...

Diary,

I yet again find myself in this place..headspace where everything  is a blur and "not real". I know this feeling too well...and I honestly  don't miss it or want to go through  this again. It's difficult  feeling and the process  of recovery  takes a long time.

Just over a year and a half ago I found myself dealing  with this and I did accept  help then..it did help briefly and I am contemplating  to do so again but I just don't  want to waste anyone's  time. ..

I don't  know what to do...but staring in an empty space and having  thoughts "out there" does not help me, my colleagues,  job itself. 

Trauma is real.

I haven't  gambled. Truly couldn't  concentrate  enough  even just to press the d**n button. Wreck big style...sigh..

Thank you all for your silent thoughts  and good wishes for peace and clarity...I appreciate  it.

I am OK. ..ish.

Life indeed goes on and I received an offer of support  and still thinking  about it. Probably  I just need a chat or two just to help me process this thought process and let the sadness  go. I managed before and pain lessen ...it will never go fully but it lessens over time. 

That's where a human soul is really missed in my life. Not to talk about stuff directly but just bounce my thoughts so I can get a bit more clearer vision how to go about it and what to change so I can cope better. ..and yes, as we all do need time to time- a hug & to be told that things will be better. This is what I miss really.

Jumped on a redbull wagon yesterday  after 8 years of not drinking  such "poison". I know it is not good for heart work but I am almost crawling at work and needed the energy. Did work and felt strangely better and "on a go". It's temporary  release tho...and I must watch out so I don't get hooked on them again. It's not healthy energy stimulant.

Off to buy lil girl a cake and some candles and party hats. Preparations in progress  lol...oh, need to wrap her present too. I'm glad I will not work on her big day...cmon, I'm almost there.

That is me...here and not here but present in other ways...always

Take care all

Xx

Diary,

Last few days was a time well spent reflecting  on my goals in life. Not if I made much progress  but at least I didn't  sulk in my pain, ...etc

Got an email from CEO checking in with me and to be honest it took me by big surprise.  A lot gone on last week and with what he is checking  in ...did not really affect me that much. But I found it strange  when it said "it was brought  to my attention "...gulp...did someone  gone out of the way to report such situation? Not sure...its business  as usual for me. 

It's just not very common to hear from top bosses...so it makes me think why this situation  is suddenly  different  from others?

Regarding  what DID affect me, I reached out for a "chat" and that will be arranged  accordingly.  Just wanted to go through  my thought  process  with someone as ultimately  it affects my job. And I need to put stuff in drawers so it don't  affect me this much.

The rest is ticking  along and I'm chasing my tail with time to rest/work. Time truly flies!

Lil girl enjoyed  her big day being a princess and getting all the love/attention  she deserves!love her to bits indeed ❤❤❤

No gambling  concerns. 

Eating needs improving still

Sleep...when I get any time for that, I do use that opportunity  to the most lol

Stay well all

Xx

Hiya... so how did your chat with the big boss go?... felt supported I hope.

Sometimes I think that management don't know certain things about me, only to discover later that they do. Remember that you will always have colleagues that blab everything to management, if they think that there is something in it for them.

Hope your managing to find enough time to rest within your busy schedule. I wear my garmin watch most of the time now and it loves to tell me when ive over done it and need to rest... body battery it calls it.. and then it congratulates me when ive done my 6 billion steps etc 😉

Keep eating! If I was sitting next to you, i'd sweep half my food on to your plate... cos I don't need it 😉

A happy woof to Lil girl

Hugs x

Hey SA,

Thanks a lot. I found out that strange actions by top boss was triggered due to something  happening  repeatedly  over the month period. Basically  it triggers their action plan and wellbeing checks kicks in!

Ummm...I eventually politely  told them all to leave me alone...?..its sad as I continue to push help away but I guess its just me! I even cancelled  the chat with other person I supposed  to have today due to not wanting  to go over stuff again.

Anyway, it is what it is

Gambling  front is ok. I'm a month off 1 year g free...but also a month off 1 year anniversary  of bosses death...sad...very sad memories. 

Stay safe and well all!

Ps. SA...Im strangely  up early...so shall make myself breakfast! Food...lol...been a while and I miss old good omlette ?. Let the cooking  begin!!!

Xx

Hi diary,

Beautiful day and sun is out. Walkies shortly followed by gym and then some chill time in the garden. Maybe will put a fence up ...depending how strong I feel...lol...doing it by yourself  is not funny business at all...but doable if in the right mind and energy supply...so we shall see I guess. 

As mentioned on SA's Post yesterday,  sis is flying  off for holiday.  A bit of turbulent feelings as she always cries about  money  shortage which I usually  supply and the next thing she is enjoying herself. Just can't figure her out but also, on the other hand...if you're broke and shot to the ground ..does not mean you have to give up everything in the world. Life still goes on, dreams are still dreamt, plans are still made....

I am very different from her. A lot stable financially (shocker my situ given) but also very closed down on outside life meaning I just don't do stuff/spend money. Saying  that, following  my little collapse with MH recently,  I turned to "make me feel good" remedies  in the sense of beauty and self care. Nails done, hair sorted and thinking  of booking a massage session. ..so, basically  trying  to make myself feel better and it does work a little. ..thought if I die, at least I will die looking nice ?

Sad anniversary  coming  up and ex colleagues  are planning a get together  for a rememberance day. I am  not able to attend  sadly due to work but I shall pay my respects privately...in my own way.

No major concerns with gambling  but am very aware of the triggers and "one bet away" fact. So staying  vigilant,  ...approaching  a year no slots milestone and it's nice to know that I managed this long. Finances deffo improved  in this time and I even paid off one of the credit cards.  Just a loan left which I am chipping  away at steady.

That's me, stay safe all

Xx

Hiya... When it comes to money I guess its very hard when its your own flesh and blood. From the outside looking in, if you lend or give somebody money (cos they are in a tight spot), but then you find out they are going on holiday, then that's not good. But hey I guess its family and things are a lot more complicated.

You've done mighty fine on the not gambling front. Jolly good!! 😉 x

Hi SA,

Ya know, there is holiday  no more (as I kinda explained  to you privately  about tragedy we just had). She donated that money for it...which is really plausible...

If I could, I would turn clock back and lend her 10 times that..but I can't.

I am now not fit for work. I go through something  awful  and I am sure many others do including  my sister. 

I have no updates..its been a hamster wheel where I just went on and went on..until it snapped..broke and accepted  that I cannot do it no longer.

A bit piece collecting and putting  bk together now...huh... Hope I will get through  this.

No gambling  at the moment  but looks like I will have a lot of time on my hands now....dread indeed.

But sometimes  you cannot work it out both ways. 

I will try to take care of me...whilst juggling this "attempt" of support  the bubble  who is grieving. My sis very much included .

Stay well all

Xx

Ah am sorry I don't think I had much appreciation of what you and your sister are going through. My condolences.

Fight hard not to take the edge off what you are going through with gambling. It will only make things worse.

Time away from work is no bad thing, you have already made a huge contribution to the job that you do.

Thoughts are with you

Hugs ((( ))) x

Diary,

Today was a tough  one. I've taken myself and lil girl round sis. Something  I tried to avoid  for the past few months. ..I knew it will be difficult  for everyone. 

She expected  "welcome" by her best mate...and he wasn't  here...I noticed she laid in his fav spot, just behing  the ashes which rests on a windowsill  now. She spend there all day. It was sad but also, something  so personal and appreciative to see.... she knew.. I can't explain animals emotions..but she knew and strangely  looked at peace in his spot.

Whilst so much going  on around me presently..supporting  so many souls & sis and Bell...I manage myself...yup..no gym  ..I don't want it now...and ..I did say I thought of dying to someone special (counsel stuff)...I am yet to carry on, I wouldn't put more on ppl at the min with my issues. I carry on..like a soldier right..I will carry on as much as I physically can...

Just an exhausted  day

..that's all.

Almost  365 says free...yes...yes...im doing  this 

Xx

Hi

I had very little appreciation while in action.

Now people I am kind of weird because I show appreciation towards people who are healthy and kind.

In recent years I was asked by a waitress why I am so polite appreciative and show gratiude to people.

I did not an answer yet my reply was fairly instant.

When I show appreciative and gratiude it is an expression of my values that day. 

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Thanks Dave.

A week off a year g free. Mixed emotions. It will be sad day due to the year anniversary but also I guess, I have to acknowledge progress I made regarding tackling  urges..etc  

Spent last 3 days painting  fences. From early morning  till late evening.  Day in day out. Yup, not even half way through  really as there are like 20 fences all together. It's slow process. Also noticed that being in my own head whilst painting,  does not dough favours. I self talk shut really and same thoughts  keeps going round my head. I thought  the experience  should be calming...its good to paint, but for me...its that chat and thoughts  of my own. Its a bit mental really. It's in overdrive.

Just managed to dress up for the gym. I truly didn't want to go recently.  Maybe I'm depressed? Maybe I am. Strip off day clothing and jump into bed and out of it In a flash as I'm P****d. Wake up and deal with consequences, put same clothes on and repeat the day. If that's not a terrible life choices...I don't  know what is. Maybe I at the bottom and the only way is up. Maybe..I just don't know.

Help is coming  but it's slow. And to be honest not sure what different  is it gonna be this time. Im 99% sure I heard it all before. You can discuss  things but actions must follow.  And I never follow the actions because I find it too hard or am too scared. And so I I always drift back into my old ways of existence. 

Typing this brings tears to my face. Here is me so unsatisfied  with life and there are souls who loves life, but sadly getting theirs taken away against their will...life is unfair. 

Xx

Diary,

Better day than yesterday.  It was good to talk, esp with the professional  who also has an insight in what I do (or very close to the point). It was reassuring  to speak to someone  who understands trauma..etc and who dealt with it themselves. Many pointers given and I just need to figure out how to apply it to my daily life/work.

I am a good person.  I know that. I experienced  a lot in this life and actually  I was told before that it's a miracle  I am still standing tall and strong. Yes, I may be broken inside but I just never give up. I want to see what tomorrow  brings, who I can help and how many tears I can reduce by not giving in to my own rushed choices/decisions. 

I talk about death openly. Maybe I need to accept reality of death because what you say and what you actually  feel may not always tally up. So I say how it is. ..I Don't like life, I am not enthusiastic  about it..and so it brings me to that link in that chain in my head - what can I do to change this outlook? What can I do to look forward  to my days?

.I need to break that link because, as we all know, if nothing  changes nothing  changes.

I feel a bit better regarding  recent  tragedy. Professional  helped me to separate my feelings and accept that it's not my pain perse. And it's not...I just taken it on as I always do.. I know person  or not, I I an empath. 

Still difficult  one awaits tomorrow  but I shall cross that bridge accordingly. 

You know...im ok. I am a soul who accomplished  so much in life, I do feel pride in that.

From the ashes I rose... ? 

So,...emotional  day as expected.  Many tears and holding  strong together,  as expected. Brilliant  bunch of friends I must say. Yeah....something to keep hold dear to heart .

Must be  a sequence recently  but I have another  though  one coming  up..year anniversary....

.  And then this funeral     ..   ...shock after shock   

Dear lord...what can I possibly  say...

Be there  for each other...that's all

 Xx

Hello SB28

Just wanted to say we're sorry you and your sister are going through so much at the moment. You are doing really well to work through all this and not let it impact your recovery. If you do feel this impacting your gambling recovery please do contact the Helpline or livechat. 

Take care

Deirdre
Forum Admin.