...

Thought provoking posts from Sandra & Rob. Straight from the heart, telling it like it is and pulling no punches.

Sandra.....I stand here all exposed and quite frankly hurting......hurting for younger me. Hurting for not being brave enough to deal with life on life's terms.....

Rob....Gambling for some of us has certainly been a way to conceal our emotional life and as you can see from many diaries here, abstinence forces us to start looking at ourselves as we begin to realign.

Wishing you both a good weekend...Stephen x 

Awee, ..thank you Rob and Stephen ❤

I kind of figured  my hormones havoc yesterday/ today and it was quite big part to do with me being due on. ..

Was feeling pretty down today and spent a lot of time in my head, overthinking, feeling sadness, pain...emotion...sigh...

Wasn't one bit productive at work..I think I had more time outside on my own chain smoking and looking at distance...longing something but not knowing what...my wounds still feel exposed and gaping and it hurts..as simple as that..it hurts.

But all is ok. We have good and bad days, they're all part of already planned journey by the universe...it's life..it's being.

Today was my parents wedding anniversary also. Made me think about what if...I am here cause of them huh!...and then it made me think about babies...jeeezzz..yup..something not right with me as of yesterday lol..but I know why.

I went to bed at 1830 taking a strong painkiller as was in horrible pain...hot water bottle on the belly, trying to get comfy for what feels like broken back..plus headache and nausea cause of the tablet I think. (I never take tablets unless pain is unbearable). ... lil lady by my side...snoring her head off..

I just woke up..it felt like I just closed my eyes but looks like the whole hour has passed ?....strange...but feel a little better.

I shall reply properly when I have more time guys, watch spaces on your diaries..

For now, i need some more Zzzzz...alarm will go off shortly for another day to live a dream ???

Blessings ?❤

Ah hi again Diary,

Not much to report today. Almost quit job but decided that once one fall over, they have to get up instead of giving up...so...I am getting back up again!. 

Feeling tired actually. Awful night's sleep last night and so hoping for a better one tonight. 

Day 2 no gym and plan is to be up super early tomorrow (depending on sleep quality) and head to the place of my freedom.

Really really missed my girl today. ..my love for her keeps growing daily and if I only could love myself the way I love her, i would definitely be the happiest person on earth...but....it is still work in progress ?..and as long as one is happy, half of the job is done huh.

Right, early night for me. No gambling, NO ALCOHOL (hallelujah) and no self destructive thoughts.

May peace be welcome back in my heart - it will happen if I allow it ❤

Blessings & stay safe all 

S&B xx ?❤

I can relate. Oh, boy! I lose my fr ick in' mind for a few days a month. I am getting close to mother nature shouting "last orders!" for my chances of having a baby. I don't want one but she is making me have moments where I would be in trouble if a naked man was in front of me, hahaha! We are just animals too, after all.

I take a few days off from the gym usually at this time, too. I find I am weak and lethargic. I think there are actual scientific studies that show women do not perform as well, physically, during their period.

f x

Hi diary,

Didn't realise I missed a day posting to you.. and also thanks Freda for the post ? xx

So had a shift from hell yesterday. As it stands and I made it clear to my boss, i should be bringing resignation letter today. I haven't written one yet but I see how I got affected and to be fair i cannot take it no more. ..as they say, the straw what broke camel's back huh..  

Well, anyway.

I see the argument about bullying kicking off. Not a surprise and those comes and goes. Been at the receiving end of this over a year ago..user still posts...lol..under different user name but still allowed here.  

That is fine with me. I moved on from that part of circus & it's clowns. I am aware there are few WhatsApp groups around and that also dont give me grief as all for their own...whatever helps huh...and if they talk bhiind my back that means how sad their life is.

I am on GamCare for myself...for the first rime, i put myself first. I support others when i feel like i can offer something and if not, i stay here and ramble on to myself.

May long this platform continues. Good bad and ugly.

No gambling but thoughts are brewing.. this time - factors from the outside life. Gotta stay strong for sure.

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Another pretty dark day. Worse than yesterday tbh and I just don't know how to snap out of this anymore.

I made shocking decision in regards to my gorgeous baby girl and she is not here with me tonight...and house is so terribly silent, lonely and cold. I thought I do the right thing by her but now...in this clear early morning, i see how of a big mistake I have made. She is in good hands, she is loved and cared for and I know she had a good day with lots of ball games and smiles..maybe, maybe it's for the better because presently I am not fit even to look after myself. ..I am broke, emotionally.

Not sure where this darkest cloud came from and why it gripped me so bad but I didn't recover yesterday...

I was on a phone to Samaritans for the biggest part of my journey talking...crying, talking. It lifted the weight off briefly but as soon as I got into work, i collapsed again.

I had few meetings and all I did in between them was cry. I cried in front of a colleague too and he said he understands my pain...depression is hard to deal with, esp when it hits us so hard. Bless him..he wants me to get in better place mentally before I make any rash decisions about work...I know I performed appalling yesterday, i was in a gaze/ fog all day. I missed things, i didn't understand things and my alertness was all time low.

I also think he is right...I need a jolt...jolt back to life, something extreme and separate work from home life. This is a MUST. How will I get there, i honestly don't know.

One minute I fight, the next I want to give up. Which side will win?..how to snap of it...what other help can I ask for..how to accept that I need help and to start healing. I do not know..I just don't at this precise time.

Running away never helped but why oh why I see it the only option again.

I hope to sleep tonight. It will be strange without warm bundle beside me but I know she is safe and that is all what matters to me at this time.

Just for today -do not give up a fight...

S&B xx

Oh, Sandra!

Sorry to hear you are feeling so low. I think maybe your state of mind made you feel your dog was better off without you but I'm sure she does not feel that way.

I know you have a strong work ethic but if you are feeling so bad, think about taking some time off to rest and cry and feel. Sometimes keeping busy is avoiding emotions that need to be felt. You are strong enough to face these emotions, I know you are.

Keep talking to supportive people. You make a positive difference here on earth. 

It's OK to not be OK for a while. I sometimes think gritting ones teeth and "fighting" depression can make things worse. Your feelings are asking to be felt. I know you get intense ones, I can relate to them being daunting. 

Be kind to yourself.

f x

Many thanks for posting on my diary Sandra. Your words offer great food for thought and are a great help in my recovery.

I have just been reading your diary. It saddens me to think of you suffering and I hope that you are soon feeling better.

Remember, you are in the thoughts of your gamcare friends and we are all wishing you well.

Stephen x 

Thank you so much you wonderful people. I will reply in due course, ..I need to recover a little more to gain the concentration and form proper replies..but I appreciate it so much...thank you ❤

Hi diary,

The storm from recent episode has passed. However left ripples and bruised me quite bad.

I found my voice last night and spoke quite a lot at work. Like a new born, i was laughing and just being my old self but deep down knowing what sort of opinion had already been formed about me. It's ok.. I couldn't hide my feelings 2 days ago. ..I simply couldn't pretend anymore.

We talked about mental health all morning to be fair..difference between depression and a "bad day". ...PSTD and so on..I didn't interact much in this discussion but I listened indeed...

I am in a way very surprised I wasn't hospitalized two days ago. For my own safeguarding. I am almost certain it's because I didn't say the words out loud, even if it was written all over my face.

To be fair, i had no fight left in me and I would of gone along..unbelievable when I say this now but it's the reality. Somehow I managed to drive myself in such despair, i didn't know myself what's going on and what's best for me. I took it to the next level I never thought I will but the mind is such a sensitive piece of being..can be really fragile as well as strong as rock...depends what you tell it?

This morning was a big reunion with little girl. As soon as I set my eyes on her and welcomed that hug, the weight dropped off even more. 

I was physically exhausted as well as sustaining a little injury last night (accident). I caught fatigue to get us back home safely as I was so tired and almost dropping off at the wheel. As soon as I unlocked the door, i think large piece of me finally managed to let go of pain and hurt mentally (also felt extremely dizzy down to no sleep last two days) and I almost collapsed to the floor. I went to bed immediately and what a sound sleep it was. How peaceful sleep! I slipped off to the place of relief of this pain I caused upon myself over the last two days. ..I let go of it.

Back up on my two feet now...kneecap has gone again and wrist is swollen following the injury but my mind is coming out of the fog.  Again...blessing.

The paw steps around the house is music to my ears again! I love her so much and i will always do. ..unconditionally.

The lessons learned and knowledge gained...once again - don't suffer in silence. Speak, talk, share. Don't keep it in your head, it can be damaging. Talking is the best therapy out there...truly is...with it comes strength and understanding of yourselves and others....there is also acknowledgement that's you're not the only one going through tough path in life sometimes...and most definitely don't have to fight this on your own.

Strength to all...in all aspects of your life.

Be kind to yourselves, you MATTER.

S&B xx ❤?

Hi diary,

So arrived to day 90 ?..good, been a while since i reached this mini milestone of clarity.

Been a long day & night and still didnt sleep so am expecting little ripples later on but if I will be smart enough (unlikely), i will just have a early night. 

Morning started with rain but I see sun is making it's way out of the clouds and it's great stuff for this soul.

No work allowed for these days off. All means of communication with work has been physically taken away from me before I ended shift (thanks to my "brother" in arms who is....is looking after me since my meltdown). ..Will see how it goes and hopefully knowing I cannot check, will give me peace of mind!.

Not much else to add. Counselling later on which im dreading already. Have to be honest and tell her what has been going on recently in this head.

Anyway, on a good and positive note - 90 days of freedom from slots.  I am proud of myself.

Blessings 

S&B xx ❤?

Well done. All of those things you mention are brave - including switching off from work. 

f x

Thank you hun ? xx

Morning diary,

Its cloudy outside and almost wants to rain but I'm greatful to be facing this morning and look forward to what the day brings.

Really honest and open session with the counsellor yesterday. Truly felt that I can say everything pressing my mind without fear of judgement or risk of reporting.

"Glass half full", what a amazing statement. Balance is so important in this journey and all life's walks.

I still feel fragile since episode earlier this week, still feel vulnerable and a little scared. I truly accept I need help. I self referred to MH organisation and shall go from there. There is no shame in depression. MH is like a baby we need to nurture and look after...sensitively and with care.

I shall go back to the gym today and have a light session. Knee still hurts and I know I cannot perform 100% but would be nice to do all i can without creating more damage.

So good to have little girl back. All those familiar sounds and actions she makes truly brings my heart peace and joy. I love her so much.

May you all stay blessed and safe! Have a wonderful stress free day.

Much love

S&B xx ?❤ 

Posted by: SB28

Hiya 🙂 thanks my dear friends

Diary,

Well, another day in recovery. Another 10 miles complete in my run and just a little more motivation bein found recently. Good...tiny steps forward ☺

Bk in working land and no issues there so far. Sleep or shall i say lack of it is bk in the picture...so..same old same old lol

Little goal set for July. Get myself out for a good festival, only now started to look forward to it which is positive also. Only wish is lovely weather..but sometimes ya cannot have it all can ya 😉

in a mood of music so excuse me for getting on all of your nerves lol.gals gotta do what they gotta do sometimes 🙂

No gambling - no problem. Looking ahead and saving saving saving so my life can kick start again. A bit more normality and my own place is just long term goal i set for myself..plus a dog of course! Anything is possible if i keep making the right choice 🙂

https://youtu.be/_tBH_0BpH5U

Take care all and stay safe

S x

I reread this...not even sure what prompted me to look at my diary! Well, part of it was a blessing having my posts back and I guess converse with Eva about how far I have actually come.

So this was written 4 years ago. My goals....a house & a dog. Well, i accomplished those and also got my dream career in a bag also! 

So why I'm still struggling? 

Maybe it's time for more goals to set? ..I think it is, life has to have a purpose. ..only then you know you're LIVING.

Deep thoughts alongside a good time. ( my taste to music haven't changed which is good...still young'ish soul ??...or more so - raving heart lol)

S&B xx

Morning diary,

A sense of peace and calm returns. I know this feeling, I had it before. The trick is to maintain it huh.

Read my diary last night. Yup, didn't have much else to do so sat for an hour or two and went through my journey of GC. I can be quite funny character huh, i actually laughed out of my own thoughts.

I also read my lows. Dear me, they can be intense...and quite angry.

The main character of my story remains, with more knowledge now, more appreciation and possibly having survived more pain in these 6 years...stronger?

I still have a lot to learn. Law of live I call it. Managing my own feelings, reactions, actions, decisions. Learning to let go which brings image of a tree to the fore front of my mind. Yes, how they change over the seasons. Let go of the old, comes back to life with a new..refreshed and so powerful.. gentle growth and expansion. Welcoming rain and sun in order to progress their being. Holding birds on their branches and letting them sing their song..song of life. Providing humanity oxygen and cleaning the air. Providing us smile and joy to the eyes witnessing the colourful transformation, giving us wonderful smell..we are breathing in life...and we also use it as a shelter, let it be from rain or sun. ..makes me think why we hide from those while trees stand tall, take it and use it for their growth.

Well, now I stopped talking about trees, i shall come back down to daily mussings. 

I managed to talk quite a bit last night. Just felt I need to share. Possibly was also scared to slip back to the dark place mentally. It actually worked. It was good to exchange thoughts. Took me to the higher level of being, made me feel I belong...made me feel more alive and am here for a reason. And that was/ is a blessing.

I shall take a day off from the gym today. Made this decision just an hour ago. I shall go and visit my friend I havent seen for over two months and who...I believe I hurt back then because I didn't support her as friend should while She transitioned through the life...to the new chapter.. 

I also just got some sad news from my country. One of my classmates mum has passed away. .... the "caller" is asking if I can attend the wake. ..which is impossible as it's today and I am in different country.

I asked for the phone number of my classmate. I shall give him a ring and pass my condolences.

To be fair I am a little nervous because the person was extremely big bully to me back then..it was quite bad what he used to say or do...and here my thoughts comes back to the growth, knowledge and letting go....forgiveness and offering support as the law of life teaches us....we are only humans. Humans who has something so strong in them. Relating to pain and being there for each other on tough times no matter the history they may have. Showing that important element of human being - compassion.

Interesting thoughts today dear diary. 

I guess I will leave it here. Will take little girl out, appreciate the life around us and be greatful for here and now....

Blessings

S&B xx ❤?

Sandra you poor dear. That is such a traumatic memory for you to carry around for all these years. I cannot begin to imagine the emotional turmoil you must have experienced because of it.

My heart really goes out to you. 

Take good care of yourself.

Stephen x