Festina Lente

Just got back from taking Maisie and her friend fishing, her friend caught two fish and she was ecstatic. So good when you see how simple pleasures in life can light up kids faces. We lose that, I feel as we get older. We become entrenched, settled, too comfortable.

I'm either being kind or stupid but I'm allowing them to stay up till 11 and talk (is that too late? I can't remember being nine).

Got my sense of money back now, it feels obscene to throw money away gambling. At one stage it meant nothing to do so. Just numbers, huge sums in one go, no feeling, just wanting to bet again, get that buzz again. Tomorrow is Saturday, my old gambling day, used to jump out of bed and run round the garden like a lunatic, best day of the week. Not like that anymore, don't wake up like a five year old but I'll still have a much better day. Goodnight all, sleep well, Steve.

That's my fatherly duties done and dusted for another week. No more Maisie till Wednesday. Really quiet now, a nice quiet thankfully. For years it was a miserable quiet, empty. When you go through a split it's emotionally upsetting. It happened right after her birth, truthfully I wasn't too concerned about the relationship, it was agonisingly bad but I was gutted that I wasn't there full time watching her grow up. I didn't self destruct though or feel sorry for myself. There were some low moments but I protected myself from these. I never drank for the first five years in case I never stopped only went back to it when I knew all the hurt had gone. Still gambled though, no rain nor shine would stop that. Threw myself into work, worked three jobs, took on more work in my holidays. Always kept busy. Took on everything offered to me, still gambled though, work paid for it so why not? Lovely escapism.

Things are different now, emotionally everything is settled again. Rather than misery it's now just content tiredness. No more gambling either, that is a bonus, long, long, long may it continue.

Going to catch up on some sleep, then spend the afternoon reading some Kipling. Haven't got an urge in the world or a restless mind now whatsoever. I like these peaceful moments too, glad I no longer need to fill them with distractions, everything is good, hope everything is good with you all too. Keep strong, Steve Day 86 and counting.

Hi Steg,

Hope you are well and recovering from your fishing trip with the girls.

Didn't do what I thought I was going to do but maybe doing what I thought I was going to do last night.... tonight. Sat here with a glass of SC and watching "War Horse".... looks like ther's a chance I'll have to join the BBs if even one single tear wells up in my eyes... Football seasons gonna be startin' soon... '....

I had a similar experience, I parted from my children's mother early on... but I always knew they would end up living with me, and sure enough 4 years ago that happened.

You sound like a totally different person to one that is implied in your brief description of circumstances in the past. It is good to hear that you can relax... I think that is difficult for many to do... to find some peace,.. maybe we have to go through s**t to understand what true peace is.... then again I could be talking a load of cr**.

Anyway.. hope your evening is going well...

Jon

The fishing trip was great thanks Jon, I was so pleased when she caught those two fish. They both fish better than me, which is annoying.

Drank my 'Father's day' bottle of wine last night whilst watching the tennis (wasn't it good? Or was it the wine and strawberries and cream I was devouring). I'm a lousy drinker, it's the age I think, no good at it anymore. This morning I felt a little delicate. I won't be drinking again for a while that's for sure, missed all my car boot sales, I probably missed a faberge egg or a Rembrandt or two, well it is in Liverpool so you never know. The weather is lousy, where's our summer? Not bored though, plenty to do and catch up on. Not miserable either, feel good. It's now, let me see, 87 days since I last gambled. No real urges for a while as well. Brilliant. Even last night in my drunken stupor I never once thought about a sneaky sly bet. Checked my pockets for bettings slips this morning just to be sure for in the past, after a drink or two, I would cycle into town like a clown to place a bet, popping drunken wheelies along the way in all that excitement. Never last night, never even considered it, that's progress. More than happy with my bottle of Jacob's, strawberries and cream. Keep strong, Steve

Good day to you Steg,

Sounds like we are in the same boat today, post alcohol regret... but not too much really.

Hillage... Steve Hillage? Saw him at lancaster Uni when I was about 15, and went to Knebworth in '79 to see Led Zep... blurry memories both... was 33 years ago.

So what's been your best carboot find? Not including all the faberges, piccassos or 8th century gold necklasses...

I bought 3 videos for £3 and sold them on fleabay for £72.. that was about 12 years ago. Recently made about £50 on some golf clubs I bought.. and still got the bag to sell.

We should make a list of things to look for. Often see old wood fishing rods... if there's anything you are particlarly looking for, in the fishing area..? Anyway, going to get back to my enjoyable boring day watching series... might read my present Terry Pratchett.."Snuff".. need to finish it... not been reading much lately.

Hope you are well mate.

Jon

Day 88, all is ok, no gambling desire, although yesterday I did think about the amount of effort, mentally, I put into my betting. I'd spend hours upon hours checking data and stats. Horses ages, ground, weight, jockey, trainers, owners, time, draw, type of race, chance of a fiddle, course statistics, favourite statistics. Then I'd check the twitter accounts of jockeys and trainers for a sniff of information. Check websites, phones around gathering as much info or whispers as possible. When my homework was done I'd lump on and feel good that I'd given myself a more than decent chance. It really had become a job to me, a high risk one which consumed too much time and emotion. I never just picked horses names or colours.

So if I miss anything from gambling it's probably the mental stimulation. It's nearly a year today that I resigned from teaching, determined to take a year out in order to get myself back fit again. I promised myself that I would be totally committed, to not be sidetracked by offers of work or going off to do something else. I said that I'd do 5 day sessions of 2-3 hours in the gym per week with swims and I've stuck to it religiously. It's been tiring but rewarding. Physically I'm a lot better, not back to where I was but there's hope. In all this time I've not done anything mentally, which is completely new to me. Growing up I would push myself intellectually as much as possible. I wanted to understand everything about myself and this world, sometimes I wonder if I pushed myself too hard. Yet I came from a background where my mum and dad couldn't read or write and I wanted something different. So in this year I've become mentally flabby, I won't say my brain's turned to fat because it already was. I've got less than two months left before I place myself back in the market looking for work. Can't wait, mentally I'll be worn out again and physically I'll be in better shape. In the meantime I've enjoyed the year with Maisie better, gave her my undivided attention for a change, I feel better over that. Maybe next year I'll just go part time so I can look after her properly from Wednesday onwards instead of rushing and chasing my tail. Something I'll consider. Better go, Monday morning, start of the week's physio. Smile on my face. No gambling miseries to distract me only the everyday challenges in life which I'm facing. Over but not out, Steve (Steg)

Hi Steg, Day 88 wow mate well done.

You are a determined man who set himself some goals for your physicall recovery and stuck to them, you have also thrown no gambling into that equation and are 88 days in and going strong. Go easy on yourself your not a mental loafer you have tackled some massive things in this time, I have found that when spinning to many plates something somewhere will smash, so i keep the most important ones going first.

You have focus and choices for the future which is a good place to be in, No distractions and no wasted energy or time on gambling.

Enjoy your day, say hello to helga the physio or have i been watching to many films 🙂

Blondie 🙂 x

Hi there Steg,

You are one determined man, and I hope you can make it back into the classroom sooner rather than later. Going on supply would not be a bad way to start.. bits here and there, still some choice... then maybe a terms contract somewhere, preparing to get back into the swing of things... and get your feet in the door etc.

Ways to stimulate the brain:

1. Read some Terry Pratchett

2. Learn to play Bridge

3. Read some more Terry Pratchett

or read this:

http://ririanproject.com/2007…-to-keep-your-brain-in-shape/

I like number 15 and await to hear what "miniature" you're going to build ;O).... surprised it doesn't mention Terry Pratchett.

As to Terry Pratchett... werewolves, vampires, wizards, witches, DEATH, Gargoyles, goblins, dwarves etc.... almost put me off, didn't like the sound of it... but it's not like that. The books are laugh out loud funny sometimes, and he has a way of describing things... give them a go, with your sense of humour I suspect they will be right up your street. DEATH is my favourite character... In "Morte" he decides he wants out.. a different job.. goes to the job broker

I USHERED SOULS INTO THE NEXT WORLD. I WAS THE GRAVE OF ALL HOPE. I

WAS THE ULTIMATE REALITY. I WAS THE ASSASSIN AGAINST WHOM NO LOCK

WOULD HOLD.

- "Yes, point taken, but do you have any particular skills?"

He also goes "Fyshyng" as he tries to find out what fun is.

Anyway.. don't want to put you off.

Hope you are well .

Jon

Don't want to put this idea in your head... but..

Granny Weatherwax

Nanny Ogg

Magrat

...............................

Rach ( Dotty )

Blondie

Dusty Fairy

Could just be a coincidence? I am saying nothing ;O)

Charlie's Angels Jon and you're Bosley!

Sheeeeeet... I am starting to look like him too.

Anyways... thinking of changing my thread title... my name.... my address..... gonna adopt out my chilfren and become a postman ( always fancied that... headphones on of course)... and move to East Lanarkshire... may have stirred the wrath of the BBs... never knew wikipedia went into so much detail.

You play the guitar... I do too... a little. My son is better than me now. Did you listen to the one I posted of him singing on my drunk posting night. It's the one that says... "this is my son"... I think. It's a cover... but the other one on soundclousd is one he wrote himself.

Must get back to trying to find a leavers song... tried: Genesis.... fading lights... nope. Looked at Ed Sheeran... lyrics not quite right..... Nickleback... Photograph.... says "hell" and "God".... CE school.... may have to use one I have used before.

Can't get the image of Bosely out of my mind... surely it should be Farah or Cheryl Lad I am thinking of... cheers mate!

Jon

PS: "Granny's remedies, made from simple, honest, and generally nearly poisonous herbs and roots, were amazing things. After one dose of stomache-ache jollop, you made sure you never complained of stomach ache ever again. In its way, it was a sort of cure."

Hmmmmmmm

Right you two rascals. It's no good whispering in corners the BBs will still hear you.

No matter how loud you play your music !

Uncanny:

Here follows the first paragraphs of "Wyrd Sisters"

The wind howled. Lightening stabbed at the earth erratically, like an inefficient assassin. Thunder rolled back and forth across the dark rain-lashed s k y .

The night was as black as the inside of a cat. It was the kind of night, you could believe, on which gods moved men as though they were pawns on the chessboard of fate. In the middle of this elemental storm a fire gleamed among the dripping furze bushes like the madness in a weasle's eye. It illuminated three hunched figures. As the cauldron bubbled an eldritch voice shrieked: "When shall we three meet again?""

There was a pause.

Finally another voice said, in far moore ordinary tones: " Well, I can do next Tuesday"

Day 89, don't want to gamble, will not gamble. Everything good. Keep strong, Steve.

Morning Steve,

Great post today! A few times recently I've been able to put something similar and it's a great feeling! No gambling, no desire to gamble, not wanting to gamble! Find it interesting following peoples recovery and noticing similar patterns! You are a couple of days ahead of me but it seems we are at a similar stage of kicking this thing in the teeth!

Keep going strong, and keep playing those ladies up they love it!!

Flagg