Determined to keep a diary

@p6z38njbqm Day by day, bit by bit Fish remember!  I have just typed a huge spiel on my thread so I need to do the same.

Sending prayers your way to remain strong, focused and gamble free. 🙏🙏🙏.

Take care.

Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.

Day 28 gamble free. 4 weeks! Not a single thought about gambling. Still makes me feel sick if I think about it.

Got an appointment for chest x ray today. Gotta wait a week and a bit, then another week and a bit for results. Oh well. Shove that to the back of my mind and hope I can sleep.

Had my first 1 to 1 session today. Was interesting. I’m sure it will be useful. Got to delve into my past and talk allot about the now. Advised to get my wife to phone for support as someone’s who’s impacted. Will have a chat next time I see her in passing 😂

Ate some food today too. Feel a little sick now. 

Positve thought for today. The housing company hasn’t said no yet. Hopefully that’s a good sign! Also my little pooch has spent allot of time with me today. Little guys a hero.

Stay strong 💪 

29 days without a worry about gambling. Can’t wait for my life to be sorted as this feels great. Still no word on apartment. Still definitely over with the wife. Had a dream last night that it wasn’t over and it was the happiest I’ve ever felt. Didn’t last long though as I got woken up by the dog. 

Positive thought for the day. I get to start over, not just financially, but emotionally and mentally. Clean slate, new me, onwards and upwards to better things. 

Stay strong 💪 

30 days done. 1 month gamble free tomorrow. It’s amazing to think how far I’ve come. Filling my days with other things now. Continuing my OU study, fired up the Xbox again (not much of a gamer), anything to make me realise how much I was wasting my life playing slots. Never a doubt in my mind that I won’t gamble again. Too much life to live now. Gotta face up to facts that this is a clean slate. New home (not yet sorted), new outlook in finances, new emotional journeys ahead. Gotta leave behind the life that was slowly killing me, even if it means leaving behind those who meant the world to me. I’ll forever remember the good times, always remember how this addiction ruined that, and that will drive me on. Can’t believe I’m excited about leaving my family, my one true love, my amazing home, but there’s no other way to view it otherwise I’d be visiting the spot I’d picked out to end it all. Not going there.

Positive thought of the day: My step change stuff is fully in so just waiting on a date for it all to be set up. Day 1 of the debt free challenge coming up. Sub 2 years. Let’s do this 💪

Well done Fish 🐟👏👏👏 and so glad to hear your Stepchange plan is now up and running.  They are such a good charitable organisation 👌.

Day by day, then it will become week by week and so on……. You have so got this!💪.

Take care and keep surging ahead.

Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.

1 month gamble free. Get in! No thoughts of gambling. I get paid tomorrow and although a fair chunk is going out to cover some debts and the monthly bills, I’m not worried about having some money in my account. Actually looking forward to it. 

Hopefully I’ll hear about a new apartment this week. If not it’s back to square one and looking for somewhere. Seriously considering a tent at this point. 

Thanks pink lady, good to see you doing well too. Feel like we started this at very similar times and are both very determined to have normal lives again.

Full week of work this week so will be kept busy. 

My happy times today have been playing with my dog. Not sure how I would have coped without him. He’s literally the only support I have and he’s being extra friendly since I moved into the spare room. Poor little guy knows something’s up. 

Stay strong 💪 

Day 32. Today I have money in my account, paid off a load of bills, content with that situation. Not a hint of wanting to gamble. 
I also found out today that I won’t be getting the accommodation I put in for. Credit checks failed. Have asked them if I can pay some months In advance to see if it helps. Gutted is not the word. I had to take myself to the toilet at work and take 5 from the world. It feels like my life is back on track with the exception of one thing. I’ve got nowhere to bloody live! Just need a break to get fully on track. Feels like 1 step forward and 8 steps back. So excited about my new life, it’s just missing a massively important part (well 2 if you count my family, but unfortunately they won’t be coming). 
Really hope I get something sorted. I’m at my wits end. Constant rejection in everything and all I want to do is get better. 
Not much in the way of positivity today. The lows keep coming. I have some money I suppose so could go visit my parents this weekend. That will do. 

Stay strong 💪 

Hi Fish. 🐟.

So sorry t hear the news about your accommodation 👎.  I know exactly where you are coming from - we put in for/apply for things that we know we can afford yet due to a poor credit score, that is the final answer!😣.  I have been rejected on many things as everything credit wise can be so “black and white”!🤷🏻‍♀️. Yet, I could easily afford the monthly payments. 👎As you know, I have currently got that security vetting clearance hanging over my head, so in the back of mind, I am thinking that too will be rejected. 🙈. The thing is, what on earth does my debt have to do with how well I will be able to do the job?🤷🏻‍♀️. I am confident that I will be able to do it and do it well.  Watch this space but not feeling too good about it. 😔. I am already a civil servant, working as a Probation Officer and have done so for the last 20 years, so I am just praying that this will stand me in good stead!🤞🙏🙏🙏.

Whatever happens for both of us, life will still go on and so will we!  We just need to stay positive, work hard and not waste any of our money to any more gambling, now or forever more.  I know it does not seem the case right now, but things will most definitely get better for you eventually, providing you no longer gamble.

Take care. Keep rolling with the punches and take that trip to your parents!👍.

Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.

Best of luck pink lady, hopefully common sense prevails. This addiction takes so much. Ruins your past but also your future for a good period. Rooting for you

Anyway, 33 days done. Too busy at work to do anything productive regards finding a place to live. Did request to pay 6 months rent in advance but not heard back yet. Not allot else to say. No gambling, no urges, no future at the moment 😂. Still at least I didn’t have to have a quiet sob in the bathroom today!

Stay strong 💪

👌👌👌👌🙏🙏🩷🍎.

Day 34, no desire to gamble and not a single thought about it.

It is so hard to find somewhere to rent when you have a poor credit file and no guarantor. I literally cannot find anything. Even looked on Facebook marketplace but the majority of them are through agencies and require credit checks. Still waiting to hear if I can pay 6 months rent in advance but nothing yet.

Work has been carnage today. My job would be easy if we didn't have members of the public around. Unfortunately they pay the bills so are needed! Still spent the majority of my free time searching for places to stay though. Probably need to eat something at some point.

Positive thoughts for today: I'm on night shift tomorrow so can indulge in a large glass of wine tonight whilst hiding away in the spare room like a lodger. Didn't say one word to my wife yesterday and it made me miss her so much. I've taken to seeing where she is on my iPhone just to feel that connection with her. SAD!! Also viewing a property tomorrow so wont be having much wine, although it will require a credit check so might just have the bottle 🤣 

Stay strong 🖐️ 

Day 35 - Nothing to report on the gambling front. the thought of it still repulses me.

Had another therapy session today. Mainly talked about how coping with marriage and loss of house etc. 

Also viewed another apartment today. Was absolutely perfect. Close to work, close to my current home, part furnished too which saves some money. Application sent in. Awaiting the rejection in next few days. Still feels like 1 step forward and then 2 back. Cant seem to get through this last hurdle.

Facebook showed pictures of the start of our house build from several years ago. Made me extremely sad knowing that the house we put so much time, effort and money into will now not be anything to do with me. 

Was going to head up North and visit family this weekend but my stepsons Granddad is in hospital again so i think I'll stay to support my wife/stepson in case the dog needs looked after or even to cook dinner or something. Stepson likes a Spag Bol so will make him some with fresh pasta.

Positive thought for today: I've got money in my account and its not tempting me at all. Feels amazing to know i can buy something if I need it.

Stay strong 🖐️ 

Day 36. What a day! No gambling. Couldn’t care less about that anymore. Managed to get accepted on an apartment though. Get in 💪. Little bit pricier than I would have hoped for but still manageable, and is part furnished so save some cash there. Also done allot of chatting with step change regarding my DMP. I reckon if I got it hard I can have it paid off in less than a year. Will still have a credit union loan to pay off but just clearing the DMP will free up 1k a month and set me well on the road to financial freedom. 

A little bitter sweet. I only have 2 weeks left in my home. Spent so much time, money, effort and love on this place. Gotta look forward though. Will miss my wife, my stepson and will most definitely miss my little dog. He’s been my only support through this. Will hopefully have him over a few times a month. Gonna check with the landlord once I’m moved in. 

Positive thoughts for today - no matter how down you are, there is always a way out. I came very close to heading to my chosen spot to take the easy way out. I’m not out of this yet. Never felt so empty knowing I’ve lost my family, but so looking forward to focusing on the year ahead. New life, new financial situation, new me.

Stay strong 💪