fresh start

It’s the lies that hurt me I want to tell her about this episode but this time I know I can’t. The whole thing on Wednesday was just stupid and ridiculous. 20 years I have been like this. Thanks for your comment SA

Hi

Good question.

Trying to escape from who what. 

I was trying to escape from my self.

Every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand.

Like being a fraid of being honest, where did that come from.

When I was asked to be honest and own up I was given pain as a punishment.

Hence being honesta dn accountable seemed like it would be a painful expereince.

Not so by facing our self and out past the fears in us reduce and our trust grows.

Being on those machines in the bookies or any gambling establishment I was causing myself more pains.

When I lost all of my money I wanted to get more money so I would not have to face the world or what I had done to myself.

To abstain from the gambling establishments I was stopping hurting myself.

Once we block our self where do we run to to escape in our fears.

In the recovery program we move from telling our very sad war stories or talking about money lost and start to give therapies where we talk about processing today in healthier ways. 

Being in a healthy recovery program it is the time to live in peace and harmony with our self..

For me the word recovery means a healing process.

Religious or not any one can find a healthy recovery of they seriously want it.

How much time and energy are we willing to invest in to our self.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

Hi

One day my wife asked me to be honest if she asked me if I gambled.

She said that she did not want to know how much money was lost she just wanted me to be honest.

How ever weird it sounded I agreed and each day she asked me did I gamble.

I had gone another day with out gambling.

Then suddenly she stopped asking me if I had gambled.

I questioned her why she stopped asking me.

She said I know you are not gambling.

I understood ti was not the lost money that hurt her the most.

It was my lies I was betraying her and myself by lying.

Then I understood that her realtionship with me was based on our honesty.

By me lying to her and lying to myself hurt every one.

My lies were due to my fears of rejection and abandonment.

That if I was honest about my gambling she would leave me.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

I have told her Dave I couldn’t live with the guilt. She said dont tell your mam because she be really hurt. She loves me don’t think she truly understands how bad gambling is 

Hi

If we do not understadn why we gambled, how can we expect other people to understand our addiction.

Living in guit and shame is not healthy.

If we understand that we are unhealthly people and we can find a healthy life today.

If you have told her that takesd a lot of courage and is very healthy thing to do.

Sadly we no longer want to hurt our self or hurt others yet living with secrets and fears is even more unhealthy.

I was a very unhealthy person before my recovery.

Knowing we are getting better and healing we can peace in our life.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

Still feel bad about what I did last week. But I have put it to the back of my mind. Surely I must realise now I can never play a fobt again. 

Hi

For me recovery is about healing and processing the pains of our past and then let go of it.

Having a healthy conscience is very beneficial for us all.

But to beat our self up is not healthy for our recovery.

Also to bury and suppress things is not healthy.

Being in recovery we learn from our past but no longer live in it.

I am no able to change the past but I can learn from it.

Forgiving is part of the ehaling process.

Was I a victim, yes for sure yet I was able to gain ahealthy voice and speak up for myself.

By my healing from the past I am able to be the person I know I can trust today.

Lack of confidence and low self esteem were a big issue for me.

Now by healing I am able to do more with my life and have intimacy in my life today.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

Well blown £870 on fobt roulette. I just never learn 

The more I think about it the fobt are as dodgy as hell. Why do I play them? How can I keep this episode from my wife it will make her very upset if I tell her she going to find out eventually because she goes on my online banking. I got a loan yesterday for the money I have lost even though I don’t need to just to make me feel better. How stupid that 

How quiet is this forum now. Told the wife Saturday she took it quite well but she won’t always be so forgiving. I saw the disappointment in her eyes. The one thing I have learned through this addiction is always tell the truth you can’t live a lie 

Hi Boro,

Sorry you relapsed again but I think you've done the right thing telling the truth. You should nevertheless remember there's always the straw that breaks the camels back & there'll come a time she won't take it well. Have you considered handing the finances over to your wife ?, limiting your access to cash. 

The coming months are going to be tough for all working class people with food & energy prices. You think the gambling den owners are lying in bed at night wondering how they're gonna pay their gas & electric bills or how they're going to put food on the table. I doubt it Boro, here's the truth as long as they have addicts like u.s swelling their profits they'll never have those worries. Wise up mate, see them for what they are.

I'll be 4 years GF on the 9th August & I'm happier now than I've been in my whole adult life. I'm all too familiar with that sinking gut wrenching feeling when you've done your last penny gambling & don't miss it at all. I still get urges like Cheltenham & Royal Ascot time but but because I'm limited to how much cash I have access to I feel protected. Don't give up Boro it's never too late to stop.

Best Wishes

AL

Cheers al and nearly 4 years is a fantastic achievement. 20 odd years I have been doing this. The betting shops I went in I’m banned from but these are betting shops I never went in so probably didn’t recognise me. But when I’m going to counter and saying put £200 on a machine should send out red flags to the cashier. My wife did have control of my finances but I managed to take the code off my online banking and allowed gambling transactions. So I could use Apple Pay 

Fobt what more can I say ?

' FOBT what more can i say '

Are you asking a question there? 

Because i hate to say but nothing is going to change, you'll lick your wounds, put a band aid on the itch and rinse repeat and turn up back here in a few weeks / months after yet another loss, feeling sorry for yourself. 

You've been around here long enough to of heard ' that nothing changes, if nothing changes! ' And hand on heart Boro, but are you ready to change? Have you hit the pits of pain and admitted complete defeat? My humble is that you haven't and that you'll continue in the rinse / repeat cycle.

I say that, purely because i completely relate to what you say and caught in the same cycle.

A somewhat cynical post yet, meant with the best intention and hoping a kick up the ar-se is more helpful rather than the norm of these diaries of blowing smoke up it.