...

Today has been difficult  day. Long day as well. I'm lying , not difficult  - just devastating.  I want to shut off and hide. Be left alone with my thoughts  and head. Dangerous  mindset...these does not help me one bit but that's  the only thing I want....to be friends with my escape routs....sigh.. ...

RIP dear soul. You shaken my world today.

I shall hug my girl strongly and breathe till the next challenge ahead... which will undoubtedly  come.

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Really emotionally draining  last couple  of days and I have missed human contact just  even if to sit in silence.

Since I have noone (I guess my past mistakes built the path I find myself  on presently), I went to the gym. Not sure what happened  there and maybe I truly needed to get the "poison " out of the system  but instead  of usual  1.30hrs, I spent  all 3 hrs there. Body feels like it went through  proper mill but it is  what it is. As I said, a lot has  been on my mind lately.  

Also am struggling  with up & go and last few days just stay in bed till almost time for work. ..not active  with gym at all...just too tired.

I've seen on news a good outcome  with the matter we went abroad.  That made me feel a bit better...it was worth every minute! I strangely  found peace as I'm sure many others involved  did also.

I was struggling  with urges lately. Maybe related with stress ...maybe not but urges were real. I guess getting  emails (from the sites I HAVE EXCLUDED from  few months ago) doesn't  help. It enrages me a bit if I'm honest. No respect  from those companies...I clearly stated the reasons for self exclusions..and now they "welcoming me and offers me bonuses!)

Almost 3 months g free...almost 3 months since my good work colleague  left us...I dealt with triggering  situations  last few days and even if work kind of checks in with me ...I still have to do what I do. But I feel  like...give me a break please..im not the only one on shift...hmm..I kind of am really as we v short staffed ?..

So yeah, I guess I just get triggers  right left and centre but so far, managing  to keep head above water..how long for? I don't  know...as I told someone  yesterday  -" I just get up for the day and hope for the best till its time to get to bed"...

Lil girl is better again and we make sure we spend as much time together  as we can.

That's  me. 

I cannot change the world, but I can do my part in making  it a better place.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

I think your doing mighty fine! 🙂 x

People ARE dying from this addiction.  FACTS. This forum Is for recovery. I feel we lost the point of it here...

Rant over

It was totally inappropriate ?‍♀️ 

100% agree with everything you said

If you have issues report it and contact gamcare, they do review  inappropriate posts 

Forums not all lost point, i've posted positive about my recovery journey today 

Lou

X 

I was thinking  long and hard about the different  paths of recovery.  Something  I cannot get my head round is - how you can even attempt  to get better/recover if you repeat the same action  what brought you to your knees I the first place?

I absolutely  cannot understand  it..for me its arrogance. Yes, when someone  still thinks they're superior and can do things in " controlled " manner. For me its as light smile on this mug and shake of the head thinking  how delusional can someone  get. Seriously...its pure madness to think that you're  cured whilst repeat  the same action ..same destruction...but in "controlled " manner. May I ask...where does control  fit in here? Do you feel in control meekishly looking back over your shoulder with all the mounted up debts? 

Maybe it does make people feel better about their situations if they rephrase  it " I don't have issue with this one"...ummmm...is it really a pat on the back for not being able to be honest with yourself and others...that addiction has got you beaten. Why some people  feels they need to continue  to fight against  it?...that is seeking control...control  which has been lost long time ago already...and so my personal  conclusion  on the matter - delusional mindset with a sprinkle of arrogance and belief that they are better than others...so the overall  picture I see is pure Maddness. 

But, all this being said, everyone  is different. Of course. We all have our opinions  and approach  in life.

What I will not have in my life and on here, is encouraging  such poison to others...let's not forget- vulnerable  newbies joining  this. Spreading  wrong initial picture may put so many at risk..its unreal!

Live and let live - beautiful thought but don't think I will stop barking when I see potential  wrongdoing and damage caused to others. Its not gonna happen.

Lastly - apologies to GC staff for my not so polite post/ e-mail but you see where I'm coming  from. Especially  after recent events when so wonderful  soul has taken their life cause of this addiction.  

It is all or nothing when you consider  change and recovery.  There are no half measures  dealing with this evil. It simply  impossible for those to take place.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

It's not arrogance some people are just aware of their boundaries. Some might buy a lottery ticket each week and not have any issues (not that I recommend that at all) but their poisen could have been the slots where they spent thousands. 

I agree i's best to avoid all types once you have a problem. But so.e people may have form of gambling that they don't find an issue even if there is potential this could escalate.

I sometimes do the odd raffles (I do feel some sort of guilt after sometimes) however I'm very aware of the amount I spent and ensured it was not out of control (again I don't recommend)

As you said we are all different however their is one thing similar we have all struggled at some point or another that's why we are here.

Some people have been at rock bottom or are rock bottom...others may just feel they've been spending a bit too much and are seeking advice to prevent. Some may not even be sure if they want to stop  everyone on here is different. But I wouldn't say anyone is arrogant just because they gamble..may come across like that but we've all been there and convinced we could win.

Lou x

Aaaa..I see. So not everyone  on here are trying to recover  then? I thought that's the purpose of the forum.

Gamble in controlled  way which "does not harm us". Excellent! My addiction truly likes this analogy but I shall stick to my own beliefs and way for now. 

Change requires acceptance and honesty.  I guess not all on here wants to change either...my bad then. I got all this completely  wrong...d'oh..silly me!

Maybe the forum should change the sections too then...instead of recovery  diaries, let it be " not feeding main addiction"...or "oops I gambled again but its OK cause I have no issue with this type". 

I guess I shall just rest my case here...too complicated  for me to chew on all the stuff..

Anyway,

My journey is on steady way recently.  Thankful  I did not succumb to the urges and so ultimately  this helps me to keep head above water. Peace of mind d and clearer  road ahead. I couldn't ask for more. Finances are beautiful  and may long it continue.  I still have few years to pay off my loan but small steps I suppose.  I did 3 years of it so time is getting  shorter and not longer. I shall take it ?

S&B cx

No some people might not have even entered recovery some people may come here for advice as they may think they have a problem or not sure..they might not even be certain they want to stop but want advice and that is okay there welcome.

 everyone's at different stages of recovery and the term recovery means different to everybody.

Some people might not be sure they have a problem or want to stop entirely but may come here for advice and there welcome too.

Even though I don't because I'm not bothered by them   I know I could go out and buy just one scratchcard without it escalating out of control. My problem is online sites. 

Everyone is different whilst I agree avoiding all types is best way for recovery its not a one thing fixes all. 

Lou x 

Hiya.... It is certainly a very common belief that many addicted gamblers think that if they stop one form of gambling but continue with another that they will be fine and that they don't have a problem with this "other" form of gambling because they spend less money on it. Personally I still think they are addicts and deluding themselves and they would certainly get shot down in flames at any GA meeting. The distorted personality traits and seeing the world merely largely in terms of money spent and money lost is all a part of the addiction.  But hey each to their own. We all learn or don't learn through our own lived experience.

I guess all am trying to suggest is that try not to take someone else's supposed "controlled gambling" to heart. I'd argue that most of us have quite poor mental health otherwise we wouldn't be addicts in the first place. Also some people may come along just for a bit of a row cos it gives them lots of attention and then they disappear again. Take no notice.

Glad you didn't succumb to urges

Hugs (((SA)))

Nobody seems to be trying to cause a row SA.

The person that posted about gambling did not mean to intentionally upset anyone and has apologised, there going through their own struggles too.

Noone appears to be causing a row SA, if you mean me because I replied then that not fair because I don't come and go for attention I don't think anyone on here does. Everyone's here because they have struggled with gambling one way or another. None of us know exactly what the other has gone through.

Anyway I agree well done on not acting on urges SB 

Lou x

We all know what's been said and unfortunately  these things kicks off now and again. Esp with specific user. So read the whole book before providing  statements  as above....please.

"Enjoy bingo and land slots" or v similar to this is proper spit to other's faces and I'm sorry but I will not tolerate it on here or anywhere  where my recovery is concerned.  Spiteful comment, that's  all.

SA, cheers mate. Looks like I spit my dummy outta pram again...not sure if I am learning from my mistakes...or this was actually a mistake ?. 

I hear you though...main thing is - I didn't  gamble! Hope you're  keeping  on the straight  and narrow too!

Diary,

Awful day at work. 

That is it.

S&B xx

That's very unkind I was only trying to be supportive on the forum.

That individual had apologised they had no intention to upset anyone. Its wrong you've reposted what they said when gamcare dealt with it. And spiteful is not the word for that user. We have a said things out line before including you so give them a break please. 

If it affects your recovery maybe avoid their diary and if you don't want me on yours that is okay too but please be kind it's a supportive place and the last couple of posts on here have had what I feel is some hurtful words.

Lou x 

Hi Lou.. have dropped you a note in your diary.

SB... I picked your dummy up before it landed in the mud, so no damage done 😉 

Hope you have a better day at work tomorrow x