And so im about to meet a sunrise..on my own and no support. I have listened to many songs...sad and encouraging.
The main thing is..i have no one. And i know it.
GamCare is side support...when on earth i give this one up?
I will not spk to sis...parents? - forget it.
All on my own..still...always
God bless me and my journey
And this is the end of tonight's antics ...reckon i was distressed? Down to you guys....
.
Time for sleeps this early morning.
G'night....god pls help you not to go what im going through
Bless....im safe (for the record GC)
S xx
Sorry if you are feeling a little blue Sandra but loved reading your posts and found your musical choices very inspiring.
Great videos and songs which reminded me that the past is done and cannot be undone but that new opportunities await to live a life of my choosing. A great adventure, a play in which I have the leading role.
There will be happiness, sadness, intrigue, love, betrayal and so on and so on but it matters not what challenges we are faced with, it is how we respond to those challenges that matters.
You are an absolute treasure Sandra.
Love and best wishes from Stephen x
Oh, San ((((SB28)))))
So sorry you've been feeling so alone. I am not getting a lot of time to read diaries atm. I'm always here, might just need a nudge.
A lot of people going through the mill at the moment. They say astrologically and spiritually, it is time to let go of things that are no longer working for us.
Keep posting. Wishing you strength! Take time off sick, sometimes a rest is needed to see clearly.
f x
Hi both...thank you very much, your support is appreciated xx
Diary,
I went to work. Did even longer shift as had a lot to catch up with (whilst creating new jobs as i went about ?).
Everyone was extremely supportive today. not only my shift but other ones also. I guess news goes around quickly in my place.
Umm..yeah, i kinda recovered. Was very very very hungover but somehow pushed through the afternoon...and night.
I didn't sleep well for about 4 days...like, an hour sleep to over 10hrs shift. I guess this affected me also. Not good. Yesterday remembered to eat also. Had a sandwich at work and actually wolfed it down. Again..i neglected my food for the 4 days too.
Its all getting back to steady mindset. Not perfect but i will take it over the distressed one yesterday...dear oh dear...that was really bad. I even cried at work...leaned against the wall outside, head in the hands...and it just was not a pretty sight i guess...its ok..noone seen me (unless they check CCTV..).
I miss my girl. Truly do. 2 days now without her. Will hopefully pick her up after tonight...tomorrow morning that is...
I did not gamble. I definitely didnt waste any money on anything as i didnt eat lol...well..ok ok...maybe i bought drink a bit more than recommended..
So all is ok...as ok as it can be.
I am hoping for restful sleep...like a calm after the storm. Hope it is possible....
Oh...and i got a recorded voice message from one person from over the pond. I have never spoken to her "live" but o*g how comforting it was to hear her voice! Proper angelic. She knows what i do for a job and she says she has these random thoughts about me...worry maybe sometimes...and no word of a lie, she popped on my messenger yesterday saying she thinks about me...right before the hell broke loose ?...almost an angel huh...truly almost an angel. Told her that this morning ...that i indeed struggled...and then i got this voice message...that is a blessing. I am not alone in this world. I am truly not alone. ...even if i feel like that in body, i know im not in spirit of good people's hearts.
Stay safe all, blessings
S&B cx
It sounds like you have a good supportive bunch of colleagues at your work. Remember that when you might be having a bad day.
Eat!!!!!! 😉
Smiling at ya and a hug (((( )))) x
Hi diary & thank you SA ❤❤❤
It has been a while since i last posted. I could & possibly should off as i was struggling...but its ok, sometimes we just must to get on with it...minute at a time.
Im ok. Im safe. Thats really important to me. Mainly cause i can just sit and admire my lil girl..who deffo brings peace to my heart and mindset.
Have been loved recently. Friends (FB) and family. All gathered together on my special day. I did appreciate it.
Im trying to recover from still lingering thoughts of recent events. Guess im slowly doing that. No more flashbacks (for now...)
Ummm, its a beautiful day. Sitting outside not doing much really. Stopped my excersice completely for the past 11 days..maybe a lot to do with events/tiredness/ lack of motivation. Im not beating myself over it tho. ..no ...i know i have it difficult and, i guess everyone in my position would.
Anyway, im ok. No gambling. Taking it day at a time, very pleased i have my companion beside me...
Stay safe all, blessings
S&B xx
Good to read you are being gentle with yourself.
Often people who are not in our close circles, do care very much - I believe you were meant to find that out from colleagues. We can only really find out by showing vulnerability.
I do understand though, that when you are "holding it all together" you are scared to create floods of tears if you open up even a tiny bit. I am like that, also. Cried like a child in front of my manager the other week and felt very exposed and weird about it.
Animals are such a blessing, they love unconditionally.
f x
Thank you Freda xx
Today..i just miss my girl. That's all I've got to say when the million of things going on around me.
I miss her, i love her, i long to see her again.. ..
S&B xxx
Ps. Thank you CrisK.
Hi D,
Well, another day. See im over a month from a year g free and about 3 months from my moderation reassessment. If i still hang around here by then...of course will lol...billy no mates after all so what else left?
Stressful times recently (as for most i guess) but chopping away at these struggles bit by bit...with
Reality is, i do struggle a lot however gloss it over with
Hi diary,
Last entry does not make much sense. ..well, at least i offloaded (even of edited afterwards). Got few "demons" to fight with and the one i edited will take much longer for my liking...and so for now, i shall keep this "toxic" friend. ...until i accept i am ready...
So, i am on my holiday! Plus lil girl is here too. Almost paradise ?.
Went for a midnight walk last night. That's right, in the dark, in the fields & river ...got my torch so not that bad! As long as we're both safe!..and she is my baby so of course her protection comes first.. my lovely girl, i absolutely adore her!!!!
Decorating house today...what a pain! Wrong choice of the colour as already applied four coats but garher it will need 5th ?. Will leave it for today, been painting from 1pm...
New workplace got in touch....my knees/ankles are truly shaking now..this is just too real! ..and im still 50/50%..which is truly unfortunate position to have in your head.
Anyway...no gambling. Im good on many respects. Completely stopped excersicing tho...which is not so good but maybe & hopefully life changes plus gym reopening will kick me bk into gear!
Lets hope - im all for the change!!! No matter how terrifying it may feel
Off to listen to some music. & maybe a chat later...this billy no mates also need some interaction..???
Blessings..stay safe!!
S&B xx
Glad you are taking some holiday!
Is new job in same role, just different patch? Your gut will tell you, I think, what is best for you.
I have slipped with the exercise at times but try and do maybe one lot of cardio a week, even 20 minutes. Just to keep those endorphins visiting 🙂
Hope the sun shines for you on holiday. Get some good vitamin D in you!
f x
Thank you Freda xx
Same role -different city. My gut is as confused as i am. Basically scared of the change i guess. As with everything there are positives and negatives too...but now im thinking if i have regrets if wont go for it ...and having regrets is also not the best stuff to experience. On the other hand, i am welcome back to my old place if this does not pan out..so will see .
Vitamin D? Ha! I happened to work earlies during the heatwave ?..so deffo got plenty of sun rays and tan on this face as a result!
Diary,...
14hrs sleep! Thats a bit of a pb lol..must of been tired....surprisingly lil girl did not complain one bit and snored her head off beside me throughout ?
Well....back to decorating then...no gambling
S&B xx
Hi diary,
Just me again. I struggled to express myself for a good while now. Want to talk and then i dont know what to say. Struggling to spit it out. Emotion...
Ummm..all the positive helpful stuff gone outta window really. I stopped reading/excersicing. I am walking dangerous waters now. Work....(toxic stuff) work..its not good, i know that, but...im stuck..sadly.
Sometimes, when i dont have my girl, i also think who cares...w*f.. just let go of your life..
When i get my girl bk, it takes few days to adjust. I am also a bit distant with her initially...its weird..because i love her greatly...
Anyway, want to talk but cant spit the words out..i shall self destruct..in silence instead.
Stay safe all
S&Bxx
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