Hi, I'm Gav, I'm 29 and have been gambling for around 16 years.
I've never kept a diary in my life but I feel it's time to keep one as a means of therapy and something to look back on in the coming days, weeks, months and years.
Gambling for me started as a bit of fun and for while I suppose it was. I started on low-stake fruit machines when I was 13 on a holiday in Wales and at this age it was harmless enough gambling very low amounts. As I got older I started to play fruit machines more regularly and began betting on FOBTs, sports (mainly football and tennis), joining Casinos and gambling online.
During these 16 years, I have 'stopped' several times, often for months at a time and once attended a GA meeting (about 4 years ago) after agreeing to it to save my relationship with my long-term girlfriend (who I am still with). There are several reasons as to why I have never actually quit for good. Continuing to be involved in small-time gambling, such as a sweep stakes, casual bets with friends on a game of pool, fantasy football or the annual Grand National is one reason. I told myself that this wasn't proper gambling and although the financial damage was not an issue, I never really cut it out of my life for good. Another reason I suppose was boredom...I often felt I was missing some excitement in life when I wasn't gambling so it was easy for me to place the odd bet to get a kick again. The odd bet would usually result in a massive gambling binge for me where I would go weeks and months losing big before having a break again. Financial set-backs were another reason. For example if I had to pay for something that you wouldn't enjoy paying for like car repairs or a parking ticket, I would turn to gambling. I think the most important reason though is that for all these years I haven't actually believed myself that I have a gambling addiction. I believe this is what is different about stoppoing this time and hope this will lead me to a gambling-free life.
Aside from gambling, my life is good. I have a gorgeous girlfriend, a lovely house, a fairly well paid job and lots of friends. I am not prepared to lose all of this because of gambling. I have lost enough time, money and emotion through gambling over the years but I am not prepared to lose the most important things in my life. To date, my girlfriend isn't aware I started gambling again and I won't be able to tell her until I have stabled my financial situation again and spent a decent amount of time away from gambling. I can't put her through it...she doesn't need to hear my sob story again and why should she? I have to prove to myself firstly that I can spend a reasonable period away from gambling, save some money and get back on the straight and narrow before I can then tell her I had a relapse for the very last time.
Last night was my final bet I hope so today is the start of the rest of my life. My whole financial situation at the moment is very raw and it will take some time to repair but I am determined to do so. I have had no urges to gamble today, which is something I suppose. That may be due to the overwhelming feeling of guilt and numbness from the lies I have told to cover up this gambling nonsense.
It helps a little to get some feelings down here and to read up on other peoples experiences, most of which are very similar to my own. Feel free to leave comments for anyone that cares to read!
Thanks, Gav
Day 2
I slept very well last night considering the mess I'm in. That was mainly due to going for a run followed by the gym so I was physically tired. Exercise is great for taking my mind off things just now and for helping me sleep.
Today has been tough though. All I can think about is the financial mess I'm currently in and the strain it will cause getting out of it. After blowing a good chunk of my pay, this month will be a hard slog. Things were made worse when I was declined extra credit from some of my current lenders. This was money to get by on, not to gamble with.
I'm acting all happy around my girlfriend and it makes me sick to think how much I have messed up and not being able to tell her yet. She doesn't deserve this. Until recently, my plan was to propose to her early next year and start a family. I just can't see how I can financially cope with that currently. She deserves better than this and I am beating myself up endlessly as to how much I have let her down.
Working late at work tonight and will be heading straight to the gym to hopefully sleep tonight. Grim reality just now.
Hey Gav and welcome.
As tough as it is you have to forget the losses and move on. Easier said than done however, but it's best to just move forward.
Make sure you have self excluded from all online sites and shops and install blocking software. These are the first things I did and are working well for me. I found it pretty easy early on when I didn't have money. The real test comes when payday rolls around so it's good to have all blocks in place for then.
I am in a similar position to you in regards to telling my other half. I haven't done yet as I know how disappointed she will be. Deep down I know how much easier this will be if I tell her, but I haven't got the balls to as of yet. Maybe once I have made a bit more progress I will.
Anyways all the best mate. Keep reading diarys and visiting the chat. This will help you keep focus.
I'm sure others with much more experience and knowledge will swing by and lend their advice.
RA
Day 3
Thanks RA for the comments. Hiding the truth from partners seems to be so common on here and it's the worst part of gambling for me. This must be what it feels like to have an affair....The guilt just eats away at you. I have to keep telling myself that I will tell her but only when the time is right. I don't want to drag her through my mess. I want to tell her when I'm straight again, months free of gambling and financially stable.
Today has been my best day since my last bet, albeit I'm only 3 days in but I had a good day at work, followed by the gym and fortunately have had a temporary financial fix from my dad until payday. No urges whatsoever to gamble and I'm trying to concentrate on the money I've saved in just 3 days. Easily hundreds, if not touching a grand.
Hope tomorrow can be another good day...
Just gone midnight so into day 11 now. The last week has flown by. Been busy with work, fitness and a brief visit to Krakow on a stag do.
I would say it's been easy not to gamble for these 11 days and it's nice not being glued to my phone waiting for a notification off b****5 when a goal has gone in to earn me some money. I'm listening more to people, probably talking a bit more than I was and not feeling so engrossed in my own selfish mind to win money. I'm enjoying not having that gambling stress on my mind.
It's still not so easy to shake off the consequences, however, that my mistakes have caused. Still in a mess financially and still riddled with guilt about being so secretive about it all. Just keep telling myself that in time the finances will sort themselves and in time I can clear my conscience and come clean. Until then, just keep taking every day as it comes and trying to keep busy...
Day 66
Wow, more than 2 months have passed since I last gambled. I haven't been as active as I thought I would on this forum but I guess life has gotten in the way a bit.
I'm back today as I can't sleep. Very stressed out over money just now with xmas around the corner and plans to propose to my girlfriend earlyish next year edging closer. For the first time in a long time the gambling demons are testing me. They always do when I need extra cash. I'll fight it though and am confident I won't relapse. I just need some time to think about managing my finances.
I hate not sleeping. It feels like tortute of the mind and I'll be shattered tomorrow as a result.
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