...

I apologise about my behaviour  in chat last night. It was unacceptable  and quite nasty. I am disgusted  and disappointed  in myself.

I hope all concerned  can accept my sincere apology. 

S&B 

Diary,

It's very much so back and forwards  with my existence  on this site. Reality is, I am waiting  for any news/update/share....from the very important  people  I haven't  heard for a good while. And as awful as I am, I stick to the site...just ...(well, mainly) for that...5 years, 10, 15, or 20 or even when I'm no longer around, I strangely  have this unexplainable  connection  on here. Yes, In the background  there are things, I am not allowed to talk about...but, I must ask the question what holds me up on here.

Yes, I am a bad person,  I don't  conduct  myself well on here or behind  the scenes.  Funny thing (fact) is...not one soul asked me why I behave as I do? What's  wrong/what's hurting/ basically  why. I learned  to ask these questions  for a good few years because I know that the "front" ppl put out is not always  the main issue. 

I shall stay a baddie tho...with regret of course. 

Wish I could let go easily. I struggle here..so many souls I care about...such long silence  from all of them. What did I do or say wrong . Guess it's the question  what eats  me inside out. Shall I just give up? Life? What life...? Its purely existence. 

Even if I come across  as I don't  care...I secretly  do..every one and single  one of you.

My pain, not yours...I just hope you are all safe and well.

I am hoping  to move on...as I said...maybe few years to come. My apologies  for my personality. 

Diary - no gambling...some good news eh

S&B xx

Ohhh..ps...

Money...I keep giving  loads to sister. Why? Esp when I know I won't  see them again...its cause I don't  know how to spend it. But house needs upgrade,  so much needs doing  and yet, I give the cash away. A bit P****d with myself for that actually.  

She takes...I keep giving.  

I need to learn to love myself,  put myself  first..get things right...

Well, maybe hitting  a sack after 30hrs awake would be a good start..?...

Yet, as post above, my mind a bit on a highway with thoughts  of other users on here. How are you? Did you survive  pandemic ? How is recovery  going?

Miss you...

Hiya... Am sure your house is lovely as it is. My flat is a tip but its lovely as it is. No upgrade needed.

With your sister, it sounds like the more you give the more she asks. Plays on your emotions for sure.

You work all the hours under the sun. I am not working at all.

Its a funny old world.

Take care.. S.A x

Thanks SA..yes, house is lovely but still requires  maintenance...as everything  I this world.

And yes, I do all the hours under the sun. Not by choice last week, we simply had noone and so I covered more hours under the sun. The result of that? ...well, I had raging episodes at work where phones and stuff were flying  around the office. You keep us pushing, we will eventually  snap. .so here we go.

Also, all that work malarkey broke my mental state and I have to admit that I'm struggling a lot. But, let's leave it where it belongs, in the deep corner of my conscious mind.

I also removed one bank card's block for gambling.  Did attempt to deposit & play yesterday however payment  continued to be declined...sigh..maybe will try today, maybe something  changed.

So here I am really. Still very tired and recovering  with lack of sleep and genuine rest for the body. Not sure how to achieve  this..seem to fail at everything I try.

Maybe will watch some Saturday  TV to calm down and concentrate  on something  else rather than how to break already broken bank.....?

It's not even Saturday  huh...brilliant

Hi,

Just wanted to say dont worry about that night on the chat...... everyone knew you werent yourself...... everyone knows the real you..... do not fret...... ive also been on here many years....... have seen people come and go and were are a constant...... constants that can be allowed bad and good chats... moments of both clarity and insanity...... hope to see you here in the future as allways.... we are the gamcare constants..... i hope to see you on here in many years to come flying the flag..... dont deposit try to each and every day to not gamble.... just take it as we all do one day at a time..... if you can go to bed that night knowing you havent gambled that day youll wake the next day that little bit more at ease.

xxxxx adam

Cheers Adam,

Irrespectively of the time scale someone  is the user of the service I think obnoxious & derogatory comments should not  be tolerated full stop. I believe this site has zero Tolerance Policy so am myself surprised by the decisions made.  I will leave it there as shouldn't  discuss the matter. All I am trying  to say, that because I was on here for almost 10 years, does not allow me special treatment. 

Diary,

I did try to deposit once again last night  but it got declined..again. I put block back on that card and guess that was that. At least for now...

Today  I insisted myself to do absolutely  nothing  and just chill. I went gym 3 days on a trot and gave this body sweaty work outs...so definitely  wanted just to recharge and forget about any daily tasks at least for the day...I deserve  it right  ?

However...It's 12 o'clock  and I am bored off my head and a long chilly walk with lil girl did not do its service..and so...trainers are going  back on and I shall pond that treadmill  for an hour or so. Maybe a long run lined up ahead, feel the head needs clearing  of toxic thoughts...and body from toxins I so freely indulge...sigh...also I like the pain of muscle workouts..so maybe a good session on these legs today do I can barely walk tom lol.

I guess that's  me.

Take care all

Hi San,

Just wanted to say I like you fine just the way you are. No forgiveness sort, none given, no judgement either. Say what you mean & mean what you say is good enough for me. No you ain't perfect but nor am I. Rant, rave lash out. Whatever it takes for your well being & recovery. He Who Is Without Sin Cast The First Stone.

Best 

AL

Hiya... I feel like I can understand the situation with your sister a bit more. My mate showed up again, looking hungry, no money for gas or electric in need of a bailout. I obliged. Its very hard to say no isn't it, especially when ya know and they know you have got a few quid in the bank.

Nothing like a long run to clear the toxic thoughts. I did exactly that today. The gambling demons were talking to me but I put them in their place.

Take care... S.A x

Hi San,

You're quiet, hope all is ok ( or at least as OK it can be in our world ). I'm sure you've heard it all before but start thinking about YOU, be kind to yourself & keep going.

Al

Hi both, thanks

All is ok in my world...well, as ok as it can be. Life challenges continues but I am still here for another day.

Balled my eyes out yesterday.  Sometimes it's needed  I guess. This time it was triggered  by a movie  "Kopi and June". Nice but also sad movie, esp for animal lovers. 

Not much else to report really. I'm still shutting down from the world and spending days in my own and lil girl's company.  I thought  yesterday  what will i do when she leaves my side and honestly cannot process such thought.  Too painful  and too concerning  for myself.

No gambling and no intense feelings to try to do it.

Take care all 

Oh...i also have some appetite issues. Last time I ate was 2am Saturday  morning.  Still until now I have no appetite and the thought  of food makes me feel sick. ?..I do drink fluids tho...lol..

Many ppl reports not feeling well recently,  certainly  few at work. Am not sure if something  more sinister  is going around ? 

Anyway, will try gym session...hopefully it will tickle hunger a bit.

Strange isn't it how some of us crave food and some of us don't. I find the only time I don't crave food is when i am ill. Covid hasn't really affected my desire to eat though and of course being in and not exercising at all means inevitable weight gain. Ho hum. I can't wait to get back down the pool and start jogging again...

.... and yes, nothing like a good film or documentary to stir up the emotions...

Anyway, sending a large plate of nourishment your way 🙂 x

Hey SA,...thanks as always my friend  ?

As of nourishing  food - got myself and lil girl a rack of ribs ??...still in the oven so quite look forward  to the feast! Sure she is also! Expensive  but decided to treat ourselves  because we deserve  it!!

I reckon  tiredness,  crazy work hours combined with stress and never ending  demands does affect me in the way of. ..no food  ..saying  that, mother nature paid a visit too so that may explain  overall  wellbeing thing before today.

Lil girls b day next week. All 9 years old. So excited  for her but also sad as time is truly ticking  away. ..she is almost all grey on snout now and ....seeing pictures  pop up just from 4 years ago makes me look in awe as there was zero whitness  back then. She does not appear stressed and is happy go lucky  lil madam...so fingers crossed its not my stress causing  her to grey before her time..

Bought her a football...her favourite  toy...well, and few other balls. ...arrived today and yup..I could not help myself so inflated two...now there are just scatters of the leftovers of inflatable  ones lol....keeping reall ball till the day! A little cake and good walk is lined up for the day followed by mountain  of cuddles! She loves them...

My lil life saviour...I love her so much.

Nothing  else to report.  Work beckons..Easter madness  shall commence!

No gambling...nearing towards  that year mark....once again...

Stay safe all

Xx