...

Hi diary,
Thanks J, appreciated..

I was thinking today, the way i grew up around these walls..i did..i think i built my personality and character round here...at GC!

It was awesome experience....& i went so so far..i built from broken girl to confident woman...WOW!!

...yet, still an addict! Bahhh ..

Just thanks to all of you who been there for me. My life is the way it is cause of you ☺..i quite like it!

Peace out (or in other words..."pass out")

B&S xx

Thank you for stopping by my dairy :o)

Thanks Jane,..keep making the right choice ☺

Diary,

Few emotions today...go figure lol...

Anyway...i am the one to believe that "i got myself into this mess and i shall be the one get out of it". No matter what others think..it's all starts in the same head huh..good or bad...it starts from within.

I am religious. More than ever now. Strangely i repeated serenity prayer for about 20 times today..man...i helped :-0... i felt a lot calmer.

A lot going on around me recently. All the stuff i had black or white verdict on..how wrong was i? Live and learn huh..deffo learned my lessons!

Didn't gamble...stayed calm. Looking forward for another break away. I like them.
No relationship. Everything been put on hold because i can't take more dramas in my life at the minute.

All is good. I have my lil B by my side..I'm standing in MY army...for once responsible and relying on my own choices.

I will get there.

Night diary..

B&S xx

You seem to be discovering what works for and is good for you and letting go of what doesn't... you will get there 🙂

Cathyx

Hi, Sandra,

Knock, knock, I hope you're OK. Or OKish. Saw your post to Dan and thought that I would venture in.

It's the same question that Rowland H asked Carl Jung in 1928: I practice my religion so what's the difference between that and being spiritual, why is my religion not enough to keep me clean? But there is a difference. Spirituality is about your own individual relationship and your own personal connection with the God of your understanding, whatever such GoYU or HP may be. Religious dogma, what you do in the name of religion (eg what you eat for lunch on 25 December) is not the same thing, it doesn't necessarily involve any personal relationship or connection with a GoYU/HP. Jung told Rowland that the solution to his problem is spiritual.

Put another way, spirituality is about having the faith to hand over control to the GoYU/ HP instead of controlling all yourself. Such is the theory, always easy enough to recite. Letting go in practice isn't so easy.

BW,

CW

Thanks CW....reposted ☺

Diary,

Nice, short & sweet....

Dad (dy),

You may have thought I didn't see,
Or that I hadn't heard,
Life lessons that you taught to me,
But I got every word.

Perhaps you thought I missed it all,
And that we'd grow apart,
But Dad, I picked up everything,
It's written on my heart.

Without you, Dad, I wouldn't be
The person I am today;
You built a strong foundation
No one can take away.

I've grown up with your values,
And I'm very glad I did;
So here's to you, dear father,
From your forever grateful kid.

Happy birthday my hero! Health and ongoing strength and peace to you!
I'm one of the lucky ones to repeat the same to you on the phone in the morning..hear your voice, "see" your smile, feel your never ending love...
No matter how many wrinkles or grey hair you keep on your outside..to me - you will always be the same amazing man i got to know 3 decades ago ☺

Love you Dad... - Sandra xxx

Hi diary,

Really gathering all the strength to post because i know myself how too much of isolation affects me. Things are pretty bad...i guess a little come bk of depression going on but as everything..this shall pass... (please please pass!!!)

Was thinking today that i actually got no one to reach out to...of course i have people who would be willing to listen but ...don't know..the more i want to reach out the less i put action in place.

If not my lil girl and 2hrs daily walks in freah air, i don't know what i would do :-/

World has become quite upsetting place. Too much disasters & hate around. ..don't like it one bit...hope better times for the nation will follow soon..prayers are with everyone suffering.

Soo...as Sis says...me, myself & you dear diary ....haha...& the rest of the world of course!

Sister doing well and very happy, ...she went through some S***e and I'm glad she is smiling now.
My IKEA man has been dumped. We are friends blah blah..ya know that it's not gonna work. Feel a little S****y but hay ho, life is life! Got confused with my feelings and looks like it's nothing there...will not push myself for something i don't want and more importantly will not pretend i like him to "safe" his feelings..nooooo..he deserves happiness and love and i cannot provide him this...besides..the age was a lil block for me :-/.. strange as all of my friends are over 40... (saddo Billy no mates i am lol) & i deffo have no problem with that, but when it comes to someone close to you or even physical interaction...brrrr..say no more.

So that's me. Nothing too special. Just plodding on and riding out recent storms.

Looks like pouring my heart out on this diary helped a little.

No gambling to report even if had thoughts about it. Escape is calling but i do have a choice.

Stay safe all.

B&S xxx

Hello diary,

Interesting day. Very greatful for it to be honest. I managed to reach out, and people helped me big deal to put the thoughts in this head on the right track. Feeling a little positive, stopped crying so that's a little progress.

Many thanks to all of you from here, you don't realise how much yoir thoughts and shares has helped me today...love you guys & gals...

Dan the man ;-), Duncs, Joan, Rach....massive massive thank you for dragging me out of the gutter even if you didn't realise how deep i felt i was in.

No gambling to report. Some Zzzzzz is well deserved ☺

Stay safe all!

B&S....(not a "bull s**t) ;-))))))) xx

Hey, HS x x

I know that feeling too well. It has hovered around me lately, lurking in the shadows but has not fully grabbed me yet.

It WILL pass, it always does 🙂

Sometimes breaking old patterns makes it rear its head. Feels sometimes as if to test you.

Would be up for emailing but must admit I'm very sporadic at checking them or making time to reply. How do you go about it?

f x

Thanks Freda ☺ xx

Dear diary,

No gambling to report. This time last year i had a blip in the arcades but not this year.

Life keeps throwing some stuff but am like a windmill swaying them away.
My new career opportunity has sailed away till next year as they have finished selection process for now...still, to my understanding the Assessment centre is still on the cards so am keeping the studies in place...that's what i call high hopes! 😀

Days seem to fly by. I'm in a little fog..just floating around i guess. Looking at the past too much if I'm honest but i accept myself for who i am. Really hoping to learn my lessons one day.

Soooo...32, survivor, from overseas, gambling addict & alcoholic....still fighting the good fight ☺

Thank you for bday wishes boys & gals yesterday..
4 years on GC....the blueprint i never thought i find in my life..thanks

B&S xx

Hi...

Still fighting the good fight I see! 🙂

I appreciate your continued support, despite it falling on deaf ears for a long time now.

I think your doing great. I can do great tooo!!! 🙂

S.A x

Boom!!! Took me 32 years to work it out :-///....better later than never! Time for practical steps to start turning this around..there is light at the end of the tunnel!

The term codependency has been around for decades. Although it originally applied to spouses of alcoholics (first called co-alcoholics), researchers revealed that the characteristics of codependents were much more prevalent in the general population than had previously imagined. In fact, they found that if you were raised in a dysfunctional family or had an ill parent, you could also be codependent.

Researchers also found that codependent symptoms got worse if left untreated. The good news is that they're reversible.

Symptoms of Codependency

The following is a list of symptoms of codependency and being in a codependent relationship. You don't need to have them all to qualify as codependent.

Low self-esteem.
Feeling that you're not good enough or comparing yourself to others are signs of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it's only a disguise — they actually feel unlovable or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame.Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don't feel bad about yourself.

People-pleasing.
It's fine to want to please someone you care about, but codependents usually don't think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes them anxiety. Some codependents have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.

Poor boundaries.
Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what's yours and somebody else's, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That's especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people's feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else.Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid ones.

Reactivity.

A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone's thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words, because there's no boundary. With a boundary, you'd realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and not feel threatened by disagreements.

Caretaking.
Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It's natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn't want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn't taking their advice.

Control.
Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. You wouldn't want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don't feel out of control.Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people-pleasing and care-taking can be used to control and manipulate people. Alternatively, codependents are bossy and tell you what you should or shouldn't do. This is a violation of someone else's boundary.

Dysfunctional communication.
Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. Of course, if you don't know what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you won't own up to your truth. You're afraid to be truthful, because you don't want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, “I don't like that,” you might pretend that it's okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.

Obsessions.
Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and anxieties and fears. They can also become obsessed when they think they've made or might make a “mistake.”Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how you'd like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life.

Dependency.
Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They're afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Others need always to be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they're by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.

Denial.
One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that they're in denial about it, meaning that they don't face their problem. Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem.Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don't know what they're feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people's needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they're self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won't reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.

Problems with intimacy.
By this I'm not referring to s*x, although sexual dysfunction often is a reflection of an intimacy problem. I'm talking about being open and close with someone in an intimate relationship. Because of the shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that you'll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that you're unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness.

Painful emotions.
Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb.

There is help for recovery and change for people who are codependent. The first step is getting guidance and support. These symptoms are deeply ingrained habits and difficult to identify and change on your own. Join a 12-Step program, such as Codependents Anonymous or seek counseling. Work on becoming more assertive and building your self-esteem.

Not leaving stone unturned in my journey...man...i am always ready to die for others!?...where is a logic here huh...

#rebuildingmylife
S x

Wow! Yes, I recently realised I have that badge on my chest, too. I didn't know there was a CA, I will look it up 🙂

I have worked on a lot of those difficulties over the years - without literally realising the name for it - and have improved tonnes. It really is possible. Knowledge is strength, my friend. Just wondering if my talking about it recently was what triggered the realisation?

We got this!

f x

Thanks f ☺

Dear diary,

Life goes on...no matter what! I read Duncs update yesterday and fell a little apart. Look at me with my little problems and self pity when people around me clutching on straws to greet another day.

Was very selfish these last few months. Went on a daily binge with alcohol. Drag 8hrs work so i can come bk for the bottle and relax, chill..put world to rights & peace.

It's already biting me in my a*se. Big day today and i am hardly prepared...wrong choices made..i failed to prepare and i prepared to fail 🙁

Binge stopped yesterday, all i can do is pray and hope that tonight i keep on straight and narrow.

Thank you everyone for support outside these walls. As i learned yesterday, nobody....& i mean nobody can know what pain one is carrying under their sleeve.

As i said life goes on, dig deeper...never give up.

B&S xx

Hi, Sandra,

Just read your post about codependents. Ouch!!!! But true.

Take care,

CW