Gary's diary of (continued) recovery

Back home overnight after a brilliant 2 weeks away. Did some amazing things and made some great memories.

Funny how recovery works - was on a cruise and have been watching the casino with interest ; not with an interest in gambling but more the layout and tactics employed (bar in the centre, was a rare place to smoke, rolling jackpots etc). Previously I was a able to just avoid it and put to the back of my mind- I guess I'm a bit more self-aware now.

Anyway, it's a bank holiday so a sneaky round of golf this afternoon and then back to the grind.

Diet starts tomorrow

hi gary, thanks for your continued support,, i know what i should be doing it's just getting my head around doing it. Catch u soon mate Paul

Evening Gary , just a quick thank you for your kind comments I've a long way to go to reach your time gamble free but I'm on my way , Little worried over your day count today though 8*8 ? but I'm sure 889 will be along soon :))

All the very best my friend

Alan

Day 890 - a day of mixed emotions.

Back from a funeral of a work colleague sadly taken far too early (aged 58). He was a gentleman and much respected...I shall miss him a lot.

It's also my 10th wedding anniversary today. A was gambling heavily when we got married (even playing roulette the morning of my wedding) and the addiction got stronger for the next 7.5 years. I wasn't a good husband; I was deceitful, I was dishonest, I lied, I cheated and I was selfish. My ego was out of control and the inner voice to gamble was far louder then my desire to be a nice person. Any void was filled with gambling or getting money to gamble.

Things are different now...I'm in a far better place but have had to work at it. I've had to cut some friends and behaviours that were no good for me, Most importantly, I need structure in my life and that's key for me. I have a daily programme and that helps to keep me in my safe line.

Take care

Gary

Day 900.

Suppose I should be giving myself a mental pat on the back but, to be honest, as I've progressed through recovery I'm finding the day count less and less important. I used to count hours, and then days, and then months. Not being complacent or flippant, but the recovery aspect if far more important than the abstinence.

That said, I'd be lying if I said that life was not a million times better than when gambling. Despite the obvious financial improvements (I've calculated it's about £60k not spent in the bookies and probably about £90k inc. the servicing of debt), I can honestly say I now understand myself for the first time. I'm far from perfect but can identify and work on my character defects.

This site forms a big part of my recovery and I learn from the established contributors and those at the start of their journey. I also learn a lot from those that dip away. This illness lurks and wants us isoated. I am stronger here and with GA as a primary support.

Here's to day 901.

Garyl1976 wrote:

Day 900.

Suppose I should be giving myself a mental pat on the back but, to be honest, as I've progressed through recovery I'm finding the day count less and less important. I used to count hours, and then days, and then months. Not being complacent or flippant, but the recovery aspect if far more important than the abstinence.

That said, I'd be lying if I said that life was not a million times better than when gambling. Despite the obvious financial improvements (I've calculated it's about £60k not spent in the bookies and probably about £90k inc. the servicing of debt), I can honestly say I now understand myself for the first time. I'm far from perfect but can identify and work on my character defects.

This site forms a big part of my recovery and I learn from the established contributors and those at the start of their journey. I also learn a lot from those that dip away. This illness lurks and wants us isoated. I am stronger here and with GA as a primary support.

Here's to day 901.

Very true, keep it simple, but well done for today Gary. tri

It doesn't sound like you want congratulations Gary, but I'm going to say it anyway 🙂 900 days is something to feel proud of and by sharing your journey here you help others (like me) to see that it is possible. Thanks. LB x

You should be proud...
Look how far you've come...
Sharing our stories is one way we can all help each other..
So...here's a pat on the back for
you
🙂
Well a smile...cose I can't do a pat on here...
Lol

Thanks for the kind words guys.

Have decided to snap out of a little malaise I've been going though...not sure what's brought it on but a little negativity has crept into my life.

Simple steps to take :- think positive, act positive and be positive. I had enough negative experiences when gambling and really hated the pain and suffering that it led me to.

GA meeting tonight; will focus on the good things going on in my life and hopefully learn a little more about myself.

I'm going to take a leaf out of your book Gary self pity gets us nowhere. Think, act and be positive.

KTF

Day 911.

Had an interesting week which included 3 episodes that, 3 years ago, would have led me into the safety and anaesthetic of gambling.

1) Golf Clubs stolen from car on Friday. The initial annoyance, anger and rage were emotions that have been alien to me for a while. I took a quiet half hour and tried to be pragmatic about it...this calmed me down and gave me a sense of perspective. I'd have invariably tried to gamble to "win the money to replace the clubs". The addiction talking.

2) Credit card arrived at home and wife opened it....well, that took us both back to some darker times. In truth, I haven't used a credit card for over 2 years and this was a replacement for one long cut up. Reminded me of the lies, deception and misdirection to avoid facing the truth.

3) Dad's continued illness....I've touched on this before but my dad is suffering with Ahlzheimers. The condition is worsening as was predicted but is terribly difficult to deal with. But I am dealing with. I ran away from mum's illness (she died of cancer 6 weeks before I gave up) and wasn't there for her. That's still my biggest regret and one I struggle to get over.

I'm sure there are very many more daily challenges and obstacles, but these felt pretty monumental. So glad I'm in the right place to make the correct decisions.

I have been thinking that my recovery is stagnating, so next step is to think long and hard about working the steps.

Hi Gary,

My own experience in recovery would pretty much mirror what you are feeling. Its a hard concept for people in the early stages of stopping that someone who has gone as long as yourself needs something else.

He hasnt had a bet for over 2.5 years surely that is enough?

The good people who gave us the Steps knew through experience that for most, simply not having a bet wouldnt cut it. Yes lifeis so much better, but it still feels like something is missing.

Find yourself a sponsor. Pick wisely. Interview them. Then get to work.

day@atime wrote: Find yourself a sponsor. Pick wisely. Interview them. Then get to work.

A few good words to live by

Hi Gary,

The Steps are a lifetimes work. They are a way of thinking & living. Thats not to say they negatively impact on all the other things we may want to do within our lives. In my experience they have allowed me to embrace & experience all that life has to offer. The steps are a teaching tool for a better life. There primary purpose is to teach you how to have, healthy, vulnerable, connected, intimate, loving relationships with others & your self. They teach community & communication. They move us from the love of self to self love. Dont let the fact youre worried about finishing them stop you from starting them.

Day 994.

Been a long time since I've posted a diary entry. No real reason - just had no desire to.

Materialistically - close to 1000 days bet free has afforded me a good lifestyle. No real money worries, nice new car and Christmas all but sorted.

No thoughts of gambling but still suffering from anxiety. Anxious about Heath and welfare of me and those close and anxious about my job...perhaps I'm approaching a crossroads in that respect.

Still working my programme of recovery via GA and still reading diaries on here. Glad to see things are positive and supportive in the main.

Wishing you all a brilliant festive season