...

Morning diary,

Jeezz, i am so physically broken it is hard to move! To cut long story short, little Jack (ankle biter..the one you see in a MASK movie) dominated the whole double bed whilst myself and lil (26kg) girl slept wherever we found a space...meaning me on the corner of bed performing gymnastic tricks hoping to get some quilt to keep warm and lil girl residing on top of the pillow, on my head! Tell ya, it wasn't the exact brill view and most definitely not the most comfortable ones! The problem is, i am not sure why but lil guy Jack wasn't happy to be asked to move slightly and kept growling every time I attempted to do so to gain some space! All in all, a chat with sister awaits to find out what the heck! Lol...this little terrorist will be banned from bed tonight me thinks as I don't think I can take another bones breaking night...

Rant over.

Yesterday was tough. As predicted I guess. Talked about things I never did before. Was asked questions I was never asked before. ..which raised more questions in regards to my actions back then..but, i cannot get into child's head to be honest. I cannot recall what I was thinking half of the time.

Deep down i know I shouldn't blame myself. I know it wasn't my fault...it's just, i need to work through this..and, as assessor said, it will be a complex one so many different incidents given.

So I came back home. Stuffed my face like never before. Also had a drink. This is still ongoing and I know I need to address it. When I was asked how much I consume and I responded, the person thought it's weekly intake....Ohh no no no...it was a daily one and I know I'm bordering it progressing again so need to get it under control before it spirals out again. Strange when you know what it does to you but you continue such behaviours.

Anyway, yesterday shook me up. Talking over the phone or emails is different than being at the place physically. I've seen many survivors too..and I've seen quite welcoming and calming notes on the board thanking for the service. Those loudly spoke out hope, life, strengh.

Maybe, maybe one day I can pin a note from myself on that board. As a sign of freedom from the chains I carry with me.

No gambling! No intention and No interest presently. ..but as always - one day a t a time.

Stay safe all, blessings

S&B (& J the ankle biter) xx

Thanks Stace, reposted xx

Whilst am away from full house and about to work hard at the gym...I warmed up to this great DJ...and here goes, good stuff to kick start the excersice ??

Stay safe all

https://youtu.be/CS4tPoKndfY

Well done, Sandra. This is huge, what you are doing. Your bravery will pay off, I'm sure of it. These people will understand all of you. The rage, the self-harming - isn't that what drinking to excess is, after all? - , the isolating, the depression. You see, it's all very normal and natural, for someone who has been through the things you have.

I can relate to the urge to self-harm or self-destruct. So many of us are taught a lie - that we don't matter. It goes in deep into the mind if experienced at a young age. Why would we take loving care of someone who doesn't matter? Makes sense, in a roundabout way.

Keeping at it in the gym will definitely help.

You're doing better than you think you are x x

Hi Sandra 😉

Difficult times when opening when dealing with the past huh ? , getting it all out there is all important to letting go of the past traumas of our live's and your working it girl One day at a time . 

You asked " Do I still make you jump when I post on your thread " and the answer is deffinately  " No " not like the old day's huh , I guess we all change as the years roll along on Gamcare and learn as we go :)). 

Regarding the dog's and the bed ???? .......... When I first had my little'un years ago my commands were " She doesn't go upstairs , she doesn't get on the sofa and deffo no sleeping in the bed ........ That lasted about 4 day's as it was like having a newborn around crying for attention . My partner has two small dog's also and fighting for bed space with her and the 3 hound's is a constant battle and shamefully one I always seem to lose but I wouldn't change anything TBH :)) .

Wishing you well with your day and much love x 

Thinking of you S ❤ 

My son is doing very well (for today). Thank you for asking.

Cathy

Aweee, you lovely lovely people.

I was thinking about what Stace posted earlier this week. Me being respected....now, let me stop laughing (through tears) and truly aknowledge how I managed to mess it all up on this Forum. When you take things for granted, you loose more than you can afford, ..emotionally and spiritually...that's how it presently feels to be fair. I lost a lot throughout my own actions.

@Stace - (gonna hit you with a e-mail here lol) . Thanks for your post. It's good to read that you're tackling your drinking problem. If it gets to the comfort stage - it's all red flags and bells ringing. 

I don't drink daily and I don't drink as much as i used to. Now i know full well I will have a week of sobriety due to work commitments. ..so some sort of "moderation" is present. I also told the assessor yesterday that I am fully aware of the problem. I would get whatever I think is enough for me for the night (and I don't handle much now tbf) and I would not go back to the shop for more...now, if I had more in a fridge i am still confident I would empty it by the end of the night...so i am very aware of the problem here and dangers it poses.. I cannot stop. Same with gambling. Help is out there, its the matter of reaching out for it!

@Freda (hitting you with an email also ?).  Massive well done on your continued journey. You sound like you made massive strides already! 

I was dissapointed with gym today. Got bored on the 3rd K but carried on till I hit that 5. And lifting wasn't exactly appealing either.. maybe , cause it was my 3rd day in a row. They do say you need to give time for the body to recover.. in regards of addressing past...thank you so much Freda for support and kind words. It's difficult to see how much progress you are actually making huh. Yes i still doubt it. I am not sure if I'm ready to face it. I'm scared what it may do to me. So far it has been shocking rediscovery and I only spoke about it openly for the second time.  I am not sure why i do this now...after so long, but again, maybe its something what people describes as "clicking". I know the recent breakdown plus my work was main initiatives here, and also my counsellor. I'm almost feeling, its now or never. I gotta do this. ..and I also almost believing.."it will get better, it will not hurt this bad constantly". 

Ps, Dua Lipa speaks a lot of thruth in her songs and I do agree, i guess she went through some patches in her life!..quite an inspiration huh ?

@Alan-135 (do not jump if you get notification through the email ?). Cheers for your kind words, appreciated for sure. Dogs are amazing! In my recent chats with strangers, Bella was mentioned each time and they go "awwweeeeee"...what a amazing therapy you have there ?. They are innit, they are truly amazing creatures. Ha, it made me smile when last night they both laid next to me on each side...I thought "brilliant....nice and warm, they're relax and dreamy, peaceful night awaits...."..however the horror followed throughout the night as I already mentioned ?.  I spoke to sister and she almost wet herself with laughter hearing my outburst about broken bones! She assured Jack wouldn't bite, he just growls when being moved from his spot...lol..I think myself and Bella were really scared last night lol..and so we let him take over the space ?..just to keep peace! 

Well done on your ongoing journey, you are an inspiration and I am glad to have you in my circle of friends here..thank you ?

@amom ..thank you my dear! I am so happy to read about your son ?. We are our own future builders huh...I suppose you, as a mum...it's a miracle unfolding in front of your eyes to see such transformation and happiness/ peace on your son's face...May long this continue, i do hope you look after myself also ❤❤❤

So....about to leave for a journey lol..2 doggies, one car...not sure if they will behave as it's first journey together. Seatbelts - check and pray for peace and calm ?

Thanks everyone again, stay blessed

S&B (&J) xxx

Grrr...why we cannot edit after a while.

I meant to deliver to @freda and @alan-135 

Oh diary,

It's difficult evening if I'm honest. Too much is running through my head. I am anxious and feel like panic attacks are closing in by the minute. 

Thought about gambling more than I did recently. The feeling it brings. The fake smoke screen where all the problems dissapear. Zombie state for sure. Up to this day I cannot fully accept how it affects human being. Complete zone out....only to come back to reality. Bleak reality with extra troubles. It's definitely a mind drug. Truly is.

Am trying to stay calm. ..maybe I will read a book. Tbh I haven't read one for ages. Usually pass out on the first page. That's either tiredness due to work..or another evil I befriended on days off ?. Need to get in habit of reading again, it used to help so much!

Well, my fur friends are by my side again. The difference is, i chose a single bed tonight ?..not sure why...I have a feeling I may regret this in a morning. Presently it's peace and quiet. Jack near my feet tho so...ohhh, i best stay still all night ?

This reminded me of one video, never getting old and still makes me giggle. ..Presently, its Jack as I see him since got to know him better ?.

Gonna try and have some sleep. Early day tomorrow, work cycle begins. Let's do the best I can..

With the love of God, i shall remain safe, commited and true to myself and others.

Blessings ❤❤❤❤

Ps. As promised - anyone up for a giggle this lovely Thursday evening?

https://youtu.be/DLu2CFDBJk0

S&B (& J) ?❤??

Audiobooks.

I lost the love of reading and found it hard to get back into it. I now have a decent set of earphones, half decent phone* & I go for a walk at the same time as listening.

Kills 2 birds with one stone. 

Recently read (listened to) The Humans by Matt Haig. I enjoyed it because it reminded me of the beauty of being a human. 🙂

*a half decent phone with S****y auto correct meaning I have to edit posts. 

Hi diary & thanks bdog for the post! Sound advice and i may try audio books one day!

Has been couple of hot days in UK huh. Not so much fun to spend them in a car but it is what it is.

Am quite up & down recently but still in the search of that balance...at least a little..a bit of calm and peace.

I am still bouncing back regardless what my mind dishes me with,...when i will stay flat on the floor, deflated, that's when  I need to worry I guess.

So, as people say - progress is being made (even if i cannot see it).

Tired mentally and physically today but good news, few hours of lay in tomorrow and hopefully can hit a gym...one I never been before as I'm not at home but...weights are weights and treadmill is treadmill right..wherever you go ?

No gambling! 

Blessings and peaceful evening to all...

S&B (&J) xx

Thankyou for posting on my diary Sandra. Your advice and encouragement are greatly appreciated.

My intention is to start a new diary soon and try again. 

I hope you are having a good weekend.

Stephen x 

Hi Stephen, thanks...New diary? Going to sound very pooooooo here, but what will it change? And how long for?....we are here for you Stephen, you know that...but repeating same cycle & expecting different results hardly ever works...if ever...

Much love to you...you know its well intended!!! Keep posting

Diary,

So went to the gym this morning. I felt a little "dozed up" or better word - whacked over the head with a branch or something. The thing is, last two days I had this "amazing" cup of tea to help me sleep...and oh boy dont I sleep! However I feel sleepy upon waking up and throughout the day. Which tells me that those herbs are not as natural as it says on the pack lol. Gym sobered me up a little but again, i sat down and the "fog" descended again ?

Feel a bit lonely but again, nothing new here. I got a long way to go to start loving myself and accepting my own company positively. ...only then I think I will be able to go out and face the socialising stuff...probs should be vice versa here but thats where my thoughts are.

Hoping for a good shift tonight...I can but hope.

Blessings

S&B (& J) xx

Hi diary,

Another day notched down. Maybe it's true that they say that it takes 90 days to change your habit. Last gambling session seems far away and not so "fresh" in my mind. I am very aware that one wrong choice could spiral me back to the devastation I felt over 100 days ago. If im honest, i am almost awaiting the pressure to return as my loan I took out in February rapidly shrinks. I know I will struggle financially let's say in few months as I will have to live wage to wage which is enough pressure itself...however, i shouldn't let it get to me. I have opportunity for overtime but due to my commute I never take it on as I feel knackered as it is after my set. I guess will just have to navigate and count every penny, possibly make a budget for a month or so.

Tough last few days at work. Some people.....grrrrr..

Dealing with social services helping families and seing kids suffering has got to me and I feel extremely sensitive in this respect. Why some people even have kids if are not able to look after them? Truly P****s me off. Kids are our future...they are today and tomorrow, they need love, education and care..they need us as adults to show them the right way to live...

Anyway, rant over! 

No gambling ?

Another day full of appointments awaits..I best breathe, smile and do my job to the best of my ability....can indeed be challenging sometimes.

S&B (J) xx

Hi diary,

So day went downhill to be honest. From being called a b***h on here and shamefully letting my dark side come out and ratiliate (last time it was few years back when my dog got drawn into argument and i wouldn't have it one bit) i continued on my tense journey throughout the day...at work...at home.. 

I'm really tired of all the S***e tbf. I have enough dramas in my life to keep taking on some more from somewhere i count safe and secure place.

I've been out of sync this week. I'm not at home and everything is different. I have no routine left. Would go to gym tomorrow but not sure if I will make it add this alone upsets me ?

Maybe just bad mood...maybe I need rest. Tomorrow (today when i wake up) is another day....yes...let's hope it is a better one.

Take care and blessings all

S&B (&J) xx

Ps. Taken few minutes to get on FB and this lightened my heart immediately..thank you Tracy for the share. amazing thoughts my soul sister ❤

"Don't allow a negative experience effect your day for the worse. We may not have the power to control everything that happens to us, but we DO have a choice on how we react to it.
We can take control and not allow negativity to creep in and ruin our positve outlook and way of life.

Love the people who treat you right and pray for the ones who don't.
Life Is about balance,
Be kind, but don’t let people abuse you, trust but don’t be deceived, be content but never stop improving yourself!❤️?"

People like that are rare diamonds in this world..

Xx