Festina Lente

Sorry to hear of your 'itches' but really pleased to hear that you are staying well, well away from this evil world which we call gambling.

That alone has to be a lot better than anything else in life, eh?

NT

Just for the record, I've done terrible things in my life, I am and probably always will be a CG but thankfully, just for the moment, I haven't got hemeroids. God bless you Mike but my last comment got lost in translation. I'm blushing as I write this but on a positive note.......

The football starts tonight! Hooray, let's hope it isn't marred by stupid racism and is remembered for all the right reasons, now where did I put that Anusol?

Hooray for the football too!

I just hope that it is not completely overrun by links to gambling.

NT

Hi Steve,

Sorry 2 read that ur legs were not 2 good, I hope the pain killers helped.

U r doing brilliant and ur strength and determination shines thru.

And u never fail 2 make me smile, so again thanks 🙂

Stay strong x

I feel as high as a kite. Scared to have a shave in case I miss and cut my nose off

Tramodol.... or Anusol? Don't get them mixed up whatever you do... then you really would feel a "buzz"

Hope you are well today, strong and determined.

Your posts made me smile... some of them.

Jon

HI Ste,

G.A Say you take away whats relevent in the rooms and leave the rest behind, (Excuse the pun lol ). But the guilt thing, i think you take away the lesson that may of been you with the gambling goggles on, but it certainly isnt now.

I so enjoy reading your posts and as ive said before they do make me smile. Hope the leg gets better soon.

Blondie day 46

Morning Steve, thanks for ur compliments on mine. Sorry the fishing didn't go too well and that your hobbling a bit, those Tramadol are strong, I go into lala land with 1 cocodamol, so I can imagine where your head is !!!

I know its hard when others see us in the one light, that they associate our generosity with winning, but give it time friend, you have the peace of mind in knowing that the gifts are given with honest money and love, the more time passes they will get to see that you're not gambling. Frustrating I know, but unless you manage to just drop little hints here and there and sow the seeds in their minds, then its a waiting game buddy.

Just remember, you can sleep at nite with a mind free of gambling and all the torments it brings, so (if ur legs can hack it) stand loud and proud my friend, you are a true inspiration.

Get the feet up, chillax 🙂 Come on England !!

Cameron

You're so right Cameron about sleeping at night. To be honest though, I don't want to tell anyone in case I fail again. It feels ten times as bad for me when I feel I let others down. I just can't get used to not gambling for so long, it's a really strange but lovely sense of freedom. Maybe in time when I feel more confidence in my recovery I'll tell them. In the meantime ill just shrug off their joking comments (my family are lovely, in a kind way, not physically, my sisters look like they've escaped from Prisoner Cell Block H). One day I'll tell them all about this struggle, not yet though, not ready.

Steve

Hi Steve

Thank you so much for your kind post this morning. Everything you described is almost exactly how it was for me.. you're right, it's a cruel illness and really hard to witness on someone you worship.. and I worshipped my dad!

I guess we all have demons we need to exorcise and it has taken me this long to even realise why my head is so messed up. But, I do feel more hopeful that I can start to at least forgive myself and move on.. I know it's what my dad would want.

Sorry to hear you're not feeling too well, I hope you feel better soon.

Take care Steve and thanks again.

Lmm

Hello Steve

Hope you are feeling a lot better now, I just want to respond to your fri 4am entry about being reminded who you were and how people see you. I since yesterday, for some reason have begun to resent (mildly) coming here and doing whatever I used to, encourage, advise, fill diary, but I couldnt work out why all of a sudden I felt like that, reading your entry, could it be it reminds us of who we were and who we are trying to distant ourselves from? If that be the case, then I think it is a stage that we will have to work through, you and I know what changes are going on in our heads and hearts and we just have to be patient for these to filter through completely into our everyday lives, we cant be upset if people look at us and see 30 years of gambling, because we have 2 weeks or 9 weeks of abstaining.

We just need to keep on doing what we are doing and sooner or later, those around us will realise that we have become different people. The question I ask myself is, have I truly turned the corner and today if I were answering the question, my answer would have to be not yet. That does not mean that I want to have a bet or that I am even slightly interested in having a bet, today, but I cant vouch for next week (probably can) and definitely not next month. I see the addictive side of me trying to come out in other areas, so until I can come to terms with controlling that monster, I will still feel uneasy within me.

Not sure, if I made the sense I was trying to, but just for today I choose not to gamble, stay strong my friend and hope you work through those feelings,

John

Hi Steve, I understand where your coming from totally re the feeling of letting anyone down. We have high standards us gamblers, and that may sound hypocritical to some, but its true. We fear failure, and maybe thats a result of years of disappointment with losing bets. We're high when we're winning and low when we're losing, thats why our brains are all over the place. The highs and lows when gambling take over our minds and spills into our everyday lives, and thats not something that we can just wipe away in one fell swoop, we have to de-program ourselves, and desensitise our brains. There is so much involved to stopping gambling. Its not just the physical act of gambling, its the mental side of it thats tough, and I think your descrambling just now, your full of doubts, not about gambling but about how your gonna be percieved for not gambling, and may I just say friend , you are not alone. But hang in there, coz the fog will clear, and if you really feel you have to say something about stopping, then just say you're having a break from it, that way you're not committing yourself to anyone, and the longer you stay gamble free the longer your 'break' will be - if u get my drift.

To broadcast 'I HAVE STOPPED' is a huge statement to live up to, whereas 'IM HAVING A BREAK FROM IT' gives you time to get some inner strength to face the world.

Sorry if that all sounds a bit garbled and I hope you can make head or tail of it !!!

All the Best

Cameron

Wise words indeed Cameron and I can totally relate to it. The only people who know and understand about my personal journey is myself and you lot, and, for the time being, that's all the support I need and responsibility I can handle. I certainly am someone who rarely opens up and asks for help from those close to me. Always been a bit stubborn, did things my own way. That's not all bad, being an individual is good but sometimes you can isolate yourself too much for your own good.

Day 65, and I'm feeling good, no drugs today so I'm feeling less 'one flew over the cuckoo's nest.' slight pain but enough movement to keep me smiling.

Never going to gamble today, it's about 437 on the list of things 'I must do,' used to be number 1 but it's fell down the charts like a bad record. Glad I'm not humming that tune constantly now or singing it's lyrics over and over in my head.

Used to think I couldn't survive without gambling, I am and I have. Used to think I couldn't survive financially without winning money, I am and I have. In fact, ironically I feel under less pressure financially now even though I'm on a fraction of what I once earned.

Gambling deluded you, makes you lie to yourself, makes you justify the unjustifiable. Call it's bluff, send it packing, stop let it feeding off you financially, emotionally and chronologically. It turns you into a slave, sub human, frightened, dependant, reclusive miserable yet it masquerades as your best friend.

Today I'm going to a party and I'm going to eat a lot of cake, I'm going for a swim with my daughter with a smile on my cake covered face then I'm going to relax and watch a bit of football. Perfect. Take care all. Remember, I can't even have a tiny bet. I have to hate the idea of it, if you don't feel revulsion then it'll be love. The sick love you once had for it which nearly destroyed you and everything important to you. Keep strong, don't forgive it, Steve (one bet away from oblivion and despair)

Hi Steve

That might just win you the 'post of the day' award!!!

If anyone on here needs any confirmation of why they must stay away from the demon, then your post is a 'must read'!

Have a great weekend.. enjoy your swim and the cake...!

Lmm

Morning Steve,

Good to see the pain is easing for you 😉

Eating cake then swimming , oh all them crumbs in the pool lol lol

Your soo right about how we were when gambling, i would spend whatever i had and what i didn't have and now with not alot of money it doesn't seem soo bad, it is ok as my mind is getting back to where it should be and gambling is no longer controlling everything i do.

We can start to see clearer now and although all the regrets are still there, saw numerous amounts of Range Rover sports as i was driving back from Cumbria and thought each time ' i could have had loads of them if i had'nt gambled all that money' but then patted my trusted focus and said that this is my life now so i've just got to get on with it!

Have a great bet free day Steve and hope the legs continue to feel a little easier for you

Smiling Lucy