Facing reality AT LAST

Hi all

Haven't been here for ages. I do think of you.

Been gambling on and off. Tackling it very slowly but trying to get to the heart of the matter. In the end, for all it's terrifying, I know I will have to address the underlying issues, as my completely sincere attempts to stop long-term are not working.

I have FINALLY told my partner about it. I'm still a bit stunned as it was only last night, and I'd been imagining telling him for so long, that I can hardly believe I've actually done it. But I have! And I didn't wait until he "found me out" (which is what I'd been saying to myself... well if he actually asks me I'll tell him... well if he discovers my debts I'll tell him... all the excuse-making stuff). I just told him.

He was completely amazing. And I know I shouldn't be surprised - he's a wonderful guy, and I asked myself, if he "confessed" a problem like that to me, how would I react, and the answer was of course I'd be 100% supportive. So I took the plunge, and he was just so understanding and supportive. I'm sure it helps that we don't share bank accounts, so he doesn't have to deal with, say, anger about me wasting his/joint money, and I know that might be a factor for some people. But now I'm "on the other side", I'm totally joining the chorus of people here who say, if you haven't told your nearest & dearest, TELL THEM! They know you are only human and they want you to be happy and to help you. They'll be glad that your moods (that they will have noticed) aren't to do with them!

I've tried so many things to free myself from this addiction and I've had a lot of periods where I've been fine, but have always gone back, and I really think this is an important step for proper long-term recovery. I'm also going back to regular therapy, committing to that long-term so that I don't just think "Oh I feel fine now" and stop going, which I've done before.

So massively relieved. Wanted to share this so that anyone wavering and torturing themselves (like I have for, ooh, six/seven years) can get another bit of evidence that it really is a good thing to do.

Good wishes to all. FF

Checking in again a couple of months later.

It's taking me ages to get it into my head that IT'S NOT A SECRET ANY MORE. My partner's helped me a lot with securing better blocks against gambling online, he's a computer genius so that's been good. And just great to get it out of my hands - in a way. But I keep forgetting that he knows. So many years of keeping secrets, it becomes a habit. And I still get all squirmy when he mentions anything to do with it (not that he does often, and he certainly never makes me feel bad about it). On some level I am still in denial.

Still, I'm forging ahead with therapy, have had some "in the meantime" sessions until I can see the woman I've seen before on a regular basis, and that's been good. Got a lot of work to do, and it's weird that it's work, because it all makes me feel better, but I definitely notice myself wanting to avoid doing it. But this is a long-term thing, got to just keep putting in the effort. I have a lot of stamina which has been proven in other things so I just need to keep going and be a friend to myself.

I miss "the thrill", I wish I could say that that's not true. I KNOW it's a lie, I know it's horrible fear and stress that I was misinterpreting as "the thrill" and a lot of the time it was just incredibly boring, but of course my brain just remembers the wins that made it all light up like a fairground... I am working on appreciating life more so that I don't fall into that "desperate for a thrill" place, but I know some of the feeeling at this point is literally the chemicals getting rebalanced. I have read that after 6 months to a year things can feel different (and actually I know this frm experience) but I must be careful not to feel "I'm okay now" when that time comes.

Feeling repetitive now but at least I'm not writing saying I've lapsed. The main big difference in life now is that IT'S NOT A SECRET ANY MORE and I have actually told a couple more people about it since my partner. Every time, it helps a bit more. The shame is terrible but it's totally internal to me - every single person I've told has been nothing but supportive.

I keep thinking I'll feel better when I've paid off my gambling debts but I'm also a bit afraid that I'll be hit by complacency at that point. I need to work on that.

Thinking of everyone here, remember you don't have to turn to gambling today. FF