...

Hi diary,

Long time no speak. All is good with no gambling and I'm keeping my resolve and lessons learned. Not so great health wise but think with age I shouldn't expect miracles & aches and pains in this body is natural..lol

..I'm only 39 😂

Hope everyone is staying safe in this weather and looking after themselves. 

Till later diary.. x

Hi diary,

Firstly Merry Xmas all and Happy upcoming NY. I really wish everyone peace of mind and new path ahead. We are in control of changes.

Soo, it's been a tough one my end. No gambling as I blocks really are keeping me sane. Other issues present tho as it happens in life.

Worked throughout festive season and big day itself and it wasn't the greatest of days. Emotional let's say. Then,  boxing day my lil girl went poorly so all day spent at emergency vets with hefty bill to pay. Makes me think how everything is NOT about money at the end of the day. 

Family, loved ones ..matters the most.

To be honest I don't think I recovered from last year's break up. In fact, I am isolating again. I did try, don't get me wrong. I went away and put that smile on when needed but deep down I hurt..and now, past tow months I just gave up pretending. One of my mates clocked it actually and we had this discussion last night. I'm just once again not interested in life..dress up show up..I do that for work but that ends there. 

It's a lonely world. Truly is...and now ..my lil one is poorly I am not even sure of a timescale we have. It's heartbreaking to see her all dosed up on meds. I can't keep her on meds nor I can see her in pain..so...some decisions awaits hey..can't think of it..even clearing her room upstairs (no stairs allowed)  made me feel so sad and vulnerable. It's like what I (& she new) for the past 8 years..is no longer there, no longer in use. Upstairs is no use to me at all now apart bathroom..we are staying on ground floor. My body aches and I don't get much sleep but I cannot leave her here alone..she never been apart from me when I'm at home or in bed. 

New year..well..new year..I don't know what they will bring. I can wish for all I like (and we all know it's health for my baby girl) but I also have to be realistic here.

People say I gave her a fantastic life and love...all I can say, - she gave me this in return tenfold.  How on earth will I cope? Just how? 😔..I have no tears to spare anymore..I'm tired, in pain, emotional, isolated and feeling lost. You definitely have to approaches all the good moments whilst they last..and that's what I have taken out of past few years. ..enjoy the moment.

Sorry for a low post. I know things tend to work themselves out..its just not easy..it gets worse before it gets better.

Stay safe all, blessings for new year and new begging or...simply finding yourself again. Staying where you belong, amongst the ones you feel yourself with,  finding love and peace around you..new goals and hope.

S&B xx