Going to keep this thread now!

Just hi & Thank you!

Good to see you looking after yourself and reaping benefits in life...little steps forward - you're on a right track ☺

S&B xx

Thanks, S

Had a weird expereince with a phone consultation with a GP today.

He said I'd have to increase my medication next time I needed a fit note, if there was still no improvement. I'm already doped up to the eyeballs, gaining weight and very lethargic. I don't think medication is the answer, to be honest. It plays a part but is not enough to make everything all right.

I'm stuck in a poverty trap, really. I'm almost 39. I'm depressed and on a lot of medication. As a result, it is more exhausting for me to work for minimum wage than it was when I was 20. I can't work full time. I haven't the energy. It's not all in my mind - I have tried to push through and can't maintain working a lot of hours. Sure, I might manage a couple of weeks, but everything then starts slipping. I have no energy left to see people and have human contact, depression therefore gets worse, back to square one.

I do wish there was more help for people who can work part time. Helping keep people with depression and other long-term conditions, in part time work, is way better than them not working at all. Thing is, if you genuinely can only manage part-time hours without deteriorating, why can't they acknowledge that and give part-financial support to make your standard of living pleasant? They'd be giving you less money than if you weren't working at all. I haven't worked full time for 15 years. Possibly never will. The obvious common sense thing is - a person with long-term mental health issues, is less likely to relapse, if they have help to maintain their ability to work part-time. If they are only allowed to be £20 per week better off than someone on the dole, and stay in this position for 15 years, it's going to take it's toll, isn't it? That's quite a hard way of life.

Anyway, when my attention is drawn back to focus on "why aren't you better yet?!" it is very demoralising. I take regular exercise, I use relaxation techniques, I get enough sleep whereever possible, I've made responsible life choices - like not becoming a parent when I struggle to cope with looking after just myself, I eat a fairly good diet. I'm trying, you know?

Anyway, that's enough focus on explaining myself. I'm starting a beginner's course in West African drumming tomorrow night! It will be nice to do something fun. I think it will be good for my well-being. Get my brain working again, in a fun way.

Why do you feel you need to explain yourself?

We are all human beings with our "private" baggage we carry around. I understand it's difficult to find a part time job but keep looking. They are out there!
Time..give yourself some time and more kindness.

I think I need to go to higher doze also. I am not on cloud 9 and am only on 20mg but either my body got used to it, or...theyre replacement of paracetamol lol. No difference in me and I may need to see GP again for my assessment. The thing is, I just take repeated prescription..over & over again. I am actually a lil surprised doc didn't want to see me in the last year and see how I am but...i guess I have to make a move and go in myself.

Triggers. Yes, we spoken about them with my counsellor. It's more emotional triggers.
My last blip brought massive financial triggers also as I never put myself in "debt" position before.. it is doing my head in. I paid around ВЈ450 back in the last 3 months, but over £200 gone to "tax".. it is a lil devastating but again, little steps forward huh. As long as I'm not adding to it i will keep surviving ☺

Rambling today....

You look after yourself ok...sry safe & be kind to you!

Hugs from me & woofs from lil one 😉

S&B

Thanks, yeah, I only answer to myself, really.

Quite shocked by boyfriend this morning. He bit my shoulder! It was, you know, in the final throes.... but, I don't know.... I'm not keen on this kind of behaviour. I know some people lose themselves slightly, aren't fully aware of what they are doing, in those moments.... but, aggressive things like that? I'm uneasy with them.

He was being a bit of a d ic k the night before, as well. Saw a side of him I really didn't like. He said he was tired and prickly. Everyone is entitled to a bad mood, it's more what he did with it. He was getting annoyed, asking me why I was trying to wind him up. It freaks me out a bit when people say stuff like this when you aren't aware you're doing anything. It makes you wonder "is it me? or is he projecting and being paranoid?"

He was already a friend before we got together, I thought I knew his personality and he was not going to be a head worker or aggressive and angry. We'll see. Jury is out and time will tell. I'm glad I haven't yet become attached in an enmeshed way. I feel I could walk straight away, if this becomes a problem, thankfully.

Grey areas are hard with things like this. If a boyfriend bites you during an argument, it's black and white. Abuse.

During s*x? Not so much. Obviously, the main thing is, whether it happens again. I made my feelings clear that it wasn't welcome. I have a bruise already. He didn't break my skin but left marks. Genuinely interested in any opinions anyone wants to share.

Oh dear! Bite marks! ...well, my own opinion - it happens. What about scratching their backs huh, It's pretty much the same. Moment of time i must agree.

You most likely was worth it to be left with reminders on your body! ( In a good & loving way that is!)

I wouldn't overthink this too much. But glad you told him it's not welcome. I hope he respects you going forward and bites pillow or sheets instead ☺

Stay safe!

S&B xx

Thanks for that input, S.

I'm not really a scratcher. I'm a gentle soul! I can get passionate but don't tend to grab or scratch.

Everyone is different, I suppose. I think it was just that little bit too hard. I think it can go from fine, to pain, without much extra pressure. I don't mind playful nibbling.

We had a nice evening, last night. We weren't physically together, but took turns suggesting songs to listen to. It was quite sweet!

I have my work appraisal tomorrow. I don't like my manager at all. I feel very uncomfortable around her. Looking forward to getting it over with. I'm wary because I get angry so easily with her. She's just not good at relating or understanding people. I was also quite cheeky and provocative in my comments. I have to revisit those bold comments tomorrow, whilst not necessarily feeling very bold anymore... Oh, well. Just have to deal with it and try not to lose my temper.

I shall mentally picture her having a poo.

I hope work appraisal went well and you managed to stay calm over it.
It can be stressful esp when opinions differ, but it's your time and space to voice yourself!
I hate appraisals lol..esp those performance blocks they soon set up for you but never supports yougoing through them. I think mine is still blank from last year but only cause I've been snowed under with other responsibilities.. hay ho!.

Stay calm...stay safe, keep breathing!

S&B xx

Appraisal was fine, thankfully! My manager was quite nice to me, really. I took a valium, just to make things a bit fluffier 🙂

I know recovery is all about dealing. Dealing with life without self-medicating - but I have two driving lessons this week, also, after two month break. So, one low strength valium to make my appraisal less bumpy is fine by me. I am obviously not taking valium before driving!!!

First driving lesson went great and I was very relieved. I'm pleased I got back in the saddle. Only mild anxiety, which I'd say is perfectly normal for a learner driver, anyway! My heart has been fluttery today, which was unsettling when I was driving. I don't like the sensation at all. I've been well checked out and it's nothing serious. Just an occasional bout that I get.

Another lesson tomorrow afternoon, then relax and no more scary stuff for a few days.

I'm doing just fine!

Beep beep 😉

Hey girl!

Good to see you in positive mindset and hope second driving lesson went well today. Not the best road conditions but i am sure you was fine!

Valium...hmmm..rings some bells over here. Still not sure what it's for exactly but don't you have to keep it under the tongue for it to dissolve? Just some images struck me back from the childhood..not sure if it's good thing or not lol 🙂

You look after yourself ok, you're doing great! I've got a list from my counsellor about the self-care..few points I shall share with you:
• be kind to yourself
• Notice your self talk as you would any other kind of mind chatter. These are not facts, they just are ☺
• Move your body even just by strolling around the block for 10 minutes
• do something you love
• listen to your favourite music
• dance like nobody is watching!
• create something
• watch clouds
• express your gratitude (you do this one amazingly well!)
• breathe mindfully
• communicate how you're feeling...

☺ xx

Great advice there!

I feel angry. Today, I feel like I give way more than I get in my relationship and I'm angry about it.

We didn't see each other much this week, last night he said he didn't have anything much planned for this weekend but was non-committal about seeing each other. I've just chatted to him on messenger about how I'm sad that I don't know when we'll get a chance to spend time together, as I have another busy week coming up - and he's just like "I'm sure we'll sort something out - bye!" Effing a r se hole! I'm always listening to his endless effing problems. He asked me what I had on next week and I mentioned I was at hospital on Monday and he didn't even bother to ask why.

I know this anger will pass and it's exaggerated, considering the situation. This is because I've felt I've given way more than I've gotten, in most of my relationships in the past and I'm sick of it. However, the anger is perfectly justified on one level. It is telling me things are mostly on his terms and for his benefit, that there is an imbalance that is violating my standards.

If he wants to be with me, he can give more and stop taking me for granted. If not, he can f oo k off!

I'm really disappointed in him.

Arrrrghh! So angry! I hate being in this state because it's physically painful, all clenched and tense and agitated.

He's very selfish. f u ck him!

Hi f,

Sorry to read about your anger. It's not healthy is it.
What I wanted to kind of ask you is the importance of needs & wants in the relationship. It can be easy to mix these up, but with your admirable skill of self awareness I am sure you can work this out.

Sometimes we are too needy, my recent fiasco on these pages stemmed from the same. It brings frustration out.

..but at the end of the day it's only chucking toys outta pram making yourself more agitated in the process...its only the "want" which we all have in ourselves but need to manage.

Don't think I make myself clear here nd just maybe random thoughts going on but ...what we want is not always what we need.

Wish you peace and patience. Things don't have to stay the way they are and with the magic of life - they're constantly changing....i hope they will not change for the better for you.

My posts maybe on a slow go as I restrained myself a little for a time being, but just wanted to reach out I guess.

Thank you for support.

Stay safe
S&B xx

I know what you're saying, S.

Truth is, he is really needy and I'm struggling with it. Particularly, he's angry and ranty. I can't listen to a lot of rantiness. I could never be with someone who ranted most days.

I think it is a need rather than a want. I need affection and nurturing. You can't do that when you're raging. I find myself comforting him a lot and if I'm honest, I'm jealous.

I've been feeling wary about getting too close to him because he seems to get angry with people very easily. The stories he has related have often seemed like him being very unreasonable. He describes these really nasty things people have done to him but they're often not very bad.

It feels like there's always something with him. He is having a bad time of it at the moment.

I just never wanted to take on someone with loads of problems, who's always ranting and raving about something.

It's draining me and I'm not getting much back. I feel worse off for being in the relationship. It's energy sapping rather than energy generating.

Maybe this is just temporary. I have an awful feeling there will always be something, though, you know?

It's self-protection kicking in. Do I stay and hope things get better, or cut my losses and run?

If I'm supporting loads then looking after myself when I have something wrong, what's the point?

He goes on about how nasty his ex is being to him but I feel sorry for her. I mean, they split up a year and a half ago. No wonder she's fed up that he still hasn't moved out!

I'm just very careful who I get close to and I really do not want to be with a "poor me, everyone is so nasty to me" person. Not when they aren't ever wrong themselves, you know?

It's taken me ages to get back on an even keel. I'm protective of my wellbeing.

We had an argument and he was very hurt.

I'm struggling to be in a relationship with someone who needs a lot of support. He hates needing support but things are very difficult for him right now. It was difficult for him to hear because he is very proud. We both understand what both positions are like, to be in.

It's very sad because we may not be able to realistically have a healthy relationship. I can cope with moodiness if the other person has good self-awareness. If he knows he's in a bad mood and that it's not reasonable to expect people to walk on eggshells around him, I can deal with the odd snap. If he honestly believes that I'm the problem and am winding him up, or am "bad" or "inherently annoying" I can't do that.

I have a feeling that he's not ready to own his own feelings. If so, we won't make it.

I've just witnessed how much pain he's in. I can't even imagine being able to deal with that.

I don't know how he's managed to hold down a relationship ever. I'm blown away.

He knew I'd had a really distressing day and still went somewhere emotionally where he shut down and shut me out completely. Could barely look me in the eye. I couldn't cope with it in the emotional state I'm in. He had come over to "support me" and give me TLC.

I've never experienced coldness like it, yet I could see it was pure pain, if that makes sense.

Good God. I'm really shaken up.