately avoiding "feeling" but it seemed like the best option compared with the alternative. Now I know of course that it wasn't, but I've forgiven myself for making that enormous mistake as I was in extreme need at the time.

However, as it was an addiction it persisted even after life got better again (life always does get better, by the way, in case someone's reading who is in doubt), and it's no good telling myself I "need" it like I told myself at the beginning, as I now have the strength to work on abstinence and recovery.

Now my aim is to face reality (hence the name of this diary) in all ways: not only facing the reality of my addiction to playing *********** for money (I don't even want to mention the name of my poison in case it triggers someone, or myself), and facing the reality of having to say that I can never play normally and have to stop NOW, but also facing the reality of life and my feelings, and knowing that running away from everything gets me nowhere. Makes it worse, in fact.

Anyway, this is day 21 and I am confident I'll be celebrating a full 3 weeks not gambling by midnight tonight. I spent the afternoon in the dentist's chair and yet today was a great day - why? Because I didn't gamble. 🙂

Hi Feetforward,

Well done on the 3 wks gamble free. It is good 2 read how positive u r feeling.

U r doing brilliant!

Stay strong and keep going 🙂

Day 28 so by the end of today if I don't gamble - and I intend not to - that'll be 4 weeks.

I am struggling today. We are moving house and I'm hugely stressed, but have a lot of time just sitting around (waiting for workmen etc) which is a very bad combination. It's a very good thing I have no money as I am feeling the urge to gamble. But een the fact I have no money hasn't stopped me before so I'm feeling quite vulnerable.

I am also not on my usual PC as the hard drive fell over on Friday. That means I am currently using another machine and I'm not sure whether I have a block on this one or not. (As you can tell, I haven't got as far as checking. This is good.) Feeling shaky like I need my "fix" of my game and somewhere to escape to for an hour or two.

The trouble is I still know all the reasons why I cannot, should not, must not gamble, but they don't seem to have that emotional "charge" to them that they did have. When I get the urge like this, I still know all the reasons why I shouldn't, but they just don't seem to matter. I can't remember WHY they matter. It's 4 weeks since I last felt horrendous because I gambled, and that makes it less easy to remember why I mustn't, as well.

So basically having that "What harm can it do?" evil worm in my brain that I've had so many times before. The reply goes "You KNOW what harm it does, it does it every time" but then it comes back with "Yeah but you need it" or "Yeah but it's only money" or "Yeah but it feels amazing sometimes". All piling in on top of each other, drowning out the rational brain.

If I get through today and make it to 29, 30 days (and through the house move!!) I will be very proud.

HI Feetforward,

In the early days I did the "Just for the next hour i will not gamble", Ride through the urges, Keep very busy. Dont let that voice drag you back to the start, Back to the depths of despair. When the urges say "It wont hurt" its lies, It will hurt because you cant stop. Be strong, every hour or minuet that you dont act on them and fight them off makes you stronger.

Keep yourself busy, Stay Focused on what your trying to achive.

Blondie x

Thanks Blondie, it helps. You're so right that those voices are LIES. And it's the "depths of despair" all right, that's definitely where I would be going.

After I wrote that last message I had a cup of tea and a Tunnock's marshmallow teacake (!!) and went for a massage which I had booked earlier, knowing I was stressed. It was lovely and it crossed my mind as I lay there how little it was costing me compared with two minutes of playing my ridiculous addictive poisonous game.

I feel a lot of relief. My time is pretty much occupied now for the rest of the day so I feel the danger has passed this time. Yippee!

Congratulation on making 4 weeks! I also get little voices in my head from time to time. They try and convince me that everything will be all right, it will be different this time; but I think we both no that gambling will always lead to misery.

Moving house is always stressful. Opting for a massage was definitely the best option. I hope the rest of your week is just as relaxing. All the best. Keep up the good work.

Thanks Westsider. 🙂

I made it through - 30 days yesterday and a month under my belt.

The move went great. Yes it was stressful and a huge amount of work but nothing like the stress of being stuck in front of my computer in a gambling frenzy. Nothing is as horrible as that. And I've got a lovely new home to enjoy and focus on. New start. I have never gambled under this roof and intend to continue keeping it "clean".

Thanks to everyone for being here. Thinking of you all as we share this struggle and our triumphs and low days.

By the end of today I'll have made it to 5 weeks without gambling. 35 days of peace.

I got close a couple of days ago. Very close. I followed a cashback offer (which is what got me started in online casinos in the first place) because I fooled myself into thinking I could deposit £35 and get £50 cashback. "Guaranteed return!" Yeah right. I know full well I would lose that £35 in ten seconds, then because it hadn't given me "enough action" I would deposit hundreds more off a credit card before stopping. The number of times I have done this you wouldn't believe (actually you probably would if you're on this forum!) and every time I've told myself "this time it will be different". Of course not.

Luckily my account was automatically "frozen" when I joined (presumably I'd already got an account at another place in the same group, I dunno) and rather than contacting their customer services to get the account active, as it recommended, I stopped and emailed them to tell them I am a CG and want to self-exclude.

So today I am only in the same smallish amount of debt I was on Friday (hundreds) and no more. It would have been thousands before I stopped, I know it would. I would probably still be sitting here now gambling desperately trying to claw back losses, with my heart pounding and my eyes burning and my stomach churning, instead of having spent the weekend enjoying the sun and doing gentle domestic tasks and enjoying my family.

It was a narrow escape which has left me a bit shaky.

I get an urge like that when I don't THINK I'm worrying about money but actually I am underneath. It's as if I do the conscious worrying at other times, and then when my brain's not focussed on money I think gambling is "safe" or just "playing" whereas actually underneath I'm still anxious about money and want the possibility of instant income. (Which of course gambling will never give me because it is designed to make me lose and I will always lose even if I apparently temporarily "win".) It's like my brain tricks me.

Once again all the good reasons why I'm stopping gambling faded into the background when faced with the temptation of playing the game I'm addicted to, again. It's frightening.

Anyway in the end, I'm very glad this is day 35 and not day 1 or 2 again as it would have been.

FF

Day 39 and bad urges again. Things are a bit sh** at home; family trouble, don't know what I can say or how much I can stand up for myself without crossing the line into being unfair to everyone else. An eternal problem for me. And I've been under the weather all week and don't have the strength to just shake off my worries.

I just want to hibernate. Can feel all the old feelings of "I just want to feel better". Want to go somewhere I feel okay. It's as simple as that but it can lead to such misery.

Oh, I dunno. I did some baking 🙂 but need a lot of other distractions today!