...

So I shall try that Monzo card...it's quite strange not to understand its functions. Feel really daft for that but I guess we need to try to get our heads round it. It's simple banking isn't it?

Had a phone call with sister. Either she or me didn't exactly supported the conversation. Annoying. She ended with "so you obviously have nothing else to say so that means there is no need of conversation". This actually hurt...yes, I have nothing to say cause it's the same old day like any other. Nothing happened for me to share...and I did share that I cooked and that's about it. 

She can be this straightforward. Is she having a bad day? Or is it my silence to her mentioning she will borrow money for studies? I honestly cannot help her financially anymore. ...it's the guilt I feel immediately when conversation about finances cuts off very quickly. ..she never did say but I guess I know what she thinks about me managing finances...this CG...waste of space.

Want to beat myself up actually. I feel upset with her words. That conversation dug deep....

S&B xx

I honestly don't think I can do this anymore.

My poor choices ruined me as a person, as a sister, as a daughter, as a work colleague and as my fur baby's mum. Im  ot a person any more.

.it's not gambling what destroyed me, it's me opening the door and inviting it into my already messed up life..inviting the false h8gh and solution to my problems.. It can only go one way really....

Don't sell your souls to this nasty addiction. Believe me, you're all worth so much more.

You don't deserve to be spoken to harshly, S. Addiction is the medication of suffering. Have you listened to Gabor Mate talk about addiction and trauma? I believe you deserve the same compassion he has for those living with addiction. 

Sending you lots of love.

f x

Hi diary,

Thank you Freda, hope you're well. ((((f))))

So diary, another week upon me. Was really struggling yesterday, mainly with urges. Had a good cry and a chat and they seemed to leave me to be for the rest of the night.

Have been very exhausted for a past few weeks. Work keeps throwing stuff at me, mentally, emotionally and physically..however...its work, its my choice in this life.

Still finding days off very challenging. Bored & lonely. There is no progress on friends front and i tried few dating websites too however its just..just not working. I found my shift patters can be a block also. ..esp when im knackered and can hardly communicate..i guess it sends wrong message to people, maybe thinks im ignoring or not interested in them. And to be fair, i hardly am..I'm just too tired for dates and similar..

So back to square one. Doing my thing at work and struggling on days off. Also figured i rather be at work than at home & so after one day rest and good 10hrs sleep, im back for a double shift overtime tonight. At this time, its the best option for me. To better my finances, to keep me away from another devil - drink, to stop me from feeling so lonely and to stop not so good thoughts entering my mind. Ashamed to say i felt suicidal just few days ago but again, ...i know what tiredness/lack of sleep/ food can do for the body and mind..i am very aware of this...balance so to speak. Cant find it yet but im still in the search of it.

Tomorrow...when i finally greet the sun and be back home late morning, i will also hit one month g free. Little celebration but progress has been made netherless ..just have to carry on on this path.

Following my exhaustion i also struggle with gym. Only went 7 times so far this month and those were a struggle. To top it off, i managed to drop a 12kg dumbell on my leg today ?...so now gotta nurse injury also..just praying i dont need to do runners tonight ??

So its me. Doing my own thing..on my own.. (thats a lie - i have my gorgeous beautiful girl here with me! I don't see enough of her but when i do...i give her my all love. .all i can find within).

Stay safe all, till next time diary

S&B xx

Hey, S ((((((((S))))))))

It sounds like you need connection without expectations. Maybe some sort of fellowship meetings would help? I used to go to CoDA meetings when I was quite isolated but still scared of making friends and getting close to people. It helped. I was just accepted in whatever emotional state I happened to be in that day. 

You are doing better than you think you are.

f x

Hi... I think I was reading wrong messages and then replying to them and not your actual mesages, so ive had to scrub and re-write and now am confused lol

Anyway hello... your doing mighty fine 🙂 

Hey you two! Thanks for the messages ?

Freda - i tried groups few times. Yes they helped me but i think subconsciously i put block for myself now..maybe to do with bad memories & how i started to attend groups...it was an amazing adventure/ transformation but now the thought brings me saddness..cant explain, i guess only I know what goes on in this soul..

Another day safely navigated. Had urges today as soon as i sat down earlier in the evening but now seemed to pass. Cant even recall having days off this set but in a way that was my aim - to keep me at work so i feel surrounded by ppl...and knowing I earn a bit extra!

Got a voice mail today. I found a missed call actually but i never pick up unknown numbers. ..so i listened to voicemail and my heart sank by the second. It was from the organisation I had support for my past trauma. ..they're sadly closing :-(...the lady in the voicemail must of apologised about 20 times...she sounded so upset...even if i stopped the sessions about a month ago by my own decision, i felt really sad emotion knowing that such great place is closing. Not enough funding is all i can think off..those notes stuck to the board came back to mind...those Thank you messages...those real life stories which was shared in those rooms, those people, those suffering souls..what about them? What about people who actually seen the organisation as the only way forward? How will they fight their demons now 🙁

What could i of done better to help them stay open? Could of set up donation page perhaps...got together few more partner agencies?

I dont know...its sad reality...the voicemail said they will get in touch when/if they re-open..its just sad that another support organisation is off the map...i feel a heartache for each and every struggling person...what about them now.. 🙁

Anyway, i guess thats me. Snuggled up with beautiful/lovely/adorable girl...i love her so so much!!! I absolutely adore her..my angel, my little girl..❤❤❤

No gambling, let the work continue and i shall pray for everything to go well...that little i can surely do.

S&B xx

Hi diary,

What i would like to use this time for is proving very difficult. I would love to fall asleep and rest before a nighshifter but i struggle to shut these eyes all together. I was never a nap taker really and if im up in the morning, i cannot retire to bed for an hour or two in daytime. I was indeed very tired this morning, after a drive and sorting bits at home out i was already planning for a shut eye and gym later in the day. ..i changed my mind. ..no matter how tired i felt, i went there instead of bed.

Even if my stiff body has recovered and is a lot more "alive", i am still feeling tired ?. 

I tried to not overthink today but failed. Images & my actions earlier this year is haunting me big time. Finances, emotional and mental struggles.

Finances can get recovered. I know it will take time but i will get back on track. I almost believe myself when i make this statement.

I would like a new car but this one is still taking me from A to B.

I would like more fancy and good looking clothing but these still keeps me warm and comfortable.

I would like a new phone but this one is still connecting me with the world and i can make phone calls..

A good holiday abroad can also be replaced with short journey to the lake or forest. ..Even camping is possible close by..few days in the nature..that would be amazing for this mind.

I think what im getting at, ..finanaces is not the purpose of life. As much as it is necessary to keep us fed and warm, the biggest joy & contentment is in feeling calm and happy. Accepting so many things and welcoming love for oneself.. thats where it all starts doesn't it?

I am  being nudged and suggested to make a move to London. With my work. ..im being told i will possibly save more then as there would be a lot of help regarding financial struggle. Im also being told my skills would be extremely welcome over there... i just dont know. Its a big city. Its busy city. I would not leave my girl behind so what arrangements can they offer in this case?..i didnt say no..nor i did say yes. ..there is a lot to weigh and for once i believe i want to make the right choice for me.

Its all a bit too much to be fair. I am not in the best of situations really. This commuting takes so much out of me. This wage is just about covering my monthly outgoings however that is only possible with few shifts overtime...

Im back talking about money huh..just how much it actually affects us and pressures us. 

Gambling? Easy buck? "Lucky" spin?...yes, those brought me to my knees as it is. I have become very addicted compulsive gambler whilst trying this recovery/abstinence way. Sounds bonkers, i know...but i got in the grips of it whilst trying to follow the road of trying to stop my little losses over 6 years ago. Can you get more addicted whilst abstaining? Why those relapses are so painful and devastating? ..and why they are worse than the last one?

Im ok. I havent gambled since last post. I shouldn't fear relapse because if i put everything in place not to put myself in such position i will continue to abstain...

Abstain/ recover..reborn moment.

So so much to learn. Forgiveness, letting go, learning to trust, love and live again.

One step at a time.

S&B xx 

Hi diary,

Tough one today. Day off and so a bit of a struggle. Received email from one of the sites offering xyz...it even has my username on it so guess im already a member. Yes i did want to log in..immediately, without a second thought. Didn't cause am conscious i have blocks in place. Thought about going round them but presently it feels a bit too much of a hassle...sigh. ..im nowhere near from recovering from this am i?

Supposed to get a call from staff on here today. Kind of arranged as precaution for my rest days...i always expect urges tbf & on the other hand, its good to chew on some cud with someone/anyone now & again as im still living in kind of lonely world....

No call came through so i best try and deal with my situation myself, somehow. ..ouchee indeed if im honest.

As of work..well...i had a laugh (out of myself) recently as i tried to fit in the group and their time off football. I said "yeah, take me on the team i will be a goalie lol..even if i have no clue about football...i followed with how sad i must feel to try and socialise and go to such extents. I think i was laughed at...they didnt take me seriously..they they said im very welcome to come in if im dressed in lycras and bra? ?..thats the banter in the team huh....i am almost used to it...however, no answer i was kind of looking for.

So here i am, ..working silly hours and still feel lost on those few days i have to rest/recover...once again, if i had means and ...not many responibilities (dog) i would be at work 24/7. ..not cause i like the place, only cause im surrounded by people..crazy or not...still people.

Another day g free..i pray it continues this way.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi SB28,

Apologies if we missed a call to you, and it resulted in a harder day than it might have been otherwise.

You got through it so well done : )

Best wishes, 

Take care, Forum Admin

(((((S))))) email me love, I'm here x x

There was a problem with chat tonight, think it was around 8.20 when it finally opened so don't think your banned from chat. x

Hi SB28,

I'm really sorry to hear that you feel we have not been supporting you.

If you would like to arrange a call back from one of us please email adviser@gamcare.org.uk a convenient day and time and we will be happy to speak to you.

We had a technical issue with the chatroom this evening which meant it opened late. Pleased be assured you are not banned from using any of our services.

Best wishes

Forum Admin

Hi... Hope you got some sleep and your feeling a bit less stressed today...

Thoughts are with you, yes you 🙂 x

Sun is shining brightly and the weekend's nearly here

Sending fondest wishes to a lady of good cheer

Sandra you are wonderful and I would like to say

I hope that you and Bella have a super duper day

Stephen The Redeemer x