First day

Day 2. Feeling pleased with myself because I didn't gamble yesterday - that's dangerous! Got on my manual treadmill for the first time in a few weeks. Did 4 'songs' on my Ipod. One seemed to sum up my relationship with gambling - Let it Rock, by Kevin Rudolf (strangely appropriate name for this time of the year!). The last line goes something like 'but I can't and I won't live a lie - no not this time'. Hope that turns out to be true for me. I know I gamble to fill the black hole inside. I DO get out. I volunteer a lot, I garden etc. I live alone, but if I am out of touch for a couple of days, one of the family will be on my case, wanting to know that I am still alive! Have made some huge mistakes in my life, and am on prozac for the 'family ailment' of depression. I enjoy the gambling, until the losses get too great, but I know it is destroying any self respect I have. Perhaps that is part of the problem? I dislike myself and if anyone praises me I feel that I don't deserve it, and gambling proves this to me? Sorry if anyone reads this 'ramble'. Can't talk about my problem to a 'live' person, so using this to try and understand why I gamble, and try to finally stop

Hi Mimicath,

Welcome to the recovery diaries, and well done on starting a journal.

You will get some great help on here as we are all fighting the same cause.

Well done on not gambling yesterday, that's a great start. And just getting through each day in isolation is all it's about in the early days of recovery. One day at a time is enough.

I think you do definately deserve praise my friend, for making these first steps of recovery. You can move away from gambling if you really want to and make other more rewarding hobbies feel the void. Geeting on your treadmill is a good start - Heathly body, healthy mind and all that! ;0)

Keep posting and keep reading other diaries, if that helps you too....

Keep strong

Ade

Hi Mimicath,

Welcome aboard this very supportive forum.

I wish you the very best on your journey of recovery,

Best wishes

Suzanne x

Hi mimicath

Good luck on the road to recovery. There are songs that strike a chord with me too, all the while i was gambling and uphappy I would almost start filling up to songs such as (excuse my taste in rap music!)

The first one just summed up the way I felt, not really wanting to live the way I am/was. And the second just gave me a bit of inspiration, the show must go on! Quite conflicting songs really but my head was puddled!

Devlin - Runaway

I gotta leave, I gotta go,
There's nothing here for me no more
I gotta be free, I gotta be
Somewhere that I can just be me.
And I run run runaway, run run runaway,
Run run runaway, I runaway.

Lupe Fiasco - Show Goes On

Let em’ know you’re there
That you struggling and survivin’ that you gonna persevere
Yeah, ain’t no body leavin, no body goin’ home
even if they turn the lights out the show is goin’ on!

Thank you to those who have posted on my journal - it really helps to know there is support out there. 3rd day was not so good -got e-mail saying there was cashback on one of the 'bingo' sites. Gambled it away instead of trying to withdraw it. Bright spot was that, for the first time, I did not add any of my own cash. Pleased as I had a hard day otherwise, and this would usually be an excuse to gamble. Normally first thing in the morning I would be getting on a gambling site, today I am doing this journal instead.About to 'ramble' again. I was in the Clapham train crash back in 1988. Not injured physically, but was on the train that was hit, and had to stay on through a lot of the rescue operation, as I was keeping an eye on a young woman who had been pulled out from under the train by other passengers. Looked into the abyss that day, that lies under our day to day lives. Also, suffered afterwards from nightmares and flash backs, so was sent by my Doctor for group counselling. I had to keep on commuting into London, and, at counselling learnt a lot about the sub-conscious, and the tricks it will play on you to get it's own way. One guy there worked for a big City bank, loaning large sums of money to people, and he had lost the ability to, literally, even add 2 and 2 together. My job involved getting things done on time. I will always remember the look on a team member's face when they told me a form had to be completed by Thursday. I said that was ages away, and she said - 'no - it's tomorrow'. As one of the guys at counselling said, 'I always thought there was something like a computer in charge of my decisions, now I know it's a frightened animal'. Our sub conscious was telling us trains were dangerous, and doing all it could to stop us getting on them. I am reminding myself of this as it helps me to remember that while my conscious mind wants to stop gambling, it's the sub conscious I have to convince - at the moment I am trying by reminding it how wretched I feel when I lose money I can not afford to. Will try to economise generally, and see how much money I can end the month with. Even if it is only a very little, it will be better than hitting the credit card, because of gambling. Hoping my addictive side will kick into saving cash, not wasting it.

Thank you to those who have posted on my journal - it really helps to know there is support out there. 3rd day was not so good -got e-mail saying there was cashback on one of the 'bingo' sites. Gambled it away instead of trying to withdraw it. Bright spot was that, for the first time, I did not add any of my own cash. Pleased as I had a hard day otherwise, and this would usually be an excuse to gamble. Normally first thing in the morning I would be getting on a gambling site, today I am doing this journal instead.About to 'ramble' again. I was in the Clapham train crash back in 1988. Not injured physically, but was on the train that was hit, and had to stay on through a lot of the rescue operation, as I was keeping an eye on a young woman who had been pulled out from under the train by other passengers. Looked into the abyss that day, that lies under our day to day lives. Also, suffered afterwards from nightmares and flash backs, so was sent by my Doctor for group counselling. I had to keep on commuting into London, and, at counselling learnt a lot about the sub-conscious, and the tricks it will play on you to get it's own way. One guy there worked for a big City bank, loaning large sums of money to people, and he had lost the ability to, literally, even add 2 and 2 together. My job involved getting things done on time. I will always remember the look on a team member's face when they told me a form had to be completed by Thursday. I said that was ages away, and she said - 'no - it's tomorrow'. As one of the guys at counselling said, 'I always thought there was something like a computer in charge of my decisions, now I know it's a frightened animal'. Our sub conscious was telling us trains were dangerous, and doing all it could to stop us getting on them. I am reminding myself of this as it helps me to remember that while my conscious mind wants to stop gambling, it's the sub conscious I have to convince - at the moment I am trying by reminding it how wretched I feel when I lose money I can not afford to. Will try to economise generally, and see how much money I can end the month with. Even if it is only a very little, it will be better than hitting the credit card, because of gambling. Hoping my addictive side will kick into saving cash, not wasting it.

4th day - didn't gamble yesterday - very tempted this a.m. - but determined not to turn to the credit card this month - bad enough withChristmas to pay for - don't need additional unnecessary debt from gambling. Really helps to be on this forum, to know that there are others out there facing the same demons. My heart goes out to all those who have suffered through this. I know it is so hard for families to understand why we cannot just stop. Am also trying to lose weight for health reasons. Same problem as with gambllng - cannot just stick to healthy food. I know back in the early 1900s the rich would have themselves put into basically an induced coma for a week or two to get the weight off! Don't think it would work for my gamblig though. Am rambling on to fill the time I would normally be on bingo sites. Thinking of more songs that speak to me - Steely Dan's 'Do it Again' - you swear on quitting Vegas that you're not a gambling man - then you find yourself in Vegas with a (something) in your hand. You go back Jack do it again - wheel turning round and round. The song 'this is where the story ends' - not about gambling, but about being on the 'outside' of life - looking in. One line in particular 'people weary of me showing my good side'. Always trying to do that and feeling a total fraud because of this gambling.

5th day. Would have gambled yesterday, but for having to admit to it on this forum. The craving is great. lt's def about the 'action' more than the winning but real money needs to be involved to get that 'buzz'. I try to substitue with non-cash games, but that doesn't work. Am planning to get back to the mind relaxing non-gambling games like chuzzle delight, where hopefully my brain will turn off while trying to 'match 3'. Keep reminding myself how sick I felt as the last money I gambled disappeared - I have self-limited myself on some sites, but that still adds up. Had a tough day yesterday generally, that is one of the triggers for wanting to gamble - have to keep remembering that gambling will only make me feel even worse about myself. I am very self critical. Was volunteerng the other day and I said I hoped this morning would be better than last week. The guy in charge was surprised and asked what I didn't like about last week. Had made 2 mistakes on the till, both easily rectified, but was upset with myself. Want people to think well of me. In the past have tried to adapt to what people want, but am now trying to live by a motto I found on facebook (!) 'I would rather be hated for what I am, than loved for what I am not'. Not brave enough to admit that what I am is a gambler - but if I can stay clean long enough might give it a try. Ramble over for today

Hi mimicath

The jar is a very good idea as it gives you a physical representation of gamble free days, keep going and keep strong.

Paul

Hi Mimicath,

Well done on 5 days

Suzanne xx

6 Days. REALLY wanted to gamble yesterday. This diary is helping. Played Zuma deluxe - not the gambling one! Started at level 5, still there 90 mins later - but no cost. Was good to look at my bank balance yesterday, and find money still in there. Knowing there are others out there who understand, and will not condemn, helps me to feel not so alone. Two weeks after the Clapham train crash Lockerbie happened. At our next counselling meeting, we said that looking at the eyes of the survivors on TV, they now 'understood'. Attitude of other people tended to be, you weren't injured, so what's your problem? Same with addiction - if you don't want to do it, why don't you just stop? Not that easy! My rambling is my way of trying to speak to my sub-conscious - you conquered the fear of trains - you can stop the gambling. Remembering the counselling mantra 'it doesn't matter how other people think you are supposed to feel, it doesn't matter how you think you are supposed to feel, what matters is how you do feel, deal with that'. And wondering how I can apply that to this situation. Ramble over for today.

paul01 wrote:

Hi mimicath Thanks for that

The jar is a very good idea as it gives you a physical representation of gamble free days, keep going and keep strong.

Paul

Day 7 - feels like a long time, but I know it is only the beginning. Was desperate to find a way to stop even for 1 day - so will keep fighting, and hope I can hold on. Disappointing family night out yesterday, so would have liked to 'console' myself by gambling, but managed to resist. Couldn't stop myself from eating one of the choc Father Christmasses I had bought as gifts though! Will now ramble to sub-conscious. I feel like a failure compared to just about everyone I know. Gambling makes me feel better for a while but then it makes me feel even more of a failure, so remember that, sub-conscious! Gambling is not the answer - doing good with the money wasted would build self-respect. Have got quite a lot done in time I would have spent gambling. Somewhat hard to function as 'normal' in daily life while fighting this craving - but worth the effort. Bought myself some boots. Would normally not have felt able to afford them , but reminding myself I would have spent money I cannot afford on gambling, at least I have something to show for this. Will try to get something I need each month, and look at it when I feel like gambling. I would like new bedside lamps - so that will be on next month's list. Hopefully, by about March, if I keep off gambling, I will be able to afford one of the bigger things I need to get. Do give to charities each month, but next Christmas will aim to give a nice 'bonus' to Big Issue seller, of money I would have gambled away. That's another goal for you, sub-conscious! Have dithered in the past about whether I give to charities to feel better about myself - but doesn't really matter - sure they don't care as long as they get the money!

Have decided I will also use this as a 'dream' diary - people's eyes tend to glaze over when I try to recount my dreams! but may be useful to me in understanding sub-conscious. Last night, I came out of the back of M&S into a quiet and isolated area. Was harrassed by a couple of men. Another man saved me, and I ended up living with him. I then found out it was all a plot by him, and he intended to murder me and my two daughters. His friends, who were also mine, were in the plot. Became like a film. Saw them as youngsters planning the plot. Managed to fight back, and escape, but could not find my way back to the main shopping centre, had emerged at the back of M&S again. Then dream went even weirder. Was trying to make a disguise from a piece of material, found myself walking by a stream in the town centre, trying to get to the bus station. Probably all due to food I had eaten, but some things do recur in my dreams. Have often left my car in a car park, but can't find it. Often staying somewhere, and trying to pack on last day, but have tons of stuff that will not fit in suitcase, and have to throw out, but no rubbish bin available. Have several places that I visit that I used to live in, but they are nothing like the real places. Rather fond of the split level flat right next to the sea! Even have a town with shops that I regularly visit that does not exist in real life. Problem with that is that I have difficulty finding the road back to where I actually live. Often ride to London to work on a moped. Know the various imaginary routes well. Other recurring themes are being a prisoner/fugitive from the Nazis, and trying to find presents for family in places I visit, mostly places I have never actually been, such as China. Quite a hodge podge. Will keep recording - beats gambling!