Today is day 1 (for the 100th and hoping the final time) for me. Almost nine years of gambling and have lost over 250k including over 19k last night. Most of it borrowed money (re-mortgages, loans, etc) . Lots of starts and stops. Blocked myself everywhere in UK and then urges carried me to Europe where I lost a lot.
Each time I was kidding myself I’ll be in control but then I just lost it. Feeling numb right now and dreading the pain, shame and guilt that will eventually follow (and which I fully deserve)
This time I’ve decided enough is enough. No matter how much I will win, the Casino will eventually always win as I will keep gambling and ultimately losing.
Two ways this will end. Either I stop now or I stop when I lose everything that I still have.
I owe it to my sweet forgiving wife with whom I have shared everything and whose innocence I have taken advantage of repeatedly.
I am determined this time to stop this trail of selfishness and become the person she deserves.
What a horrible person I have become. Its time to look really hard at myself, accept the character defects I’ve developed and work on turning things around.
Debt is under control but if I don’t stop now I’ll ruin myself and lose everything. I need to keep this fear with me about gambling for the rest of my life of what a life and soul destroying addiction this is and how much life destroying delusion I get myself into.
Hello. I looked and seen that you’ve been on here since 2014. What have you tried before and what are you going to do differently this time. I understand after a heavy loss we feel that’s enough and I applaud you for starting again but I’m sure you know the pain doesn’t last. How can you make this the last time?
Chris.
Hi
It took me longer than 9 years to learn that gambling for me was a self destructive unhealthy habit.
It was important to learn and understand whay it was that I kept going back to gambling.
My Gambling and my obsessions only indicated that I was emotional vulnerable that turning to these unhealthy habits I was escaping in my fears from people life and situations I could not cope with.
In time I knew that I needed to take simple baby steps one at a time.
Each time I wasted my money and my time I was undermining myself, I had lost confidence and faith in myself.
In time I knew I needed to exchange each unhealthy habit with healthy habits.
My emotiona triggers were my pains I could not heal, fears I could not face, my unreasonable expectations I could not reduce, loneliness due to my fears of intimacy, and feelings of boredom due the fact I felt I did not feel worthwhile or productive in my life.
Money lost was gone nothing I could not do any thing about that, it was important to learn to forgive myself.
In time I handed over my fincances and was only going to have a very small amount on money on my person.
Money was the fuel for my addictions.
Money was never going to bring me happiness.
Money was never going to heal my pains.
For me the recovery program was abaout healing the pains and the hurt inner child in me.
The very last thing I want to do today is gamble.
For me the decision enough is enough was going to look after myself more.
How much time and affort am I willing to invest in to myself and my well being.
Feeling numb and not in touch with my feelings was emotional truama.
I no longer want to loose myself in those unhealthy habits.
Writing down my needs, my wants, and my goals was important for me.
It took a long time before we got to go on holidays, but once we paid back our debts holidays became a reward for living a much healthier life with out unhealthy habits.
I did not enjoy myself living in my fears.
So in time I would face my fears and be abale to do more with my life.
Learning to not beat our self up was very important.
In my recovery I was going to reduce causing myself any more pains.
Love and peace to everyone
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham UK
I really resonate with what you say about the character defects. Like you feel that you change as a person because of the addiction don't you.. it becomes all encompassing almost. Like it invades every bit of your life. You can do this!!!
Hi
It took me longer than 9 years to learn that gambling for me was a self destructive unhealthy habit.
It was important to learn and understand whay it was that I kept going back to gambling.
My Gambling and my obsessions only indicated that I was emotional vulnerable that turning to these unhealthy habits I was escaping in my fears from people life and situations I could not cope with.
In time I knew that I needed to take simple baby steps one at a time.
Each time I wasted my money and my time I was undermining myself, I had lost confidence and faith in myself.
In time I knew I needed to exchange each unhealthy habit with healthy habits.
My emotiona triggers were my pains I could not heal, fears I could not face, my unreasonable expectations I could not reduce, loneliness due to my fears of intimacy, and feelings of boredom due the fact I felt I did not feel worthwhile or productive in my life.
Money lost was gone nothing I could not do any thing about that, it was important to learn to forgive myself.
In time I handed over my fincances and was only going to have a very small amount on money on my person.
Money was the fuel for my addictions.
Money was never going to bring me happiness.
Money was never going to heal my pains.
For me the recovery program was abaout healing the pains and the hurt inner child in me.
The very last thing I want to do today is gamble.
For me the decision enough is enough was going to look after myself more.
How much time and affort am I willing to invest in to myself and my well being.
Feeling numb and not in touch with my feelings was emotional truama.
I no longer want to loose myself in those unhealthy habits.
Writing down my needs, my wants, and my goals was important for me.
It took a long time before we got to go on holidays, but once we paid back our debts holidays became a reward for living a much healthier life with out unhealthy habits.
I did not enjoy myself living in my fears.
So in time I would face my fears and be abale to do more with my life.
Learning to not beat our self up was very important.
In my recovery I was going to reduce causing myself any more pains.
Love and peace to everyone
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham UK
Thank you Dave for sharing this. I am thinking my route to recovery will be similar to yours. Wanting to learn and grow while progress along this difficult terrain.
I really resonate with what you say about the character defects. Like you feel that you change as a person because of the addiction don't you.. it becomes all encompassing almost. Like it invades every bit of your life. You can do this!!!
Thank you Starting Again. Feels good to have someone who can relate to this.
Hello. I looked and seen that you’ve been on here since 2014. What have you tried before and what are you going to do differently this time. I understand after a heavy loss we feel that’s enough and I applaud you for starting again but I’m sure you know the pain doesn’t last. How can you make this the last time?
Chris.
Thank you Chris for the reality check. I’ll need to make changes to my approach and mindset to make this the last Day 1.
You are right the pain I am feeling now regarding the loss will eventually go away or lessen but this recovery is going to be a lifetime activity.
Putting blocks in place do help and can only help you so far. For example blocking myself on all offline/online gambling sites in the UK did help. It gave me a peace of mind and helped me coping with my compulsive thoughts. I do believe this is vital for my recovery.
But my recovery needs much more than this. An unlearning, re-learning, fundamental understanding and change in my mindset which will keep me off gambling in places where such blocks may not be there. It basically means an relook of my life and learning.
I am going into this with my eyes open now, with a humble learning and open attitude and a willingness to tread an emotionally difficult terrain with hope and determination to come out the other end a transformed and grown person. Wish me luck.
Hi
I have heard of many persons talking about the buzz or the highs of our addiction.
For me the buzz or the highs of our addiction was very much adrenaline based.
The bigger the risk the bigger the buzz.
Even thinking that high or buzz was happiness.
The higher my fears were teh less emotional intimacy with myself and with other people.
I use to justify my lies thinking that if I win that would heal the pains I cauised myself and other people.
When I try to justify I am often cheating and hurting myself.
It was important to learn and understand whay it was that I kept going back to gambling.
My Gambling and my obsessions only indicated that I was emotional vulnerable that turning to these unhealthy habits I was escaping in my fears from people life and situations I could not cope with.
In my time in the recovery I found that my levels of fears were always high.
If some one told me that at some time in the future I would be gad that I was a compulsive gambler, how insane is that.
Yet now I understand that my addictions and obsessions got me to face myself and question why I was so unhealthy.
It was very hard for me to exchange each unhealthy habit with healthy habits.
Yet that had to be my own choice, to set boundaries for myself.
Earlier in my life I was most certainly a victim and was not able to set healthy boundaries for myself.
Each time I went back to my unhealthy habits I would learn what my emotiona triggers were my pains I could not heal, fears I could not face, my unreasonable expectations I could not reduce, loneliness due to my fears of intimacy, and feelings of boredom due the fact I felt I did not feel worthwhile or productive in my life.
I thought that some one or some thing would stop me gambling, that was not true, it was a healthy boundary I had to set for myself.
Money was not going to heal me, that money was going to make me happy ,that money was going to make me feel succesful in myself.
Money was never going to bring me happiness.
Money was never going to heal my pains.
The very last thing I want to do today is gamble.
How much time and affort am I willing to invest in to myself and my well being.
Feeling numb and not in touch with my feelings was emotional truama and not healthy for me.
I am committed to writing down my needs, my wants, and my goals was important for me.
How long to learn to love your self.
How long to learn to respect our self.
To each day decline to be unhealthy and not live in fear.
Love and peace to everyone
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham UK
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