Frightening New Territory

Great to have humor sosad. I thought of a creative toilet paper roll holder which is a slot machine. Toilet paper coming out and you have to put in $20 to get enough for one sitting. lol. Thanks for understanding my differnciation between slots and scratchers. I will respect them both as gambling forms but slots was my demon and I want to remember my now 4 months free. I've had months many times in the last over 15 years but this is a new try and I'm ready. Long time coming. thx. again for stopping by. tara

This is supposed to be a diary so I'll make a post at 135 days since I entered a casino. It's no cake walk. It's day to day. I have a week alone with lots of time , some money, no one to be accountable to at home, no big plans... a window of opportunity. But, ot really. Gambling is not an opportunity. Opportunity to me has a positive slant and there is no lasting positive slant to playing slot machines. I drove by the highway exit that would take me to one of the closest casinos that I am not banned at. It's about an hour and half away. I drove by because I had a different destination planned. I trying to schedule specific things to do instead of taking off on a whim . It's good for me to post today and I'm happy that gamcare is here for us. The last time I gambled , I could not log onto gamcare and another site where meetings were happening also was empty and the meeting was canceled for that day. Really, it takes many resources and blocks to help a problem gambler. Also self conviction, self work, prayer etc. I can not blame anyone or anything for my gambling in the past or future. It's up to me to keep seeking and trying when times seem tough. Enough for now. odaat tara2

Boy, I needed to chat with someone today. I was experiencing super strong emotions around caring for my family ( my sister ). I also was remembering so many details of life and also details about the entire time I've been gambling. Like a flood or tsunami. I did get chat virtually in a room which was very helpful. Lucky. I feel more grounded now and secure in staying home today. I have no driving destination in mind so I'm staying home and tomorrow I have a couple things lined up . Just for today. odaat tara2

You are doing really well Tara. I hope you enjoy your weeks holiday and also that you are relaxed and at peace with yourself, your family and the world around you.

Your posts indicate that you have a good understanding of addiction and I am impressed with the positive, practical and proactive steps you take to cope with unwanted urges and temptations.

In my mind, you are a true heroine of the gamcare diaries who has never given up hope, even on the occasions when you felt sad, humiliated and maybe a little confused. Time after time you have shown great strength, courage and dedication by getting back on your feet and continuing your gamble free journey.

I think the time has now come for you to reap the rewards for all your hard work. I am sure you will agree that this is a golden opportunity for you to consign gambling to the past. It should definitely not be allowed to dictate your future.

You have now gone months without gambling on the slots and you can continue to treat the scratchers with the contempt they deserve.

I wish you every success as you continue on your gamble free adventure ...stephen

Stephan, Your reply means a lot to me. Thx. for the support and recognition of my efforts to keep coming back and trying to get a stronger resolve. Our posts and comments can get lost the the shear volume of entries or maybe some are not as popular but each of us is pouring our hearts out over this incidious addiction. Bless you. I'm doing what I can each day ... nothing , doing nothing sometimes is better than that 'lil something ' which sells out to the 'devil' (so to speak) namaste' om tara tu tare tara2

I'm entering new territory , heading towards 5 months slot free. I've done 6 months before in the last 15 or so years. Three months and two months many times. I feel stronger but not going to get complacent. tara2

After just a few minutes I have more clarity on what I really wanted to share here about new territory. I don't know if anyone who might read this knows about codependents anonomous but my new territory is realated to this area of recovery. Yesteday I had what might be called a 'relapse' in codependency recovery because I visited an old friend that I have had a codependent connection with the entire time that I've known him. I don't see him very often. Yesterday old patterns of relating and feeling showed up for me. The new territory is that I made an important shift of focus. I focused on how my coda recovery work lapsed and how I'm commited to finding healthier realtional patterns . Related to slot play addiction, I would have taken these feelings of confusion, sadness, pain etc. and succombed to my old slot machine addiction behavior. I would have allowed this to be a trigger for relapse into compulsive gambling. But I instead saw it in coda terms as a relapse in codependent recovery. tara2

It's a long day. Three posts to my diary in one day. I'm also realizing that I'm having withdrawal symptoms. I'm short of breath, focus is off, sleeping pattern off, foggy , bit irritable, haven't done my usual routine etc. You see, I had turned into a binge gambler. So having a few months in the clear brings the urge stronger at this time. I was slipping up at two or three months many times. Now it's nearing on 5. I have time alone and I'm not going out without a destination... still, the way I'm feeling. I think it's withdrawal from the urge to keep the cycle of binge gaambling. It's subconscious and somatic. Now it's out in the open. I think it's time to sit and breath deeply. tara

A member from another gamblers help site suggested to make reasons I do not gamble 'list' and to have it handle and to get it out when I forget. This is a tool. Anyone who reads this may also want to make a reasons I do not gamble list. tara2

140 days. Am I focused on days? I hope not. Days really trip me up . But somehow the milemarkers give me hope and help me to take a breath and assess my condition at the moment. How am I feeling now compared to 140 days ago? 140 days ago I spent more in one day , in a little smokey rural casino, more than I ever had. It went FAST and because the place was so small I was notice by locals. It was weird. It was horrible. I was almost at three months at that time. when I think of how I could have used that money I'm sickened. I wont' dwell on losses, 15yeaars of losses. Just for today, I'm home and safe. tara

I know you don't want to be focused on days Tara, but 140 days is a great acheivement so well done! You're quite right not to dwell on losses. Just for today, you're home and safe, and well done.

Tara you are doing really and I am proud of you. 141 days since last you ventured onto them awful slot machines.

I hope you enjoyed your week away from work. A good opportunity for you to take it easy and recharge your batteries.

Living a gamble free life doesn't necessarily mean that everything will be as we would like it to be. As you so rightly pointed out, gambling just makes everything so much worse. Who knows, but maybe one day all will be revealed and we will find peace and happiness. Our lives should be enriched by not gambling so let us explore new opportunities, live in hope and put our trust in a better tomorrow.

Stephen x Namaste

Self sufficient, I was not away from work. I am injured and on temp. diability. My bf/room mate was gone so I was alone. It used to be an easy window for gambling when he was gone for a day or more.. that way I did not have to time everything so perfectly so he wouldn't know. But, it waas not threatening to the relationship for him to know. I just needed to uphold an image, I suppose. Well, that together image was broken a long time ago. AND< I told him everything many times over about my problem. He supports me, is saddened, and believes in me. So there I was for a week knowing that I could easily gamble and he would not know . But, if he did know , he would only be sad for me and try to support me for falling down again. So why hide it. Well, here it is... we LIE to ourselves the most. Now I relise that the person who gets deceived is ME. I'm starting to see more clearly and to want more for MYSELF> tara2

Sometimes it's valuable to remember the worst of the worst days of my compulsive gambling. I need to remember specific rock bottom days of dispair and periods of my life when I felt like I lost my will to live. I need to remember returning to work after stuffing a months wages into slots machines ; how it felt to put forth the energy and time knowing that an entire months worth of energy and time had been used up by addictive behavior gone crazy. I need to remember how I had over fifty thousand dollar s saved ( a huge amount for me) and how over the course of over a decade of this addiction that was gone including all money that was anything above basic needs .. down to a couple thousand in savings and draagging myself through life. I need to remember how a very small couple thousand dollar inheritance disaappeared in a couple months time. I need to remember that when I first sought out recovery help I was so ungrounded that for a couple months I found it hard to drive safely, even to the first counselors appts. I need to remember that I am NOT liar or a compulsive spender and that rather I had become an compulsive gambling addict who ran from an unamanageable life story thus making the details even more unmanageable. I need to remember some potentially dangerous events that happened a few times while I was out later than I like to be ( I don't go out at night usually). I need to remember that It's been nearly 15 years of cg. and about 10 years of trying to recover. I need to remember other details... Then, I need to let it go. Let go , let God, be grateful, keep up the barriers, focus on other more meaningful pursuits and do the 'work' of dealing with the unmanageable parts of my life with the resources that are available like CODA. I need to stay in touch with the cg recovery world to share and read others shares. I say that I need to do all these things. REally, I want to. I want this recovery for myself. odaat. It's scary territory because in the past when I began to get a foothold and started shaaring wisdom I fell down again. WEll, I got back up, this is the point. It's not easy . Complacency has no place here. I love when old timers in cg recovery share their experiences , strength and hope . Ilove when people share exercises such as writing out a list of why I don't gamble ( good one). Every little bit shared, helps so many people. Felt like sharing more here lately. odaat tara2

Then comes the everyday'ness' of life. The ordinary. The impatience and the longing for change. The need to set goals and have a focus or even a dream. Drifting does not pay off with happiness and forfillment. Old patterns don't make a new suit. All this said, even on days of despair , depression , bordom etc. the quick fix is not a fix it's a quick road to ruin... cg is not a choice . It's not a viable choice. I'm not seeing life as the eternal bed of roses or bowl of cherries and I'm not seeing it as a worthless hopeless venture. It's a gift. Today is an opportunity to sit with all of this until a find something to focus on. Just be with what is. It's better than the fast road to ruin. tara2