Festina Lente

200 and not out fair play 2 u mucker hope ur enjoying ur week off savour every minute time flies hopfuly ur geting a bit of fishing in before the seasons over and a frys cream haha.

Steve i admire u and i dare say il be admiring messi 2 mara nite im just hoping we dont concede in the first 5 mins haha barca wer 2-0 up in 7 mins away to deportivo on sat nite.

U know the craic wer just hapi 2 b there itl b gud craic no matter wots the score but yea starting 2 get nervously excited v proud of them atm!

Take care

Hi Ronnie, yes it's just good to be able to play in games like but you never know if you play tight and lock them in their changing rooms before kick off then you've got a good chance of sneaking a result. Seriously though I'd love you to and I'll be definitely cheering them on. Take care Ronnie, hope you've fed that cat and broken in your new sneakers, don't play football in them though cos you'll ruin them unless your like Liam Brady and the ball just sticks to your left foot. You're too young to remember that genius Ronnie, showing my age again.

Take care

Steve

Ah f**k I've gone and posted on me own *** thread instead of Ronnies! I'm goin to bed with a sulk on now.

Mr. Bumble

Haha ur sum craic!

Life is good, felt tired and pretty drained all day, yet, life on the surface is still good. Felt knackered in the gym, got through it but couldn't swim as far as I wanted to. Kept thinking of Indian takeaways whilst swimming underwater, it was so off putting, got out and searched the bottom of my bag for discarded pumpkin seeds and the odd raison. Went home and nodded off for a few hours. Got Maisie tomorrow, just booked tickets online for Hotel Transalvania, can't wait. Boilers gone too, not literally, its still there, just dead or sleeping, I don't know but an engineer will sort it tomorrow. He'd better come before the pictures cos I aint missin that. Pretty cold at the mo, might have to close a couple of windows and get dressed. Going to end the day with 12 ice cream wafers, my all time best is 16 but I aint goin to break that record tonight because I don't want to lower my core temperature and I aint got dat many wafers. I never gambled today cos i wuz kippin, dreamin of nice food and going on aeroplanes which was nice. Footy time....ta, ta.

Thanks 4 the post steve.

1 gud thing about being a cg was it prepared me well 4 2nite it was funny in the 93rd minute i started thinking about having the 500 on real madraid at ht / ft in feb when cska scord in the 93rd min and then bang barca scored2nite but thats life as u said b4 theres always next week i took the result well thats progress in itsellf the glass is still half full i think.

Btw wit ur genes ur kinda 1 of the bhoys any wonder u wer disapointed

Hail Hail

Hi Steve

Nice mix Indian gym , Indian food , swimmin and ice cream with wafers lol , better thoughts than those of long ago

Was goin to see that film hotel Transylvania on Sunday but daughter wasn't bothered , then heard yesterday from someone else that it was brilliant so will take her soon , am sure u will av a great time think like me just spendin time with them is all that matters

Hope u get that boiler fined as they say its gonna snow on Friday , at least u will be able to leave the ice cream out lol

Enjoy the film

Castle2

Yo,

Mr Steg thank you for being my wing man .

Enough said

Shiny xxxxxxx

hi steve

carl

Just put Maisie to bed, she's snoring her head off now, I don't need a DNA test to know she's mine, those deafening adenoids have got my genes all over them. A good if quiet day. Ate too many skittles at the cinema, felt like running up and down the aisle in the intermission with the other kids. The engineer can't fix the boiler till Friday which is a slight inconvenience. Bas**rds. Took Maisie for a walk before around a lake, very peaceful, lovely moon, the dark woods put her on edge a bit but I find it very tranquil. All in all a good day where nothing really eventful happened. That's life and I'm not complaining.

Night night all

Steve

Steve.

Fella, thanks for your post the other day, I dont know why I have not crossed your diary before, Well I will say, I hope after reading your diary,this, I hope you have gained as much from it as I did.

Humour is something so valuable to life,if we cant laugh at ourselves!!

your efforts i hope keep rewarding you through into the 200's now a great feeling I know, the distance we can daily put between us and this all consumed s**t of an addiction the better for all.

Just for today lets better tomorrow,No bet.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

(as a regular tramadol user,also back trouble,I share my deepest sympathy!! and know only too well how they became the title of a comedt show!!!!)

Boiler man has finally arrived and is busy working away. Not before time either! Last night was cold too, so cold that I wished I was next to a hot woman, not someone like Felicity Kendal but preferably a large woman, going through the menopause and having constant flushes. They're never around when you need one.

Wait! I can hear something firing up, it seems as if the engineer has weaved his magic. The last time I tried to fix my boiler I lost my eyebrows and fringe and was flash burned. I smelt like smokey bacon crisps for days. The rule I learnt was, when working with gas use a torch to see not a lighter. I was only young.

Incidentally and I feel as if I must mention this, the committment to not gambling is still going strong, can't believe I've got through the Grand National and a summer of racing without writing out a betting slip, seriously can't believe it. Mentally I feel great, never better. Now it's time to murder the engineer and place him with all the rest. Bye for now.

Serial Steve

hahahah.. Save you paying him eh ?.

Felicity Kendal, o*g i cant believe she doesnt get your blood rushing.

I find jumping up and down does it for me.. Ya know helps you keep warm, anyways great news the boiler is fixed now.... Get the marshmellows out lol .

Enjoy your sauna.

Blondie x

Day 206, last 2 nights I've slept really well, which is a Godsend because I have more energy and feel great. Nothing worse than existing on 4 hours night after night. Felt quite frustrated yesterday evening in the sense that I wanted to go out and get hammered, have a good time and over indulge somewhat. Maybe it was that 'bad influence Blondie' lol. Needless to say I restrained but I haven't had a good blow out in months now, instead I've been very regimented in my approach to diet and exercise. I've approached it with the same determination as I've approached non gambling resulting in losing about 10kg whilst increasing muscle mass. I've always need to have a challenge and feel under pressure, doing this the last three months has helped but I do think I need and I'm looking forward to a really good binge sometime soon. Nearly completed my 'channel swim' challenge to. I think the record is 8 hours or so, whereas its taken me over 8 weeks, less than 300 lengths to go now. It's all a matter of fitting the time in.

Every Saturday, or most at least, my sisters nieces and grandchildren go and visit my mother which is always very nice. I've been blessed with a good, close caring family and we've always looked out for one another. Yesterday though I nearly died, one of my sisters bought us all a lottery ticket. Nearly chinned her but after a deep breath I explained that I didn't agree with gambling now and that even if it was a winner I wouldn't be interested in it, which is true by the way. My philosophy now is be happy with the simple things in life and what you have. So I think my Mam got two.

Anyway I think this led to quite an anxious dream last night. I dreamt I put on a small bet in the bookies. The feeling of disappointment in doing so was overwhelming, all I could think of was 'now I'm going to have to own up on GC.' I was so relieved when I realised it was nothing more than a dream. I'm very pleased with my abstinence so far, not by any means complacent just pleased. My mind and my emotions are strong at the moment, yes urges come along and test me but I beat them down with impunity with thoughts of consequences should I entertain them. I feel at the moment that I could handle any temptation with the rational I'm constantly reinforcing. I'm not delusional though, I know there will be huge temptations ahead of me but being aware of this makes you stronger and every day I grow, I become wiser. Recently some people have decided to opt out of this forum for their own valid reasons. I on the other hand certainly have no intention of doing so. It's worked for me, it works for me, it keeps me strong. I'm not a great contributor, I keep my emotional involvement to a minimal because that protects me, it doesn't mean I'm a selfish or uncaring person, it just a practical decision. I get real benefit from reading other people's journeys, they act as both inspiration and warning. I enjoy the camaraderie and support as well as the shared understanding. Additionally, I value the process and capability where I have the chance to expunge my feelings and thoughts, no matter how crazy or emotional they are onto a medium which is my own. This process is very carthartic and crucial to my recovery, I don't feel judged and furthermore I never really care because its my own diary and its primarily for myself. Once it's in cyberspace, it's gone, forgotten, out of my system. For this reason I've never re read my diary for fear of rethinking or revisiting an older (although younger) more damaged self. My diary is more instinctive as opposed to reflective, this works for my type of personality.

Work is going well, still on supply but I don't mind, I've always shirked committmant and liked uncertainty. I always said I wasn't going to go back into the art world but I renegade on that affirmation and agreed to give three days of demonstrations in late Nov early Dec what's worse is, secretly I'm quite looking forward to it. It's nice not knowing how something will turn out, also the pay will be good and these events always use the best materials, there's nothing worse than being festooned in shi*e.

Well I'm off now, going to put all my energies into the gym now, then a swim. I'm not going to gamble today, I could easily do it if I wanted to but I choose not to because I have the strength and the foresight to visualise the consequences. I want to end this epic mountain of self indulgent drivel to personally thank Gamcare for giving me the opportunity to be able to do this. If it wasn't for this organisation I wouldn't know where I'd be, they facilitate by giving us the opportunity to recover in our own individual way. I am grateful and it's this outlet which has been instrumental in my abstinence and recovery in beating this addiction and becoming someone I like again, confident, assured and full of pride.

Time to sweat.

Steve

Some of my family still buy lottery tickets and I accept this. They will never become compulsive gamblers and the dream of getting the jackpot is still alive for them.

The dream of getting the jackpot is over for us ... in a way. By not gambling ever again, the dream of a wonderful life is very much alive.

Far better than a so-called 'jackpot', eh?!

NT