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Hiya... I feel like I can understand the situation with your sister a bit more. My mate showed up again, looking hungry, no money for gas or electric in need of a bailout. I obliged. Its very hard to say no isn't it, especially when ya know and they know you have got a few quid in the bank.

Nothing like a long run to clear the toxic thoughts. I did exactly that today. The gambling demons were talking to me but I put them in their place.

Take care... S.A x

Hi San,

You're quiet, hope all is ok ( or at least as OK it can be in our world ). I'm sure you've heard it all before but start thinking about YOU, be kind to yourself & keep going.

Al

Hi both, thanks

All is ok in my world...well, as ok as it can be. Life challenges continues but I am still here for another day.

Balled my eyes out yesterday.  Sometimes it's needed  I guess. This time it was triggered  by a movie  "Kopi and June". Nice but also sad movie, esp for animal lovers. 

Not much else to report really. I'm still shutting down from the world and spending days in my own and lil girl's company.  I thought  yesterday  what will i do when she leaves my side and honestly cannot process such thought.  Too painful  and too concerning  for myself.

No gambling and no intense feelings to try to do it.

Take care all 

Oh...i also have some appetite issues. Last time I ate was 2am Saturday  morning.  Still until now I have no appetite and the thought  of food makes me feel sick. ?..I do drink fluids tho...lol..

Many ppl reports not feeling well recently,  certainly  few at work. Am not sure if something  more sinister  is going around ? 

Anyway, will try gym session...hopefully it will tickle hunger a bit.

Strange isn't it how some of us crave food and some of us don't. I find the only time I don't crave food is when i am ill. Covid hasn't really affected my desire to eat though and of course being in and not exercising at all means inevitable weight gain. Ho hum. I can't wait to get back down the pool and start jogging again...

.... and yes, nothing like a good film or documentary to stir up the emotions...

Anyway, sending a large plate of nourishment your way 🙂 x

Hey SA,...thanks as always my friend  ?

As of nourishing  food - got myself and lil girl a rack of ribs ??...still in the oven so quite look forward  to the feast! Sure she is also! Expensive  but decided to treat ourselves  because we deserve  it!!

I reckon  tiredness,  crazy work hours combined with stress and never ending  demands does affect me in the way of. ..no food  ..saying  that, mother nature paid a visit too so that may explain  overall  wellbeing thing before today.

Lil girls b day next week. All 9 years old. So excited  for her but also sad as time is truly ticking  away. ..she is almost all grey on snout now and ....seeing pictures  pop up just from 4 years ago makes me look in awe as there was zero whitness  back then. She does not appear stressed and is happy go lucky  lil madam...so fingers crossed its not my stress causing  her to grey before her time..

Bought her a football...her favourite  toy...well, and few other balls. ...arrived today and yup..I could not help myself so inflated two...now there are just scatters of the leftovers of inflatable  ones lol....keeping reall ball till the day! A little cake and good walk is lined up for the day followed by mountain  of cuddles! She loves them...

My lil life saviour...I love her so much.

Nothing  else to report.  Work beckons..Easter madness  shall commence!

No gambling...nearing towards  that year mark....once again...

Stay safe all

Xx

Diary,

I yet again find myself in this place..headspace where everything  is a blur and "not real". I know this feeling too well...and I honestly  don't miss it or want to go through  this again. It's difficult  feeling and the process  of recovery  takes a long time.

Just over a year and a half ago I found myself dealing  with this and I did accept  help then..it did help briefly and I am contemplating  to do so again but I just don't  want to waste anyone's  time. ..

I don't  know what to do...but staring in an empty space and having  thoughts "out there" does not help me, my colleagues,  job itself. 

Trauma is real.

I haven't  gambled. Truly couldn't  concentrate  enough  even just to press the d**n button. Wreck big style...sigh..

Thank you all for your silent thoughts  and good wishes for peace and clarity...I appreciate  it.

I am OK. ..ish.

Life indeed goes on and I received an offer of support  and still thinking  about it. Probably  I just need a chat or two just to help me process this thought process and let the sadness  go. I managed before and pain lessen ...it will never go fully but it lessens over time. 

That's where a human soul is really missed in my life. Not to talk about stuff directly but just bounce my thoughts so I can get a bit more clearer vision how to go about it and what to change so I can cope better. ..and yes, as we all do need time to time- a hug & to be told that things will be better. This is what I miss really.

Jumped on a redbull wagon yesterday  after 8 years of not drinking  such "poison". I know it is not good for heart work but I am almost crawling at work and needed the energy. Did work and felt strangely better and "on a go". It's temporary  release tho...and I must watch out so I don't get hooked on them again. It's not healthy energy stimulant.

Off to buy lil girl a cake and some candles and party hats. Preparations in progress  lol...oh, need to wrap her present too. I'm glad I will not work on her big day...cmon, I'm almost there.

That is me...here and not here but present in other ways...always

Take care all

Xx

Diary,

Last few days was a time well spent reflecting  on my goals in life. Not if I made much progress  but at least I didn't  sulk in my pain, ...etc

Got an email from CEO checking in with me and to be honest it took me by big surprise.  A lot gone on last week and with what he is checking  in ...did not really affect me that much. But I found it strange  when it said "it was brought  to my attention "...gulp...did someone  gone out of the way to report such situation? Not sure...its business  as usual for me. 

It's just not very common to hear from top bosses...so it makes me think why this situation  is suddenly  different  from others?

Regarding  what DID affect me, I reached out for a "chat" and that will be arranged  accordingly.  Just wanted to go through  my thought  process  with someone as ultimately  it affects my job. And I need to put stuff in drawers so it don't  affect me this much.

The rest is ticking  along and I'm chasing my tail with time to rest/work. Time truly flies!

Lil girl enjoyed  her big day being a princess and getting all the love/attention  she deserves!love her to bits indeed ❤❤❤

No gambling  concerns. 

Eating needs improving still

Sleep...when I get any time for that, I do use that opportunity  to the most lol

Stay well all

Xx

Hiya... so how did your chat with the big boss go?... felt supported I hope.

Sometimes I think that management don't know certain things about me, only to discover later that they do. Remember that you will always have colleagues that blab everything to management, if they think that there is something in it for them.

Hope your managing to find enough time to rest within your busy schedule. I wear my garmin watch most of the time now and it loves to tell me when ive over done it and need to rest... body battery it calls it.. and then it congratulates me when ive done my 6 billion steps etc 😉

Keep eating! If I was sitting next to you, i'd sweep half my food on to your plate... cos I don't need it 😉

A happy woof to Lil girl

Hugs x

Hey SA,

Thanks a lot. I found out that strange actions by top boss was triggered due to something  happening  repeatedly  over the month period. Basically  it triggers their action plan and wellbeing checks kicks in!

Ummm...I eventually politely  told them all to leave me alone...?..its sad as I continue to push help away but I guess its just me! I even cancelled  the chat with other person I supposed  to have today due to not wanting  to go over stuff again.

Anyway, it is what it is

Gambling  front is ok. I'm a month off 1 year g free...but also a month off 1 year anniversary  of bosses death...sad...very sad memories. 

Stay safe and well all!

Ps. SA...Im strangely  up early...so shall make myself breakfast! Food...lol...been a while and I miss old good omlette ?. Let the cooking  begin!!!

Xx

Hi diary,

Beautiful day and sun is out. Walkies shortly followed by gym and then some chill time in the garden. Maybe will put a fence up ...depending how strong I feel...lol...doing it by yourself  is not funny business at all...but doable if in the right mind and energy supply...so we shall see I guess. 

As mentioned on SA's Post yesterday,  sis is flying  off for holiday.  A bit of turbulent feelings as she always cries about  money  shortage which I usually  supply and the next thing she is enjoying herself. Just can't figure her out but also, on the other hand...if you're broke and shot to the ground ..does not mean you have to give up everything in the world. Life still goes on, dreams are still dreamt, plans are still made....

I am very different from her. A lot stable financially (shocker my situ given) but also very closed down on outside life meaning I just don't do stuff/spend money. Saying  that, following  my little collapse with MH recently,  I turned to "make me feel good" remedies  in the sense of beauty and self care. Nails done, hair sorted and thinking  of booking a massage session. ..so, basically  trying  to make myself feel better and it does work a little. ..thought if I die, at least I will die looking nice ?

Sad anniversary  coming  up and ex colleagues  are planning a get together  for a rememberance day. I am  not able to attend  sadly due to work but I shall pay my respects privately...in my own way.

No major concerns with gambling  but am very aware of the triggers and "one bet away" fact. So staying  vigilant,  ...approaching  a year no slots milestone and it's nice to know that I managed this long. Finances deffo improved  in this time and I even paid off one of the credit cards.  Just a loan left which I am chipping  away at steady.

That's me, stay safe all

Xx

Hiya... When it comes to money I guess its very hard when its your own flesh and blood. From the outside looking in, if you lend or give somebody money (cos they are in a tight spot), but then you find out they are going on holiday, then that's not good. But hey I guess its family and things are a lot more complicated.

You've done mighty fine on the not gambling front. Jolly good!! 😉 x

Hi SA,

Ya know, there is holiday  no more (as I kinda explained  to you privately  about tragedy we just had). She donated that money for it...which is really plausible...

If I could, I would turn clock back and lend her 10 times that..but I can't.

I am now not fit for work. I go through something  awful  and I am sure many others do including  my sister. 

I have no updates..its been a hamster wheel where I just went on and went on..until it snapped..broke and accepted  that I cannot do it no longer.

A bit piece collecting and putting  bk together now...huh... Hope I will get through  this.

No gambling  at the moment  but looks like I will have a lot of time on my hands now....dread indeed.

But sometimes  you cannot work it out both ways. 

I will try to take care of me...whilst juggling this "attempt" of support  the bubble  who is grieving. My sis very much included .

Stay well all

Xx

Ah am sorry I don't think I had much appreciation of what you and your sister are going through. My condolences.

Fight hard not to take the edge off what you are going through with gambling. It will only make things worse.

Time away from work is no bad thing, you have already made a huge contribution to the job that you do.

Thoughts are with you

Hugs ((( ))) x