...

It's ok Sandra. I totally get it. I have days like the one you are having. And yes, I have used the same twisted logic. That tapping at a machine might be a real treat. It ain't that's just it. Not like a bottle where you drink it you get high or that piece of chocolate you paid for.. it was good while it lasted.. The machine is completely random. In other words you pay and get nothing. It's rigged that way so that everyone spends more than they set out to spend. It's that much worse for people like us who are addicted because in the off chance that we do win.... WE DONT STOP. No matter what gambling for us is no effing treat kiddo. I totally get it... but, tomorrow morning when you get up realizing that you did not let yourself down your are gonna feel like a million bucks! ((((S)))) One minute at a time.

Thanx Joan, i know i'm not the only one feeling this way, and i'm grateful there are people out there who understands.

Now, diary, i have come to conclusion to calm myself down(obviously running and bath wasn't much helpful but i'm glad few hours already past) i need to keep writing, it is one of the ways to stay afloat to me. I wish i could support others, but i simply have no encouraging words at the minute...I am very P***** of with myself for feeling how i feel.There is always a reason to get an addiction...it is ok at the start, when you see it as little fun...until it gets out of control and you find yourself coming back to the dark place for some release.

For me loneliness playing the biggest part in self destruction. I can get out of my dept and do some really crazy things...i am not kind to myself...why would i be, when i seen so much pain in my Life, i see it as normal thing to beat yourself up for slightest thing...slightest slip or mistake...to feel worthless and not finding a place in this World.

Pain and anger triggers self destruction in my case...but i keep going...and days like today i think .." What for?"... i feel like i'm wasting everyone's time, i don't want to open up...i am crawling back into my shell...and that's no good, but it's me..pleasing others and not having desire to feel better for myself...just can't ...i think my purpose in this world is do everything i can for others, and no matter how much people say i need to put myself in a first place - i can't....Simple...i can't.

Now, wanting to gamble is soooo selfish, but see it from other angle today...i see it, " ok...i did what i can at work, i helped others, i deserve some time for myself...escape from it all...relax, close down with yourself...and spend few quid for yourself...gambling"....Now this is sick isn't it???????

Why i can't try to have MY life...not to live for others, but for myself,...be happier, like spend money on myself, smile, love, care....i feel i am a monster...who has stuck in a dark cupboard scared to show face....

Sometimes i can have heart of stone...only because i seen hearts like that in my life...no mercy..

Fantastic, lovely post i suppose, but it's the only place i can put my thoughts how it is...i know many ppl will read it...i might even delete it....but i had to put it down...

Few more minutes passed...and that means moving away from dreaded urges...Will i find myself again? or am i in this World to suffer?

God knows...

S x

Few findings on kindness to others.....

I have no desire to move mountains, construct monuments, or leave behind in my wake material evidence of my existence. But in the final recollection, if the essence of my being has caused a smile to have appeared upon someones face or a touch of joy within their heart…then in living-I have made my mark. ~ Thomas L. Odem, Jr.

Compassionate thought is the most precious thing there is. It is something that only we human beings can develop. And if we have a good heart, a warm heart, warm feelings, we will be happy and satisfied ourselves, and our friends will experience a friendly and peaceful atmosphere as well. This can be experienced community to community, country to country, continent to continent. ~ Dalai Lama

Still fighting... xx

Hi Sandra,,

I think most of us can be familiar with your 2nd from last post your not alone gamblers have this way about them 🙁

Take care

The bear x

Hi Sandra

Wow you got everything out there and good for you I always find writing it down always helps , it will get better i assure you time heals everything so they say just keep doing what your doing

Like bear says your not alone at some time we all feel that way , I know it doesn't help you much but the thought is there

Be kind to yourself

Castle2

Thanx Bear and Castle,

Struggled over yesterday, but made it to today. Will get there...I know i can...just try a little harder and move to the right direction.

Today is better than yesterday, and i don't ask for anything more:)

take care all

Day at a time

Sandra x

Yup, Sandra. I think many of us relate to your thoughts and feelings. I also tend to put others first in many ways, and often end up doing things I don't want to. And also have a hard time asking for help or accepting help. Heard that when you can't accept help that your heart is in the wrong place when you give it. Maybe. Something to think about, I suppose, and actually the more I think about it, the more it makes sense 'cause if someone really wants to help it actually brings them joy and by not accepting the help, you are denying them the pleasure of helping. And if the heart is not in the right place, then when you do help, it doesn't feel as good 'cause you're doing things you don't want to. Anyway... sorry,,, rambling on your journal this time! Whatever. I think you have a heart of gold!

Eeeek... just saw that my last comment was reply # 666 so had to change that.... superstitious old me! lol

Hi Sandra,

Thanks for my post of support, really made me feel great and we've not chatted before, hopefully we can from now on.

I've not read all of your diary just the last 4 pages or so, you are a little fighter you are, great spirit, writing all your thoughts down, anything everything, fighting every second, I know it's not nice but that's the way to do it, you are winning every day you don't have a bet.

I'm not sure about you but maybe we both slip when we are frustrated or angry with a situation in our lives. We go into that dark place for a little while because we are so used to running away and punishing ourselves for feeling low and messing everything up.

I don't expect you to take my advice but if you can go each year from now on and look back and only see a couple of blips, that hopefully don't cause much financial damage at the time, then isn't that enough, isn't that a great achievement for a gambler which is what we will always be?

In time I'm sure we or most of us will abstain for years but as it is so difficult, why beat ourselves up for gambling once, twice or three times in a whole year, I'm going to accept that this will happen to me more likely and when it does, as long as I don't lose much and don't start gambling regularly then hopefully there will be nothing to worry about. My recent loses I have confessed on my diary as I won't lie to my fellow friends but I'll keep this secret under the carpet, to avoid any worry amongst family.

Hope I make a little sense. But well done you on being a bloody good fighter! x

Hi Sandra , thanks so much for your post, things going a little better today, and the support freely given by such kind people as yourself only make me want to succeed all the more. It is possible for us all to be the person we want to be.

Thanks again

Pat

Hi Sandra , thanks so much for your post, things going a little better today, and the support freely given by such kind people as yourself only make me want to succeed all the more. It is possible for us all to be the person we want to be.

Thanks again

Pat

Thanx all:-) and keep fighting the good fight

Good morning diary,

Signing in early today, spare minute at work.

Well day 10, and i decide( changed my mind i should say lol) to go back counting days. Seemed to help last time.

Had another meeting earlier today...and this time was really shaking...emotions went through the roof, a bit of anger and sadness..i just can't work like that.can't keep walking with white flag and do EVERYTHING for everyone. I didn't come across too polite this time, but had to stand my ground.

All sorted( so i say), i want to leave more than ever. I know they will not let me go, but really thinking to start it all afresh. Can't see my future here, especially on this shift..

Anyway..rambling now lol..

all good, take care all and keep strong everyone.

Today is another day...and my days off..no plans to gamble.

Sandra x

Hi Sandra... ive been through the same cycle of counting days and then a slip and then not counting and then counting again. As you know I am back counting and happy with that for now. I find it motivating and empowering. Eventually I will stop the counting as life is about more than counting days gambling free, but I will only do this when I feel safe to do so and at the moment I don't... so the count goes on!... well done on your 10 days!!

I can also relate to your work dilemmas. From what you say, your right...your work will not let you go, cos you work hard and do your job!... its a compliment really BUT as you say, for you its all a bit of a struggle psychologically as is my job a struggle for me. The solution is for you to find another job and resign. Same goes for me. Its not easy though the transition from what we know to something else. Keep working at it.

Have a good day... S.A 🙂

Sandra.

Life is all about the choice's we make, me I changed my entire outlook through recovery, I changed jobs, friends, attitude and most of all the reward is a spring in my step, whatever life throws my way I am looking it straight in the eye, something my addiction stole from me, I thought it was a shield were in fact in shielded me from actually living.

I hope you keep making the right choice for you, and yes keep counting it will help.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hiya Sandra

Well done on standing ur ground at Work, sometimes I think we so much and then it all comes out, a bit similar myself on that front goin to try and deal with things as and when from now on, work is just so hard at times sometimes all we can do is our best

Ten days past now and hopefully the strength is now coming back and av forgiven urself a bit, v did the right thing though loads of posts and put it all in writing and got it all out

Castle2